not able to 'feel' the good stuff

[sanmagic7]

as i've been tackling some of my bigger issues, this inability to 'feel' the love of my husband, my friends, the caring that is coming through these posts and responses has been raising its ugly head, shouting for attention.  at last, it has shouted loudly enough, and i'm willing to acknowledge it on a conscious level. 

i am able to feel for others, adrift in tears of sadness or happiness when something happens to someone else, but i drown in my tears when someone says or does something positive for me, and mentally i seem to acknowledge it on a surface level, but i can't really feel it inside me.  this was something i began exploring with my t at the beginning of summer, but couldn't continue because of the heat - i live in a desert town in mexico, the a/c in the building in which she works is inadequate, and i had to leave my last appt. 20 min. early because of heat exhausion.  i won't be able to return until it begins cooling down, possible a good 6-8 wks. yet.

in the meantime, i've been on my own delving into my issues, with the help of everyone on this forum.  and, to tell you the truth, people here have been more helpful for a lot of my stuff than my t - she's young, green, and doesn't know much about trauma, nothing about c-ptsd.  so, this place has been a godsend.

i read in a novel about how someone was able to fall asleep feeling the love of his spouse.  my husband has shown me over and over how much he loves me, and i feel love and gratitude for him, but i can't feel his love.  i can't feel the love of my two best friends, who know all about this and are struggling with c-ptsd as well.  it's as if a switch was turned off long ago, because of the belief of not deserving love, not worthy of it, because i'm not perfect.  but, even when i got straight a's in 5th grade, and expected fireworks at least because i finally achieved scholastic perfection, i barely got a nod of acknowledgment.

i remember, when i was active in church, every time i began singing a hymn that talked about god/jesus loving me, i'd begin crying and couldn't continue singing.  earlier this year, my girlfriend told me i was always welcome at her house no matter how 'messy' i was, i burst out in sobs.

i want to feel such caring kindness with a smile, an inner warmth, hugging it to myself instead of mentally batting it away.  i know i'm going to have to do a funeral for this, but i'm not quite sure what i need to lay to rest.  this will take some thinking, but this is the first time i'm writing about it.   i'm getting around to feeling my legitimate anger and sadness, not covering one up with the other, but even those can still take a day or two to realize. 

i know that i've surrounded myself with major defenses to keep feelings, both my own and for others, at a distance.  for most of my life, i couldn't identify how i felt about anything.  i know where it comes from, but i'm ready to break it apart.  it seems that i've been, could it be? dissociated from myself?  this just popped into my mind as i've been writing.   i don't know, it's never been addressed with me in all my years of therapy.  i've never been told that i've been traumatized, for that matter.  so, i'm looking for some direction, opinions, thoughts.  does this sound familiar to anyone else?  could this really be a type of dissociation, a numbing dynamic, or just that i've barricaded myself against emotions.  i'm stuck.

well, this turned out to be more than not just 'feeling' the good stuff. 

[Three Roses]

There was a time when I went through something similar. I would cry at the least thing, sometimes nothing at all. But, the tears didn't feel like pain, it was like I was crying with relief. Like someone exhausted that can finally sit down.

[radical]

When I was 21 I was in a housefire.  Once I got to a neighbour to ring the fire brigade, and got back to my partner, who had found our puppy and we were all safe, I wept in his arms. Not for long, but I felt comforted and cared for, and huge relief from crying.  That is the only time I've been held and experienced being held and comforted.  It never happened when I was a child, and I never felt loved, so maybe I never learned how to process the experience.

Something fantastic happened for me today.  If it had happened to a friend, i would have felt excited for them.  For myself, I felt something more muted.  Not nothing, just numbed.  That's how it usually is with good things.  I hope I will become more able to let good things penetrate.  It's not that I'm not grateful for them.

[woodsgnome]

If I had to narrow the focus onto what I most need, it's the ability to feel.

It's also become the prime issue in my own current round of therapy. A big difference-maker there is that I finally have a t who I trust and with whom I've developed a comfortable rapport. It's uncanny how long that process has taken just to find someone at the high trust level necessary to help me deal with my abysmal fear of allowing feelings in. The other day we borrowed a process from Pete Walker (his 'feeling exercise' on p. 240 of his ComplexPTSD book) and it seemed to relieve years of crud still stuck in my psyche.

Another thing is I've also only just begun to accept that their is great pain involved in getting there, while also realizing that part of the allowance is accepting ALL of what comes up (we've also worked in some emdr and other elements). I suppose it sounds trite, but allowing and then pairing it with acceptance are key words in my process. I may have survived in a manner of speaking before, but now I'm beginning to grasp that perhaps there will be a 'thrive' part of the process, starting in this moment.

My avoidance of feelings, especially in reference to others, was simply fear that even with good vibes I suspected 'the other shoe effect' to come into play and even the score; basically low self-worth. The core belief seemed to be that if it felt good, it was suspect. Over the years--as an actor, writer, hospice, and pre-school assistant, I gave a lot but fended off the positive feedback, not from a sense of humility but one of no self-worth (shame?). My steady state was avoidance.

Two years ago a good friend died (one of only 4 trustworth friends I ever had--she and her husband were 2 of the 4 who died in rapid sequence; we had all been acting buddies. Thing was, though, even when her life took her a distance away, there'd be regular phone calls always ending with an emphatic "we love you". When she was incapacitated in her last days, there'd be calls, and on the edge of death messages from her daughter that "mom loves you and wanted me to remind you". And I didn't know how to truly feel it, but it was always there. no doubts, no conditions; just a heartfelt "we love you".

You mentioned that "at last, it [accessing feelings] has shouted loudly enough, and i'm willing to acknowledge it on a conscious level." Indeed, that is the first step a lot of us seem faced with--acceptance. Which is easy to say, but part of the process is allowing the truly hard stuff in as part of the acceptance agreement with yourself. You're not seeking pain or grief, but you are admitting those possibilities into the overall picture, and that can be huge. After my process with the t I mentioned above, it felt more like a leap than a step. While there's no guarantee of steady forward progress, allowing whatever comes up to be there (in my case loads of tears), for whatever reason, seemed to bring on a breath of fresh air.

Dissociating from self? Perhaps, but is anyone's 'self' a steady state of consciousness? Or does it change; or can it, via acceptance, even morph into some other mode, one that doesn't even need definition? Sometimes it seems to me that even the definitions we throw around can easily act as the very obstacles we fear, and they end up being shields (e.g. I'm dissociating, so that's why I am this way and always will be).

Okay, that's my take. Per usual, it might be useful or not (showing my own fears of unworthiness again). Sorry I ran so many words into this but the ability to feel is also one of the priorities in working to turn the corner from surviving to thriving. 

[sanmagic7]

first, and foremost, thank you all for responding.  this warms my heart in such a real way - and, yeah, i can feel it!!!  yay!

3roses - i know that feeling of crying with relief.  and, no, it wasn't painful.  those were different tears, almost as if they'd been bottled up alongside anxiety or something, but when they were triggered, they felt good.  the tears i was talking about were tears of sadness that i couldn't feel the same emotions i was witnessing.  i wasn't able to identify them for a long time.  part of the process.

radical - you brought up a great point about not being able to process how those positive feelings might feel because they weren't brought into our realm.  it struck a nerve with me, for sure.  and, i completely relate to being completely grateful for the positives, without being able to feel them in their entirety for myself.  such a strange dynamic. 

woodsgnome - really glad you've been able to find that level of trust with your t so that you can get to these fundamental issues.  you mentioned the ability to thrive, and that rang a bell for me.  it's been difficult for me to think in those terms.  maybe there is a light at the end of this tunnel that i haven't dared think about.  and, i'm really sorry about your losses.  my very dear friends also give me unconditional love, we throw out 'i love you's' all the time, all of them heartfelt.  not being able to feel that level of acceptance has irritated me no end.  one of the emotions that i haven't allowed has been fear, and it's only through writing here that it's been able to break through.  so, yeah, i have to accept the more 'neg' emotions along with the positive emotions in order to become a thriver.  in actuality, it's being able to feel the entire range of emotions that make us whole as human beings, so accepting them all is important.  and wholeness is thriving, is it not?

so, thank you all again.  while i've been contemplating this since i wrote it, what finally burst into my consciousness is that the inability to feel my emotions has been part of both my maladjusted defense and coping mechanisms.  i've needed them in my past, not only to survive but also to do many of the things i've accomplished.    if fear wasn't allowed, then i wasn't afraid to just go ahead and do what i wanted to do, like go back to college in my 40's to become a therapist, or to make several road trips on my own from wisconsin to mexico, because that's where i needed to be to get away from the madness, and several other accomplishments, including moving here to mexico on my own in my 50's with only a few thousand dollars and a lot of faith.  but, because i never felt fear at doing any of these things, the idea that i was courageous/brave didn't register with me, either. 

one of my other posts, i finally felt afraid, vulnerable, but i did it anyway.  that may be the first time i actually felt courageous.  writing about this has opened me up now, and i don't know how/why that happened, but it did.  my hub gave me a compliment last night and i finally understood the term 'warm fuzzy'.  it was incredible!

so, i believe i will be laying to rest these outdated, unnecessary defense/coping mechanisms in a funeral.  it will have many floral arrangements because i will be burying many things like arrogance, frigidity, distance, a feeling of superiority, fear of expectations, inability to feel true compassion for others (i could fake it really well when i needed to), the 'take care of yourself, cuz i have to take care of myself' attitude, all the while being a helper at every level in order to get that validation.  it will be a joyous event - chains will be broken, freedom will be felt, and i will begin to nurture the idea that it is possible to be an emotionally whole person, encouraging it to grow and bloom.   i hope i'm being realistic.  a little self-doubt here.  also, a lot of fear that i'm wrong.

tears?  absolutely part of the process.  they're beginning now at the thought of this.  i don't quite know who i am without all these barriers.  fear?  yep, that, too.  a little scary to feel, finally.  and, diminish the pain.  whoa!  with every other good thing coming in, i can't imagine that my pain (both physical and emotional) will continue at such a horrendous level.  that includes tension and the stress of staying alive.

i also know that it's important to find a balance.  so, that's what i will be fertilizing in order that this new version of me can flourish in a beautiful way.  (man, i sound pretty pollyanna-ish.  i hope i'm not just flying on a high of unreal expectations)   a new adventure, really.  but, i know i'm not alone, and that helps sooooo much!  you all are so precious to me.   

and, who knows, maybe i'll come back here and write about how it didn't quite work the way i wanted.  (that was scary to admit.  dang, it was so much easier when i believed i was perfect!)  but, i guess that's part of the process, too.

[sanmagic7]

i just finished my funeral for all my maladaptive and maladjusted defense systems and coping mechanisms.  i am reclaiming my 'self', focusing on this newer version of me who is more human, more humane, has more capacity to feel both inside and outside of me. 

a friend once told me that i was a cart pony who had taken on the job of a workhorse, one of those clydesdales or belgians that wowed me when i saw them at the fair.   she was right.   i took on everyone's problems, trying to be everything to all the people in my life, trying to compensate for what they didn't have in their lives, ignoring my own needs, burying my own wants, excusing everyone else's shortcomings while beating myself up for mine.  i made excuses for everyone who hurt me, letting them slide in order to be the bigger, better person.  i gave them what i needed, but it was never reciprocated, and i never understood why.   so i kept giving even as i exhausted my own supply of me.

i have paid an extraordinary price for this.  laying to rest these parts that i embraced in order to survive the madness of so many years of my life, i now believe that many of my physical ills will at least partly or mostly resolve themselves.  i believe this because i will lay to rest so much of the stress and tension i have kept on as part of my being.  i will be able to not only understand what it means to relax, but how to do that and how that feels.   eeeek!  this is some awfully new territory, yet i'm smiling. 

i still have some learning to do.  it's not finished, but it is a start.  i am going to be a cart pony, and eventually be able to prance, plume bobbing, pulling my flower cart behind me, something full of beauty and nature, something i love.  the others, well, i will help and do what i can, but no more expectations of being able to do it all, take care of them all, be all to every one of them.  i am more whole in this moment than i can ever remember.  it's more than nice.

[sanmagic7]

it's been a few days, and i do feel different, stronger, better, not so fragile.   i'm liking this feeling but not quite trusting it yet.  still, it kind of hits me upside the head from time to time during the day, and i realize the difference and enjoy it.  feeling a little bit hollow at times.  it was a lot to lay to rest, but so good so far. 

[woodsgnome]

Sanmagic 7 spoke of "liking this feeling but not quite trusting it yet"...and..."feeling a little bit hollow at times."

I've experienced the same sort of inner conflict in recent days with some  work   I've been doing related to my current round of therapy (Whoa--my inner child insists it be called 'play'!). Still, there's always this lurking inner critic voice smirking at the 'new' self I'm not so much creating as reconnecting with.

Perhaps those lapses where the inner critic sneaks back in can be considered not as a negative sign of regression, but as just a cleverly disguised invitation to savor your new direction, as you finally choose to retire the workhorse and truly "be able to prance, plume bobbing, pulling my flower cart behind me, something full of beauty and nature."