thread for people who are not recovering

[Three Roses]

I think it is! I'm worth the effort and so are you!

[Blueberry]

Well, I am actually recovering bit by bit. But it doesn't feel that way right now. I've come to an impasse as usual. The worst part is things could be better if I picked myself up and got on with a few activities, even 'simple' things like, um, showering and washing my hair.   For want of an embarrassed emoticon, I'll use   I guess there's probably a reason for the lack of embarrassed emoticom on here.
Unfortunately showering and washing my hair are hardly ever that simple. They take quite a lot out of me, energy-wise. So I guess  I could admit that to myself instead of dumping on myself.

[Wife#2]

Blueberry - wise realization! Because other people are not you, what they can or can't do has NO bearing on who you are and what you can/can't do. If showering and washing your hair is an accomplishment for you, then  because you actually DID get it done.

There are some who just aren't ready to recover yet. That's really fine. That's their lives, their reality and it's the best they can do - just staying alive one more day.

You are, it sounds like, just with lots of forward and backward. Guess what? That makes YOU completely normal and in lots of company, besides.

One of my favorite things about this website is that we are all allowed to be where we are, without judgment.

Though I am very capable of showering and washing my hair with relative ease, I also have had days where that much effort was more than I could do. How much more so for you, who struggle?

I'm just so glad you felt up to posting. It helps us feel connected and better to know that we are not alone. Even on the bad days. Especially on the bad days. ::: Hugs ::: I hope your day improves, at least in your ability to be OK with who you are today.

[Blueberry]

Thanks wife#2 for the cheers and the wave. I finally showered and washed my hair today.

Thank you also for the validation that I am on the road to recovery, but just with lots of forward and backward and that that's completely normal round here. Usually I can only work on one or two things at once. So in my psyche there's quite a lot going on and I'm still managing my work but then I can't keep up with personal hygiene.

to you and I wish you a good day as well.

[Inneedofhelp]

I feel I am not recovering. I have been battling anxiety and depression for most of my life. Last year I discovered I had C-PTSD due to childhood bulling, child sexual abuse, and growing up in a domestic violent environment; as well as ongoing trauma of domestic violence in my adult life, rape and the murder of my second child when he was a baby at the age of 6 months. I have been receiving counselling for the past five years. I have tried to go back to study after raising my children, but have not been able to complete my studies due to anxiety and depression. I am currently taking medication prescribed by my psychiatrist and it is increasing my anxiety due to my religious beliefs that it is wrong to put unclean substances into my body. Counselling only helps for a short time and often increases my anxiety and depression due to reliving the trauma and increasing my triggers. I have applied for the disability support pension as I am unable to work due to my anxiety and depression; but have been told that my application has been rejected due to the fact that they think I will be able to work within a two year period, with further treatment and medication. I do not believe I will be capable of getting a job within that period of time. I have asked my psychiatrist to write a letter to explain that further counselling and medication will not improve my condition within 2 years; but he has said that he can not do that because he has not been treating me for long enough. My psychologist has said that I need long term psychotherapy over several years to be able to manage my day to day stressors and triggers, however, she can not write a letter to support my claim because she is not a clinical psychologist yet. She is on the register for clinical psychology and is supervised by a clinical psychologist, but still has four months left before she can be a registered clinical psychologist; therefore, they will not accept a report from her. Right now I feel like I will never get better. The stress is too much for me. I have also recently been diagnosed angina, which is stress related. My psychiatrist has increased my medication, which I do not think will help as it will probably cause me to be more anxious or it will cause me to be emotionally numb or will make me lethargic and not able to do anything. I told him I want to try a natural way of treating my anxiety and depression and he told me I was just wasting his time; which made me even more anxious and depressed. I feel like everything is hopeless. I am 61 in a few weeks and I feel like I will never be able to gain employment because of my anxiety and because I have not been employed in over 40 years. I have no experience and my fears are overwhelming.

[mourningdove]

I hear you, Inneedofhelp.

Sorry that you are having such a difficult and scary time. Is it possible to switch to a different psychiatrist? The comment about you "wasting his time" is a big red flag, in my opinion. You deserve so much better than that.

Not sure where you are, but I know that disability applications are usually rejected the first time in the US. Most people have to appeal. Will your counselor be able to write you the requisite letter when she gets her credentials in four months? Or is it possible for her clinical supervisor to write the letter?

You're not alone. 

[sanmagic7]

right now i feel like i'm recovering emotionally, but physically i'm getting worse.  i'm doing what i can, but it doesn't seem to be enough.  i can feel my eye going bad, and that's scaring the bejeezus out of me.  i hate this crapola!  i really thought that with emotional recovery my physical side would begin to right itself.  i was wrong. 

and now my hub has to do antibiotic eye drops every 4 hrs. for another week.  my sleep is so mucked up this month, my eating is out of whack, i'm gaining weight, and i feel pretty miserable most of the time.  i just want it to end.

[Blueberry]

  sanmagic

[Blueberry]

Well, I am actually recovering bit by bit. But it doesn't feel that way right now. I've come to an impasse as usual. The worst part is things could be better if I picked myself up and got on with a few activities, even 'simple' things like, um, showering and washing my hair.   For want of an embarrassed emoticon, I'll use   I guess there's probably a reason for the lack of embarrassed emoticom on here.
Unfortunately showering and washing my hair are hardly ever that simple. They take quite a lot out of me, energy-wise. So I guess  I could admit that to myself instead of dumping on myself.

5 months later, I could write almost the same post.

I feel I'm not recovering atm and that it's my fault. I almost feel like throwing in the towel, not life's towel. But just going back to FOO and saying "OK you win. I can't survive without you after all." I am not going to do that. But I feel they were right in some respects. I AM indolent, I'm being that way atm. Or is that just depression? Anyway there are things I could be doing to better my lot atm but I'm not doing them. I need to take responsibility for my own life and future, but I'm not doing so.

[Candid]

... going back to FOO and saying "OK you win. I can't survive without you after all." I am not going to do that. But I feel they were right in some respects.

Oh, sweetheart. What you're calling indolence, and the feeling that you're not taking responsibility, are the results of what They taught you about yourself. All of us here have seen the Blueberry who runs her own business. That's industry and accountability in one hit, more than anything I could aim at.

Please be kinder to yourself.

[Blueberry]

Please be kinder to yourself.

This is what a friend told me today too. I reached her by phone. CPTSD too. I don't think anybody else would understand me atm. Since two of you have said it, it's probably not a coincidence.

I finally had a bath and washed my hair, at another friend's place. When she's on holiday, I'm allowed to use her bath and do. Somehow easier for me than showering. Idk why but it doesn't really matter.

Oh, sweetheart. What you're calling indolence, and the feeling that you're not taking responsibility, are the results of what They taught you about yourself. All of us here have seen the Blueberry who runs her own business. That's industry and accountability in one hit, more than anything I could aim at.

Hmm. I'll try and believe you here. It's good you wrote it anyway. Sometime it'll filter through the depressive layers.

[Candid]

Showers are for getting clean, nothing more. Lingering in a nice warm tub shifts from self-care to self-nurturing. I'm glad you did that.

[Frederica]

Thank you for making this thread, it made me feel less alone to read it. I'm completely sick of hearing about recovering/recovered people lately, not here per say, but as a pervasive cultural thing.  Not that I'm not happy for them, but if I see one more grinning amputee on a surfboard I'm going to barf. The spotlight always seems to be on the happy/triumphant/bittersweet/poetic etc. tail end of what was probably years of suffering/work for that person. 

Not everyone who is f---ed up is already in the process of recovering. Some days (or years) we're still just in the middle of stagnant suffering. It doesn't make a very fun or compelling story arc- "I was f---ed up, I'm still f---ed up, also going to be f---ed up tomorrow too, if you're interested." But sometimes that's how life is, and it would feel less awful down in the stagnant mire if it weren't for the weird pressure to live out some scripted r*** survivor hero journey.

Ha, there - can't even type the r-word, probably won't be able to tomorrow either, and probably won't be embarking on a crusade to change that anytime in the foreseeable future. I will, however, try to be better at remembering to brush my teeth. 

[Liminality]

I relate to this a lot, Frederica. Could have written that post myself. Sometimes you're happy for recovering people, sometimes you just wish they'd leave you the f--- alone with their optimism.

[Blueberry]

Frederica, I hear you.