How do/did you find out what really happened?

[2Spirits]

Hi all,
I struggle a lot with my symptoms (anxiety, shame, emotional flashbacks with no obvious trigger), and I struggle with finding out what happened in my childhood. I guess I need a "good enough" reason to have my symptoms... because the familiy narrative is "You are overly sensitive, that's all" and i want something that justifies me and want to find a cause. Nothing very obvious happened in my childhood: I wasn't beaten, molested, bullied. I read some of the stories here on the forum and feel inadequate - you have a reason to be here, I'm just... I don't know. It's as if I had no right to have my symptoms, as if nothing bad happened and I'm just ingrateful to my parents and making all this up and am overly sensitive or just plain weird - and of course this is all my fault. Bleh!

My mother died 10 years ago; while she was still alive I could ask her a lot and she would try her best to support me. There was a topic, however, where I got no answers at all - her youth and especially her father, my grandfather (he died before I was born, so I never knew him).

My father doesn't answer questions most of the time, not really "It was hard and now its over, no use talking about the past, psycho-babble", and I don't trust him to answer truthfully. It's not nice meeting him anyway, so I rather avoid him.

By now I've had several phone talks and meetings with my mothers siblings. They were six, my mother is dead, another one is demented. So far I have been told that my grandfather repeatedly abused two of them and my aunts and I assume that my mother was also his victim; but at the time it happened, they didn't talk about it with each other. Still they don't talk about it with each other; it was only because I asked plainly that I was told and they wanted me strongly not to talk about it with the others. That would clearly explain why my mother always refused to talk about him. But it happened to her, not to me - so it doesn't explain why I suffer.

I'm not sure how to go on. I could try on my fathers side of the family, but the only relative there is an uncle who is highly toxic, so I'm hestitant to try to talk to him.
How did you manage your childhood history, did you try to find out about it, did it help you when you tried?
Or did you just concentrate on the present? How did you accept your symptoms?

Best wishes to you all - it's great that you are out here
A

[radical]

I found out a big part of my family's story by accident.  The official family story about my grandfather was that he was a saint and a hero.  There were all sorts of tiny leaks over the years, but the official version prevailed.  It was something the whole family enforced and closed ranks on.

I was staying with, and caring for my elderly mother after she had undergone surgery.  She wasn't able to sleep or rest.  All night she would be stumbling around the house on a walker, despite this being against doctor's orders. She was agitated.  She had been prescribed sleeping pills but they had no effect.  On the third night of no sleep she ramped up the dose of sleeping pills past the maximum dose, but she still couldn't sleep.  After a night of following her around trying to get her to go back to bed, a combination of exhaustion and the disinhibiting effects of the meds kicked in and she told me the truth about her family.  It was a heartbreaking story of a terrorised family living with appalling cruelty.  My grandfather really was considered a hero in the wider community.  To his own family he was a vicious, dangerous abuser.  My mother loved him dearly, and was proud of his accomplishments.  I don't think she was able to reconcile the two realities.

After this she finally slept.  The agitation abated and she went back to being her usual self.  She rested as per doctor's orders.  We never spoke of it again, and I don't know if she remembers what she told me.

I realise you are looking for answers about your mother and what happened to you.  I thought this might help in showing the power of a family united in denial.  Hearing my mother's story helped me understand her and to make sense of my own family, especially the role my mother's family of origin played in the dysfunctional dynamics and denial in the next generation.

[Three Roses]

You are struggling with something that's very common, I think. It seems the majority of us question whether we have the "right" to have these feelings, this damage.

Quoting Pete Walker's book on CPTSD,  p. 89 - "It appears to me that just as many children acquire C PTSD from emotionally traumatizing families as from physically traumatizing ones.
   "Denial about the traumatic effects of childhood abandonment seriously hamper your ability to recover. In childhood, ongoing emotional neglect typically creates overwhelming feelings of fear, shame and emptiness. As an adult survivor, you may continuously flashback into this abandonment melange. Recovering depends on realizing that fear, shame and depression are the lingering effects of a loveless childhood. Without such understanding, your crucial, unmet needs for comforting human connection constrained you in a great deal of unnecessary suffering."

P. 93 - "Minimization  about the damage caused by extensive emotional neglect is at the core of the  CPTSD denial onion. Our journey of recovering takes a quantum leap when we really feel and understand how devastating it was to be emotionally abandoned. An absence of parental loving interest and engagement, especially in the first few years, creates an overwhelming emptiness. Life feels harrowingly frightening to the infant or toddler who is left for long periods without comfort and care. Children are helpless and powerless for a long time, and when they sense that no one has their back, they feel scared, miserable and disheartened. Much of the constant anxiety that adult survivors live in is this still aching fear that comes from having been so frighteningly abandoned."

Don't underestimate the damage you've taken. It's not your imagination. As far as remembering, the times when I've been able to uncover memories have always been while I'm writing. Also, working at learning to communicate with your inner child/children would probably help. Here's a link to get you started, but remember to not rush things. Trying to "get better" too fast can cause more damage, so go at your own pace.

http://www.mindful.org/healing-the-child-within/

Good luck!

[Wife#2]

I really do understand what you mean. My childhood wasn't horrible. There was neglect and emotional abuse, yes, but there was also a fair amount of love. So, how did I end up here and why do I have (undx so far) c-PTSD? 

First, let me welcome you, seemingly-not-so-bad to seemingly-not-so-bad.

Then, let me ask you this. What DO you remember about your own childhood? I know it can be scary to look back, for fear that your good imagination will put monsters there that didn't REALLY exist. But, that's why I like the Recovery Journal they have here. It's a good place to put down any solid memories you have. Then, when re-reading ones you KNOW are accurate, sometimes other memories will pop up. Write THOSE down. You may discover that retrieving those memories is harder than you think. That goes hand-in-hand with emotional abuse through neglect and attachment issues.

Families that have a bunch of dysfunction, like your mother's FOO, will likely not be open to discussing these things. Especially if they are of an older generation. It was rude to discuss these things, dirty laundry was best washed and not talked about, and no speaking ill of the dead - those lines that shut down honest conversations.

My cPTSD is directly related to my being the 7th and last child, right after a high-needs sister. Also, the golden child brother just ahead of her didn't like me much and made it plain based on how he treated me.

I'm guessing that you are an only child, making sibling conversations impossible. So, if your mother had issues and your dad was distant, that IS a formula for neglect. It's not saying they are bad people, just that they weren't the parents YOU needed as you grew up.

Consider beginning a Recovery Journal - and let your recovery journey there be about recapturing YOUR memories of childhood. Putting them into context. Verifying their accuracy. You'd be surprised how complete the story of our lives is in our memories (I'm nearly 50, reclaiming memories of being 4 - 11). It's not too late to reclaim these. And understand how they complete the puzzle of how you ended up here.

You belong. Your thoughts are not less important because your story is more tame. Your pain is no less real, that is for certain. Welcome!

[Dutch Uncle]

For me it has been a journey traveling back from the present to the past.
The abuse that has been inflicted on me has continued well into adulthood, and only 5 years ago it got so absurd (in my experience) that finally the blinkers got off.
In this particular case my DramaSister made the same old derogatory accusations to me she had been doing for over twenty years, and I thought: "this can only be 'true' if I'm an Asperger". That set me on the path towards first investigating if I could be an Asperger's, which turned out to be I'm not (it seemed unlikely anyway, but that is how deep my perceived 'flaws' had been bashed into my 'being': the ever present self-doubt) and from then on I started googling "dysfunctional families" and I delved ever deeper.

Consider beginning a Recovery Journal - and let your recovery journey there be about recapturing YOUR memories of childhood. Putting them into context. Verifying their accuracy. You'd be surprised how complete the story of our lives is in our memories (I'm nearly 50, reclaiming memories of being 4 - 11). It's not too late to reclaim these. And understand how they complete the puzzle of how you ended up here.

I second wife#2's suggestion.
For me my recovery journal has been instrumental in uncovering the abuse that has started in childhood and has continued up to today. For 50-odd years I have passed it on as 'normal', which of course is the message that has been send to e all that time: "Don't whine so much, it is and has been normal all along." But it isn't and wasn't.

Looking into the past of your parents or even grandparents can be useful. Though in my personal experience it has mostly taught me how the abuse has been passed on from one generation to the other. Instead of 'easing' my pain from my abuse, it rather has made me feel the pain more. So in a sense it's a dangerous path to walk on. In the sense it will not provide much comfort.
The comfort, if any, needs and can only be found in the present, i.e. your life's experiences. All your life's experiences are "now", or as a favorite philosopher/neuroscientist of mine has said: "A memory is a thought arising in the now."

During my journey I've come across a few articles in the early stages that made me realize more had been going on in my past than I probably realized on a conscious level, or even had memories of. This is particularly true if it concerns emotional abuse and/or neglect. It can be worthwhile to first recognize your reactions, even without fully understanding or remembering the abuse.
To a degree it's probably not even necessary to 'remember' all past abuse, as it can be re-traumatizing.
30 Signs Of Emotional Abuse In A Relationship
Signs of Trauma
are just two examples of articles that deal with the effects of trauma, rather then the causes.

I hope this, and the articles, may be of help to you.

[JohnnyBoy]

I found out most of my Dad's history when I was 15 yrs old while he was in the psyche ward after a suicide attempt. My grandfather was physically and emotionally abusive to his children and my grandmother, plus the addition of severe sexually abuse from a neighbor and another place. This explains not only my dad's quick sometimes over reactive temper, and I think also his need to literally work himself into the ground to see that we had whatever he thought we wanted. My mother when I was growing up, seemed alot times like a child herself, was a severe germiphobe, And I suppose some would say self absorbed, you couldn't confide anything to her, my sisters would know by the end of the day. Both parents were good at saying just exactly what would hurt you most. I know somewhat what landed me here, my sisters were sexually abused by our uncle as well as all 4 of us being emotionally abused by his wife (my mom's oldest sister), causing some severe disorders in them, I hid in my room many days listening to screaming, hitting, and objects being thrown, I got to where I thought it was "normal" no matter how much I hated it. 90% of the time I got caught in the crossfire and either punched kicked scratched or hit by a projectile, at to the mix bullying at school.The relationship I've been in the past 10 yrs has either proliferated the disorder or just added a whole new wrinkle to it. Sorry I didn't mean to hijack.

[woodsgnome]

2Spirits asked: "How did you manage your childhood history, did you try to find out about it, did it help you when you tried?
Or did you just concentrate on the present? How did you accept your symptoms?"

Tracing it all, in my story, would be very grueling. The abuses themselves involved multiple sources--FOO yes, but also overlaid with heavy grief via 12 years of religious schooling and it all blurs together at times. Accepting the blurring without worrying about the specifics anymore seems key, although some hidden memories still float in if I'm not careful. Slowly I'm learning, though, that I can allow them, too; not fight them, as that just brings on floods of agony piled on the old wounds. Sometimes I rue having a fairly decent memory, but that can be a handy inlet for the inner critic with its self-blame games.

I somehow survived the first storms, and completely removed myself from the FOO by literally moving, as soon as I could, a fair distance away into a pretty isolated region, following that by moving even further away. I was lucky, though, to fall into a career early on, one with minimal economic security but that dramatically boosted what remained of a shaky, despairing self. The career helped immensely, but I didn't know how temporary that relief would be, and all the symptoms kept rekindling on their own, despite the career to which I devoted so much time and energy. Now in my 60's and retired, the past still hovers near and haunts me.

Finding out more once I feel recovered enough to even pick up the pieces has been grueling, aided though by having physically removed myself from the scenes of agony. But the emotional side remained a mess (covered by the career for many years). My memories of specifics tend to dwell, of course, on the more dramatic incidents, but there's an underlayer that kind of blends together like a nasty, messy glue. When I still foolishly try to pan for more memories--yuk!  It's sheer chaos for my already embattled psyche.

The parents and many of the holy crowd are deceased, though my 2 much older siblings are still around. I rarely see them, and only if they make a point to find me. The youngest, I rightly sensed I was unwanted by the parents and that was reinforced by the siblings. The b eventually encountered his own * in war; while I have some sympathy there, nothing ever covers over the emotional divide. The s rightly senses that she'd best be accompanied, if she does visit (last time 12 years or so ago) by one of her kids (as a shield, it seems). Both b and s were highly abusive to me. I do get the requisite school reunion sorts of invites (despite my request to be removed from alumni lists), but avoid them as well (many of the teachers have passed but the bullies are still around).

What I've concluded, finally, is that the past story can be considered to have run its course. It's like that movie was shut off long ago, I've left the theatre, and while I recall the heavy tragedy of the plot, I no longer scratch and claw to find out what all happened, although I'm still wary of hidden memories that do resurface in some of the therapy I've been doing.

Most of this more deliberate cleansing has only come about within the last couple of years, and I continue to shut down all the wondering in favour of the present, writing/living the script for the new movie. I've found out I can neither fully forget nor truly find all the specifics, and don't want to--anger and tears are fierce remnants, but also provide relief.

Another important part involves some sort of external support--friends or therapy. Now friendless (my closest all died a couple years ago), I'm fortunate to have found a talented therapist to help me travel along the road back to the Now movie.

 

[2Spirits]

Thank you for your thoughts and answers !
It's helping to hear that I'm welcome here no matter if there was obvious abuse in my childhood or not. And all the different aspects of your tales help me in feeling ok with my ambiguity how to go on.

I already notice that it helps me thinking and feeling clearer when I first write it down and re-read it later. A big THANK YOU to wife#2 for suggesting a recovery journal where i can write down, spill it out, re-read and see and appreciate change over time (hopefully). Your question about my childhood memories made me realize that i do not remember my life coherently and there are many years of my childhood where i cannot clearly remeber anything. But with some structure like a timeline or significant events i might be able to reconstruct it like a mosaic where the picture is clear even when many parts are missing. Hugs to you! and also greetings from seemingly-not-so-bad to seemingly-not-so-bad (great expression )

I read your answers and hear that memories are a double-edged sword... well, thats true. The (propable) abuse of my mother was and is hard for me - but it opened a possibility to tell my story in a different way. Suddenly some of my triggers and some of my biases make a lot of sense. For example it's much easier to understand why i resent the standard male role so much - because male power leads to no good ends. Another example is my big anxiety to ask questions - that makes a lot of sense for a child that intensly senses that his mother does not want any questions that open up foul memories for her. So my summary so far is: my family history is hard to digest, but it is empowering to be able to ask and get answers.

The mini-epiphany I got from re-reading my own post was this: I do struggle a lot to find out if my childhood was abusive. But perhaps I don't have to go back this far to get an answer to this question. DutchUncle writes about the abuse going a long time in adult years. So thank you for this reminder  Because just looking at the current behaviour of my father and my brother is a much easier task than reconstructing childhood events and atmosphere. And I'm belittled, shamed, threatened, yelled at and ridiculed now - well, why should it have been so much different in my formative years. Or perhaps it was not that blatant because I was not emotionally strong enough to have an argument and ended up in tears easily. But the behaviour i get now is quite an indicator for what i would have faced when i had challenged him as child.

And thanks for the inner-child-work link, ThreeRoses! I tried it once and the results were too upsetting and confusing; this was three years ago. Perhaps I'll give it another try now, but I have to be careful with very direct approaches - as you already said, smaller steps are safer.

Good night to all of you!