Hopeless and useless

[saturnrings]

Hey everyone. I'm pretty new to this place, and found out about it when i wanted to look for a support group to those who struggle with C-PTSD (I can't afford professional help anymore). A bit about myself: I'm a 19-year-old student, and I major in teaching English as a second language in the Netherlands. I'm currently in my third year, with a good internship (started a few weeks ago) and a nice mentor at my University. BTW: there is a trigger of abuse in here.

The issue is that I struggle immensely with my insecurities, which bothers be to no end. My former internship was absolutely horrible, because the intern coach I had turned out to be abusive (not ideal when I am already dealing with C-PTSD). A year after, I finally have an intern coach who is very sweet to me, although I do teach a special education school which is pretty tough. It's a big challenge. And I begin to feel like I can't do it. Not because I've been told I can't, but because I'm literally terrified of doing anything wrong. It just feels the same as when I wanted to prevent upsetting my family, who would otherwise be incredibly angry and abuse me verbally and/or physically.

I haven't messed up at my internship. Yet. I feel like I could at any minute, and it could damage either me or the classes I teach. I feel like I could mess up tomorrow, or the day after, or even this entire year. I can't sleep well, I dissociate more than I would like to, I feel empty, and just so sad and insecure. I keep feeling shame and guilt over things that could potentially go wrong.

I don't know what to do. I feel like a bother and useless, I keep overthinking to no end, I think about death constantly, because I feel like it's always just gonna be like this since it's my own issue, so why bother going on?  I can't have a break. I can't just leave my internship either, it's perfect besides my own fears of things that aren't even there, which I keep forgetting. I feel so alone. What do I do??? How should I feel???

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi saturnrings  and welcome. 

Teaching to special education children IS pretty tough. I presume these are children with (mental) disabilities? Not the special education for the 'young rocket scientists'. Although I assume teaching the latter category can be hard too.

Is this internship facilitated by a Dutch University? If so, you probably will be able to get free counseling (of sorts) from a "studentenpsycholoog".
I don't want to dismiss or belittle your experiences, but for a part what you are experiencing it may be pretty regular student-stress. I don't know how good your Dutch is, but "Ongeveer de helft van de studenten kampt met psychische klachten. Studiedruk, prestatiedruk, financiële druk, combinatie studie en werk, cv-building." (about half the student population has problems). So that part of your stress could possibly be addressed through the University itself.
Feel free to share your internship problems here as well.

For the remainder of cPTSD related issues I hope this site and community may be of help to you in your recovery.

Welcome again,

Dutch Uncle

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome to our community, Saturnrings!

"I feel empty, and just so sad and insecure. I keep feeling shame and guilt over things that could potentially go wrong."

The first part of that sounds like an emotional flashback (EF) and the second like catastrophizing. Working with your inner critic (IC) will help you with both of these. Do you know about Pete Walker? He has a website that is an excellent source of info. Pete-walker.com

There is also an audio version of the book "The Body Keeps The Score" on YouTube that would be very helpful to you in understanding the physiological changes and challenges we face if we have cptsd. This, I think, would give you some validation and support, and possibly that much needed break you say you can't have.

We're glad you've added your voice here. Thanks for joining! 

[sanmagic7]

hi, saturnrings, glad you're here.  i've worked with a troubled adolescent girls population in the past, and working with any type of 'special' population can and will be difficult and stressful at times.  i've also messed up a few times.  i think it comes with the territory, mainly because we're human, and we're working with other humans, a very unpredictable combination.

you may get sick, you may be tired, you may have an 'off' day.  these things happen.  because of them, you may show irritation, you may snap at someone, or you may say the wrong word.  from what it sounds like, you are genuinely invested in the population you work with, and you work from your heart.  that combination will keep mistakes to a bare minimum and easily rectified.

anyone who is as concerned as you about messing up is the absolutely right person for the job.  your heart is good, and you can trust that.   maybe because this internship is perfect is the reason why you are feeling so adrift - you're not used to such a positive environment, and can't quite trust that it won't eventually turn on you and become abusive after all.

i hope that, as you continue in this internship, it will prove to you that you are not in your family environment, nor in your past abusive internship, in which case you will be able to trust it little by little.  sometimes people who can't take a physical break from what's going on, can find a few minutes to take an imaginary break, like a little vacation in your mind.  think of somewhere you'd love to be, somewhere that invokes calm and soothing feelings, even for a few minutes.  then, just let yourself be there for as long as possible.  it may help with the feeling of being stuck, with no way out.

just some thoughts.  i wish you only the best in this challenging endeavor.