How to communicate with friends..

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Tuxedo-oreo

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How to communicate with friends..
« on: September 20, 2016, 12:36:27 AM »
Recently told my emotional abuser to not come back. I wanted to go no contact because I am constantly triggered and there are also attempts at manipulation on his end. I needed to see him in person to switch a car title into his name (he had my car, in my insurance, and was drinking and driving). I brought a friend with trauma/cptsd for support, thinking that she would understand. He of coarse started his manipulation and I was triggered. I got emotional. She started to try and reason with me, telling me that I should do certain things and I was being unreasonable if I actually wanted him out of my life. I feel that I have the right to be in my place if he insists on pacing his own things. I don't trust him. Her attempts to "mediate" (which was not why I brought her) only made me feel more out of control and triggered. I lost it and told her to get out of my car.

My question is, how do I get my point across, how this made me feel,  Without  taking all the blame or putting it all on her. I want to make sure that she understands how what she did affected me, without placing blame.

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Three Roses

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Re: How to communicate with friends..
« Reply #1 on: September 20, 2016, 02:24:15 PM »
First of all, please allow me to give you a warm welcome to the forum! We're glad you're here.

Congrats on taking a stand against your abuse, and taking back what is yours. That must have been an emotionally charged atmosphere for you, and everyone! If it were me, I imagine I'd feel like I was stretched tighter than I could stand.

You could try meeting her in the middle, and by that I mean acknowledging where you could have done things differently, in the interest of a smoother outcome (and with the benefit of hindsight!  ;) ) That's not taking the blame, it's just acknowledging your part in the incident. You don't have to apologize, just state facts.

Whether she did what you wanted or not, I give her credit for trying to be there for you, and inserting her presence into an already tense situation. She must have been uncomfortable, and possibly became "triggered" herself. So many of us here don't have a friend like that; you're one of the lucky ones.

You could start by saying up front what you've said here - you just want to talk about how you felt without placing the blame anywhere. That's a good start. Not "how she made you feel", but how you felt. And ask her what she was feeling too.

I hope you get this resolved, with your friendship intact! Thanks again for joining our forum.  :hugs:

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Tuxedo-oreo

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Re: How to communicate with friends..
« Reply #2 on: September 23, 2016, 01:43:49 AM »
Thanks three roses. That's pretty much what I did. We came to the conclusion that our cPTSD contagious. Lol. It's not funny really but apparently when I was triggered, my emotional response triggered her. We agreed that although we do care and want to physically be there for each other, in certain instances we need to support each other from a distance. And if there is a pretty good likelihood that one of us could be triggered than another friend should be the support person. Although we do understand each other in ways that others don't, for things like this a less emotionally reactive person needs to be present. Thanks for your feedback.

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Joeybird

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Re: How to communicate with friends..
« Reply #3 on: October 05, 2016, 08:12:23 AM »
You and your friend have been honest with each other, and have come to a resolution of your issue. You handled it very well. Hopefully the friendship will continue to heal and grow.