sick of being sick

[sanmagic7]

i've gone to a down place in the past few days.  lots of sadness, lots of anger.  i have been rendered fundamentally ill by this crap and it's keeping me from doing what i want to do, causing me to fear doing what i've done in the past without hesitation.  i've been crying as well as pounding my bed, both emotions which, while good to get out of me, are stressful to the point that i begin to feel sick.

i'm better than i was 10 yrs. ago, and of that i'm glad.   i can usually do the weekly shopping now, which was extremely iffy in the past.  at one point i was diagnosed with bpd with major depression and would hallucinate from time to time, so all kinds of meds went along with that.  i've managed to get off those, use vitamin therapy instead, which has helped keep the depression at bay (altho i worked my butt off to get rid of it in the first place).  i was also on allergy meds for about 5 yrs. which helped keep my body's tendency to produce inflammation at the slightest sign of stress under better control (for several years, i was being treated for chronic throat infections, but it seems that the docs would look there, see all the inflammation, and put me on antibiotics.  half of them don't work on me anymore.   or, pain in various joints sent me running to the doc - more inflammation - with weird results.  once my kneecap suddenly became inflamed, seemed to be floating, i couldn't walk, went for x-rays, and within a half hour, everything was fine.  i didn't realize that i'd been taking nsaids for the past 40 yrs. to make me feel better when i began feeling 'sick', and it was because of their anti-inflammatory agents that they did the trick.   my system's inflammatory response has been out of whack for so many years, i don't know that it will ever be normal again.  during stressful times, i feel like i'm getting the flu, but there is nothing wrong with me, per se.  it's just excess inflammation in my sinuses, throat, throughout my body.  i call it feeling 'stress sick'.  i know exactly what it is, and i hate it.  i've been to docs most of my life asking about this, nothing.

i also believe my adrenal glands have been exhausted from living with 'fight or flight' responses all those years with my daughter and her mental illnesses, as well as her npd (and my ex-hub's as well - battling both of them at the same time).  those hormones have been used up, i become exhausted easily from things like concentrating or focusing (which makes even going to see my t extremely stressful, or driving to the store, or seeing the doc every month for my glaucoma meds).  when i have to leave the house to do some errand, i prepare myself by resting for a day or two beforehand, if possible.  i love playing goofy computer games, but have recently stopped those parts that require thinking too hard.  everything is stressful, even so-called fun things.

i'm nearly house-bound now because of this.  my hub, the dearest, sweetest man who has saved my life, has to have retinal surgery in 10 days.  because this takes place in another city, (we live in a very small mexican town.  no hospital or specialists here.  125 mi. by bus to get to med. facilities, so even that drive is stressful for me) we've decided, much as i want to be there with him going thru this, it's gonna be better for me to stay home.  he says he'll feel better knowing that i won't be in a strange city, away from my creature comforts (mostly my computer) and my routine and familiar surroundings.  i burst into tears cuz i know he's right (his sister is going to be able to drive him home when he gets released.  that's the other part, he doesn't know if they'll let him go the same day or keep him for a few.).  besides, my ibs acts up as well, and bathroom facilities are not always available.

i feel like such a f***ing mess, still!!!  the last two times i traveled to visit my dear friend, and my daughter - gone a total of 3 weeks each time, and several months apart - it didn't take more than 2 weeks when i developed bronchitis, both times.  my immune system is also on the fritz, and is turning on me  now with skin stuff (psoriasis, and other skin things that are beginning to mar my face).  this last is the cherry on this particular cake.  it is taking me down in no uncertain terms.  i've got topical stuff that i use, but i know it's not going away, and i know what's causing it, and i can't get out from under this.

i use emdr techniques on myself to hopefully promote healing, and i'll keep that up.  since this major ef in jan., things have gotten much worse for me.  my funerals have helped to a degree.  i do massage, especially pressure point, to help release toxins and stored emotions, and i can barely walk for several days after.  i know it's good for me but the stress my body goes thru knocks my legs out from under me.  and, with all the good i know it's doing for me, i feel miserable afterwards.  i can't do things like tai chi (my energy is in opposition to that - i've tried several variations, all no good), and meditation or yoga have never relaxed me.  i live a fairly uneventful life now, wonderful, loving, caring people in my life, nc with everyone who has hurt me.  but i am scared that i'll never see my daughter again because i'm becoming afraid to travel.  my hub has wanted her to come visit me for years already, because he knows the stress i go thru, but i also want to go to the states at least once a year, just for the atmosphere, the food, and to be with my daughter in her space. 

i'm just feeling overwhelmed right now, needed a place to put this.  i'm so sad, so mad.  i wake up from my nap and start bashing pillows, cussing away.  crying at the drop of a hat.  my sensitivity for myself and others is on high alert.  i was watching america's got talent last night, a little 12-yr. old girl won, she was overwhelmed with emotion to the point of being distressed, and no one from her family came on stage to help her, comfort her, soothe her.  i hated that.  everyone else kept up their patter (the show must go on) and she was on her own.  it broke my heart, and i'm crying for her.  i'm crying more than usual lately - my funerals were helping with that. 

i may have gotten triggered by the 9/11 anniversary.  i was here in mexico less than a month, saw what happened on a tv, was all alone, only thought of scooping my daughters in close to protect them, but had no way to get to them.  my car wouldn't make the trip, didn't have enough money, knew no one here who could help me with this and my feelings,  and didn't even know that i couldn't have gotten to them if i wanted to cuz the border was closed.  i had no one here, have never felt so alone in all my life.  another friggin' traumatic experience!

my energy level is low on the best of days.  small amounts of exercise are all i can take, or it's too stressful.  i walk around my house for 15 to 30 min. when i feel up to it, about 3-4  times a week.  i lift light weights once, maybe twice a week.  more than that, i'm stressed, and i feel sick.  i feel sick more than i feel well, and i'm f***ing sick of it!  just ranting.

[meursault]

Big hugs!

It really seems you do all sorts of things for maintenance AND healing.  Just wears you down after a while with all the non-stop effort, maybe?  I know it's that way with me.  I end up coming out f it eventually, and having the strength again to keep at it, I think you do too!  Need a vacation from the pressure somehow.  Would it help to make a day or two just by yourself to treat yourself, and actively suspend your worries?  I don't know...

Anyhow, maybe I'm just saying something dumb with that... 

But take care of yourself Sanmagic!  I care about you!!!

Meursault

PS  The kid on America's Got Talent sounds sad to me too.  Reminds me of a couple of weeks ago I watched a Dee Snider from Twisted Sister commrcial of him doing a ballad version of We're not Gonna Take It for Kids with Cancer...  I ended up bawling.

[Three Roses]

   Ohh, sweet Sanmagic, I wish there was something I could do! Hugs to you sweetie, I'm there with you (as a wise woman once told me ).

[sanmagic7]

meursault, i didn't read anything dumb, and, it actually brought tears to my eyes, so i know it hit a nerve.  maybe that's exactly right!  i'm feeling like, because of my age, i don't have a lot of time left to get rid of this sh*t.  and then my husband emotionally sucker-punched me last night, and i completely tensed up for the first time in months, and i just thought, 'here it goes again'.  just when i was feeling safe all around, that happened, and my defenses are up again.  and i hate that this happened again.  so thank you for caring - it means so much to me.  i'm feeling adrift right now, and you helped anchor me somewhat.  it did occur to me last night that maybe i've become overwhelmed with all the changes that have occurred, and i need to slow down.  at least for a bit.   i'm hoping to get back with my t soon, too.  the weather is beginning to cool down, but not quite cool enough yet.  i just have to hold on.  it's getting harder, tho.  i'm getting that feeling that i want to run . . .      i can picture dee snider singing that for kids, and i'm bawling right now, too.  that's so cool!

and 3roses, as ever, i'll take those hugs.   i know you're with me, as you have been from the beginning.  i can't express how much i appreciate that.  thank you.  i just hate feeling so vulnerable, so weak, so much at the whim of every little thing that comes along.   and i can't stop it.  i feel like alice when the red queen tells her that you have to run as fast as you can just to stay in the same place, and then faster than that if you want to get anywhere. 

[Sandstone]

 

I think you are right about all the work on self you have been doing recently.  Maybe its your body's way of telling you to slow down a little. You have had a lot of 'stuff' to process so im not surprised you're struggling at the moment.  This could also be a crisis healing where it gets worse before it gets better.
You have come such a long way and have overcome so much on your journey, be gentle with yourself.

I imagine it must be frustrating, worrying and stressful not being able to accompany your H to hospital too especially as you're used to being the carer.
I wish i had some advice for you other than hold tight and cry if u gotta. This too shall pass.
Integration and processing is a messy business.   

[Wife#2]

San - you are GREAT at visualization to control your environment, so take a cyber-journey with me...

Before we start, get that really warm, soft blanket - the one you love and almost felt guilty for buying it's such a luxury. Who knows or cares if it's the color or the softness that you love best - it's your favorite, hands down.

Follow me over to that favorite, most comfortable chair, the one by the (window, fireplace, beautiful picture), you know. Now, I'm not going to sit just yet, but you curl up if that's comfortable - relax with your feet on the ottoman if not. Let's get that blanket on you JUST right.

Now, your favorite, most soothing drink is being prepared just the way you like it. That ONE simple, comfort food that you can turn to no matter what else is going wrong, that is already on the table next to you - it's aroma filling the room.

The suns rays are illuminating dust moats. They're beautiful to watch the ebb and flow of the little unseen currents in the room.

Gently, quietly, music starts to play. It's classical and not what you would have picked on your own, but still, somehow soothing. Now that you're aware of it, the notes get easier to pick out. It's a piece that makes you think of the old cartoons - Mel Blanc DID love exposing children to classics in his Saturday Morning classics.

You can feel the smile spread over your face. It's not a huge thing, the smile of bittersweet memories and love. A Mona Lisa smile.

The sun's dust moat is moving. You realize that hours have gone by and you've finally had the peace to only feel positive emotions. You're still tired, but you do feel better. Slowly, you emerge from your blanket, put down the cup. Today is not about dishes or cleaning. It's about being and living. Just today. Tomorrow will take care of itself. Breathe.

*** I know this won't fix a doggone thing, but at least for an hour or two, you can relax enough to breathe, which can help dislodge the panic that was trying to rise. I hope, if nothing else, this interrupted the firing mechanism of the downward uglies.

HUGS to you, my friend. I may not be able to be there with you, but my heart can and is.  ***

[sanmagic7]

sandstone, your caring brought tears of gratitude to my eyes, a smile of peace to my face.  today i had to visit a wonderful man dying of cancer, and we had our moment together, and it was great.  i was also able to have a moment with his wife, who doesn't know me at all, but it was great as well.  i held his hand in mine, asked him where the birthday cake was cuz there were so many people there (i told my husband that it seemed the wake had already begun - it's a cultural thing), and he was able to smile just a little, but it was enough.  i won't be at the funeral - i'd rather pay my respects to a living soul than a dead body.  and, he was able to tell my husband that he was going to haunt him - they were able to share a laugh, too.   it put a lot into perspective for me, (plus i took half a xanax when i got home, and that's helping).  i was so wired up.  so, the next few days will be off days, just for gentle enjoyment for myself.  thank you.

and wife2, you're right.  the visualization was beautiful, so comfy and self-caring, and warm and wonderful.  thank you for taking that time - what a gift you gave me, friend to friend.  there are all kinds of gifts, aren't there.  this was a beaut, just what i needed when i needed it.  i'm feeling pretty mellow right now, and not just from the pill.  but the idea of putting all this stuff down for even a little while is a biggie, and i'm going to follow it.  thank you so much.

i had a setback last night - my husband works 12 hrs/day, 7 days a week.  it's hard to come by a peso here.  thank you, god, that i have my soc. security check coming in every month, but he's also in his 60's and has to scrabble every day to pay his part of the bills.  it's brutal.  the minimum wage here is 70 pesos/day, which equals about $4.35.  a day.  he has managed to bring home an average of about $20/day.  at any rate, he has so much on his mind all the time making sure that he's going to have enough money to not only pay bills but fix his car when stuff goes wrong.  he works on commission at 2 jobs - no holidays off, every day is just like another one.  and, he's either getting ready for work, or comes home exhausted.  all he wants to do is take off his brace (he got polio when he was 3), put aside his crutches, relax, watch a little tv, and fall asleep.  what we realized is that i've been attempting to push myself and my problems into his mind, trying to move all that other stuff out of the way, to share with him.  he's been adamant that he wants to know.

but, we realized that there really is no time, or room in his brain for what's going on with me.  i told him a few weeks ago that i'd begun bringing my issues to this forum instead of bothering him with them, and that upset him.  but, when i'd try to talk about them to him after work, he's either distracted by tv, or he simply falls asleep in the middle of my sentence.  hopefully, i'll be able to resume therapy soon, if it cools off, and continue to bring my issues here.  i also have a dear friend who suffers from c-ptsd, and we're able to be supports for each other, but that's often catch as catch can.  phone calls are restricted, and she's very busy, so isn't always prompt with emails.  which leads me back to this forum.  i can't express my gratitude enough for all you kind people.  i really do feel cared about and for by you.  thanks so much for all your response, wonderful words, wisdom, suggestions, and those hugs that embrace me.  it's the best.   the next few days are for me to just be.

[sweetsixty]

Sometimes it helps just to put down that heavy backpack and rest from it for a while!

[sanmagic7]

thanks, sweetsixty, it's exactly what i'm doing.  taking some time off, letting it flow around me.  you're right - it's dam' heavy and i pick it up too often, not even realizing it half the time.  but, i'll look at that another day  . . ..

[Wife#2]

On behalf of being in the moment and making that moment peaceful - what is the view outside your favorite window to open?

My peaceful place is a memory of a creek behind the house my parents had in the mountains. The back yard sloped downwards to it and Dad kept that part mowed. I used to play Laura Ingalls and wear my long skirt and boots and run down that slope, arms wide and hair cascading down my back. Then, it was a short trek through the wooded lot to the creek.

Once at the creek, off came the boots and I'd dabble my feet in the creek. It was small, I could jump across it. There were some big rocks along the bank, perfect for sitting as I was. Sometimes, if I was being really quiet, I could see deer in the woods beyond the creek. Usually, I was too involved in the book of poetry I'd brought to read.

Whole afternoons could pass with that silent solitude. Every time I think of those memories, I smile. I relax. I breathe. It even helped typing it out here - on what could have been a frantic Monday, I'm now calm and I can feel the calm throughout my body and mind.

Tell us of your favorite moments past or present! Those calm, beautiful moments that allow for recharge and recuperation.

[Fen Starshimmer]

Big hugs to you Sanmagic7 

I really felt your pain and frustration as I read your post. Been there with the hypervigilance and the adrenal fatigue, the isolation, the tired of it all... You're not alone. You WILL get through it, CAN get better. There have been some lovely suggestions on here. You say you are cut off out there in Mexico, but you do have a wonderful connection to the world with your computer.

I wondered whether you had thought of finding an online T? With Skype you can do so much these days, it removes the need to travel. You can have a T based anywhere.  You may think you can't afford one, but I have learned that if you put it "out there", ask the universe for a T who will be the best for you , set the intention, the universe will send you messages. You may be surprised. I was! 

A holistic T might be able to help with the inflammation. This is how I got mine down. A lot of it was due to stress in my body, and now that's much lower, things have dramatically improved.

Anyway, keep up with those precious moments of self-care, time out for you. You deserve it. 

[sanmagic7]

wow!  i actually did take some time off and in the process forgot all about this thread! 

wife#2 - your laura ingalls wilder scene is so beautiful!  i can just picture you by that little stream, so cute, so pioneer-sy looking.  my favorite remembrance of me being young was getting lost in books.  i was drawn to the magical even then.  alice in wonderland has been my all-time favorite forever, and then harry potter came along and i fell in love all over again.  but, i spent many hours of my youth going to the library, perusing, touching, choosing which books i wanted to take home.  many of them were magical - mary poppins, for instance.  i'd get so lost in them that my parents often called my name a number of times before i'd actually hear them.   i'm still into books, have books surrounding me in my house.  they are soothing to me.  so, thanks for encouraging me to go backward to a time of loveliness for me, that really was just for me. 

fen starshimmer - love that visual!.  thanks for the hugs, the encouragement, and the suggestions.  since i am technologically limited (by choice) i don't have skype, but i know of others who do therapy online, so i know it can work well for some. 

in general, since i last posted, i've taken time away from here, did some other things that ended up not suiting me, and eventually came to a place where i'm finally comfortable with who i am, strong in how i feel about me, and the turnaround came about when i wasn't looking.  it was like i accepted me (like allowing 'the force' to flow through me instead of attempting to force it to be in my power) and found a peace and naturalness that i've been missing for a very long time.

i believe that's been a biggie for me for years.  i wrote about it on this forum under the heading 'musings' when i first came back to the forum.  i'm feeling better physically, have more energy, am seeing more clearly.  part of this may have to do with the change in the weather - i can't take the heat here, so i'm basically in an a/c cave for 5 mos.  even going to the grocery store once a week takes it out of me because of the heat.  it's also why i've been without therapy since june - got heat exhaustion sitting there.  she's from here, is used to the heat, she couldn't believe that i cut my session short and ran out of there. 

anyway, i know now who i am, and i'm glad to be that.  a flower child who lives in a different time in her mind.  things that mean so much to others don't make that much of a difference to me, but i've been battling against 'updating', which is what many of my friends wanted me to do.  i'm content now where i am, and i suspect it will make a difference in how i feel.  well, it already has.

so, thank you so much to everyone for your care and concern.  so appreciated, i don't have enough words.  you all take care of yourselves as well.  i'm just glad i found myself - i've been missing her and i didn't even know it.

[Wife#2]

San,

I'm so glad that you like you now. Because, since meeting you here online, I've grown to like you as well!

[sanmagic7]

ditto, my friend.  big hug back atcha!

[Sandstone]

  so glad you found you. What a nice feeling for you