Offering and accepting love

Started by AncientSoul, September 12, 2016, 03:47:17 PM

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AncientSoul

To begin, I wish to apologize to anyone I may have hurt because of any prior postings I have made on this site. One of my greatest fears is that I may have hurt someone. I have a quick tongue, and at times, my brain isn't connected to it. I'm human.

This site has given me an opportunity to express my inner feelings, and also to research and explore what I personally need to properly heal. My own trauma caused by my Narcissist older sister and trauma unrelated to her, is in my words, unbelievable.

I'm trying to understand why, despite my going No Contact with my sister since 2010, I have let my sister and her children get away with exploiting me. I'm trying to understand why I "freeze up" like a deer in headlights when I visually see my sister in the distance. It makes no sense to me, but it happens, and it happens in my own home and on my own properties. My sister lives 500 feet away across the road, as she figured out years ago how to steal my stroke victim brother's house and property, all his possessions and his retirements.

I isolate myself in my house, limit my outside appearances to the side of my property shielded from view, and I go inside if any of her kids drive by. When I see my sister, my head feels like its burning up and I feel light headed. It doesn't make sense, as I am the type that doesn't fear much of anything.

None of these things happen to me when I go somewhere else and am around other people. Except, it is difficult to trust.

This last weekend, I went to an Octoberfest party of friends I have known for many years. I see them maybe once or twice a year. This was three weekends in a row of my being with friends and doing things. No freeze ups, no head getting hot, nothing but being happy, and giving and receiving smiles, hugs and feeling good. Such a difference and like I used to be for the many years my sister was living hundreds of miles away. This weekend, from no less than fifty people, I was told to my face "I love you" with the greatest sincerity. I said the same back to them. And I had maybe one beer the entire time, and drank water the rest of the day and night.

I am making a conscious choice to tell the people I know how much they really mean to me. I've been reaching out on FB and getting responses back to me. And I'm talking about the things I have done in the past which I have not shared with anyone. Good things and fun things. I am prepared to be rejected by some, because that is life. We all have our own journeys.

I wonder if by my doing this, is it masking my symptoms? Or by my offering and accepting love, is it healing me? To me, it feels good, but I don't wish to hurt anyone by my actions. I am respectful or at least I hope I am.

What makes me sad today, is that across the road this weekend, it looked like my nieces and nephews were there. It also looked like some of them were visiting my niece who has lived in a rental house of which I own half, and which I haven't received any rent money since 2009, but am given the "bills". (My sister took over handling it and I allowed it. I was very sick)

As always, no phone calls, no one came to see me, and I noticed someone who looked like my great niece with a man and they had a baby carrier. They were staying in a house I own and no one visited me.

When I went no contact with my sister, it was per doctors orders for my own safety. I've said that here before. It was re translated by my sister to her kids that "Your uncle doesn't wish to see ANYONE, and wants to be left alone." When I went NC with my sister, I took the opportunity and spoke directly with my nieces and nephews as to why I went NC. I told them it was because of their mother and for my own health. They either didn't respond to me and kept quiet, or they told me that their mother was the most wonderful person in the whole wide world. (Which are the exact words my sister always says when she talks about herself.)

I feel I'm recovering slowly. But when I am away from here, I feel normal, yet I don't want to bother anyone or impose. And I have a "need" to get back home. But at home, I isolate myself. My sister used to take vacations and leave, she hasn't in years. When she left and I knew she was gone, I felt free and uplifted, went outside and did normal things.

This a real battle, and I'm going to win. Needed to write this out and tell someone. Good or bad.

Thanks,

AncientSoul


Three Roses

:hug:

Speaking for just myself, AncientSoul, there was nothing to forgive. To me, you've said nothing hurtful, you've only talked about your experiences.

Your experience with your sister triggers something in me, and I get angry for you! (Why is it I can't muster the anger I need for my own recovery?  ;) ).  It makes me want to yank your sister and nieces out by the ears! At the very least, get a lawyer who will take this on and do battle for you, for what is rightfully yours, and get yourself off the hook for paying THEIR bills!!! Grrr!!

AncientSoul

Since there has been no one to stand beside me to help me fight my sister, I find myself here to vent and speak out. Everyday is a battle, a battle that under normal circumstances should not even be fought. But the greed, selfishness and hate being directed towards me, that is not something I would ever wish on anyone.

I spend time here reading and looking to understand others plights, and find the courage to admit my own so I can move forward. To me, both negative and positive are helpful. Though I tend to run from the negative if it is directed towards me, and I have to accept that good or bad, I am a good person despite my own failings.

I see many good people here. And you all help.

AncientSoul

sanmagic7

hey, ancient soul,

i can totally relate to 'allowing' others to take advantage of me and abuse me.  i was taught that i must be a good role model for others, so i was always doing to/for them what, in essence, i wanted to receive.  somehow, i thought that if i acted in a 'good' way, they would act that way toward me.  it didn't happen.

as i continued in recovery, i realized that, no matter what i did, they weren't going to change, and if i wanted something different to happen, i was going to have to be the one to make it happen.  it was when i was able to begin setting boundaries for myself, sticking to them, and not allowing the abuse to me by doing so that things did, indeed, change.

i finally understood that i had a choice in the matter of what happened to me.  i could continue to 'allow' it, or i could stop it.   but the main thing i realized was that it was up to me.  i could continue to be victimized, or could do what it took to not let it happen anymore.

i've had to do this with both family and friends, including my daughter.  it was maybe the most difficult thing i've ever done, but i was determined to rid my life of abuse and abusive people.  it didn't happen all at once by any means.  but, the farther into recovery i went, the more i treasured myself.  it became a question of what am i worth?  as my sense of self-worth increased, my tolerance for bad behavior by others toward me decreased.   i threw off the shackles that kept me their punching bag.  i have been victimized, but i no longer consider myself as someone in a victim role.  just my experience and thoughts.  best to you - i hope you are able to eventually throw off your own shackles.

3roses, i can relate to your dilemma regarding getting angry for others, but not for yourself.  that's just how my process went.  for me, the idea that i could get angry about something, have an intense feeling and opinion about something was the first step toward my being able to see that i deserve to give myself the same intensity as i'd been giving to others.  i do believe you'll get there.  hangin' right beside you.

AncientSoul

Reading the responses is lifting me up, making me think and realizing I am in charge of my own fate and happiness. And yes, it is up to me to stop the victimization of me. I'm all that I have, and to me that is sad. (I didn't mean to disparage the people here, you've been great support and inspiration.)

I've always believed in fair play. That hasn't been the case. My sister and her kids attitude of "What is theirs is theirs, and what is mine is theirs too". That doesn't fly. I don't really understand how anyone can think like that. But I guess that is why I am here.

The travails of each of you which I have read, they sadden me that others go through such things. I think to myself, where is the compassion, where is the kindness of people? What causes evil people? Yet there are many kind and compassionate people, we all need to focus on those, be with those and form boundaries to keep the others who will hurt us away or at bay. That is a developed skill, and the tools are here to help find that skill.

Here is to hope, courage and skill to find ourselves and be free.

AncientSoul


sanmagic7

ancient soul, the more i learn, the deeper i get into recovery, the more i have stopped questioning exactly what makes other people different from me.  i know they have their own reasons, many of them based in fear:  fear of not getting what they want/need, fear of not looking like winners, fear of their own shameful secrets coming to the light, fear of admitting they're wrong, looking weak, being vulnerable, being judged, and on and on.  so many people are afraid, and it's the ones who refuse to explore and admit their fears that continue to take advantage, abuse, and think lesser of others.

kindness and compassion come from the heart.  those who have blocked hearts can't show the goodness, no matter how much we set an example for them to see, acknowledge, and follow.  fair play isn't a term in their vocabulary, except, perhaps, in a neg. way.  'do unto others before they do it to you' kind of mentality.  my ex was a pessimist, all the way.  he explained it to me once - if i always expect things to go wrong, i'm never disappointed.  as an optimist, i modeled optimism all over the place, and explained that i looked for things to go right because then i was able to embrace the exhilaration that came with that.  he didn't understand me anymore than i understood him.

so, i learned to leave those kinds of people, their worldview and perspectives to them, and to move away from the whole kit and kaboodle.  i quit the battle, at least on that front.  and, slowly but surely, i began reclaiming my power and my self.   just like you said, ancient soul, i raise my glass to hope, courage, and the skills to be free.  together, we can do this.

AncientSoul

What a difficult thing to do for me in reaching out. I've been conditioned to never ask for help or recognition in anything. My parents always told me, "If you did it or if you're about to do it and can do it, tell someone. Don't be shy!" Then my sister would clandestinely call me a "Showboater, selfish, show off, self-centered" and so forth. Then she would tell me not to listen to my parents and that "she" was the true authority.

I'm working to get back what has been stolen from me by my sister and her kids. It is a one way street with them. My self blame and knowing things will be turned back upon me as "all my fault" is a terrible hurt within me. I will push forward, and I expect the whole wrath of the world will come down on me. So I am preparing and am resolving to be strong.

I got a phone call yesterday from a long time friend. I was asked if I have "evicted my niece and her family yet". I haven't received even a dime in rent since they moved into the rental house years ago. My friend is pushing me. Even though I have been victimized, as soon as I act to get back what is really mine, I will become the "villain".

To the best of my knowledge, I have never asked my sister or her kids for anything, nor have they done anything for me or given me anything at all. When I have received something from my sister, the cost to me was a great price. So my defense is, "I have given you all so much, and you've taken so much from me. What have I ever asked for from any of you, and what have any of you given to me?"

I am prepared for them to answer. "But we've lived in your house, and have been fixing it up for you so you'll have income." And we've been helping take care of our uncle. (My brother)

So let's see, seven and a half years of my not receiving any rent for my rental house of which I own half. It's fair market rental value was $1500 a month and is now over $2000 a month. I have not and did not authorize any work or improvements on the place that were not needed or wanted. So, 90 months of not getting anything at all from the rental, times $750 a month as my conservative share of the rental comes to $67,500 during that time frame. That is just one rental. There are two rentals on that property.

Seems to me that is a lot for me to "give", especially if I have not agreed to give any of that.

I've been telling people in my life how much they mean to me. It feels pretty darned good. A couple have responded, but that is expected. I've been quiet for so long.

I'm wondering if an attorney would really help me, or if I would have to pay them an exorbitant fee.

I'm sounding this out here, its probably off context, but it helps me think. I keep wanting to blame myself, and I know otherwise. Yes, I have a responsibility, but I have it to myself.

Thanks for listening,
AncientSoul


sanmagic7

you probably will be the villain.  i've been the villain many times as i continue to take care of myself.  but, to the ones who truly know and care about me, they have only seen my courage, and have cheered me on.  like your friend, i imagine.  there is no pleasing everyone here, but there is your own sense of empowerment, dignity, and self-worth to be won. 

as far as a lawyer, how much is this worth?  both the answers and decisions are in your hands, but it sounds like you have some valuable support, and possibly someone to talk these matters over with in your friend.