triggers and strong feelings

[radical]

I've decided to pull back for a while because I'm too reactive at the moment.

It is difficult to know what to do when something someone says reminds of our own bad experiences.  I think the best thing for me, is to leave it alone and not respond.  Having said that, I feel there can be a problem in the other direction, where being triggered is a sign of 'this is not okay,' and a strong sense that something that appears to be innocuous is not as it seems, where there is a troubling mismatch of content, context and experience.

I think it is better to hold my peace, and to be certain where strong feelings are involved, that any response is wise and measured, and takes the sensitivities of the whole community into account.  A damaging, potential unintended outcome in this kind of situation, can be that someone outside the situation reading the interchange, who is deeply sensitive about the feelings of others, and excessively inhibited as a result, as they struggle to ensure that they do not hurt or offend, will misunderstand, and feel confirmed in their doubts and negative feelings about themselves in interacting with others.  I'd hate to make people who are kind and sensitive feel more self-doubt.

[Three Roses]

 

There should be room here for everyone to discuss their full range of emotions, in my opinion, as long as its done without attacking. We're all sensitive from time to time, and speaking for myself especially, reactions are different on different days.

I hope you don't pull back. We all should be used to rough edges, not only others' but our own, and recognize that sometimes hiccups in smooth communication will happen.

We're all learning here. And that's a good thing!

[sanmagic7]

radical, i hope you don't pull back, either.  i don't want to lose you.  i know that these issues can scrape scabs off our wounds, or press on sensitive spots in our psyches.  i feel bad about what happened, and it is a fine line, often difficult to determine, in sensing what is our own issue and what is a danger.

so, we take a risk , put ourselves out there.  sometimes there is a positive result, sometimes a negative result, but, like 3roses said, every result is something to learn from.  this is an online support forum, a place where we practice what we have learned, whether it is speaking up for ourselves or putting boundaries out.  we all need to practice, including practicing how to deal with the neg. results that may come our way.  this is the safest place i have found to do that.  i hope you will speak more to your experience here so that the others who you may be concerned about, can also learn from it. 

your voice has been insightful, caring, generous, and supportive.  it would be a great loss to this forum, and to me, personally, to not have it heard.  you went 'out on a limb', it cracked.  i don't think we are able to make progress if we don't crack some limbs from time to time.  it comes with the territory.  we will never know how much pressure any/every limb can take.  you didn't come to that tree with a chain saw, the goal being to take that limb out.   instead, i applaud you for your bravery in speaking up to something that is a sensitive issue for you.   we do all heal in our own way, and we are all in different places on our paths.  as i tell my best friend when she's going through a rough patch, hang tough, i'm hangin' right beside you.

[Three Roses]

[meursault]

radical,

I hope you stay.  FWIW, I was kind of beating myself up, thinking: "Is that how I'm supposed to behave?" until your post.  We are all prone to being quite sensitive, I think, but as long as we are respectful, I think we can all learn here!

Meursault

[radical]

Sorry, i didn't mean to give the wrong impression. I didn't intend to leave, just to back off a bit because I'm too reactive right now.  I value this community, it matters to me, and I really appreciate you all!

Meursault, I reckon you are a lovely, sensitive person who has been badly hurt, and robbed of confidence in yourself due to trauma.  It warms my heart to see you finding your feet and learning to trust yourself.

[woodsgnome]

It seems like many on the path of recovery encounter figurative glass shards on the trail. We can easily sense their possibility, as there sure were lots of these sharp-edged dangers despite our best efforts to carefully step around them (and hoping we were free of them).

Triggers do pop up and set us back, sometimes in the most unexpected ways. I encountered a particularly bad trigger/EF on here myself, where I least expected anything like that to affect me so awfully. It didn't just surprise, it made me wonder if all I was doing was risking more vulnerability just by being here. I obviously changed my mind, but not without a heightened sense of fragility.

The flip of that is that sometimes it's just good to break off, as it is. There is a steady emotional roller-coaster ride going on here, and it can feel like we're close to spinning dangerously close to some pretty serious triggers.

So yes, radical, what you say is perfectly understandable and I join the rest who've appreciated where your experience has led you, and especially to your willingness to share your unique and always valid story.

[~Lapis-Lazuli~]

I was also wondering how to handle the triggers and emotional flashbacks.
I mean, they don't happen everyday.  But when they DO happen, I just have to be alone for a while and it can take a some time for me to come back.
My mom would understand, because she has been through it too, but I don't feel comfortable talking about it too her.
Is it healthy to be alone to sort through it, or do I need to be around people and just try to suppress it?  (I don't know if suppress is the right word or not.)
I also crave cuddling.  I did cuddle with my mom, but there was this long period where I pushed everybody away due to me being so confused and overwhelmed about what was happening to me.

Just a side note, does anybody else on here get REALLY annoyed when teens say "triggered" and are NOT referring to PTSD?
I almost shook this boy who's a year younger than me at my church because he's used it so many times that it became annoying.

I don't know, does emotional abuse awaken a slightly violent side to yourself, particularly if you experienced slight violence in your home?
It also seems like my personality has been changed, you know what I mean?

[radical]

I can't do cut and paste with this laptop keyboard yet, but i wanted to say that yes, my personality has changed since I came out of the fog.  I don't know if I'd call it violence, more a backlog of legitimate rage.  It is important to not react with more anger than situations deserve, but the backlog is giving important information about the past and the present, ime.  It requires awareness and judgement, and not reacting, but responding to what is happening in the moment rather than to the backlog from the past.

I wouldn't call my traumatic experiences "slight violence", but that's just my particular experiences.

Reading back on this thread, I'd like to respond, belatedly to SanMagic when she said "the limb cracked".  I appreciate that may have been your perception of the discussion, it wasn't mine.  I chose to stop pursuing the subject because I felt stopping was for the best, for everyone concerned.  I stand by what i said.  i could have said a great deal more on the subject.  I was very much holding back, not because I felt my perception was off, (I don't),  but because I wanted to avoid going further and risking being reactive and hurtful on account of the backlog inside myself.

[movementforthebetter]

Radical, I am glad you wrote this. I just wanted to say that I actually support your views, comments, interpretations and decisions to date, going back to the original issue. I think the misinterpretation was not on your part. You have shown courage, wisdom and restraint.  You also voiced contrition when you didn't have to. Please know you have my solidarity.

This comment may sound cryptic but that's only because I am trying not to offend others who I also respect. Realistically, that's not always possible, but I try.

[Dee]

Radical,

Everyone's input is important here, but to me you are one of the most validating posters.  I always feel that your post show remarkable self awareness and maturity.

[Contessa]

Oh dear, i'm not sure what has happened, sorry to read this. I do sometimes worry that i might offend others with my outpourings, so apologies if I have.

I guess that is the nature of this forum. We are here because of our negative experiences, and we are all going to be at varying levels of sensitivity.

I backed off a few months ago because the focus of recovery shifted. I also didn't want to say anything insensitive as a result of this shift. Its okay to vary involvement for what you need.

I for one appreciate the communication I have received from you Radical. I look forward to your insight should our paths cross in our postings What you say about the change in personality, backlog and reaction is very understandable. My rage has left me now, thank goodness. But i still have yet to master not shooting my mouth off.

Support you all the way.

[radical]

Thank you for your kind words, Movementforthebetter, Dee and Contessa,

This forum is an important place for me.  I'm grateful for it and all the wonderful people who make up this community.
It is very difficult to balance being honest particularly in giving feedback that may be taken as a criticism, and the need for everyone here to feel and be safe.

The thread has been removed by the author and that was entirely that person's right.  The feedback was unwelcome and they didn't want to discuss it.  Again, that is something every member needs to have the right to judge for themselves and to set boundaries accordingly.  In pulling back, I was, in part, respecting that person's boundary, and I regret that in belatedly responding to Sanmagic's comment this may has brought up painful feelings for them.  That was not my intention.  I didn't feel I could respond at the time because feelings were running high and the person had said they were going to leave the forum.  I didn't want that to happen and I still don't.  I was trying to be helpful and I was being honest, but respect that the person didn't find my comments helpful.

I responded to Sanmagic because I believe she misunderstood what I was saying.  Using the word "triggered" was unhelpful.  Triggered refers to trauma.  I wasn't traumatised by the kinds of experiences referred to, I was angry and rendered powerless to respond appropriately and honour my own feelings by the social context.  I don't believe those feelings are in any way pathological, but actually a healthy expression of my right to be able to decide how, when, and by whom I'm touched, most particularly in a sexualised manner, and to be treated with respect.  I had thought long and hard before I wrote the comment and decided on the basis that if it were me, I'd want to hear it.   I felt myself becoming reactive in the ensuing discussion, and withdrew from it to prevent harm.  I wanted to clarify that.

[sanmagic7]

hey, radical,

just so you know, i found nothing wrong with what you posted on the subject at the time.  i respected your perspective of the situation completely.  i think what i meant by 'the limb cracked' and you going out on a limb was that your concerns seemed to bring up unwelcome issues/thoughts/feelings, whatever, for the other person who seemed fine with his behavior.  maybe 'the limb cracked' was an incorrect metaphor, and i'm sorry if it offended.  i didn't mean to do that.   i get what you were trying to say, and you had every right to say it.  quite brave.

[radical]

Thanks Sanmagic,
I wasn't offended, but I did misinterpret your comment.  I thought you were saying that my comment was out of line and in doing so, agreeing with me, and empathising with the difficulty of sometimes projecting our own woundedness onto others, ie 'getting it wrong'.  I felt I was unable to be clear at the time, and it may have led to a misunderstanding about what I was saying.
I hope you weren't offended by my clarification and that no-one else has been.