Yes, its me again...I need some help..email from narc X

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Sienna

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Re: Yes, its me again...I need some help..email from narc X
« Reply #15 on: September 27, 2016, 09:28:48 PM »
Thank you Dutch for sharing your experiences, and it wasnt too long at all (if thats what TLDR means). Its ok for you to repeat yourself.
Sometimes that is what is needed, and if this thread can help you too- then thats great IMO!
(sorry my post is so looooonnnnngggggg....brought some stuff to mind)

Trigger Allert too **

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No, he is blocking YOU out from the fact you said "no thanks".
He knows.
And no way he is going to block that out.
He wants YOU to block it out.
Scary, scary stuff. Perhaps I'm doing that thing again...where i think something - or, intuition is saying *he is aggravated, he knows the truth- he is just denying it*-
then i go and question it like i always have because i cant trust myself..and then i wonder if he is genuinely having a memory problem....man i have a lot of healing to do. :(

Are you sure he KNOWS he is wrong? i have heard that they believe the lie they tell themselves.
it makes sense though what you are saying...if he believed he was right..why would he REALLY
need to convince me of it?...there must be some self doubt in there somewhere- well- of course there is!- he's a narc...but I'm wondering if he knows there is...

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If you would tell him he's wrong, most probably he won't even be surprised. He'll throw a hissy-fit more likely.
God. i really don't remember much of the stuff that happened in the relationship. Basically, i know that he got mad when i said that he was wrong. He said that i tell him he is wrong and wont budge. That i think I'm right and that there is never any room for *possibility* on my behalf, for the fact that I could be wrong.
And i know that i was like that.
I did have huge issues like my mother, with being wrong- with admitting i was wrong.
But i don't know what out of all of it is my stuff- and what is his- and its all mis mashed together in my head- and it always was.
But I think that he might have told me that with out a doubt *you are wrong*, so i didnt have a problem saying it to him-
unless we both just did that to each other from the get go.

You assumed right. It is about the phone.
I couldnt understand why...apart from that he would be able to try to hoover me by needing to talk to me about *the phone* in the future.
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He wants to have a piece of him ON YOU.
Ugh!
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This time it is "all about you". About you being his, that is.
It is? I thought it was all about him meeting his own needs by using me?

Dutch, i have to reply to some of what you wrote about your mum..if thats ok...(let me know if you are uncomfortable with me just naming her mum. Could call her DM- DramaMamma.
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I get a date. I bloody well make sure I mark it down. Not just in my agenda, but I dare say in every braincell I have. And every other cell I have to spare too.
Hahaha! Though, not so funny.

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While actually thinking: "No way I got this wrong. Too much is at stake here."
But hey, whatcha gonna do? Call her out? Its a no-win situation. So I budge. Fawn.
Really really hard, tough situation to be in.  :pissed:   :fallingbricks:

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Next day I think: "I still only got all this in my brain, not on paper. I might have it all wrong AGAIN.
Man, how many times i thought this over and over.
Started recording arguments with X. didnt help. he didnt want to watch them even though he said it would be a good idea.
Another question of mine answered- if they saw video tape of the situation in which what you are saying happened did happen, what would they do!

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"Yes I can confirm, and by the way, you were right, it once was date X, I just forgot to tell you, and I also know how that came about, it's because you hurt my feelings three months ago." (well, actually it wasn't revealed to me that fast, this is the short summary of an our long e-mail go-and-forth)
This is just so abusive Dutch. It makes me feel so sad that this is happening to you. I just want you to be safe and as happy / content as you can be.

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In my case, the perceived 'hurt' from three moths before was a boundary-bust-effort by her I didn't fall for.
Oh dear. Yes, have experience of similar too. They blame you for getting upset / angry / putting up boundaries due to THEIR behaviour.
This is absolutely mental Dutch. No wonder our minds get screwed over, growing up like this.
She cant *admit* she is wrong. It sounds definitely more about her feelings than yours, which is definitely not how it should be. Im sorry your DM is like this. Not ok, and you deserve better.

If these people (PD people), just forgot they told you something, then thought you forgot, and were upset that you forgot....that sounds more like a memory problem to me...so then, it must be on purpose...as know one with trauma is THAT forgetful all the time are they?

I understand about keeping themselves wrapped around you and your life. Wonder if X knows I'm fearful of him...maybe he likes putting me under uncertainty about when he will *appear*

My X used to say, oh sorry, i forgot, in response to breaking promises such as, ill be home at 11pm, or ill ring you to let you know...or..sure ill do my share of the cleaning...and a lot of times sounded like he wasnt bothered but would ah its so complex-
i think i get why he did that-
because maybe he was in trouble with is parents for forgetting stuff...and he met me- a partner who got  :pissed: when he forgot stuff...
and i got with him, who got mad when i accidentally broke stuff- just like my mother and he got annoyed at the fact that i didnt seem at all bothered. I just learned to keep my feelings in about stuff like that as i knew something bad was coming...and i wanted mother and then X to think i couldnt care less- oh well, clumsy me, this is just what i do- i break stuff.
sorry..im loosing where I'm at...
so yes, if i knew what i was doing, then maybe he did too.
and he didnt show any caring about my hurt sometimes and we had arguments about the broken promises thing.

Yes, they love it, and they need aparently- our energy. For us to be one down they feel better.
Feel like such a fraud, - have to be honest. when ive done this too with my x. like my mother, i felt powerful, but i realise i was repeating what she did to me, and that i felt i would die inside if i didnt outlet my anger. i just realised in therapy that he was the target and that i had to stop. So i stopped.

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With a bit of luck your Narc will do the same as my Histrionic did: getting caught in their own lies by telling a bigger one. Admitting one part and hoping they can get away by 'one-upmanshipping' that one with a trump.
Ah this is so sad. But if it happens, i hope he can see it for what it is..though I'm not sure he will ever change.
He said to me years ago that he has lied so much that he doesnt know what the truth is anymore. He confused himself he said. And he HATES people who lie! Wonder why! People are mirrors that you look into and you see yourself.
But this might have been another lie to win me over of his..i don't know.

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The trick to entangle the mess is to say: "Ha! you just admitted to a lie! The rest you are telling me now must be a lie too!"
I did this and it didnt go down well. Same as when i would tell him he was wrong or even omg LETS AGREE TO DISAGREE- WE BOTH REMEMBER THE EVENT DIFFERENTLY-
he was NOT ok with that.

Your mother cancelling the event is very interesting. Im guessing its cos she knows (in narc term speak), that you will not be *good supply* during her birthday time.

Its so great that you stood your ground...kept to your own boundaries of what you wanted.
After all of this awful behaviour towards you, i don't blame you for not wanting to go.
Thank you Dutch. Its hard cos writing this i realise i have forgotten a lot i guess of the relationship, and i cant match this stuff to stuff my UnNmother did. i just cant remember...or i still can't see it.
I appreciate you sharing a lot. It seems to parallel...i will have to re-read and get my head around it.   :hug:
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I just have to say, that you saying about the date with your DM, -
when i was a child- i would arrange a time to meet friends, and mum would give me a lift.
I would often get the time wrong, turn up, and friends weren't there.
T thinks i could have been stressed so i forgot and told mum wrong when i came off the phone.
Maybe i did.
But i started writing it on my white board in my bedroom, as i was in so much trouble with mum for this...(a suggestion of dads), and then i told her the time.
I would panic and look at it over and over for fear id still gotten it wrong. The time was still wrong.
I wonder if she rubbed it out off the whiteboard and changed it to something else to make me think i had written it.
Its like that thing i hard from someone???...about salt- they kept buying salt. Narc H hid it. They believed they mustn't have bought salt..over and over even though they kept repeatedly buying it.
He left and she found the salt all in rows on top of the kitchen cupboard.
 :hug:

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Sienna

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Re: Yes, its me again...I need some help..email from narc X
« Reply #16 on: September 28, 2016, 04:41:42 PM »
X wants to give me the phone and he wants to pay for the new contract.
So-why did he cancel my existing contract- yes it was coming to an end- but why not pay that if he so wants to pay for something?
It was more expensive though- maybe thats why-
and i KNOW its not his job to pay for it-as its my contract to pay.

Wonder if he cancelled my original contract -when it came to an end-
then bought the new phone and contract deal-
knowing that wouldnt take up his offer, and that i would most likely not be able to afford to pay my own contract myself. Thus i have no internet.
Im in starbucks at the moment.

Never told him he was still paying it as i thought that after all he has done- ill let him pay it.
I rely on the internet so much and now its gone. its all i have of any contact with other people now days- and this forum...and its my only entertainment and source of info.

Havent had any money to get myself a new contract. Im totally skint and freaking out.

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Sienna

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Re: Yes, its me again...I need some help..email from narc X
« Reply #17 on: September 29, 2016, 05:22:15 PM »
Think if should just take the phone.
Due to huge money issues at the moment, that being, i have *none*, if he pays it, i will at least have a phone. I need a phone to call up these companies.
I need the phone for internet.
This forum is helpful beyond belief. I feel so isolated with out it in the evenings, and the internet in general.
But he might take it off me. He might have already given it to his X. Doesnt he know my location right now anyway..as he payed my contract?? its an apple phone so he can find out where i am cant he?

Receptionist wanted to know why i wanted to use the phone earlier today- so told her and she thinks i cant be with out a phone- so to just accept X's offer.
I told her i cant and that she doesnt understand...but maybe i just should...