Surviving Character Assassination

[Contessa]

Hello all,

Long story short, assassination of my character is in full swing at my workplace. Crazymaking by ex - my asking how he was doing started with him abusing me, a huge argument, and ended with a psychologist calling me to make an appointment to assess my mental health 

The behaviour of several people has changed toward me. It is avoidant and cautious.

So. I refuse to run away. This is my workplace, my career, my reputation. These are my colleagues, and friends being turned against me. I do not and will not accept this.

I do have a plan to work through this in non confrontational way, and my therapist is on my side with the plan. They have noted that this guy is a possible sociopath.

Right now my reputation is going down hill, and I expect it to continue until people have seen enough of me, and continue to see me, to question what they have heard.

Has anybody else had experience in this area? Any words of wisdom for working through this and coming out the victor?

[radical]

Yes.
Not from an ex.  I'd tread very warily.   It might pay to look up bully-online to check out the tactics that may be being used now or in the future, also for advice for how to deal with it.  It's great that your are onto this at an early stage and commiserate with the pain of former friends backing away.  I admire your fortitude.  Take care XX

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi Contessa, 

I can't say I have any good ideas. Character assassination is something I have experienced in my FOO, but I have never been able to successfully thwart it. That's why I'm here, I suppose.

So. I refuse to run away. This is my workplace, my career, my reputation. These are my colleagues, and friends being turned against me. I do not and will not accept this.

I do have a plan to work through this in non confrontational way, and my therapist is on my side with the plan. They have noted that this guy is a possible sociopath.

This all sounds excellent. The support from your T is great, and probably it's a good idea to keep her well in the loop. And to discuss with her when and where the plan needs to be adjusted. Because it will have to be adjusted, as new developments arise. These changes might be subtle, or large, and at times new developments will tell you both: "Right! We stick to our plan. This is what we expected."

I recently saw a VLOG titled "Give the narcissist sociopath enough rope and he'll hang himself". The content of the video is irrelevant to your case, but I think the title is. And I know this from personal experience, though only in hindsight.
It's all the 'tells' that my DramaMama has given me because I was avoidant and 'meek' at the time and let her ramble on, that in the end provided me with all the clues I needed to tell she's a HPD.
Probably the sociopath at work will do the same for your colleagues to notice. If they will notice his 'tells' or not... not much you can do to influence that.

This Vlog might actually have some bearing on what you will be going through the next period:
When Dealing with a Narcissist Sociopath, Patience Is More Than Virtue. It's Strategy.
edited to add the subtitle of the vid is:
"The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting."
― Sun Tzu, The Art of War
Which fits with your "non-confrontational" plan, I think. 15:55 (16:20) to 19:40 may fit into the strategy you've drawn up, and may be predictive of what will happen. 

Wishing you well, and please do post any updates if you feel it will aid you in this smear campaign he's pulling on you.

[Contessa]

Thank you so much guys! All of this started because I stood up for myself. That's it. If there is an issue I address it. I'm not used to keeping quiet.

I have a superior colleague keeping an eye/ear out for things that may be happening, though there will be little chance of hearing anything much. His direct manager has gone from being nice to me one day, to not the next. So I've asked my colleague to keep an ear out for anything that might be communicated from her. I obviously cannot approach his manager, as this will confirm my 'crazyness' with her.

My superior colleague has noted his aggressively defensive nature in meetings, so she can see that my concerns have a legitimate basis. I also have a friend who's aiding me to keep socially present with my friends and colleagues. I ask her not only to keep me in the loop, but arrange certain social gatherings with particular people present. This to me is the most important part, I have to stay involved with as many people as possible so they can get to know me from me (not him) and have a reasonable chance to question what they are hearing when my behaviour does not match what he has described to them. I have already failed with that argument that we had, it just gave him more fuel against me.

This is not easy, being emotionally and socially abused by him in private, then in the next day or so hear from one of my close friends that "he has asked after me and just wants me to get better, and wishes things weren't awkward between us". I'm not sick, I'm being abused.

Will update you all, and especially thank you for those links Dutch Uncle. It is indeed a subtle game. I'm just recovering from a huge episode (caused by him), and so my change in behaviour - being more socially involved and temperamentally positive - is an anomaly right now. Unfortunately, it is my natural, non-PTSD temperament. Unfortunate because nobody in this work place has ever seen this. My T and I both agree that this new behaviour of mine must stay consistent. Though given that this is my natural behaviour, its not too hard too keep up with.

Its odd. I feel like the only way I can survive this is to 'not be traumatised' if that makes sense. I have to stay level, I have to take the higher road, I have to stay present, I have to stay immersed in social culture. If I withdraw, he wins. If i'm triggered, he wins. Oddly, this negative event is helping me to find myself again...

[Dutch Uncle]

All of this started because I stood up for myself.
[...]
Oddly, this negative event is helping me to find myself again...

I can relate.
It's hard to get this backlash for doing so, but I firmly belief it's the one step forward that will reap so much rewards in the (distant) future, that no matter how this will turn out, it will have been worth it.

Of course the rewards will pour in sooner than you expect.  :fingers crossed:

[Contessa]

Radical, yes thank you too. Have been researching quite a bit.

Another strange thing, this type of bullying was something I was passionate about in my classroom. If I caught a hint of this happening with any of my students, all lessons would stop, and would not start again until those kids knew to not only stop the bullying, but do whatever they could to redeem themselves to the victim. At the end of the year I was complimented by staff and parents for how emotionally and socially well adjusted and stable my kids were. And now I'm the victim of the very thing I despise... Its a weird place to be I tell you.

[radical]

I feel for you. 
My sister was disabled and endured such cruel bullying in school.  Like you I have always despised bullying.  Good for you making the classroom a safe place for everyone.  It would have made a difference to so many children, and I really wish more teachers understood, intervened and educated their students.

For me, it instilled a lifelong fear of being ostracised, and afraid of incurring the wrath of a group.  My bullying experience was intense because we were building a community, and I was being set-up to be mobbed by the entire group by a malignant narc who had taken control.  Being rejected triggered more than I could cope with.  I knew I had to walk into it and keep establishing an alternative view of who I was, but I became too depressed and withdrew.  I couldn't bear my closest friend refusing to even say hello, people believing the lies, seeing people I cared about back off, not even want to sit near me, or be seen to be associating with me.  My worst fear was coming true before my eyes and I couldn't respond, I was paralysed by it.

You are doing all the right things and I really admire your strength and clarity.

[Contessa]

Dutch Uncle,

Just watched the Vlog. The salient point that I have now learnt the hard way, is to not just go no contact with the narc, but refuse to defend yourself against the accusations, from them or anyone else. I understand completely what Annabel Lee means by that.

Thank you again radical. Very sorry to hear about what you have experienced. Absolutely disgusting. About to have my first day teaching in a few months tomorrow. Looking forward to it.

In the latest news, a friend connected to this guy is not even trying to pretend to be polite to me anymore. Its strange playing dumb to something that is so obvious, I dare not ask if something is the matter. Oh well, onward and hopefully upward.

[Contessa]

Update:

Its been about two weeks now and things are settling. The initial phase of "people not talking to me" has settled into its routine. I have persistently kept up the pretense that I know nothing, and have continued to behave toward those that changed their behaviour to me, the same as usual.

The guy who wasn't pretending to be nice to me, is now being somewhat diplomatic. At times I can feel a hint of warmness.
Another guy who had the awkward smile and giggle when I said hello to him, is now getting more comfortable with my greetings, and has started to look, smile and wave to me as I approach him.
Neither of them make an effort to make contact with me, and I have still not been included in anything social around here by them, but that's okay. Its  a small step forward.

Opportunistically, I have spent a few hours chatting with the girl whom the douche was working on while seeing me, and there appear to have been some very loaded topics of conversation on both our parts which touch on the unspoken with this guy / our values in general. The values I expressed, and the behaviour I have presented around other people in her presence, in no way align to what has been projected onto me by the douche. I have even offered her a professional heads up. She is very young and therefore naive in some respects, which explains why she has been sucked in by him. It seems though, that she is keen to see for herself what I am like and make up her own mind, and I know she is very capable of that. Again, small steps, but its a step forward.

The douche seems to now be spending minimal time here at the office - although I have had other things happening too so cannot be entirely sure of his movements. More importantly, I do not care. Tomorrow night, though, a very good friend of mine has invited us both to a social gathering, the friend I introduced each other too, and the douche is apparently going to be in attendance. I'm hoping he has actually done his usual thing of telling friends he is free and willing to hang out without any intention of showing up. It will remain to be seen. Whatever happens, I'm going to be hanging out with my buddy tomorrow night and will enjoy the catch up.

I will triumph.

[Dutch Uncle]

  and 

[radical]

Massive Kudos, Contessa.
And thanks for making me smile

[Contessa]

Thank you Dutch Uncle and Radical. I do feel so much more at ease and in control of myself now. If he does show up tomorrow I am looking forward owning the room and making more friends. He can just deal with it, or not, as the case may be.

[Contessa]

So the party happened, the douche did show up, and last night I did own the room like I planned.

Our mutual friends - the ones he used to bag out to me in private months ago, and for one social gathering I organised a few months ago he wanted cancelled because he didn't want to spend his time associating with those space cadets/retards/psychologically screwed up people - stepped out for a little bit before he arrived. He saw me, we both did not acknowledge each other's existence, and he immediately asked after those friends, inquiring as to whether they were there, or were coming. He seemed very anxious to hang out with them, and when they did eventually come back, he did. All night. And treated them like his best buddies.

He spoke to my buddy, kept his back to me the entire time, and eventually pulled him away to another table, away from me and my buddy's wife, where there was obviously plenty of room to sit. So when my buddy's wife got a drink, I did not engage in conversation with these two. When she came back, I took the opportunity to fill her in on plenty of details about the douche (including what he said about on of their friends the last time we all hung out), and she decided then and there that after last night, she and her husband were no longer going to be friends with the douche. She also told me she thought he was a *** the last time they met anyway.

So after I pulled my buddy back into a conversation with me and his wife, and I worked the room and made friends with all of his other buddies, the douche had no option but to hang out with the former 'retards', now best friends of his. He also had the option to talk to my buddy's buddy's girlfriends, but remembering his attitude toward me as a woman, the idea of getting into conversation with them might have been a repulsive option.

I also interacted with other patrons of the bar we were at, as well as bar staff in an overtly friendly manner, which is something i don't normally do. I was determined to be friends with everybody in the room, haha.

We had a little power play against each other later in the night, just a little one. Might explain later, but its not necessary at the moment. Plus I can't be bothered - this whole recounting minute details of every story is very tiresome to me, and it makes me feel just as big an insecure narcissist/mean person/gossip like he is. So I won't get into it. I said to the former 'space cadet' that I was having a great time and loving life in general with his inquiry, which was immediately followed by the douche telling my buddy that he was going well but went through a some kind of awful rough patch a few weeks ago which was unsettling and distressing (meaning our particular argument and everything that happened around it).

As I was leaving with another bunch of people, he left with his new 'best friends'. He only talked to one of my buddy's friends all night. I also had my buddy with me most of the night too, so their time together was somewhat minimal. I do not feel triumphant here, I feel just as big a manipulator by recounting this story back, but that was not really the case. He came nowhere near me all night, whereas I moved in and out of the room with various groups of people throughout the night, including his little group at times. I would even interrupt his conversation from across the room by pulling faces with the guy he was talking to. I was just there to catch up with my friend, our mutual friends, and meet his friends, which is what I did.

But there it is. I have no idea if/what would happen with the my friend's wife and her husband/my buddy, but I will be interested to know if anything comes of it.

I'll admit, this was tiresome to write. It felt like a child telling stories about a kid in class because they just don't like them, and will find any excuse to rub their name in the dirt. And I'm not okay with that. I just want to get on with my life without this stupidity and abuse. I feel like I am the abuser now. But I thought i'd follow up with how this thing went if it is of any interest / use for anyone else here.

Take care all, and hopefully this is near the end of the ridiculous drama.

[sanmagic7]

for your sake, i hope so as well.  i, for one, am glad that you rose above your 'character assassination', survived it, and ended up thriving, rekindling friendships along the way.  as far as relating this story, maybe it needed to come out in order to be laid to rest.  it's done now, you've made it, and forward ho! 

[Contessa]

Okay, so I am not out of the woods yet. Didn't think I would be.

Turns out the 'space cadet' is hosting a massive barbeque tomorrow, and absolutely everyone has been invited. Everyone but me.
My friend has asked whether I can come along, and he has told her to invite me herself, he's too busy to do it, etc. Given that he has taken the time to return several messages to her, and not spend less effort actually inviting me himself, this tells me i'm still well ant truly in the red.

Sigh. This is very frustrating.

This guy has always been nice to me. Do you think it is worth touching base with him to ask if everything is okay?