Surviving Character Assassination

[Contessa]

Thanks. I think i've lost.

These two guys have teamed up, and... I think that's it. Done.

[Contessa]

Update...
Wow. I've been assassinated.

Lesson: doesn't matter what you do, how good you are, or how long a history you have with friends, a sociopath can and will destroy it all.

[Three Roses]

 

[radical]

I'm so sorry Contessa.

What you say is true, and it is so unfair, there just aren't words.
There was nothing you could have said or done better.   The feelings of betrayal are huge.  I'm trying everyday to let it go.  If I don't it will continue to eat me alive.

All I can say is that you are not alone, we are here listening. 
Be as kind to yourself as you are able to be

[Contessa]

Thank you so much for being here for me xo
You have made all the difference

[sanmagic7]

unfortunately, you're absolutely correct.  we can't win against those kind of people.  they have a shrewdness and cunning that we just don't possess.  snakes in the grass.

so very sorry, contessa, that it came to this.  absolutely sucks.  hang tough, my dear.  you are a prize of your own, and no matter what they do to the rest of you, hang on to that just for yourself.  you don't have to share it with anyone - they've proven that they can't appreciate it anyway.

[Contessa]

Thank you Sanmagic. You and Radical, sorry you have been through this too. What is the point really?

I didn't want to reply right away, wanted things to settle. Its got to the point where I have decided to speak to several superiors about this so they are aware, keeping this quiet has not worked. In fact my opponents have grown. My superiors are disgusted. And because it is covert (cleverly covert), there is absolutely nothing that can be done HR-wise.

And there is no point to any of this at all. Despite not being completely downtrodden, it has affected my work output. My superiors are on my side at least, which is a huge help. It will remain to be seen how things will progress from here.

[sanmagic7]

my heart is with you in all this.  i hope it gets reconciled in your favor.  dang, how horrible for you.  glad you've got someone on your side there, and hope you get some justice and resolution.  with you!

[radical]

I so feel for you Contessa.

When I spoke out I tried to explain how vicious covert abuse is, how it is impossible to defend against.
Overt abuse is awful, but underhand, manipulative, deliberate nastiness is damaging in a whole different way. Everything is plausibily deniable.  It puts you in the position of risking further character assassination in saying anything which is such a powerless position.

Good on you for speaking up.  I don't regret doing so.  Being made to be silent was one form of abuse I was able to avoid, and in retrospect I was able to take back my own power and self respect, regardless of how others chose to respond.

I'm so glad you have support from your superiors. 

My advice, from painful experience, is say as little as possible to anyone concerned from now on.  Not even to those who are supportive, unless they ask for specific information related specifically to taking some kind of action in your defense, and even then, keep your responses brief and unemotional. Don't be provoked, and don't justify, argue defend or explain.  Don't say more, even in response to apparent sympathy.  Talk about what happened and process your feelings in confidence with outsiders.  Remember, even supporters are involved, they are not neutral.

Warmest wishes.  You are so brave.  It will get easier.

[Contessa]

Yes, wise words Radical, and I agree with absolutely everything you said.

I suppose my tactic was to speak to these few people before other news reached them first, conveying clearly that there was no supportive evidence. Others were already unusually asking after my welfare as opposed to discussing work output. I wanted to nip that before it could begin with my direct managers, and give them the heads up not to waste time with whatever gossip came their way.

My advice, from painful experience, is say as little as possible to anyone concerned from now on... Remember, even supporters are involved, they are not neutral.

Yes yes yes. I'm still questioning myself for having done what I did. However, over the last week I have calmed a great deal. I can talk about important work issues without worrying about what people have heard. I am now on task. If these guys hear anything from anyone else, they are better prepared to ignore it and perhaps nip it themselves. Good defense, not offense.

And with that Radical, I have been able to do exactly as you have advised me, so far, with confidence. I have stumbled a lot these last few months, but I am so glad you have passed on that advice. I feel like things may, hopefully, be getting back on track. Hopefully...

Time to move forward...

[Contessa]

And thank you Sanmagic. Thank you for the continual support. Its time to get out of this hole and get back to work

[Contessa]

Revelation, just spoke to someone who has apparently been dealing with this from his end... apparently there are no stories going around about me, but those that have changed their behaviour toward me are scared of me. Thoughts Radical? Sanmagic7?

[radical]

I don't know what to make of it.  Is he suggesting this is all in your head?

My advice remains the same.  Don't talk to anyone with any involvement, however remote.  Which is really hard, I know.
Maybe you will be able to make some sense of things when it is all ancient history.  Trying now will just mess with your head, possibly make things worse.

If it was all a storm in a teacup there will have been no harm done.  Right now, you are doing great. Can you just deal with what's in front of you for now?

[Contessa]

I believe so yes... which in essence confirms exactly what I have been suspecting from the beginning. It makes no sense though; how can people who I have only ever had positive one on one interactions with, all of a sudden be scared of me, and stop talking to me, if there were no rumors going around? All of my friends outside of this scenario are dumbfounded.

Yep, I heed your advice. Now that the above has been confirmed. I have again been approached officially and will be having further discussion... every single time I try and lay this to rest it comes back to bite me.

Trying to! Getting better at it but things to do with this just keep getting in the way. Tomorrow... Sigh. This is insane.

[radical]

Influence can be exerted in a whole lot of ways, overt and covert.  Group dynamics are extremely amenable to manipulation.  Also, this kind of situation is guaranteed to create paranoia in addition to healthy knowing.  Setting you up for it is nasty in itself.  One of the problems is you can't know the difference with the degree of amaygdala hijack this sort of threat evokes.   Also, I don't believe you can trust even supporters to be completely open.  They have their own issues and there are usually pre-existing systemic problems.  Which is a part of the game.   Lunging at ghosts, or sounding paranoid by talking about it plays into this kind of narc puppeteer's hands.  One of the things that makes this kind of abuse so vile is that as long as he keeps cool, he literally can't lose.

Go with your gut about having been targeted, assume the best about how people have behaved in response.  Forget about trying to figure it out.  There may be an escalation if you don't respond further, or he may see what he can get away with and keep up a low level of continuing harrassment.  This isn't someone who can ever be trusted.

I believe you have been targeted.  You may never be able to have any closure on exactly what happened.  Stay staunch.
You have been amazing through this!