CPTSD and Our Relationships

[Pixelpixiestick]

This is crazy. Other people feel the emptiness? The inability to make a decision that isn't based around 20 methodical steps in order to prevent more abuse? My whole life I've hidden, and now I feel like an empty shell, a hollow body. I had a purpose as a peacemaker, a protector, a scared little girl. I'm leaning who I am now. I'm developing. I'm learning of my own talents and abilities, but I don't know what I want. Usually, it's because I've not experienced much outside of the chaos. How do you guys deal with a partner? Mine has been with me for a little shy of 3 years, and Idk how to get him to hold me when I need it or understand that I'm a physically needy person? I have to have hugs, and kisses, cuddles, etc., he's working a new job and is out of shape, so his tired all of the time and shows no affection now. I don't know how to explain that it's the most important thing to me, and all he says is that I'm not listening to him. He said he's tired. He and I have had this conversation since before this job too. It's been an ongoing thing for a little shy of a year. Any suggestions?

[schrödinger's cat]

Suggestions... I can't really tell what would help you, but I can talk about what helped my husband and me, and you can see if this might be useful for you guys, too. Now, chances are you probably know about it already. It's a concept called "The Five Love Languages". A very short version of it:

We tend to assume that everyone shows their love the same way. That's not true. Everyone has their own way of showing love. It's like a language they speak. It sounds like your preferred way of showing and receiving affection is through touch. If your partner doesn't touch you, you simply don't feel loved. Here's the thing - it happens a lot that partners have differing "languages". So each partner is convinced they're absolutely showering their loved one with affection - but nothing really reaches its target.

I found two websites with details: http://personalitycafe.com/articles/112444-five-love-languages-explained.html and http://marriage.about.com/cs/communicationkeys/a/lovelanguage.htm.

This didn't hit home until we had kids. Each of our kids also has one thing that they do to show their affection, and they respond REALLY WELL if we show them our affection the same way. We'd read about these "love languages" years and years earlier, but we'd always put it off practicing that, mainly because the name "love languages" sounds cringe-inducingly soppy in my language and a part of me went "urk, no thanks". Applying the concept to our parenting has made a HUGE difference. It was a real eyeopener: "so THAT'S why kid one is always chattering away at me, and why kid two is always climbing on my lap..."    I ended up just writing a "top five" for every member of my family and sticking it to our bathroom mirror, with the number one language of love written out in huge red letters, because like I said, it's devastatingly easy to lose sight of those things. If something isn't your OWN way of doing things, it's REALLY REALLY easy to end up assuming it isn't your partner's either.

So it's possible that your partner hears you ask for more hugs, but if it isn't HIS number one way of receiving affection, he's maybe filed all this under "bonus things to do" and not under "very necessary care and maintenance" as he should have done.

Some advantages of this concept:
--- it's about a give-and-take that lets both partners profit
--- it's a "neutral ground" you can meet on - talking about "here's a thing you did wrong in our relationship" can be a teeensy bit fraught, but pointing at a printout from a website and saying "here's what the experts say" is easier
--- I'm really really bad at asking for what I need, so I end up either too subtle and hint-hint, or too defensive... so huzzah for printouts and worksheets
--- it makes it clear that you're not asking your partner to do ALL THE THINGS ALL THE TIME, you're simply asking him to do ONE thing differently

If both of you are running on empty right now (which I'm getting the impression that you do), I'd suggest starting slow. It's tempting to instantly decide what the ideal solution would be. But oftentimes that's just too big a step, and you end up being discouraged by the sheer amount of change you'd have to tackle. What works for my husband and me is this: we talk about it, and decide about ONE thing we can do for each other that would already make a difference. Just one thing that's doable even on a bad day. That's our starting point. And of course, if that works out, it's a lot easier to say: "whoa hey, that was easier than I thought, let's do one thing more".

Whatever you end up doing, I wish you the best of luck.

[keepfighting]

This is crazy. Other people feel the emptiness? The inability to make a decision that isn't based around 20 methodical steps in order to prevent more abuse? My whole life I've hidden, and now I feel like an empty shell, a hollow body. I had a purpose as a peacemaker, a protector, a scared little girl. I'm leaning who I am now. I'm developing. I'm learning of my own talents and abilities, but I don't know what I want. Usually, it's because I've not experienced much outside of the chaos. How do you guys deal with a partner? Mine has been with me for a little shy of 3 years, and Idk how to get him to hold me when I need it or understand that I'm a physically needy person? I have to have hugs, and kisses, cuddles, etc., he's working a new job and is out of shape, so his tired all of the time and shows no affection now. I don't know how to explain that it's the most important thing to me, and all he says is that I'm not listening to him. He said he's tired. He and I have had this conversation since before this job too. It's been an ongoing thing for a little shy of a year. Any suggestions?

Where does the physical neediness come from? Is it part of your trying to fill the void you feel inside?

[somnambulist]

I ended up just writing a "top five" for every member of my family and sticking it to our bathroom mirror, with the number one language of love written out in huge red letters, because like I said, it's devastatingly easy to lose sight of those things. If something isn't your OWN way of doing things, it's REALLY REALLY easy to end up assuming it isn't your partner's either.

This is brilliant - I used to get my feelings hurt all the time when my partner didn't hold me and show me attention the way I felt I needed it, until I realized she shows love differently than I do.  It helps me to have a visual reminder, as I'm sometimes oblivious to her showing me her love in her own way.


And separately, this whole thread is reassuring and enlightening to me - one of the number one isolating feelings I've ever experienced is this idea that who I am is somehow not authentic and not real.  It seems many of us experience this, and the reality is much like I think you were saying earlier schrödinger's cat, in that what we do and choose to do is as much a part of who we are as what we think or feel.  It helps to know that the effort I put into setting up a series of sensible default actions to take helps me ever so slowly affect positive change in my life.  And it helps me to keep score sometimes, to stop, calm myself, take a deep breath in, exhale, and recognize / review my journals and look at the small goals I've accomplished for myself.

I have the perfectionist inside me nagging me to no end as well, but perfect is the enemy of good.  Achieving a positive outcome is sometimes about the aggregation of marginal gains - sometimes that's what it takes to come out ahead in the end.  And my military buddies remind me to "lock it up" when I'm feeling extra-flighty / lost / or panicky like everyone's going to see right through me and "oh my god how did I get here" sort of ways.  It helps me sometimes to fall back on routine, and find some reassuring message that I write myself to remind me of a good day I had here or there. Sometimes, I've learned, when I can't bring myself to trust other people or listen to them, and I can't bring myself to trust myself, then I just have to let go of my thinking and focus on doing - something, anything - but not just doing, recording what I did and reflecting on it.  Identifying something positive about it.  Consciously trying to pay myself a compliment about it and recognize something positive in myself.

Hold on to your little gems everyone.  They matter, and so do you.

[Rain]

I love seeing you sort things out ...and, oh so quickly   ...just in one day, somnambulist!    Well done.    And, yes ...we matter.   

[somnambulist]

I love seeing you sort things out ...and, oh so quickly   ...just in one day, somnambulist!    Well done.    And, yes ...we matter.   

I just have to shake myself sometimes, I realize I've lived this before. Up and down.  Day by day.  I regress when I pretend my trauma wasn't real or what I'm feeling isn't real.  I am still learning how to be kind to myself.

[Rain]

And you are learning, changing.       see the positive you do!

It is the inner critic that pumps us full of the negative take on things.    Screw the inner critic!  See the positive you do.

Well done!   

[Pixelpixiestick]

Thank you Schrodinger. I read this early this morning, and I'm already changing my approach. I let my partner know that I've started posting in a CPTSD forum, and I saw some light return. I'm just so relieved to find that my thought process is shared by others. I can not allow previous physical and psychological abuse damage the ones I love; I'm ending the cycle. I've broken away from it physically, and now I will begin to separate it psychologically and emotionally. He doesn't have to say it, but I realized that I had been draining him; I was basing my confidence and happiness solely off of his actions. I'm already thinking differently since I know I'm not alone, that I'm not the only person who experiences these specific rippling effects. He wants to see me happy, and he tries very hard in many ways, but I become confused and overwhelmed, and it seems as though all his efforts are futile. I'm excited about taking these steps; I get to just be me, and figure out exactly who that is, and I get to experience a bunch of firsts as an adult. Now, who gets to experience that kind of child like awe and amazement later on in life? It's going that quenching rain after a life-long drought. You guys are amazing.

[schrödinger's cat]

Thanks! Glad to hear that you're feeling better. But I think you did that all by yourself - you're very strong, I think.

I was basing my confidence and happiness solely off of his actions.

I've done that too. Poor guy - he had to single-handedly prove without a shadow of a doubt that he was without fail one hundred percent different from my abusers. It was like he was my therapy. And of course, CPTSD is so overwhelmingly sh*tty that even his best efforts sometimes barely made a dent.

I'm excited about taking these steps; I get to just be me, and figure out exactly who that is, and I get to experience a bunch of firsts as an adult. Now, who gets to experience that kind of child like awe and amazement later on in life? It's going that quenching rain after a life-long drought.

That's a brilliant way of looking at things. I mean, there have to be some compensations, right? I wish you all the best.