What Qualities in me is which Inner Critic sabotaging... ?

[Dutch Uncle]

... and possibly: who is this Critic? Which authority figure?

I have had periods in my life where things were going well. I remember a specific period, about 4 years ago, I was putting self-care first, above my studies. Somehow I felt doing that would benefit my ability to study later on.
This was in the end sabotaged by TherapistDramaMama, but lets forget about that.

So I wrote down some parts of me that had been really helpful then, and connected them to Inner Critics.

Perhaps this could be a useful tool for others as well.

Inner Strength				Inner Critic
- Eating and Cooking well. Food I like, yet taking into account nutrition as well. But primary: what would I like to eat today, not have to or mustn't.				- "you are not eating well enough, you'll die on this diet." Origin: Mom. "Are you eating well enough?" "Think of the poor starving kids in Africa!" "You're loosing weight." "You're gaining weight."  "I don't like what you cooked" (I did cook for my parents for a while) Other IC-"leading questions": Is it not too fat? Is it not too sugary? Is it from an organic farm? Is the meat OK? Is it not processed? Is it enough veggies?
- House Cleaner. Not everything has to be clean at all times, the same time, but as long as I clean most things once a week, it's fine.				- "That way there will always be dirty stuff somewhere!" An imprint of somebody else's Inner Child, namely my mom's who had a (s)mother who would pass with her finger on every surface out of sight to see if it was clean at my mom's appartment.
- Loving music, playing it regularly and finding more I like				- "This music isn't good enough." My father hated us children playing music. He hardly ever played music himself. I was forced to study music (the flute) and hated it. Later, in puberty, I had friends who where into music, but it had to be really complex/difficult. It took time to learn to appreciate it (for which I'm still thankful) but I have always been insecure. Until I went with one of these friends to the North Sea Jazz Festival, and we saw an unknown band that played out-of-sinc. Naturally I though this was part of the intricate-complex music (so I had to appreciate it, my IC said), when this friend burst out in laughter and said: "these guys are stoned, LOL! They miss every beat. This is ridiculous, LOL. I can't listen to this any longer." With a sigh of relief I left. Since then I'm less 'uptight'.

I will add some more, but I wasted too much time on getting this table stuff working, LOL.

[movementforthebetter]

Hi Dutch Uncle,

Thanks for this! It's a good idea. My T has asked more than once whose voice my inner critic has and I am never sure. I think it's my M but when you lay ir out like that it can clearly be multiple people. It'll be a worthwhile excercise to write it out like that. I remember something similar from reading Feeling Good or Toxic Parents  but it focused on challenging these critical beliefs rather than identifying the source. I think if I know the sources and when the critical voices were internalized it might be easier to challenge them.

[Wife#2]

Thank you, Dutch Uncle. This is a very good thread. I don't know if I want to know how hard that table was to set up, but the result is wonderful.

I about choked up reading your music strength vs IC. This got to me. I think I'll have to write in my journal about it - that much bubbled up.

Again, we can't clean out the dust and cobwebs if we don't shine some lights in there. Great job shining a big, bright light. It was for yourself, but I found the light helped me see my way just a little better, also.  Thank you.

[arashi]

So I wrote down some parts of me that had been really helpful then, and connected them to Inner Critics.

still trying to sort all this out, so are you saying that the inner critic is/ was the driving force for those parts that were helpful?  this is confusing me.

I've been trying to be aware, I wrote some down yesterday the inner critic, but it never seems helpful, as in a driving force to get anything done, it seems to imobilize me.

thanks for sharing. I always wanted to play a musical instrument. both parents are quite musical, somehow I think it skipped me. last year I bought a set of drums and I've been learning to play. It's therapeutic to beat on the drums at least. don't know that I will ever play outside these 4 walls, but I'm ok with that.

[Dutch Uncle]

So I wrote down some parts of me that had been really helpful then, and connected them to Inner Critics.

still trying to sort all this out, so are you saying that the inner critic is/ was the driving force for those parts that were helpful?  this is confusing me.

No. Sorry to have caused confusion, yet I see your point.

I've had a good period a few years back, and have since 'relapsed' (for lack of a better word). I'm trying to identify the Inner Critics that 'caused' the relapse and/or played a role in the perpetuation of the relapse.
During the "good period" I was not listening to (or following) the Inner Critic (through conscious effort), and had connected with parts in me that managed to make the Inner Critic shut up. I must say, when all that happened (about four years ago, one year after initially the FOG start lifting for me) I had no knowledge of the concepts of Inner Critic, Boundaries, Inner Child, Narcissism etc.
So the terminology I use now are terms in hindsight. Yet I now see how much they apply.

In short the answer to your question "are you saying that the inner critic is/ was the driving force for those parts that were helpful?  " is:
No, on the contrary. Somehow I had the ability, strength and perseverance to counter the Inner Critic. And I was aware of these 'negative thoughts', as I describe above, and deliberately put an effort into focussing on the "Inner Strengths" arguments I posted.

In a sense I was rebelling against my Inner Critic, being an obnoxious adolescent. In a very healthy way, when dealing with toxic parents/Inner Critics.

I hope that clears it up a bit, but rereading it I'm not sure. 

[arashi]

Oh, ok. I understand now. Thanks. (: