New survivor. (not sure if need trigger warning?)

[alovelycreature]

Hi all. I decided to join this forum because I have found it helpful to connect with others who have C-PTSD.

My family situation was chaotic as a child. I come from a big family and although my Mom was the one causing most of my abuse, I still had many family members who were substance abusers and there is a hx of sexual abuse in my family. My Mom has never been diagnosed with anything. She's an alcoholic, a liar, a manipulator. Scapegoating, gas lighting, isolation, were a large part of my childhood. My Mom tried to convince I was schizophrenic (I am not) and she still tries to treat me as if I'm delusional about the abuse I suffered. I was the scapegoat for every family holiday or event that didn't go as planned. My Mom would get drunk and be angry and mean. She was also physically abusive. She at one point was a teacher in a psych hospital and whenever I was angry, sad, or upset she would hold me in this death grip until I would stop fighting her. She would pin me down and have my siblings tickle me until I couldn't breath. I was always on diets, and my Mom once wanted to take me to the doctor to see if they could make me grow taller. My Dad is a drug addict, and the only one in my family who believed my Mom was abusing me until my step-dad started being abused. My Mom has held him at gun point and is frequently violent with him.

I have always wanted to completely cut off my relationship with her, but I am very close with my step-dad and my siblings (who she didn't abuse in quite the same way). She has really brainwashed my siblings. I am the oldest, and when I was in college they refused to talk to me for long periods of time because my Mom told them I was stealing their child support money from my Dad. Obviously not true, and I don't know how that would be possible. So if I want to spend time with other family members, its a necessary evil to deal with her. However, if things get out of hand I leave. When uncomfortable conversations arise I refuse to talk at all, and it usually stops. I have figured out some tools for my box, but I am interested in learning other ways to deal with it.

Look forward to chatting with you all 

[Rain]

oh my, oh my ...

...let me pick my jaw off the floor.    She TAUGHT at a psych hospital.

Well, you do not need me to tell you what you went through was awful, alovelycreature.

Welcome to the forum ...that I can say, and I'm glad you are here!!   

Please do read the Member Guidelines, etc.   I look forward to your posts, and sharing the Journey.

Have you read Pete Walker's CPTSD: Surviving to Thriving book?  It is one many of us here use as a roadmap.   His web site is also excellent www.pete-walker.com

I'm sad for what you've gone through.

Grace and Healing in your Journey to a new way of being,
Rain

[schrödinger's cat]

Same here. I really did a double-take there: "...teacher at a... wait, WHAT?" It's chilling to read what you've gone through, and how utterly incapable people were (or still are) to see what's happening.

So, welcome to the club of people who are NOT secretly nostalgic for their youth. Pleased to meet you.  I hope you'll find something helpful here, and I'm looking forward to hearing more of you.

[Kizzie]

Hi Lovely and welcome to OOTS.  I'm so sorry to hear about your childhood and that the re-traumatizing you have to endure because of your M and her campaigns against you. I think that is one of two common misunderstandings about CPTSD: the first is that all abuse is emotional abuse and affects our very core, our sense of our self, who we are and what value we hold in this world; and secondly, that when we are in contact with abusive FOO, we experience new trauma and reignite old trauma.

It sounds like you have an understanding that your M most likely has a personality disorder and I was wondering if you have joined our sister site, Out of the FOG? http://outofthefog.net/forum/  If not you might want to pop over and have a look as there's lots of info and support there for dealing with the PD people in our lives, strategies for example like Medium Chill "A technique used to disengage oneself from another person's drama when direct contact is unavoidable.Medium Chill is disengaging emotionally and giving neutral responses to what someone does or says. The focus is on you, your feelings and needs, not the other person or their feelings and needs. (See http://www.outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/MediumChill.html).

In the meantime, you will undoubtedly find a good deal of info, support and encouragement here for dealing your CPTSD.  Again, welcome! 

[alovelycreature]

Thanks . I love reading so I will check it out!

oh my, oh my ...

...let me pick my jaw off the floor.    She TAUGHT at a psych hospital.

Well, you do not need me to tell you what you went through was awful, alovelycreature.

Welcome to the forum ...that I can say, and I'm glad you are here!!   

Please do read the Member Guidelines, etc.   I look forward to your posts, and sharing the Journey.

Have you read Pete Walker's CPTSD: Surviving to Thriving book?  It is one many of us here use as a roadmap.   His web site is also excellent www.pete-walker.com

I'm sad for what you've gone through.

Grace and Healing in your Journey to a new way of being,
Rain

[alovelycreature]

I actually joined out of the fog first and they redirected me over here! I did read Medium Chill and it really reinforced some of the things I have been trying to do and gave some good ideas for how to respond. Thank you

Thanks . I love reading so I will check it out!

oh my, oh my ...

...let me pick my jaw off the floor.    She TAUGHT at a psych hospital.

Well, you do not need me to tell you what you went through was awful, alovelycreature.

Welcome to the forum ...that I can say, and I'm glad you are here!!   

Please do read the Member Guidelines, etc.   I look forward to your posts, and sharing the Journey.

Have you read Pete Walker's CPTSD: Surviving to Thriving book?  It is one many of us here use as a roadmap.   His web site is also excellent www.pete-walker.com

I'm sad for what you've gone through.

Grace and Healing in your Journey to a new way of being,
Rain

[Kizzie]

OK Lovely, I just wanted to make sure you know about OOTF as the two often work in tandem (figuring out PD behav and how to respond/not respond to it, and recovering from CPTSD).  I am on both forums and a third for Social Anxiety Disorder which is a common characteristic of CPTSD. Glad to see you've used Medium Chill, it's amazing how effective some of the tools can be with PDs as they're quite predictable in many ways.  That's such a relief in a weird kind of way, finding out that it's not just us living in crazyville, but that we share this with many others who are dealing with someone's PD.   

In any event, glad you are here 

[Rrecovery]

Hi ALovelyCreature, I really like the username you chose    Your story touched my heart and I find it so inspiring that it's possible for people to find their way out of the cruelty and chaos of your FOO situation.  I was torture tickled in my childhood too, I'm so sorry you were forced to endure this.  I can't say this enough, we are heros all. 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi there I can v much relate to your foo - I don't have anymore suggestions to help u deal - as I am now nc for 7 yrs for me when I got to the point of thinking of causing physical harm to m I knew it was time to go nc for both her and myself - I have now done a lot of work through 12 step programmes and feel I have 'let go with love' . I wish her the best and don't feel anger like I used to - she was sick and I am getting well - if I could have a relationship with her ( however small ) I would but history says the injury is too great for her and I - harm to me is not a place I am willing to be in anymore -
With my dad I have a v boundaried and limited relating - I still carry anger towards him and that is work still to be done-
I have nc with brother - he was the favoured child and despite my efforts over the trs to love and have a relationship with him when I atopped bothering there was no relationship -
How I feel today - in many respects moved on - it's me and my recovery that is the forefront -
Being scapegoat is no easy place to be - I still have much to work on in spite of foo removed fr my situation -
How do people cope when still having relationships with such disfuctional / ill people? I do not know - when I read of people staying in touch because of siblings I can feel what a difficult place that is -
Is it possible to heal and be in touch ? I know for me is wasn't - but of course I can't say my way is the only way -
Being around an abuser and not getting further affected - is something that I can't get my head around - can we really reach a place where we are not affected ?
I am damaged - after 20 yrs of work - there is progress ( especially last 5 yrs - but work to do ( of course
I feel happy where I am at in my recovery - and feel I've got the best chances - to really start to grow as the person I was always meant to be not the person I was created by a monster -
Freedom is my best gift -