Relapse

[Joeybird]

I was doing moderately well, as long as I followed my usual routine. However, my computer was dying and I have a Chromebook. I used to be a real computer geek, and it took over my life for a couple of weeks. Actually had some energy.

Then I crashed -- could only cope with what was absolutely necessary. I have just been relaxing for a few days and I feel better. I usually have a small crash if I do too much in one day, but it doesn't last that long.

[movementforthebetter]

Thanks for posting, joeybird. I'm glad you recognized your crash and took care of yourself.

[macandrui]

I'm right there with you joeybird.

last night my partner woke me up in the wee  hours, because i was having a nightmare again, and make "that sound" which apparently is a kind of moan that she called "the saddest sound I've ever heard"

then I woke up at 6 am in terror and spent 45 minutes "spinning" walking back and forth trying to figure out how to leave a note for our 9-yr-old to call me on the phone, so I could take a walk with Buffy Darling at the park, and every time I tried to choose something I went back and forth and then on tangents and couldn't get anywhere with a simple set of decisions. but I couldn't manage it and it was so terrifying.

So I finally gave in and had to smoke my pipe, and it stopped me from "spinning" and running back and forth. It reduced the frequency and intensity of the waves of feeling, whose peaks are terror and panic and whose troughs are sorrow and regret.

the waves are there, but they are in my heart deeply and painfully, instead of crashing over my head and drowning me, and replacing me with a vicious fomorian changling. I'm my own evil twin brother.

I've had my pipe, maybe four, maybe even five times today alone, when it's usually only one pipe a week if that.

I have a mindfulness bell from http://dknapps.de

it's free and works very well. I have mine set to chime about every five minutes. then when it rings I have simple instructions: when you breathe in think, "i am breathing in", when you breathe out, think, "i am breathing out"

it's the most basic mindfulness.

(of course, irl I'm thinking, "i am breathing in, i am breathing out, I am breathing in, i am freaking out, i am breathing in, i am bre- wait  what?")

so i can joke a little about being lost in the Tulgey Wood, fwiw

so... i just kinda blebbed all over post :oops:

sorry,
James

oh and p.s. to movementforthebetter, i love love love The Last Unicorn :-)

p.p.s joeybird, hang in there and keep on taking care of you :-)

[sanmagic7]

joeybird, i can relate.  thankfully, it's getting better the farther along on this journey i go.  i used to crash, tho, after too much stress, too much stimulation, too many things to do outside my routine (sometimes that consisted of only one other thing), and rest worked for me as well.  often my crashes came in the form of illness - i've been sick a lot over the years.  keep recognizing and taking care of yourself, and hopefully you'll begin to be able to stop yourself before you go over your limit.  i believe that if we don't stop ourselves, our bodies/brains will.  you're not alone, that's for sure.