thread for people who are not recovering

[mourningdove]

Just in case anyone needs one. I need one.

[meursault]

Me too.  I'm having a terrible time right now.  I am just falling to pieces in terror about my upcoming court stuff, and just chaotic agony, panic, self-loathing and brokenness with need for affection and intimacy.

I wish someone would love me, and I think I could bear anything.  Just some woman smiling at me or caressing my arm, or interested in talking to me would fortify me for a while, at least.

Meursault

[Dee]

Right, I have been in therapy for a year and I crashed again.  At the beginning of August I was doing so well and then it all fell apart.  Some days I think there is no way for me ever to be happy.

[sanmagic7]

i'm standing right next to all of you.  i seemed to be doing so well, really making my way out, feeling positive about it all, and it just feels like it's crumbling again.  tense, miserable, feeling sick again.

[mourningdove]

Sorry so many are also struggling. I hear you.

[Three Roses]

Whether he means it to come across this way or not, I've been getting some strong signals from my husband to hurry up and get better. I'm sure he means to be encouraging. How can I expect him to understand since he says he can't relate to what I'm going thru, personally. So I've been in a funk for a few days. Or possibly longer, haha.

My back is out so I'm spending a lot of non-productive time which also makes me feel like 

I used to bake when I got this way but that only made me larger.

This community feels very real to me; I find myself wondering from time to time about a poster, wondering how they are now, or missing someone who hasn't been on/posting lately.

I feel like I don't say things very well, either speaking or writing. But each one of you is important, your happiness is important; I just want to say thank you to those who are here. Your insights and stories have been so important to me. And Hello to the lurkers!

[sanmagic7]

there are times when i think this would be easier on my own, other times when i'm grateful my hub is around.  but, the other night he emotionally sucker-punched me just when i've been thinking  that i can un-tense myself, begin relaxing my body (which has been in fight or flight mode for waaaaay too long), get off my 'always alert' wagon, then this happened.  about a half hour later, i looked down, my fists were clenched.  that hadn't happened in quite a while.

we got it straightened out the next day, but i'm feeling hyper alert again, and i hate it.  when there's another person involved on a day to day basis, it's unpredictable.  those are the times i wish i had a dog.

[Sandstone]

I love you all, thank you for being here xx

[Three Roses]

Dogs are the best! Animals in general, but dogs are my favorite.

[sweetsixty]

If only getting better was a linear path! Please don't feel your not getting better you will! Discovering what is wrong with you is half way to getting better! I once told my T what everyone here is saying and she asked me "would you have preferred not to know?".

I was 58 when I discovered I had CPTSD, I'd spent my whole life suffering this c**p and blaming myself.  Count how many years you took to get here and think how long it might take to 'fully' recover? Don't lose heart the journey is long and arduous and needs baby steps.

Hugs to everyone who is travelling this very mountainous territory 

[Sandstone]

Well said Sweetsixty  half the battle is definitely the diagnosis and i cant describe the feeling of knowing i wasnt 'broken ' after all.

[sanmagic7]

i do feel like i'm broken.  i don't believe i'll ever get 'well'.  long and arduous journey!  yeah, and i'll be 70 next year, i don't have all that much time left, which is why i keep pushing myself.  i've come a long way, even before i realized about the c-ptsd.  now it explains a lot, and i'm grateful for knowing.  but that doesn't heal my brain, doesn't heal the damage done to my system, and i'm not young enough to be able to turn those things around.  wow!  what a downer i'm on right now.  i know i need to get back to therapy, and hopefully it will only be another month.

in the meantime, i'm doing what i can with what i know.  i don't want to learn anymore right now - i know enough.  i stay away from many postings because of the emotions they will bring up - not triggers, per se, but empathetic emotions.  i'm hangin' on by my fingertips right now.   this has been the worst ride of my life.  i'm on hiatus for the moment, trying to give myself a break.  onward.

[Wife#2]

Mourning Dove - are you ok today? This is a good thread because it IS so needed sometimes. How are YOU doing?

We may not be able to fix a darn thing, but at least we can hear you and let you know you matter!

[mourningdove]

How are YOU doing?

I wouldn't know where to begin, but thank you very much for asking, Wife#2. 

[meursault]

Cheers, mourningdove.  Hope you find some relief!

Meursault