another piece of my puzzle -- possible triggers

[sanmagic7]

while reading a mystery, one of the lead characters went through an emotional and physical battle with several attackers.   after she was safe, she joked around for a bit, acted as if nothing had happened out of the ordinary.  when a policewoman arrived to stay with her for the night, she burst into tears.  the main character observed that those tears were the beginning of the healing from her combat trauma.

when i read the term 'combat trauma', time stood still for a few beats as my mind clicked back over my life.  i burst into tears myself.   as i thought about what this meant, i realized that i can describe what happened in my life as psychological combat trauma (and i mean no disrespect nor lessening of those who have been in actual physical combat).  i can't guess at how many times i've thought to myself, said to my t, my hub, friends, everyone that i feel like i have been battling for me, to be me, to actuate the essence of me all my life!

it's been one battle after another on so many different levels with so many different people just to be me without being ridiculed, judged, put down, contradicted, shushed, denied, and on and on.  it's only been in the past few months, actually, that i feel the battling may be over, at least for the most part.  just before those few months i had it out with my best friend about being my friend without judgment (it ended well) and my husband has gone into therapy to deal with his issues in our relationship.

to put a name to these monsters is always enormous for me.  it is also freeing, and the tears are cleansing.   psychological combat trauma fits so well for me as it encompasses that decades-long exertion and expenditure of energy battling to be who i am and have my nearest and dearest be ok with that.  i don't know if this is an ending to something, or a beginning, but i do know it helped me pass to a different state of feeling and being.   still a little shaky, don't know where this might go, so there's an element of the unknown lurking.  a tad bit discomfiting, little scary.  but i can feel all of you, and that is a feeling of safety no matter what else.  just wanted to share.

[Wife#2]

San, I completely understand why that hit you the way that it did. It's like the relief you get, when you know you are safe enough to HAVE the emotion at all, and to express it freely, without judgment.

That is a good name for what you particularly have survived. In many ways, you have survived a long siege. Only lately have you had the experience of the support system to finally process what it is you HAVE survived. Because it's been going on so long, you struggled to remember it, name it, at last feel it, then let it out and let it go.

I have been honored to be a witness to this, as well as be a member of your support team when I can.

BTW, I did have a similar experience at 14 in that I stopped a burglar in the act of breaking into my and my mother's home. There was a long story before that, but the night of the break-in, I shouted at him and he ran away. Like the character in the book, I joked with Mom about finally believing me that someone had been there. It wasn't until the police got there that I felt safe enough to process it all and cry. They validated for me that what had happened was wrong and bad and that I had been brave. The relief I felt was overwhelming. The lady officer just hugged me and told my mother over my shoulder that this reaction happens all the time. It's... NORMAL!

[sanmagic7]

wife#2, you've been a great support person for me.  thanks so much - so much gratitude.

i had a rough night last night, thinking about what it meant to not have to battle anymore.  the battling for me got mixed up with battling the legions of wrong (i've always been an activist), or battling to protect my daughter (even tho she's a grown woman, i'm still a momma bear and she's my cub), or battling to make sure that the right things are happening to help others (i've been big on advocacy).  for a minute it was like if i stop battling for me, does that mean i can't/don't battle for anything at all?

i got it straightened out pretty well.  basically, it means that i will have more energy to do battle where i see fit if i don't always have to be hyper-alert about taking on personal, psychological enemies.    i am a warrior woman, so to speak, and glad to be in that role.  but, i think now i don't have to look at everyone's problems as my own to deal with, either.  more balance, less stress.  so, we'll see where this goes from here.

i did do a funeral for this, laying to rest the idea that i have to continually battle for the right to be me.  my floral arrangement is still on my desktop, and i still feel the need to acknowledge it.  possibly until i make a full transition.  with the help and support i've gotten from you, from this forum, this has been a whole lot easier.  cleaning house. 

[Wife#2]

  You are an amazing woman and an inspiration!

[sanmagic7]

thanks, dear friend, for hangin' with me.  couldn't have done it alone.

i've talked with my hub about this, told him how he had been part of this battle for so long (even tho he's been taking care of me throughout 15 years while i struggled with being sick, with never a complaint) because of communication snags, his inability to 'hear' me, his determination to always 'fix' my feelings or perspective, things like that.  i know it was hard for him to hear it, but i was also able to tell him that since he's been going to therapy for these issues, i just feel so much safer, and i trust him so much more.  our environment is calmer, smoother, and being able to talk openly about this stuff has now brought us closer together in a fundamental way.   

so, ever onward.  and, i'm here for you, too, whenever you need my support and i'm able to give it.