Not to be 'seen', or 'to be heard'

[Dutch Uncle]

I guess this is rather psychological abuse than emotional, but this board fits the bill regardless.

Inspired by the pavlov-dogs.

***trigger warning: this is about NOT being seen or heard and gaslighting***

I'm not sure if any of you are familiar with these terms. I'm only familiar with them via TherapistMom and Dad. Yet, to be frank, I haven't got a clue what these terms actually mean. My experience has been they do not mean what they appear to mean, imho.
This is a story of gaslighting.

My parents picked up these terms in therapy. The New Age kind of therapy. The unprofessional kind of therapy. My mom's kind of therapy.
My dad has used these terms exclusively in the context of apologizing to me (probably others as well), saying "I did not see you there and then" and "I did not hear you there and then". Well, that obviously does not give a clue as to what "seeing and hearing somebody" would actually be.
My mom uses these terms almost exclusively in te context of "I see you and hear you", after which (without fail) a boundary violation occurs. During the end of my relationship with her, when the FOG had started to lift, I started to notice that when she brought up subject A, and I said: "No I don't want to talk about it" I would get the "I hear you and see you" speech (and she has a whole array of psycho-babble that follows it) that could go on for minutes (in my experience) and when she was done with her mantra's and spells, after taking hardly a breath, would say: "but what I wanted to say about subject A..."
I even got to a point I laughed out loud in her face on one such occasion. (well, it was on the phone, but still...)

So I have been conditioned (there are pavlov's dogs) to tremble and fear whenever somebody expresses sentiments that indicate they 'see me' or 'hear me'. Thankfully only my parents use these words, but now that I am in more contact with my dad I realized he uses these terms, and I do not even long for him to see me or hear me.
Sure, I want to get validated, appreciated, understood, taken into account and all that (which would equate to being seen and heard I presume) but I get itchy even when he says he "feels so seen" by me. I know I should take it as a compliment (and I do), but I can't but feel resentment at the term. Which sort of interferes with the appreciation he expresses to me, it's like a filter that diminishes the brightness of the bond we could have, and possibly even already do have.

I guess at some point I will have to ask him to ditch those terms. I think for the rest of my life I will have an allergy to "being seen" and "being heard". The words that is. 

See Me, Feel Me - Listening to You by the Who

[Wife#2]

Dutch Uncle - I know this pain pretty well also.

Pardon my crassness, but screw if you see me or hear me if I'm not sure you love me and believe in me. And your parents used (at least your mother with that boundary violation) the one word that will send my husband's head spinning - 'But'.

But is a way to discredit all that was said before the word. I've caught myself using it and it is horrible. You nailed it - but is a go-to for the person looking to violate or invalidate. When I catch myself using it, it usually is a way to discredit the argument presented by someone else and get my own point across - as the RIGHT one. It's a nasty trait I'm working to end.

First cousin to 'but' is 'I just wanted to say'. That's my husband's variation with the same result. It is an invalidation of the other person. The person who utters THAT gem is looking to be right AND have the last word.

Oh, and I consider laughing at your mother's juvenile attempt at hijacking the conversation, even if it was over the phone, as a completely brave and logical response. Next time this happens, if it is ever allowed to happen again, follow up that laugh with hanging up in her ear. When she calls back, as is likely, speak plainly that you respect yourself too much to have your own mother hijack your conversation with her psychobabble and if she persists, you will hang up again until she gets the point. Of course - you've already gone no-contact which is WONDERFUL for your sake.

Maybe with your Dad you could explain that you are glad he does now hear you and see you. Now, could we move towards listening to what I'm saying and believing I have a right to say it? That kind of speaks to the 'new-ager' in his own language. If he acts like he doesn't understand it, maybe say, 'Thanks for calling/answering Dad. I choose not to have my conversations hijacked for anyone else's agenda. I'm hanging up now. I will call back when I am calmer and can trust you to listen.'

[Dutch Uncle]

Maybe with your Dad you could explain that you are glad he does now hear you and see you. Now, could we move towards listening to what I'm saying and believing I have a right to say it? That kind of speaks to the 'new-ager' in his own language.

That's brilliant, and thanks for all you have said. I have a gut feeling my dad hates this talk as much as I do, so it might well be the perfect thing to say.

Regarding the "but"-s. I hate them too. Here on the forum I try to be very careful not to use it.

Your shared experiences re: "but", brings back memories of when the Fog started lifting with regard to my sister (I had no idea then that the FOG was lifting, but in retrospect I see that was the case) when I told her for the first time I wouldn't be visiting at her home and she was not welcome at my home either. (LC, so to speak. We could meet (and did after that), just my private space was off-limits to her, and her's to mine (from my point of view)). I can't remember the specifics of what I was saying in that same conversation, but I said something and made a full stop. Simply because that was all I had to say. She then replied with "But...?", as she expected one. To which I replied: "Eh? No "but". That's it." To the amazement of myself in a way. Which was partly the amazement of her expecting a "but" (I had been very clear I thought.) and amazement of me not falling for further explanation. It was one of the first instances I realized: "Why is it never enough with her? What the * could there be to "but" about? This is it. I've got nothing else to say, since I'm not thinking of something else."
It's probably the first time I didn't JADE when triggered to do so.

It's been five years since. Boy, is it tough to get it out of ones system.

[Wife#2]

I understand! One good thing, I think, is that you can gauge how well your Dad really IS listening by his willingness to find other ways to say the same thing. Consider, though, that he's stuck in a marriage and house with his wife - who values such useless phrases. He may be in a habit that will be hard for him to break. You have the freedom to disallow phrases you dislike in your world. He may not share your freedom. Perhaps a little leeway for him may be granted, especially if your intuition is telling you that he doesn't mean them the way your mother or sister would mean them.

I love your story about having to point out - Nope, I'm done, no 'but's needed. Just wonderful!