Secondary Wounding

[Ren]

Finding out about this phenomena from a read of Aphrodite Matsakis I am much enlightened about an experience I had back a few years now.  When I declared to "friends" that I had found the cause of my family troubles - ie Narcissistic Personality Disorder of my mother, in particular, but rather immature parents - the feedback was so discouraging !  They said it must have been my fault if I was rejected by my parents or in terms of a mother's bad behaviour they said "she wouldn't do that"

Yes, it was the mother taboo we have mentioned here before.  But what a find to hear that "Secondary Wounding" raises the pain all over again and makes you understand how ignorant some people are and how insensitive they are to your experience. 

Matsakis gives many reasons for people's cruel responses.  However, for me it cleared my head somewhat because I felt I was experiencing a "repetition compulsion" by choosing bad women as "friends".  I totally blamed myself for bad choices thinking I as going around finding "mothers" and would I ever stop this ?  Well, this find has been most helpful in showing me that I was simply re-experiencing the cruelty of another.  Perhaps it could also be, as the author suggests, that I was pressing on their sore points in their own family story.

The upshot of this was that I isolated myself from others feeling it was my stuff that brought bad people to me.  I can accept now that people are just dumb   

After finding this very helpful info I am rather forgiving myself, and silencing the noisy critic, on my choice of company when I am stronger and diving back into the world.   That is my next challenge though.......

[sanmagic7]

interesting concept, that of secondary wounding. 

as far as choices in people goes, i picked misogynistic men over and over in relationships.  i don't see it as a 'fault' of mine, only an extension of the primary wounding.  choosing men who i couldn't please, to me, was the logical choice - albeit, on a subconscious level.  it was a familiar pattern, a familiar way of feeling, and a familiar (from 'family', yes) dynamic.   it wasn't until my own psychological health got to a point where my perspective had changed that i could 'see' that the familiar wasn't good for me.   i had a recent incident with a man from my past, and i was able to spot it and cut him loose in only 2 months.  i thought that was quite an accomplishment! 

i've never been comfortable with that whole thing about 'attracting' bad/neg. people to us, like we send out radio signals to all who are within range, like it's what we want.  we don't want it, we don't like it, it's just familiar.  my toughest challenge was learning that i couldn't 'fix' it, couldn't change them, which my noisy critic insisted i could.   i'm glad you're learning to be gentle with yourself on this point, ren.   that's a good thing, and you deserve it.

[Ren]

Thankyou for your reply Sanmagic.

I am a firm believer in this secondary wounding as Matsakis shows.  For so long I believed I was the cause of the family "problem" that I simply accepted that.  When I found out some truths I could not contain myself in finding it wasn't me after all and my CPTSD surfaced.   But so called "friends" were uncomfortable with any suggestion of mental dysfunction ...

I believe you are right....familiar is the word.  Bad treatment is what we were used to. 

I now have learned of course, that ALL people are not so cruel after a long time in my isolation and self-protection.  As the writer says, we survivors are somewhat prone to black and white thinking.  And I learned that I need to take care of who I entrust much about me.......