Question about Dissociation

[Twinkletoes]

Hi everyone,

I am a newbie here, just registered so I am not sure if I am posting in the right place etc.. but here goes!!

I am 2 years into my psychodynamic therapy journey. I have CPTSD and am dealing with my trauma from having a mother with NPD, having been through CSA and other experiences which have resulted in all of this stuff. Anyway, my therapist has always asked me "where my feelings are" but only recently has she started to use the word "dissociated".  She tells me that she thinks that is how I survived back then and says that my feelings are still very far away from me and that I speak only in intellect and often says that I "put them away" and that I "switch off".

My question is, does this mean I dissociate in the real sense of the word?? Is that dissociation? I am confused because I read so many things on Google and can't quite make up my mind whether it is what I do or not.. for example, I still feel present, I hear her, I can understand what she is saying, I just feel numb.  Other times, and not often, I will cry so deeply, from my heart at home, alone, normally when I am locked in the bathroom - this doesn't happen much but then I email her my feelings and am so in touch with them, when I go and see her next - they've gone.  She says I "freeze" them. 

Can anyone relate to this at all or shed any light for me?

Thank you in advance x

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi Twinkletoes  and welcome. 

I dissociate too, but this has only been hinted at by a therapist two years ago.
So I'm still learning about it, and finding ways to identify when I do, and how to better cope with it.

A couple of members here have started to work through a book on dissociation: Boon et al's "Coping with Trauma Related Dissociation". We started half a year ago, and it has taught me a lot. If you feel like it you might read on the various chapters in your own good time. Feel free to post in "chapter one". I sometimes reread 'old' chapters as well: it's a project working through it, two steps forward, on step back. And a refresher course on 'old' chapters never hurts i the first place. So I do so at times myself.

Other than that I cannot offer you much else at the moment. But if your therapist tells you you are dissociating, you very probably are. You can off course always ask her for more information as well. Possibly she has some good sources on dissociation as well, and/or even on the specific form dissociation manifests itself in you. As dissociation comes on many shapes and forms.

Welcome again,

Dutch Uncle.

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome! We're glad you're here.

Pete Walker has a website a lot of us use as our main source of info - pete-walker.com. If you look there you'll see info on not only dissociating but also the 4F types, to reveal your coping style; freeze, fight, flight, or fawn. Mine is freeze-fight I think. I'm not sure, haha, I keep changing my mind.

One more thing: we usually ask all newcomers to read the Guidelines regarding posts, just to keep everyone on the same page - http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=1616.0

Again, welcome, we're glad you've joined us. 

[writetolife]

Hi Twinkletoes,

I'm pretty new to this game of identifying dissociation, but I definitely relate.  To the best of my limited understanding, not being able to feel your feelings or "switching off" is dissociation.  It's anytime your brain disconnects the different parts of an experience.  For me, sometimes, dissociating feels like reaching into my head for something, a feeling, a rational thought, etc. and just hitting a brick wall.  I just can't get into my mind.  I know there has to be something there, but I'm blocked from getting to it.  Other times it's just like my feelings don't exist at all, except maybe a bit of anxiety, and sometimes that'll happen for the greater part of weeks.

Hope that helps.     

[~Lapis-Lazuli~]

Yeah a couple of times at speech club, we did this an impromptu topic speech, and when I stood up to say it, I felt "disconnected", so to speak. And when I was younger, it happened a couple of times at ballet lessons. I think it has happened more than I have realized, maybe I just don't notice it.  And sometimes I can't really pinpoint an emotion, or I can be deadpan.
Do you guys think that is dissociation?

[Three Roses]

Dissociation is very common, and everyone does it. This info congress from https://www.sidran.org/resources/for-survivors-and-loved-ones/what-is-a-dissociative-disorder/

"Q: What Is Dissociation?
Dissociation is a disconnection between a person's thoughts, memories, feelings, actions, or sense of who he or she is. This is a normal process that everyone has experienced. Examples of mild, common dissociation include daydreaming, highway hypnosis, or "getting lost" in a book or movie, all of which involve "losing touch" with awareness of one's immediate surroundings.

Q: When Is Dissociation Helpful?
During a traumatic experience such as an accident, disaster, or crime victimization, dissociation can help a person tolerate what might otherwise be too difficult to bear. In situations like these, a person may dissociate the memory of the place, circumstances, or feelings about of the overwhelming event, mentally escaping from the fear, pain, and horror. This may make it difficult to later remember the details of the experience, as reported by many disaster and accident survivors."

For some of us it becomes a coping skill that, at its worst, interferes with daily life, for example, drifting off while a friend is talking, getting lost in a daydream while trying to work, etc.

For some of us it's more serious - "waking up" somewhere and not remembering how you got there, losing blocks of time, and so on.

Only the person experiencing it can say if it really is dissociation or not.

[Fightsong]

Mine asks me quite a bit 'where have you gone?', or 'where did you go just then?'. She never says the word dissociates.  I have presumed she thinks I am. I just kind of go blank, my mind switches off  whatever we are talking about. I don't know if that really is. Sometimes I feel like I'm not really real, a bit like I'm out of my body, maybe watching myself. Its when i feel most empty and a bit scared. Then I snap out of it and start getting busy doing things to keep my mind occupied. It doesn't happen all the time like some people. I don't know if  this is really dissociation. Its something I used to just live with and not understand and now I think might have more meaning.

[Sisue]

Twinkletoes, I agree with everyone else, you are not crazy! 

Everyone dissociation at times throughout your life.  However, just like most things, there are extremes on every continuum line.  Neither extreme seems to be healthy, it is finding the sweet spot in the middle that is most beneficial.

These would be examples the sweet spot dissociation.
Think of youngsters not hearing detailed instructions.  Their brain is overloaded, thus they "shut off".
Think of teens having to sit through endless classes that have no interest for them.  They are bored so they "day dream".
Think of adults who don't want to partake in the endless fickle family squabbles at every get-to.  They may be annoyed or bored and don't want to waste their energy on such a trivial matter.  So they think about their upcoming vacation, they "day dream".

My experience has been the extreme of using dissociation for the majority of my life.  My trauma was such that to survive I dissociated.  I didn't "realize" what I was doing until the last couple years.  Dissociation was such a significant part of who I was/am that I didn't know it wasn't normal or healthy. 

My journey is that I have to learn what it is to live by NOT dissociating.  The concept is totally reversed for me.  I am not scared of the dissociating (because that is where I found safety) but I am scared of facing all the things that caused me to dissociate it in the first place!

Keep asking the questions, doing the research, ask for professional help, reading... do whatever you can until something "clicks" with you and it all makes sense.  There is no one-size-fits-all!  Our journeys need custom-fit clothing made of spandex!