Asking Others For Help

Started by movementforthebetter, August 29, 2016, 08:46:22 PM

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movementforthebetter

For weeks now (closer to months, really) I have wanted to ask my friends for help but can't seem to do it due to issues surrounding self-worth. I feel intense shame about needing help and fear judgement and gossip when I am vulnerable.  I drafted a letter to send to my friends last month, asking for help, but haven't found courage to send it.

Quick background for the uninitiated is that I "left" my relationship but don't have anywhere to go so we are still sharing a bed and apartment like super awkward roommates.  :thumbdown: I was going to move back to my home city with a friend but her living arrangement is delayed at least 6 months. I found this out too late to hold off on the breakup and other circumstances forced my hand. Family there is the source of my cptsd so they are out.

In my current city I do have a couple places I can crash for a few weeks. But 6 months is too long to be couch-hopping and imposing on my friends and their families. Vacancy rate is extremely low in my city so just finding a new place is out. Also, everyone has small places so space is an issue.

I have reached out to a couple friends in my home city to let them know what's up with me, but only a couple. Friends in the current city are supportive, but unable to help much. The couple friends I reached out to in the home city have offered to help but I still balk at asking to stay with them until I find a job & place. It just feels like I would be asking too much of people who have full lives and families.

I feel unworthy of the help I need to get back on my feet in part because I won't be able to repay quickly if at all and in part because I think I have not been a good enough friend to deserve the help. The people I have confided in are folks I consider good friends, but I have not been an attentive friend from a distance. CPTSD also made me easily triggered and argumentative the last few years before I understood I needed help so I think I have burnt bridges but am too scared to find out if it's true. The other aspect of this is that I am afraid that I could end up somewhere in a triggering situation that is worse than my current situation.

Not sure what kind of feedback I hope for, here. I guess I am hoping by admiting and publicizing it I can diminish the fears into more manageble sizes. Thanks for reading.

Three Roses

Sometimes it helps me to ask myself how it would feel if the situation were reversed. If my friend came to me with the same problem, what would I say?

Everyone needs help sometimes. Give yourself permission to need help, and to receive that same help you would give a friend in need. Hugs to you! :wave:

Dutch Uncle

Hi movementforthebetter, I can relate.

The fact that friends have offered you to come "couch-hopping" indicates to me that your fears of "not been a good enough friend to deserve the help" are unwarranted.
Surely they wouldn't have offered it if they really did think of you like that, no?
But that is logic, and the emotional reaction you have is different, and is equally as valid.

I understand, and agree, that six months of couch-hopping is a bit much.

You say "Vacancy rate is extremely low in my city so just finding a new place is out.". Is it perhaps an option to ask all these supportive people you have if they can look out for vacancies? I have had a similar problem 15 years back, and in the end I find the apparent I have been living in since via-via-via friends. One friend knew of another friend (of his, I didn't know her) who would vacate her apartment. That apartment sucked, but next door there was an empty apartment, and I could rent that in the end. I've been happy here since.
Perhaps the same might apply for a job?

Telling people you are looking for something, even if you think they might not be able to help you directly (or you may even be sure of that) might still get you going.

Asking people for help is a real barrier for me too, and even when I managed to get passed that, then accepting the help I'm being offered becomes the next hurdle. "Am I worthy?" pops up in my head. Much like your "I won't be able to repay quickly if at all" you wrote. I surmise.
Fortunately there are people giving away stuff for free. Or they might even be 'repaying' you for something you never expected to get a refund for.  ;D

:hug:

movementforthebetter

Ok, here's my letter. I've decided to wait until next week to send it as this weekend is the final long weekend of summer and the last before kids are back in school.

Feedback on the letter would be appreciated if you have any. How's the length and tone? I'm sure I'm overthinking this and I can't help it!

Hello, friends!

I hope this letter finds you well.
Life was busy, time flew, and I wish I had kept more in touch. I hope you are all in good chapters of your lives or writing the plots you wish to follow soon.

I am writing you as a way to say hello and reconnect with those of you that are open to it! I realize lives are busy and full so this letter comes without expectation, just my warmest regards for you and our memories together.

I am in a period of growth and change, myself. I'm preparing to move back to Hometown! I will be doing this alone, and have decided to leave my relationship of 9 years. This has been a very hard decision and means starting over.

I've done a lot of reflection this year on the things that are really important to me. I've also been doing a lot of personal work but that's a longer story.

I am reluctant to impose but I am in a vulnerable position and I do need help to get back on track. If you can please assist, I am very grateful and humbled. My family situation is complicated and I can't ask them for  help.

1) Does anyone have any job contacts in Hometown that would be willing to consider someone planning to relocate to the city? My timeline is currently set for mid-late October or later. I am also looking for work myself. Most people are reluctant to consider candidates from outside the city. I'm not able to come sooner as I was summoned for jury duty in Sept-Oct. Lucky me, getting to perform a valuable civic duty! Of course, I might not even be selected.

If I can't find work before I get there it's my first priority when I do get there. I'm also applying for jobs here but haven't had many bites yet. It makes more sense for me to make the transition back to Hometown sooner than later as the job and housing situation is tight out here.

2) I'm also looking for a couch or spare room to crash for a bit. Even some floor, I have a sleeping pad. Again, not being in the city yet, this is challenging, but I am looking. I would prefer to stay close to transit as I won't have a car at this time. Please keep me in mind if you know anyone with space.

I can contribute to the household as needed except full rent until I am working. Anyone need a house-sitter, pet-sitter, or baby-sitter? Time would be a few weeks to a few months *at most* while I get a job and place nailed down as fast as I can.

Thanks for reading, and know my best wishes are with you regardless of anything you can offer, or if you are able to respond. I hope to see you in person before long!

Mftb


movementforthebetter

#5
Thanks for the thumbs up!

I also had a call with a friend I don't usually talk to, who is on her own healing path. We talked a lot about asking for help.

I realize now that part of my problem is that I am holding some memories and resentments and guilt from the past. I have expectations around who should help and who won't. Naughty outter critic aiding and abetting my inner critic on this. Having expectations about where help will come from is also holding me back from asking, along with my earlier recognized issues. I had myself into a no-win situation in my head. Needing help was proof for my inner critic that I was bad. If I couldn't get help it would be proof for the inner critic that I was bad, and if the help came from the "wrong" or unexpected source, that would still be proof I was bad because the inner critic would judge me based on the kind of help I am able to get while the outter critic judges who does and doesn't respond or provide help and what kind. And all of this is really because of messages I internalized growing up that it is wrong to need or accept help. It's not!

Now that I recognize this, and really understand that no (wo)man is an island, I feel better about it. I can let the chips fall where they may. I needed help even to get to this point so I'm glad I confronted my inner cast of characters. And whoever helps will be welcome and greeted with a fresh perspective. As needed I will forgive myself and others for past actions, not because I have to, but because now I am free to.

Will update again once sent and some responses come in.

Three Roses


movementforthebetter

Today I sent the letter. I sent it to 30 people. That was a huge number of people and a huge step for me. I figured the more I contact, the more likely someone will be able to help. Law of averages and all that.

I sent the message via facebook and included a private email address people could respond to. I figured if people knew how much I was reaching out it would again increase my odds of success. The private email could save embarrassment of public replies. Because it was on facebook, I had to go letter by letter through the alphabet to add recipients, and each face that popped up caused a little emotional flashback as I remembered our history and whether or not we had any unsettled issues - wheter or not I could trust the person and whether or not it would even be safe to tell them the most basic info about my current situation.

I felt absolutely sick but managed to push send before I left for therapy. I didn't want to look in case no one responded or all responses were negative.

And then the first one popped up on my phone when I was writing a journal entry. An old classmate who might have a couch. Then more came in. I ended up with 11 leads of job contacts or places to stay. I couldn't even read them all, I started crying on the bus.

I have been physically exhausted since therapy. My target today was linked to personal safety and my ability to use my voice. It really tied in to the act of reaching out for help, which I was terrified of. I can tell I have a lot more grieving to do, and will journal about that soon. This is so overwhelming(ly positive) and I am so grateful for the support I have found here. I don't think I could have found the courage to reach out on my own.

Dutch Uncle


sanmagic7

movementforthebetter,

i am so happy for you that you found the strength, courage, and determination to do what you did, and the frosting on that cake are all those positive responses you got!  yay!!!  that is so cool!

Sandstone

Thats fantastic well done you  :cheer: