Recovering alcoholic trying to avoid facing C-PTSD

[FearFull]

Hello
I am a recovering alcoholic in AA. 12 years in recovery (since i was 21) with 9 years sobriety.
A few years ago I found some medical reports from when I was 6 years old. In them there were letters between 2 specialists unable to agree whether I had PTSD or not. The main argument against was that I was too young. However they agreed about the severe trauma and other things I don't really want to mention.
From 7 to 21 years old I used alcohol, almost daily. I got away with it for many years. It was my solution for the past and the tool that helped me keep going.
When I was 19 I had been seeing a psychiatrist at my university student health Centre and it was there I first heard her describe my PTSD as chronic or complex ... she had just been to some workshop or something but she said there was nothing officially in the literature to give it a formal diagnosis.
AA did for me what nothing else ever could before. I actually finally was able to escape the nightmares and most flashbacks. But there are things I cannot grasp that have left me in a place where I know I will drink again. I can't start again. I wouldn't even want to try to drink like a healthy person anyway. But for me it is always a disaster no matter how hard I try to control it.
I don't like whining about my past. I don't like talking about it at all actually. I have many relationships, inside and outside the rooms of AA where I know intimate and very personal details about others... people who describe me as a close and trusted friend. People who don't know anything about me. Or at least not much.
I've heard in some parts of the world AA is super religious.... well that's not the case where I live however the spiritual component (not religious) is very strong. Problem is that I cannot trust others, trust a Greater power or trust myself.  My value is measured in how many things I take care of or my work or whatever. Without my job, mortgage, husband and animals... I wouldn't have any value. Or I don't see it.
I struggle in my marriage because I can't talk. It's like my throat closes and I panic when I feel forced to try to give answers as to how I am feeling. I don't know how I feel. I don't think about it. I don't have the words.
In AA I can relate to the behaviour around active alcoholism.  I can sort of relate when I hear folk share a little of trauma they have experienced. But in the few occasions I have shared just some of my own... I have had some major over reactions... people crying for me or feeling bad or whatever. I don't need that crap. I have had some not believe my story. Whatever. One of them went as far as looking up court records and newspaper stories. She then made a tearful amends to me. I didn't even know she thought I was lying or making it all up.
Then you get the eejits who tell you to write a book or movie. Why do that if the audience cannot relate? If your situation is so unusual that it may as well be imaginary?
I don't know what I'm trying to do here.  I've been beaten, abused, neglected abandoned whatever. I've experienced and witnessed things I don't want to share. Whatever.
But I don't have anyone who can relate to my first major traumatic event.
If anyone else has experienced being kidnapped as a child I guess I would really appreciate maybe a message. Not really sure an open board discussion is appropriate. 
Or if anyone else in recovery from addiction/alcoholism has had struggles trying to have faith and trust in a loving higher power/spiritual entity I would appreciate a message.
Anyway, I don't know. I've spent my entire sobriety trying to run from C-PTSD. I know the 12 steps have helped me so much but I'm stuck and I know if I can't grow I will drink again and I don't want to.
Thanks for listening folks and thank you for sharing too

[Three Roses]

TRIGGER WARNING

Hello, FearFull, and welcome! We're glad you're here.

Alcoholism is very present on both sides of my family, mom and dad. One uncle died of it.

Although I abused substances from the time I was 15 - drugs and alcohol - I identify most strongly with being codependent. I'm also in a 12 step group, Al Anon, and find it helps with many things relating to my ineffective, dysfunctional coping "skills", but not the more serious aspects of cptsd like emotional flashbacks and dissociation.

Childhood trauma changes the brain in physical ways, and no amount of thinking yourself well or practicing self-control can repair that damage.

Bessel van der Kolk's book, "The Body Keeps The Score", is available in audio version on YouTube to listen to and is very informative and validating. Refreshing, even. In it, he explains the damage done to the brain by trauma (emotional or physical) and explains different types of therapy that are proven to be effective with cptsd, or as he refers to it, developmental trauma disorder.

I also have a story which people find unbelievable. I just don't even try anymore. All witnesses to my abuse are either deceased or have disappeared so there's no one to verify it. One therapist even said to me, "If that's true, ..." I stopped listening right there so I don't know what her point was.

You say, "My value is measured in how many things I take care of or my work or whatever." But this would make you a human doing, not a human being. If you believe your value is measured in that way, you believe an untruth. I think you could benefit from researching here on this site the "Inner Critic", or IC. Pete Walker also talks about the IC on his website, pete-walker.com, and in his book on cptsd.

There is so much information on this site, and referrals to other sources of help. And, people who will believe your story! And listen without judging. (If you want to tell it.)

So pull up a chair and make yourself at home! 

[sanmagic7]

hey, fearfull,

i have not had the horrendous experience of being abducted, but i am a recovering alcoholic/drug addict.  i had 15 yrs. sobriety when several walls came tumbling down at the same time, and i began using again.  it wasn't pretty, it wasn't fun, and in fact, it felt worse, i felt worse, for picking up the drink again.  i am now 15 yrs. sober again.  glad to see you here.

i've found that 12-step groups are excellent for recovery issues.  after many years of church work and attendance, i finally found a sense of spirituality in an AA group.  that was the beginning of my spiritual journey.  i wasn't very trusting in the beginning, either, because it was such a new concept to me.   as time went on, and i kept moving forward, spirituality formed within me in a very personal and individual way.  it was as if the various segments of my recovery all worked together.

while i'm grateful to the 12-step programs, in my case, they didn't meet all my needs as far as exploring these other issues that were plaguing me.  and, i went to various  other 12-step groups, attempting to find answers - OA, NA, CoDA, FA, even a generic support group made up of women from different 12-step groups.  they were all helpful, up to a point.  i believe, at least from what it sounds like to me, that you're at that point.

here's a story i've found helpful when i've come to that point.  it's called 'the lion and the roar'.  in the wild, the female lion is the hunter, while the male lion has a great roar.  when a herd of animals is coming, both the male and female take their places, one on either side of the beasts' path.  as the animals come near, the male begins his mighty roaring.   fearing that sound, the animals turn away, but head straight toward the waiting lioness, who then goes in for the kill.

we all have choices to make as we continue with our recovery.  which way to turn?  in your case, getting into your c-ptsd issues is frightening, just like the male lion's roar.  but, not getting into them, returning to drinking, is the true danger lying in wait, just like the lioness.  i can attest to the fact that whatever recovery issues we decide to work on is scary at times, painful, difficult, and frustrating - sometimes it feels like we're going backward instead of forward.  but, as you know from your recovery from alcoholism, each step counts.

and, so, we move ahead, we learn from our backward steps, and we keep going because we have a goal we want to reach.  we enable ourselves to come out of the darkness, to see the light, to celebrate ourselves and our victories, to feel better about ourselves and our lives, about who we really are.  we can't discover any of that unless we put one foot in front of the other, baby steps at times into the roar.  the roar holds no true danger for us, only a lot of loud air.

i don't know if any of this helped, but i want you to know that you're welcome here, and you're not alone.  we're all in this together.  so glad you posted.  that was a step into the roar.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank you for posting fear full - it's very helpful for me that you shared here ...
I am 6yrs sober in AA and am now back on anti depressants which block me from all sorts of internal things - in a positive and negative way ...
I was just wondering 'what do you see are the things that are blocking you off from a higher power ...
Or is it that you are not sure ...
I know for me when my head (and its really raging at the moment ) is not well it blocks my connection

Also the other thing that came to me was ACOA and dysfunctional families -- I've been to a few meetings and it seems a really helpful fellowship for adult children that come from trauma ...

Blocking off from our inner turmoil is a natural defence I think and so that's the choice we have isn't it we get help or use destructive ways ...
It's just knowing where to get the help and support

Glad you are here ...