Fear of IC Work

[Kizzie]

Good stuff BM!! I find I am dissociating a lot less too and maybe it is that Kyle (IC) is beginning to feel safer.  I am afraid of this IC work and know I have to go a bit slower because my Inner critic still wants a piece of her.  (I just posted about this in another thread), but at least now I can hear my ICr coming after her and I tuck her back into a safe place until I have some support to work through things.

I like the idea of enticing your IC out by playing with your GD - you're healing and your GD gets to have fun with her GM - right on!  I'm not all that great at playing - wish I had some grandkids lol --but I am getting there and as you say I just try to "keep on keeping on!" 

[Indigochild]

I know I'm late reading this thread.
I have been looking at my inner child a lot last week and ..this week.


Kizzie, reading what you wrote about your own inner child and how she / he came up unexpectidly when adult matters happened, helped me to understand why mine seems to be coming up.
My T said that if you ignore the inner child for so long, they end up shouting and screaming to be heard like most children do.
Things upset me more I'm finding. Its normal when you start therapy apparently, but maybe this is also because my inner child is here. She is reacting to things.
But yes, you helped me to understand that.

I do hope you are managing comforting your inner child. If not, thats ok too, i just wish you the best of luck with everything.

Pam, you also helped me understand that we have not actually experienced these feelings before as chilren, maybe we just put them away or disassociated...so now when we experience those awful feelings, we are actually experiencing them for the *first time*, and they would be scary to re experience, as well as to experience first hand.

i think i have this right..... 

But yes, very interesting. Good to read.

[tiggerd2]

About 2 months ago (I guess a moment or 2 of insanity) I decided I didn't 'need' these "IC" and "codependency" books. I threw away about 15 recovery books because I decided I already dealt with it. Now I sit here going what in the world really happened? Why did I do that to myself? What do you mean by 'I already dealt with it. They were really good useful books. I really need to read them again.     
I did keep  a mock book "Digesting the Child Within".

[arpy1]

i just bit the bullet this week and agreed to start some IC work with my therapist. i have been terrified of it and whenever she mentioned it before i got in a real state, for days. it really freaks me out but i have gotten to the point where i have to move things forward if i am going to get better. i made her promise we would go really slowly and if i freaked out we could stop.     so, i am waiting to start in the next week or so. any hints or tips would be appreciated, guys, i am so nervous. it feels like there is a big darkness inside and if i let it out it will take me over.

[woodsgnome]

arpy1,

First, it seems you've established enough trust with your T to give this a go. Remember that trust level and it may help bring the fear level down. You have the ultimate say in trusting to travel into unknown territory.

And, as you said:

"i made her promise we would go really slowly and if i freaked out we could stop."

Precisely. You've informed her you have certain boundaries, and they need to be honoured. Following on the trust referred to above, it's a good start; you know your needs, and even more so your fears, and the two of you are willing to work on this together. All you can do now is try, and you and she know the limits...like the famous saying, take one step at a time.

Hoping for a best step forward     

[arpy1]

thank you woodsgnome, that helps.
i guess i have set boundaries, that's a concept i am so unfamiliar with, i always thought they were wrong, or at least, for me to have them was wrong. but yes, i did, i set a boundary. hmm. new thing.

and the trust thing is fraught too, and i do it in spite of myself becos i know i need to. but i still fear/expect it will all go horribly wrong.

at least on this forum no one will ever know who i am or where i am, but with my therapist it's harder becos it's face to face and she can see how awful i am in person. oh my. like u say, one step at a time...watch this space....
   

[tiggerd2]

Woodsgnome: I really like the phrase at the bottom of your posts. It helps to see it and remind myself of it.

[arpy1]

ok, i hope no one will hate me for this, it will be a bit of a gutspill, and it feels very risky but desperation is calling the shots..

and i hope it won't be a trigger problem for anyone, but i am in a bit of a pickle and i need some help... any pointers or advice wld be appreciated.... many of you seem to be a long further on than i am.

yesterday i brought home a form to fill in to start the Inner Child Therapy. i was supposed to list my earliest memories and score them as to how good or bad they were. 

OK i thought, simple,    i did not have much in the way of bad stuff, except that my mum had poor health and was in and out of hospital a lot of the time from when i was born to when i was about 5 or 6. (i was unplanned, she nearly died after having me) and my dad was emotionally absent (still is)  so i have longstanding  abandonment/attachment issues.....      

yeah, ok, i thought. but the emotional abuse i got in spades was really to to with my experience of 15 yrs in a cult and 20 years married to a np person etc. so early memories are no biggie.

so anyway  i didn't expect a problem. 

did my best to fill the form out and then whammy, sideswiped by huge EF state. i just couldn't deal with it at all. not becos of the memories but becos i just felt a total fraud pretending to do inner child stuff when i wasn't beaten or raped or abused as a kid, and have had zero troubles compared to other people i know. what am i making such a big fuss about?

to make it worse, i am finding lately that all my well honed strategies for keeping the person i call the 'screaming sobbing woman' who lives in my head under control (sounds crazy, i know) are failing me.  i can't escape into books, or tv, alcohol doesn't work, nor comfort eating (yeah i know they are bad strategies, but they have kept me functioning for years).

so somehow the form totally triggered the screaming sobbing woman even tho i never connect her with childhood stuff, more with cult and marriage stuff. am i making sense here?

i don't understand, is it that the ssw is a composite of all the disallowed emotions that i have carefully blocked off for decades, or is she the frightened little kid who never knew when she woke up in the morning who was going to be there to look after her (Nice Nan, Nasty Nana, Scary Daddy)? maybe both, i don't know.

in any case, the pain and terror, when she gets out and runs amok, are overwhelming and unbearable and i realise that i have no skills, no strategies to cope with that.  i feel like i am losing my grip and if i do i will be totally taken over. and it makes me so, so afraid.

i thought last night, as i was trying desperately to find something to distract myself from it all, and failing, that maybe i should just go with it somehow and just let it happen and somehow let myself feel the pain instead of being so afraid. but i just couldn't do it, my body went into fight or flight and i ended up taking valium.

today i am sane again, tho i feel like i have been hit with a brick. and the ssw is in the wings, waiting for me to let my guard down.  Please, someone, tell me i am not alone in being this weird??? how do i deal with this pain?

[Dutch Uncle]

First of all: fill in the form as truthfully as you can.
There's no point in trying to give the 'right' answers.
The form is an assessment tool, and it is there to aid the professional helpers to get a grip on 'what's the problem'.
There are no 'good' or 'bad' answers.

What's the worst that could happen? That you don't need 'inner child' therapy, but something else.


That said, you mentioned the time in the cult, that is bothering you. Did that time include your puberty/adolescence? If so, you were still a child, and so perhaps you are dealing with a quite 'old' Inner Child.

Also: your Inner Child does not have to been beaten in order to have been abused. I myself was hit (by Dad) and tortured (by my brother), but I think that the continuous emotional abuse (by many) is my biggest problem. My dad stopped beating me in puberty, and my brother left home short after. That all was a bad thing, but my main problem is the ever continued emotional abuse and neglect (that probably has been there all through my (early) childhood as well.)

You mentioned your emotional absent father, and physically (at the least) absent mother due to her frequent hospitalization. I would mention that at least on the form, in those very words you used. On the form.
Let the professionals deal with their assessment on that.

Good luck and kudos on exploring IC-work at least. 

[Trees]

arpy1, your story of your "screaming sobbing woman" really resonated for me.  I have had a "ssw" inside of me, too, for my whole life.  The thought of actually "giving in" and trying to grieve out all that pain was just too frightening.  I thought I would never be able to handle so much pain, or reach the end of it ever.

But I found a therapist who gently encouraged me to let the tears out.  He did not find my pain repulsive, and that helped with the fear.  I began to find that a period of out-and-out sobbing and wailing could bring me some peace, more peace than self-distraction ever had.  And though I don't think I will ever reach "the end of it", of the grief, I feel much better.  Grieving has definitely improved my quality of life.

"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."   --Rumi

[Dutch Uncle]

"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."   --Rumi

Could you post that in the "quotes" thread, if you haven't already?
I love it.

[arpy1]

thanks for replying,D/Uncle. and for being so down to earth, i need it as i find it hard to stay grounded when it gets like this.

i kind of did fill in the form, but only in pencil, and what i put just seems so silly.   but i guess i have to trust my T that she will be able to make use of it in whatever way she needs. the idea of being 'assessed' is a bit uncomfortable.  and the trust bit is so hard. now that i have got to the stage of trusting her enough to embark on this, it is really testing my insecurities with her.  i am always waiting for it all to go belly-up.

you ask what's the worst that could happen. well i think it kind of has already, in that the ssw is out of control really,   and i can't squash her back into her box.     that, for me, is the absolute worst - (i have spent several decades keeping her under control) and it is happening more and more.    this ict thing is just making it worse.    the ssw is definitely the worst problem, i think, she is where i have dumped all the stuff i was never free to feel so had to find a way to dissociate from. i don't really know how to differentiate emotions other than fear and anger. i don't even know what i am feeling most of the time, it all gets shoved under those two names. so she is a very scary part of me. very very scary.

i did join the cult at 18, a very immature and insecure 18.  i always say that i left the cult 15 years later still a very immature and insecure teenager,(but with the added bonus of a totally screwed mind full of guilt and fear). the whole system and culture of the place was infantilising, especially if you were a woman.

so maybe, yes, my IC is more than just the toddler i thought she was. maybe i am trying to divide myself up into more manageable chunks when in fact it's all one thing.

trouble is the feeling of being overwhelmed with terror when stuff gets touched on. it's like as if i had no skin on and the slightest feather touch or breath of breeze on the flayed muscle causes agony. i go into a kind of blank panic, heart rate up, shakey, nauseous etc etc, i'm sure u r well familiar.

i know u r right about the abuse thing. i even tell other people that. but i guess i haven't quite got  round to believing it for myself. too many years of being invalidated probably.

thanks for listening, and for ur helpful thoughts. just having people to bounce things around with is a novel thing. i really appreciate it even tho i am still a bit scared of it. 

Just read your post, Trees, thank god someone gets the ssw. i always thought i was alone with that. and what you say, i wonder if i will ever be able to do that? thank you so much for responding. 

[Dutch Uncle]

the idea of being 'assessed' is a bit uncomfortable.

I can relate. I had a SCID-II taken, to see if I had a Personality Disorder.
The good thing: I have not.
The bad thing: back to square one.
(did find this site shortly thereafter)

you ask what's the worst that could happen. well i think it kind of has already, in that the ssw is out of control really,   and i can't squash her back into her box. [...] so she is a very scary part of me.

I'm so sorry. It's so hard. 

i did join the cult at 18, a very immature and insecure 18.  i always say that i left the cult 15 years later still a very immature and insecure teenager,(but with the added bonus of a totally screwed mind full of guilt and fear). the whole system and culture of the place was infantilising, especially if you were a woman.

Worth mentioning on the form, IMHO.

Your Screaming Sobbing Women reminds me of "the Hatchet Lady", which really ringed a bell to me (even though I'm not quite a lady  )
linkypinky: http://forthelittleonesinside.com/criticizinf-your-selfc5/

[arpy1]

Trees, i just can't tell you how much relief i feel that you have an ssw too. i never really explained her to anyone except my T (and one other person who later betrayed me rather colossally). i honestly thought no one would ever experience it like i do. it is such a relief.

and...oh my, D/Uncle, that hatchet lady one made me want to cry and cry. i curse and scream at myself for the slightest thing. i really am surprised at myself sometimes, how much hatred i can carry for myself. 

here's a thing, i wish i could cry and cry, or something. but it's like i have a big plug just above my diaphragm. and i just can't do it. the pain is too big and i feel like crying will never fix it or make it feel better. i wish i could. the best i manage is a wee blubber and then it turns itself off

guys, thank you both so much. i feel a bit vulnerable (very, to be honest) but it feels so good to know i'm not on my own anymore with this whole thing. i hope you won't mind if i come back to this with you as i go through the ict... i have an uncomfortable feeling i might need all the support i can get....  

[Dutch Uncle]

i hope you won't mind if i come back to this with you as i go through the ict... i have an uncomfortable feeling i might need all the support i can get....  

I wouldn't mind at all. To be frank, for one I'm interested in what the 'result' will be when you have turned in the form, and if they think "Inner Child Therapy" is the way to go. And if/when they do, how you feel about the proposals they'll make to you, as a result.

On a last note, about my experience with forms:
I had to turn in a huge form as well for my SCID-II. I did it the day I got it. Then let it simmer for a while (I had left a few questions open, some others just in pencil). Read it again the day I had to turn it in to my assessor (or the day before, I'm not sure, never mind in any case), filled in some blanks, left some open/in pencil still, tweaked hardly anything , and had my assessment.

Took a while to get the 'result', was ready for anything. Honestly, I wouldn't have minded having a PD. I wouldn't have liked it, for sure. But I had put myself on the (assessment)table, had been frank, open and honest. "Let's have it!", I told myself in a fit of 'bravado'.

Take care, trust yourself 'to the paper' as the saying goes (? well, at least in my native language there is such a phrase). 'They' don't care what you will put there, but they'll care about what you put there.

It's an exam you can't flunk. That's the beauty of it! 

And huggers all the way!