Weird feeling I get all the time, I don't understand it

[thebutcher]

This started when I was an older teen.  Sometimes when I see young children, older than infants but younger than say 8 years old, I get incredibly, profoundly sad seemingly out of nowhere.  Even if the kids look happy or are having a good time.  I saw a toddler running around saying "mommy I want chicken" in the park and I almost straight up burst into tears on the spot.  I don't understand where this feeling comes from.  I have no children of my own and I'm kind of afraid to because what if I just feel heart-crushingly sad whenever I see my own kids?

Is this what they call a trigger?  What could it mean?

[Dutch Uncle]

Is this what they call a trigger?  What could it mean?

I'm by no means an expert, but I think the kids that age are indeed a trigger and the feeling you get is an Emotional Flashback (EF).

As for what it means, I haven't got clue. Possibly it's related to something you personally experienced, but it may well be something you witnessed happening to a kid that age, or something completely non-related to kids that age, but something you witnessed as a kid that age (you might have witnessed a bad accident somewhere while yourself being at a safe distance), or it might be a story you have heard about a kid that age, or...
It could be anything really.
I think. 

[writetolife]

Chiming in to say that I occasionally experience something similar, but not the same.  It's not all the time, though.  I teach Sunday school and sometimes when I see the kids (especially the smallest most vulnerable girls) acting really comfortable and trusting with their fathers (who are so kind, but could so easily use their power to emotionally abuse their children however they wanted), it's really hard for me.  In fact, I'm remembering one moment right now and feeling like I might tear up any second.  It's definitely a trigger for me because I could never have that kind of trust with my dad.  In fact, he frequently used his size to intimidate me. 

All of that to say, that i agree that it's probably a trigger.  If you're thinking that you're weird, you're not.  I think we all have triggers that make no sense to outsiders or that we're still trying to understand ourselves.  And triggers can be overcome or managed. 

I'm sorry kids are so hard for you, though.  That must be so tough.    

[woodsgnome]

I have similar trigger feelings, but in a broader age range (mostly from around 3-4 to late teens) and a variety of abusive people around me--parents, siblings, teachers, and bullies controlled by the teachers. Unfortunately, with that wide a range the potential for triggers is huge.

So when I see truly loving interactions occurring, I can forget to breathe in a moment of awe. This can cycle from having uncomfortable, awkward feelings at first, a twinge of sadness next, and maybe a touch of envy. This stems from the 'comparison game' of encountering something nice that I was denied. In some cases, though, it can move on to admiration tinged with more awe that loving relationships of that sort really exist. Once I can take the 'me' out of the picture I'm seeing, it gets easier. 'Good for them'  is my take-away. It helps me refocus out of the protective bubble I exist in during social interactions of that type.

It's hard to get past the memories that clog up the mind's dusty cobwebs, but beautiful when one can re-orient the feelings. It seems that a key, for me at least, is getting out of the self stance, out of my own way, beyond the bubble. Sadly, far easier said than done. But it can happen, and that's the hope and a big chunk of the recovery journey, it seems.



 

[Sienna]

Hi there the butcher,

Cant believe you are asking the very question i had wondered for such a long time.
Yes, i suspect it is an emotional flashback.
A situation that normally wouldn't make people want to cry, has you nearly in tears...feeling sad...
i think its a flashback.
It is very difficult and confusing.
I understand your worry about having children.  For me, being around children felt unbearable, until i was forced into a situation in which there where children around...and i ended up crying a lot of tears.

I do wonder if i would just go numb if i had children- as it would feel just too much...and due to the flashbacks, perhaps i know that despite my best efforts, i would react the same way as my mother did with me-as i have experienced this lately.

I have this too, and i feel sad when i see kids toys, kids, and when i see kids with their fathers.

Everyone reacts differently to having children of course-
and maybe you wouldn't react the way you think you might. As in, it might be too much so your feeling about this might just switch off- which isn't ideal either as you are meant to be connected to your child.

My guesses are, that something might have happened to you at that age.
There might have been loss. (i don't just mean death)...
and yes, you might have seen another sibling or another child being mistreated, them being upset, or them being happy and you wishing you could have that.

My T said that i get sad at kids stuff...becasue i was always afraid that my dad would leave. If he left that meant id be stuck with my mother and i felt i would die if that happened.
Dad was emotionally and physically absent a lot...so T thinks i worried that he would never come back. I think I'm sad for the relationship i wanted that we never had.
And my sister being born- felt like id lost my dad.
I have a very young dissociative part - who is a very young child...and she holds a lot of wants and needs that weren't met. She also holds a lot of anger apparently.
I had to split off from her, and reject and forget about her sadness, her unmet needs, her wants, because that was unacceptable to my mother. It is still i must say, hard for me to accept my inner child. I became hard like my mother, but inside, it is another story.
My inner child's feelings come up when I'm around other children, and when i have to witness other children being mistreated.
There is a lot of grief i suspect about not having good enough parents.

I hope this helps somewhat. Its so great that you asked this. In time, i suspect you will come to know what it is about children that sparks off your sadness- or rather- what your sadness is about. It may take something in the environment to trigger that realisation for you. (and i still have a long way to finding out more)...

[Fightsong]

Butcher it might just be that as a kid you never had 'that' - whatever you are seeing that's triggering you. Inner child stuff is a magical mysterious thing but it really helps you clarify what you missed. I know what you are describing too. It happens to me when I see families having fun. 

[sanmagic7]

i can also relate to the sadness simply popping up, and, in my case, the tears popping out.  i also believe it's inner child related.  when i see warm, caring, kind, loving  gestures is when i get sad.  i'm sad that i can't feel what it looks like the people involved are feeling, and i want to feel it.  it's a profound sadness for what i've never felt, even tho i have loving people around me, for what i've missed feeling throughout my life. 

[Sienna]

Huge  Sanmagic.

Trigger Warning...

it's a profound sadness for what i've never felt, even tho i have loving people around me, for what i've missed feeling throughout my life.

I do think this is quite normal.
Loving people can't fix what you never had as a child, and loving people can sort of help to fill some of the voide...or maybe not that...maybe they can give you some of what you never had, though it will never be the same as having *actually having those things* as a child.
I thought that if i work through the grief that it would go away and that i wouldnt crave parents anymore...but T says that it may always be there. She said others can help but they will never fix what was never had.

I definitely believe its inner child related.
I get angry as a first defence most of the time, but i know that under neath that and under neath the denial of...people should not need others / family...you should sort it out yourself..be indipendant!- is grief.
So great to connect with others on this- though i wish others hadn't been through it and don't go through this.
I felt alone for such a long tine in this.

[Fightsong]

I think I just realised today that I cannot give the child what she longs for. But I can accompany, and accept her grief and wait whilst it passes. And maybe it won't ever go I'll just get used to seeing it and noting it and helping her through. People say grief never goes away you just accommodate it. I think it applies to this too.

[Sienna]

Hey Fight song,
Triggers...

That is a sad thing to realise.
Its also perfectly normal and my guess is that there are many reason you cant give you inner child what they need yet.

I have read that when we finally grieve what we never had, only then are we able to do with our addictions (things we attached to as we couldnt attach to mother), because through having grieved, we are not holding on to *needing that attachment object*.
This is because we learn how to be here for ourselves. 

I think that if you keep going with your grieving, and just accepting how your inner child feels, that in itself will be huge relief to her and in doing that, you are giving her *part of* what she needs, which is to be able to cry, to feel sad etc etc. - just to be acknowledged.

My guess is that the grief may lessen in intensity and frequency, though there may always be reminders that trigger your grief.
When you start to meet your inner childs needs yourself, some of the hole will be filled that he/she is left for. And others can help to meet his/her needs too, though it will never be the same as if your parents did it...(so I'm not sure if that means the the hole is always unfulfilled...?)
Perhaps he/she will always want others to help him/her fill the void.
And thats probably normal.So having others help fill it is ok.
Only in times when othres cant...and becasue we *should* have developed a caring motherly inner voice instead of an abusive one-
we don't have that kind voice- so our minds need one.

I have heard that , if we have a desire for grief and inner childs feelings to go away, and we listen to her only to get it over with, being here for her, she will still feel how she felt growing up with no support...
Just wanted to mention that, as it might help you on your way to giving her what she needs.

[meursault]

Sienna, that's a good point.  Remembering to be there for the inner child without that ulterior motive of healing him so he stops causing problems.

This is all really sad, Fightsong, but it sure seems true!

I have the same sort of reaction that thebutcher has, but pretty specifically for the ages between 3-6, which were the most overtly abusive years for me growing up.  With me, I see these happy kids and feel huge loss and sadness.  The thought that goes through my head is: "What is so fundamentally bad about me that, even though I was just like that kid, everyone in my life still hated and hurt me?  What made me so unlovable?"  Just a "well" of sadness after that.

Meursault