Surviving Character Assassination

[radical]

Who is 'Space Cadet'?

If I was specifically not invited by the host, I wouldn't go.  For me, and it's just a personal opinion, even though the guy prevaricated when your friend asked, he's made it pretty clear he doesn't want you there.  I assume he is a friend or associate of the narc?

Where narcs are concerned it's never over simply and cleanly.  You've done brilliantly in rising above and presenting an alternative picture to the one he is painting.  It will probably be an ongoing situation, but hopefully one that most people will keep out of.  It hurts being left out, and there will probably be more difficult situations you'll need to ride out before the bullying drops to a background simmer (with luck).

I hope it goes away completely, but ime, narcs never play fair.  I believe it is important to not buy into any kind of win/lose dynamic because, you wouldn't want to be the kind of person who could beat a narc at this own game. And that's got nothing to do with intellect, which I'm sure you have over him in spades.

[Contessa]

Thanks, my feelings exactly radical. I do not turn up to places I am not invited.

"Space Cadet" is a guy I had to hear many nasty things about from the narc/sociopath when we were together. He is a lovely guy, and I like him. The narc/douche tried to get me to cancel his birthday drinks because the 'space cadet' was one of the few "idiots" going. All of those "idiots" (my friends, people I like and stood up for to him) are now being turned against me.

So yes, it is ubelievably clear that he has now been turned. This whole thing is ridiculous and disappointing. But most of all dangerous. And its clear that I won't be winning this fight any time soon.

Do you have any advice radical? Its just horrible. This kind of behaviour has always disgusted me when I would catch wind of it in my classroom. Unfortunately, there aren't really any teachers to nip these things when you're an adult.

[radical]

It's a really difficult situation, I know.

One of the most painful things for me was finding that people I'd gone out of my way to help were usually the first to turn, I suspect this is related to the same vulnerability in them, that led to my going out of my way for them, but in particular cases, it hurt like *. 

Looking back with a bit of distance, I now see that many who withdrew didn't do so because they had necessarily come to believe the smears, but because they feared the viciousness they recognised in the smearer.  These people probably felt bad about being aloof and rejecting, though I doubt they gave the situation too much thought.  If I'd been able to do as you are doing, I'm sure things would have returned to normal eventually, and it would have been a bit of a relief all round.  It felt personal, but it really wasn't.  The key would have been not taking it personally.   Also, other than close established friends, I think it's important to bad-mouth him.  People without conscience are shockingly good at manipulating situations to make themselves appear to be the victim, which is where my situation ended-up, not by 'returning fire', but by speaking out about the abuse to just a few people. 

Part of the dynamic is about things that have nothing to do with particular people.  Huge sums of money, as well as time and effort were involved.  I posed no actual threat to people, their money, the group or the project.  If cornered the narc would have had no qualms about taking everything and everyone down with her.  I believe there is an awareness, though not necessarily a conscious one, of threat, and of the danger of messing with ruthless people. 

I think what you are doing is the right thing.  It's a difficult middle ground, but maintaining your own dignity and integrity, not taking things personally when they aren't about you personally, being friendly and continuing to behave as what you are, someone with nothing to be ashamed or afraid of,  is the best way to starve the situation of oxygen over time, and also prevents inadvertently giving the creep ammunition to use against you.

The other thing is also hard, without becoming paranoid, don't ever forget the nature of the beast you are dealing with.  Don't underestimate what he is capable of.  If you keep your head you can watch.  Being smarter than him, as long as you stay calm you can probably keep a couple of steps ahead most of the time. 

Part of my story, is that for about eight months I was able to do this, sit back and watch, but that's mainly because i was already gone in my head.  No way was I going to remain in a feifdom she controlled. Getting out set things off again, is another story in itself.  but the good news is I got every penny out despite being contracted-in.  The next target has already tentatively re-established friendly relations.  The story is not over, but it's not my story anymore. 

[Contessa]

Thank you so much Radical. Your no nonsense response has put me at ease

I think you may be right about fearing the viciousness of the smears. The odd thing is, I had to listen to him smear all of these people to me, the ones he's now pretending to be friends with. That's one of the hardest things. I know the game he's playing, and the people he's deluding.

I am picking and choosing where I tell it like it is, because I am starting to fear that I project paranoia. In fact I contacted 'space cadet' (sigh) and he seemed to have genuinely forgot to invite me. It is clear to me that the seed of insecurity regarding who are and who are not my friends has been set. For every instance where I have been bad mouthed, there could be one or more where I haven't, and this insecurity runs the danger of me digging my own grave.

That said, I have told a few people about the abuse, so hopefully that should be enough. Meanwhile I have to keep playing it cool, and figure out what to do when the abusive intuition (and possible paranoia) kick in. Still its not a full on anxiety attack any more, so I guess its an improvement.

I'm sorry that you have been through this too, but thank you thank you thank you for your wise advice. You have definitely said the right thing to settle me. 

[annakoen]

Hi Contessa, I see the day has already passed by but wanted to ask what you decided to do or not do?

[Contessa]

Hi Annakoen,
I am fluffing about a bit here I know. I did contact 'space cadet' (how I hate calling him that), because in truth he is exactly like his namesake. If he wasn't, I wouldn't have. It was a genuine case of forgetfulness, and he is non the wiser I believe to all of this drama. Most of all he has always been lovely to me, so his response to my inquiry, thankfully, was as lovely as usual.

I do take every situation as it comes, and every person as they come. So the above course of action would not have gone down as well with someone else.

So I did make an appearance. And it was good.

Are you going through something similar Annakoen?

[radical]

I just wanted to say that bullying does induce a kind of paranoia.  You are genuinely under attack, but there is so much you can't know.  It is very much part of the gaslighting of covert abuse and hard to rise above.  It can provoke you react in ways that reinforce the false picture that is being painted.

Don't be hard on yourself, Contessa, because you are doing really well in incredibly stressful circumstances

[sanmagic7]

personally, if he told your friend to ask you herself, it sounds like it's ok.  so, if she's asked you and if you want to go, then go.  if it feels right at the party, maybe you want to talk to him.  the whole thing sounds awkward to me, like he feels awkward inviting you himself.  i don't know the politics there, or the hierarchy, if he's afraid of blatantly asking you because the other guy might be upset, or what the complexities of all of it might be.  i'm just sorry you've been put in such an uncomfortable position in all this.  sucks.

[Contessa]

Thank you Radical. I do feel that paranoia at times and can struggle with keeping calm.

I don't pretend to know what is happening exactly, or being said, thought or felt by other people. I don't put words into other people's mouths either. But I do know how to read behaviour, I know what I have experienced and witnessed this bully do in the past, and what it did to others. Sometimes I feel I know too much to play ignorant. But thank you for reinforcing that I am okay

Sanmagic, thank you as well. Yes that issue has been settled in good time, and is now behind us. With this guy, things are very very simple, so it was cleared up quickly. But yes, it is uncomfortable, and tough constantly thinking of all the possible/probable steps that have occurred behind the scenes, and then adjusting my behaviour accordingly to attempt quashing whatever those unseen/unheard things were as innocently as possible. Its absolutely ridiculous.

Please keep the positive reinforcement coming! For any time I have begun to entertain the idea of defeat, there is always another message from you to get me back on track.

[Contessa]

I have also been re-reading several posts by you Sanmagic and Radical, in a greater state of calm than with the first reading. Such amazing insight that only experience can possibly give you. A blessing and a curse.

[sanmagic7]

ya know, in situations like this i wonder if 'paranoia' is really the correct term?  if there is truly a danger lurking, or a real possibility of such, i don't think you're paranoid, but being practical about looking out for yourself.  your intuition, or your gut feeling, i believe in them.  if they're sending you messages of possible danger, who's to say that's not true?  when i feel ill at ease in a situation, i believe there's a reason for it.   our antennae have been honed to detect danger for years.  i think we've often heard the phrase 'don't be so paranoid' during our lives when we feel that something is off, and too many times it turns out it was.  hang in there.  i think you're doing really well in a difficult situation, too.  hopefully, it shall pass sooner rather than later.

[Contessa]

You are absolutely right on that one, good point.

Whether we are paranoid or not, paranoia will more often than not, be the concusion that those around us will come to. So instead of just airing the problem and getting on with life, we have to play the silly game, and stay ahead of it, if we're going to have a chance of surviving.

The worst is the adjustment from having casual fun interactions with friends to 'playing' casual fun interactions. They are game players and pawns now without knowing it. And I don't like treating my friends that way.

[Contessa]

Oh dear. Just got side swiped.

Another step backwards. Just not sure how big it is. Sigh.

[radical]

Hang in there.  You are not alone with this.

[Contessa]

Thanks radical. Don't think I can win this. And i'm saying that objectively.