Keeping it together when abusive in-law visits?

[Sesame]

I have countless reasons to suspect my MIL is a narcissist. She will be visiting soon. She won't be staying in our home, but in such a huge city it was impossible to book an apartment large enough we could eat there (she has issues eating out and it will be `weird foreign food' for her), so she will be in our apartment every evening. I may make up some overtime to avoid having to spend too much time with her, especially if I smell an avalanche of criticism coming from the get-go, or nasty subtle insults about my weight, racial background, personality, etc. I can't even be sick without her nagging me about `making it worse' because I am `coughing in the wrong way'. 

With my C-PTSD, I have been stressing a lot about this visit and have already had several flashbacks because, honestly, someone like this in my life does not help. This is why I am so glad to live on the other side of the planet, but I still freak out when a visit is drawing near. Is there anything I can do to help myself keep it together, to remain calm when defending any boundaries I have set? Does anyone else have experience struggling with people that make their C-PTSD worse? What do you do? Can you recommend anything? (Please don't recommend therapy/therapists because this is pretty much useless in my location and will not help.)

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi sesame,

These are second hand tips I've read, since I don't have any in-laws.
But one tip that strikes me as golden has been: it's the mother of your husband, so HE gets to deal with her. 
Perhaps try to make some arrangements upfront with your husband that when you get triggered, you can leave and he will 'pick up the bill' and entertain his mother. That he makes sure she doesn't follow you when you need to exit for a while.

As for staying calm with boundaries, my experiences with narcissist and other high-conflict people is that Medium Chill and GrayRock work pretty well. And apart from that, if boundaries really keep being busted not staying calm is a viable option too in my experience, if only from you not keeping it all inside.
Which is a bit the downside of Medium Chill too. I usually need to rage and shout after the fact.

Are there any feared boundary violations you are expecting? Can you discuss those with your husband? And draw up a plan together what you both together will do in such case? Perhaps she violates his boundaries too. If in such cases you stick together, she doesn't stand a chance.

I hope her visit will be pretty uneventful.

[Danaus plexippus]

you are already on the right track with working overtime. That was my number one go to response. Drinking helped me not give a sh*t. I have since gone no contact with most of my in-laws and I no longer drink. If I choose to attend an event where I suspect they may be, I take the precaution of surrounding myself with emotionally supportive friends. The old safety in numbers ploy. Also I arrive when I please and leave at will. As this is your residence she'll be visiting I hope your husband does stick up for you. When she is hurtful, you could always just say "That was hurtful!" You don't have to blow a gasket but likewise you don't have to let her get away with being evil. If she tries to dismiss you by saying "Oh, sorry." Tell her if she was sorry, she would not have done it.

[Sesame]

Thank you for your input!

I have a solid plan of defence with my H and he is absolutely willing to defend me and confront his mother about her behaviour.

I'm aware of medium chill and grey rock, but my problem is that when *I* get too nervous, it's tough for me to think quickly and pull out the perfect medium chill or grey rock type of response. I need a quick and easy way to bring back focus and calm to myself... if such a method exists!

Particular boundary violations I'm expecting are mostly to do with criticising everything in our home. How it's done, why it's wrong, how her way is better... Perhaps even trying to rearrange things without permission. Being extra nosy about an appointment I couldn't avoid telling them about because it will have to be when they are here, but H will help with that. I may have to be on the alert for attacks on my weight. Race-related ones I am not expecting as much any more, but she's rather racist, so who knows? Oh, pushing H to move back to Europe may be on the agenda. Don't know if H will be on my side on that one because he's tempted and some bad things have happened at work recently. My reasons for not wanting to go back are not ones I am willing to share with uNMIL.

I wish I could drink, but I can't because of my genes. I get nothing positive from alcohol and all the negatives a lot earlier than any regular person would.

Supportive friends is a good idea, but I've told none of my friends here about uNMIL (we moved here two years ago and this is the first visit) and I would be concerned about her poisoning them against me if I don't get the chance to convince them of what she really is. Some people really don't want to believe MILs like that exist in the world.

Thank you for the suggestion of simply pointing it out as it is. IME, I think that will work well. I have noticed when I haven't bought her BS and have stared straight at her with a confused expression, it has made her uncomfortable and nervous. So I have to do my best to remember that and use it to protect myself.

[Danaus plexippus]

If you feel you are about to snap, you can always stick your fingers in your ears and sing "La, la, la, I can't hear you!"

It's my in-laws 68th anniversary this weekend. Their divorced son is flying north from the home of the woman he lives off and their divorced daughter is flying east to meet with them, the divorced son that lives with them and the son that lives close by with his wife, who's given up trying to get me to tag along with her to these family freak shows.

Just remember you can get through anything that is only temporary.

If she launches into her critical diatribe, ask her if she has made out her "living" will yet. Ask her if she has picked out a nursing home she would like to be sent to when she becomes unable to care for herself.

[sanmagic7]

i love those humor responses, danaus!  good ones!

often, when i've gotten criticized by people, i've said 'thank you', and stare straight at them.  they usually don't know how to respond to that because in actuality they've either been spoiling for a fight or are trying to get under your skin.  another thing i've done is simply turned and walked away.   this is about taking care of yourself, protecting yourself, and you deserve to use any and all weapons at your disposal.  i'm glad your hub is going to help out.  as d.u. said, it's his mother, it can be his problem.

for the record, as long as you and your hub are pleased with your home, how you do things, your possessions, etc., that's what counts.  her neg. opinions/advice are unasked for, uncalled for, and unwarranted.  just know in your own heart that your place is great, and the way you do things is great as well.  no one can trample on that.

[Sesame]

Danaus, I'm thinking I might start singing `Anything you can do, I can do better!' in an annoying voice when she starts in with all her criticisms and `suggestions'. Or I can even remember all the things she had issues with and start listing them back to her when she mentions yet another thing and adding, `is there anything else in our home that's bothering you?' But if she responds normally by listing more issues, just saying `I see' in a bored tone and moving on.

Sanmagic, yes, it looks like H is planning to take a much more proactive approach this time because he sees how stressed I am. Every time I begin worrying, he says, `No, Sesame! I will deal with it' and states his plan of what he will say and do. It's a big improvement from last time.

We're both very happy with our home. It's just the dealing with her pushiness and aggressiveness about doing it her way that stresses us out.