i goofed and i'm sorry

[sanmagic7]

i'm just gonna play it safe and not swear on this forum.  there are other words i can use, and i'll be more careful about not calling other therapists derogatory names.   i didn't realize it at the time, but i guess that was part of the issue here.  i have seen this in other posts, so i really didn't think twice about it.  in the end, i let my anger get out of control.  it won't happen again.

thank you everyone, for your kind words and strong support.   it did me and little me a world of good.  big hug to all of you.

[movementforthebetter]

I didn't even talk about how I was abused by not being allowed to express myself growing up, either. I would imagine that is a pretty major trigger to a lot of others here, too. So again, I appreciate the chance to discuss.

Whether it's in the rule itself, or the application of it, someone's going to have their toes stepped on at some point. Whose toes and why become a bigger issue.

For me, I am worried that the original offending post was linked to Meursault suddenly leaving. If the application of the rules drives people away, this may not be the safe space we think it is. And that is why I am pressing on in this discussion. It would be lovely to find out I am wrong.

For me as well, when I swear, I swear. I can do it or not do it as the rules are tweaked to clarify. I just think there's a lot more to triggering language than what letters are used. My F fake-swore in reaction to my M real-swearing. But, both were still expressions of anger or other strong feelings, and both still represented the original swear. As a kid it taught me a lot more ways to swear, so maybe not ao great, and not necessarily less awful to say fudge than #@$!.

Are we allowed to use words, any words, in a derogatory way? Are we allowed to express offensive opinions? What about generalized comments about a group of people? Triggering language is so much bigger than just cussing. I've been triggered here by posts, reactions to posts, and even people's usernames in the past. I figured, I own that, it's up to me to deal. But I do think if we're going to have an arbitrary line in the sand, then it's worth it to determine what kind of triggering we want to prevent and determine of the rules in place actually do that.

[sanmagic7]

mftb, i think you addressed the elephant in the room re: meursault.   if i'm sticking my neck out here, so be it (that's a fear being expressed of being banned from this forum now for my opinion).  i also think you spoke eloquently to the idea of triggers, and how they can be much more than swear words.  i, too, have been triggered in a fearful way by a username, by the subjects of posts, and even by some of the headings on the child boards.  i agree with you, however, that those are my issues to deal with. 

i believe this forum's intent and purpose is to give those of us attempting to heal from c-ptsd a place where we will not be shamed, mocked, ridiculed, etc. for expressing our issues, dysfunctions, and struggles, but instead will find understanding, kindness, caring, and support from others who are experiencing similar situations.  we only have words here to be able to do that.   someone on this thread became so concerned about what s/he posted that s/he was going to remove that post.  is that what we want here?

i wasn't around when the 'meeting' took place about what kinds of language is appropriate.  i read the guidelines as they were presented, and followed the lead of other postings.  if the posting of mine in question was thought to be going in an unsavory direction, why wasn't that simply questioned?  to tell the truth, i felt like an authoritarian figure was harshly judging my intent without asking about it first because of the messages i received and the bold colors and fonts used.  that is why, i believe, that inner child of mine was triggered.  and, that's why i posted here about it under the 'inner child' category in the first place.

which brings to light the idea of my posting about this.  it was an inner child issue, and i believed that i'm allowed to talk about that issue under the category of the inner child, no matter the source of the discomfort.  i don't believe anyone spoke ill of moderators, per se, only about confusion and questions.  yet, after only a few posts, the thread was shut down, again with bold, glaring fonts and colors.  another confusing move, and seemingly harsh.  at least, it felt that way to me.

i truly believe that we must all exercise the greatest care and kindness when dealing with each other on this forum - and words and emojis are all we have.  there was no swearing in my house while i was growing up, none.  no name-calling.  no put-downs.  the same holds true for my second narc husband, with whom i was married for 20 yrs.  yet, every word that shredded my self-esteem, sense of self-worth, and confidence in who i am as a human being (or lack of words) would be allowed on this forum.  i find those words, tone of voice, nuances of language to be far more debilitating than some cuss words.  but, that's only my opinion, as is everything i write.

i do feel now that i must use discretion in what i post, what i speak about, and be wary that there is a possibility of harshness coming down upon me if i goof up.  even posting what i'm saying right now feels unsafe.  someone asked for honesty, and i'm being honest.  what will happen in the future if i continue to be honest, like i was with this original post? 

[mourningdove]

yet, after only a few posts, the thread was shut down, again with bold, glaring fonts and colors.  another confusing move, and seemingly harsh.  at least, it felt that way to me.

It wasn't just you who felt that way. And if I had received a PM that looked like that, I probably would have left the site and not come back. I'm glad you didn't do that. If that's what happened to Meursault, then I wish someone from the site would reach out to him and invite him back.

[Three Roses]

I'm so sorry you feel you have to carefully pick and choose what you have to say!

I hope we can all be tolerant and forgiving of each other. If I've hurt anyone please let me know, so I can apologize.

I think we should all be able to say what we have to say, as long as we're not being abusive to anyone.

[mourningdove]

Soooo... are we going to address the issue of heavy-handed moderating and ensure that this doesn't happen again? I'd like to know soon please, because I have written a lot of welcome posts here and the last thing I ever meant to do was to give suffering people a false sense of security so that they could be mistreated.

[Dutch Uncle]

[written before MFTB's post][..]
2. No one actually questioned moderation decisions. No one actually questioned the warning that sanmagic got (aside from her understandable concern that she might have been singled out).

Soooo... are we going to address the issue of heavy-handed moderating and ensure that this doesn't happen again?

Yeah, I'd like to know too which one of the two is actually the issue here.

[mourningdove]

Good question Dutch. The second became an issue after your heavy-handed moderation decisions. It became even more of an issue for me me personally when I learned that people had received PMs that were similar to the post you made when you initially locked this thread.

Interesting that you do not seem remotely concerned with the effects these decisions of yours have had on many of us, possibly including causing people to leave the boards.

[Kizzie]

I want to confirm as Site Manager that Dutch's moderation was inappropriate in this situation and not in keeping with the spirit of this community.  I apologize for any discomfort or upset any of you have felt and want to assure you that this will not happen again.  Dutch has stepped down from moderating and I have accepted his decision. If you have anything else to say about this situation please PM me.

Given that the moderation issue has been acknowledged, an apology has been issued, and the safety of the community has been protected I am locking this thread and respectfully request that we move on.   

(Please note that I will start another thread about the swearing guideline, as I think that some further discussion about that is needed based on the follow on comments in this thread after I unlocked the thread. )