Narcissist Borderline Mother

[B.Smith]

So in the past week I found out my Mother is a Narcissist and I her Scapegoat. I'm confused and hurt. She manipulated my whole family and myself into thinking I was crazy for 26 years. My therapist is the one who brought it to my attention. I'm angry and heart sick. She made me feel like nothing. I have journals and writings all the way back to 2001. My mind is racing and I keep going back in my life to every interaction I had with her. I'm seeing everything with new eyes and it's been nothing short of disturbing. All my thoughts are conflicted and I go in and out of reality it feels like. I'm just reaching out because whether I like it or not I know I can't go at this one alone. I lost my son to SIDS in Sept 2012 and now 4 years later I lost the family I thought I had. It's so much grief to hold right now. My heart feels completely heavy and I really need a support system since my family is no longer in the picture. If anyone has any advice please send it my way.

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi B.Smith  and welcome. 

Many of us have had similar experiences as you had right now.

I hope and wish this site and community will be a support for you in the time to come.

[movementforthebetter]

Hi B.Smith,

Welcome to the forum, we are definitely your people and you have found the right place. I am sorry you are in pain right now and especially for the difficult losses you have endured. I believe the site has great info in the resource section that can help but also take time to be gentle with yourself as you may need that more at the moment.

I can relate to you. My M sounds pretty much the same as your M. You wrote that you feel like you're going in and out of reality... Is that a physical sensation or a mental state? I think both are pretty common with cptsd. For me it's been both but mostly mental, with me having had flashes of seeing clearly in the past only to be gaslighted back into the fog for 15 years more until I emerged this year.

If you can handle it, keep writing here, or at least keep reading. You are not alone.

[Three Roses]

Hello B, and welcome! Although it's sad that such a place as our forum has to exist, we are thankful that it does and happy to welcome you to it.

I'm so sorry to hear about your child. My sincere condolences on your loss.

It is a shock to find out that things are not what you've been seeing, isn't it! I've had the same experience in the last few years - seeing things the way they really are/were instead of what I thought. Makes the ground you walk on feel less firm.

As far as advice - I would say, be gentle with yourself; treat that inner, hurting child the way she needs right now with lots of hugs and reassurances. Lots of us here actually talk to (& listen to) our Inner Child, and find relief that way. Take it slow & go at your own pace!

I'm thankful you have what sounds like a good therapist.

[Ren]

B Smith:   I totally relate to everything you say.  I was very late into life when I discovered my mother was an NPD person and I the Scapegoat.  I wanted to tell the world of course but unfortunately most do not want to hear your "release" from the burden.   The main thing is that you are not to blame and you can celebrate that every day now.

As Aphrodite Matsakis records in her books on trauma, our discovery of our pain isn't often well received because it raises others' tender spots where they don't want to go.  So being here is a great support.

[Hazy111]

If it helps whilst with my T , i was calling my uBPD mother a "****ing *" for treating me the way she did. She had no right
So i was doing for you to!!!

My Dad, still says she was a wonderful mother???!!!!!   so f*** him too!!!

Good luck , whatever you do , dont feel guilty,its theirs and theirs alone. You will recover in time

[Placebo]

I feel you. I literally woke up one day and found nm had turned everyone against me en masse. That was some time ago now. I am mostly angry with them now and also sure I don't want to be involved in that web of deciet in which I am always fated to play the fly. The pain eases. I am sorry for your loss also. I hope you can find some happiness in your life now. 😃

[Cc]

I too have been in this situation and Im so sorry you are having such a hard time, coming out of the denial and seeing the truth for the first time can be so painful,

The grief I felt was unbearable at times but the only way out of it all is through.  In the darkest of moments I learned to rely on my own inner strength and that brought me a lot of comfort  though I did reach out through therapy too!

My thoughts are with you and keep hope... you will get through this!

[Wife#2]

Sending you one HUGE, WARM hug! Oh, I am so sorry this is all happening at once. I could also hug your therapist for helping you see what was always there.

What you have already survived is incredible. May I offer my shoulder for crying? Many tears have been shed there. I'd consider it an honor. Yes, you are worthy of having YOUR tears considered an HONOR when shared. 

I wish I could tell you that the road you are on is an easy one. It isn't. That's not to say it isn't worthwhile. Because down this road there will be signs of healing, of growth and of hope. Yes, speed bumps are scattered here, too. Pain, anger, hurt, disappointment, they're all in the bumps. No, you can't get around them. It's ok, though. Slowing down and understanding them and getting past them, that's when the journey you've just begun gets interesting, challenging and sometimes even fun! The best part is that you get to know the authentic you along the way.

I also have a uBPD/Narc mother. Mine is a non-malignant waif/queen, so I do have to consider myself lucky. I've also been in therapy on and off for long spells of my life. I go through seasons of hating the woman who gave me life, to more compassionate seasons where I can forgive some parts of it. Right now, I'm ready for more no-contact with her to protect myself and my family from her self-destruction and hoover attempts.

Remember that any feeling that you're having is valid. ANY feeling. Also remember that it is basically futile to try to reason with an unhealthy person like your Mom. It's like trying to reason with an alcoholic at the bottom of his/her fifth bottle of vodka. That is why this website is so healing. You can come here, tell us all about it and get it off your chest. You may even get good advice if you want it! Mostly, you'll have a chance to talk to people who understand, relate and validate you as a person worthy of being loved.

While I absolutely cry for what has brought you here, I am glad you found us. Welcome! We can and will get through this together.