[Sienna]

Not sure where to start.
today i got a letter from DLA and they stopped it=when i was always on it before and legally am allowed to be.
All of the stress was for nothing and i may have to appeal which terrifies me.
I messed up the assessment as i am so ashamed of my visual impairment- from my mother.
And i told them about the CPtSD.
Re-afirmes my belief that I'm not believed even if i tell the truth.
I cant go through any more stress. i cried when i got the letter.

Today in class at volunteering..
Discussion came up about viruses / infections...and i just casually said that i had something on my arm..was asked what it was like..
after class, the nice lady who teaches it, wanted to see my arm.
I was afraid as i have SI scars, but showed her the top part
Ive looked up online what it could be and never went to the doctor, as i hate going, and i popped all the blisters and put cream on them
She thinks it could be psoriasis-
My dad had psoriasis and i believe it was stress related - from his childhood and from living with my mother and his own trauma responses.
He uses cream from the doctor but never dealt with the underlying stress so it hasnt gone away.

Don't know if it has anything to do with the fact that i have been having father fantasies of this older guy who was quite *fatherly* to me, and we accidentally brushed arms. Then the irritation came out on me.
But i think it may be stress related.

I freaked out  - and due to the letter i received- and was trying to go about at the centre I was really struggling to hold it together, the tears just kept comming - so i went to the bathroom and stayed in their for ages crying.
Don't know whats happening to me. Could be all the feelings i surpassed and keep supressing- it just happens beyond my control via disassociation.
Could be it seems stress and emotional issues are coming out via skin issues. Guess they always find a way.
I never wanted psoriasis. I guess i  never wanted to be like my dad for many reasons- I'm so mad at him at the moment...
Its just verification that my body is not well - but i was hesitant to change that as it is validation for me that i need to look after myself- all scary things, and i cant relax for fear something bad will happen.

Im too scared to go to the doctor.
If i went i should take about adrenal fatigue and digestive issues- possible IBS.
don't know how to get over my fear of being invalidated and disbelieved and not helped.
Think this skin thing which i was happily ignoring just brought up all those feelings that i keep surpassing- and i have had a reminder of invalidation where I'm living from one staff member recently.
Im just sad.
I don't understand this sudden bout of unstoppable tears. Its as though my body is trying to relate stress built up.
Worried for sure about the letter but i  think i should put it aside for tomorrow as I'm not in a good emotional state.

Just needed to offload that. if you read till the end- thanks.
Does any one have any suggestion of how to get over my doctor fear?

[sanmagic7]

sienna, perhaps those are tears of release, full of toxins that are leaving your body.  besides which, you have a lot on your plate right now, what with bureaucratic issues plus physical issues.  those are difficult jungles to navigate, full of frustration, anger, and sadness.

i also suffer from psoriasis and ibs, and i'm sure they're stress-related, at least in my case.  part of what i've been working on is reducing my stress by various means.  while much of my physical stuff has subsided, some of it still lingers.  i don't know if it will ever go away.

the doc might help you by prescribing creams for the itching/flaking/blisters.  maybe there is some new stuff out that helps more than that.  i don't know.  i use tea tree oil on mine (altermative medicine store) and it does help with the itching. 

i encourage you to go to the doc to find out the true condition you're dealing with, and, hopefully, get something that will help you with it.  best to you on all of this. 

[Sienna]

Hey sanmagic, thanks for reading and replying, and for understanding.

Im sorry to hear that you suffer from psoriasis and ibs too.

part of what i've been working on is reducing my stress by various means.  while much of my physical stuff has subsided, some of it still lingers.  i don't know if it will ever go away.

It definitely sounds like you have been working very hard- i know you have- with your trauma work and with trying to improve your body's health.
I don't know much about why medical issues don't go away quickly or ever, but i do wonder if there may be a psychological component to the lastingness of physical symptoms.
Perhaps there is more inside of you yet to get outlet, perhaps a part of you isn't ready to let go of the physical issues.
I have heard that- and it might not be true- that a lack of support - for whatever reason, can manifest in physical issues.
I do hope it clears up for you.

I have had the physical issues for as long * i can remember, only they increased when i came to the refuge. It was uncomfortable, but know its not an issue- only that I'm possibly unhealthy inside, but I'm used to my stomach feeling inflamed.
Maybe there is a part of me who longs to be taken care of, and a part of me who needs validation that i should take care of myself better - that something is wrong inside.
And like my usual pattern- i wont go to the doctor. Push pull.

I used tea tree too- but the soap, as i thought there is possibility of infection- what with the blisters.
I dont have the money right now to afford buying over the counter creams...so if i do go, i hope they tell me some natural alternatives- and i don't like animal testing either...maybe i could just google it though.
Thank you for the recommendation if it is psoriasis.

Thank you very much Sanmagic. How are you doing? I know youve had a super tough time lately. 

[writetolife]

Hello there,

I've had psoriasis my whole life.  MG217 is a relatively inexpensive OTC cream that works for a lot of people. 

This whole thing about it being related to stress is totally new to me.  I had no idea.  Now I'm trying to think about when it set in and what was happening in my life...

[sanmagic7]

thanks, writetolife for the suggestion.  i've read that psoriasis, like so many of our illnesses/disorders, is an issue dealing with our immune systems going haywire, and that, yes, it can be connected to stress.  when i researched a little about psoriasis, it said that it had to do with an overactive inflammatory response that causes more than the usual amount of skin cells to be produced. 

and sienna, i'm doing better lately, thanks.  i hope you get some relief from your problems very soon. 

[Sienna]

Writetolife,

Thank you for recommending a cream.
I hope you can figure out when your psoriasis started. Im not sure if its always stress related, but the internet says stress can cause it.

[Sienna]

San magic, thank you, and i do hope you are ok. We and I, are here for you. Feel free to write on this thread should you wish ..

[Dutch Uncle]

Does any one have any suggestion of how to get over my doctor fear?

I'm not sure and this may be a long shot, but doctors/GP's have most probably seen psoriasis and SI-scars more than you (or I) can imagine. With a bit of luck, (s)he'll be reassuringly calm about it all.

Perhaps a personal story of mine might help (too?): almost to the day two years ago I phoned the emergency-GP-hotline to make sure I would go to my GP for my alcoholism. The following monday I went, shamed as a I was, and told him my story. I was so anxious to get it fixed instantly, yet he said: "Mr. Uncle, by the sound of it you have been in this state for many years. I understand you want to get it fixed today or tomorrow, but likely it will take a while." Not the message I wanted to hear, but it rang true even then. And his reassuringly, nonjudgemental calmness helped.
I assume he has seen many alcoholics/addicts prior to me. He knows 'the deal'.
Look where I am two years later: hanging out on a board for cPTSD. And getting better!

 

[Sienna]

Dutch, I'm so glad you are here *hanging out on a board for Cptsd!* That made me laugh. 
Thank you so much for your input and for sharing your experiences.

Dutch, I'm sorry to hear about your experience.
It does sound like they don't want to help you or that they don't see it as important, where as i thought that the longer you had been in that state and that you were finally asking for help- they would help you because all the years of damage.
You were so coragous to go to your doc.

I had a similar happen too, - the receptionist asked one time if what i wanted to see the doctor for was an emergency and i said i didnt know Told her what it was as i had to for her to decide and she though it was.
Doc said not an emergency and i explained receptionist though it was, and i was more concerned about what he thought of me than getting sorted.
I felt like such an inconvenience - they were very hostile at that sugary.
Had bad experiences with doctors- literally not being listened to when asking for therapy, saying i didnt need it, and one prodding me even though i said yes, it hurts.

Switched because of that.
Last doc i went to was nice. He put me on the list for long term therapy, though the wait was too long so i went private.
But i didnt go back for a follow up appointment as i freaked out. -He wanted to know how i was doing after me telling him why i wanted therapy. Really nice. Then i kept canceling. I felt like such a time waster.

Think i can back now despite that- but I'm scared of being invalidated and admitting I'm struggling is like a huge challenge for me. Im scared of being emotionally hurt - and its been re-triggered maybe due to one staff member invalidating and the other saying that I'm always fine, so we have nothing to talk about, before i even opened my mouth- and being honest is a struggle for me to begin with.

Not as worried about the SH as there are no fresh cuts and they are slowly fading. Thank you Dutch. Im just not sure i can afford it what with the money situation being a complete mess at the moment and i went for tests before and they found nothing wrong. i think more specialist testing might be needed if adrenal issues, as normal blood tests don't pick up on cortisol levels etc. and knowing my own subconscious stuff- it seems to project the outcome onto the outside world and i don't know how to control it.

Sorry if that was too much. Appreciate your support and understanding more than i could ever express. 

[Dutch Uncle]

Had bad experiences with doctors

Me too. Especially in childhood.
We (as FOO) had a terrible dentist too. Who was found to be far-sighted, yet never got any glasses. No fun. My neighbors sued him, my parents didn't. I still have poor dentistry, as my miserly parents thought braces weren't necessary: "It will all grow right in the end." Ehrmm...  No its hasn't.

Since then I have found better GP's (as with the example I've given), with dentists it has been "one up, one down".
If you can, 'shop' for GP's. Which can be near to impossible, I know all too well from personal experience.
And stay with one you trust and can confide in, even if it does take "a mile" to get to them.

I hope your skin condition will get the proper care it can. In any case: your skin says nothing about your inside! At the very least it does not determine your inside.

 

[Sienna]

Oh Dutch, I'm sorry you had bad experiences in your childhood with doctors, and what happened to your teeth really sucks. Its horrible to have things forced on you that turns out- as an adult - are undoable.
That would put fear for the dentist into anyone! I hope you can find better ones if you don't have a good one right now.
 

Im wondering why its so up and down with the dentist.

Thank you for your advice, and..

your skin says nothing about your inside! At the very least it does not determine your inside.

Thanks so much Dutch. Im actually more like my mother than my dad...i think i was just upset that i had some skin thing up...and i knew from my dad that psoriasis is never something i wanted...
i was just having a bad day yesterday so i was super emotional-
i wouldnt normally ever be like this over a skin complaint.

I take your posts very seriously Dutch, when you share your stuff, but at the same time, i just love the way you word things. The way you seem to inject humour into what you are saying does make me chuckle, though i can still see the seriousness behind it. 

[Dutch Uncle]

Im wondering why its so up and down with the dentist.

since you ask...
This has solely to do with the fact that the dentist office I go to has seen the dentists come and go.

***trigger warning on dentistry***
It started out more or less OK (as far as going to the dentist is ever OK, LOL) , then it got taken over by a South-African (I could tell by his use of language. More so than the fact he was black) who said I had "difficult teeth". LOL. He actually started to file one down in order to get to something else. 
My next half-year appointment (could be more) he had been replaced by (sold the business to?) a German. Again going by his 'accent'. At some point with him I had broken a molar, which he couldn't distract, since it already had been broken. He had to send me off to a dental surgeon.
This molar had been a sore spot for many years (I think from the time of my original dentist, so a decade or so), and an ever present sort of 'whining' pain in my jaw. Originally a pain that send me through the roof. They did investigate thoroughly at the time. X-rays and all that. Couldn't find a thing. After a week or  so it became just a "pain in the background".

I remember well when after the dental surgeon pulled it, within half a day or so I realized: "Wow! Wonderful! The background pain is gone! Hallelujah!" And I could actually even feel that through the pain of having the molar pulled. 

[Sienna]

Oh, i see. yes, that would do it

This has solely to do with the fact that the dentist office I go to has seen the dentists come and go.

May say a lot about what its like to work at the surgery there.

It started out more or less OK (as far as going to the dentist is ever OK, LOL) , then it got taken over by a South-African (I could tell by his use of language. More so than the fact he was black) who said I had "difficult teeth". LOL. He actually started to file one down in order to get to something else. 

Omg! i cant believe that! Sounds so...terrible with words to his patients...and incompetent...you just don't say that to someone...how can teeth be difficult? ..i was laughing to myself reading this on the bus i must say.-just at what he said- not how you must of felt.
It sounds more like his incompetence than something being wrong with your teeth.
(my mother used to say that i have odd sized feet when i had to get my feet measured for shoes as a kid!)

I remember your broken molar story. Ouch!
Its terrible that you just had to live with the pain for so long. So long that you blocked out the pain in order to live with it. And the doc didnt even know so just left it!
Its not surprising that you don't end up with much faith in the medical community after experiences such as these.

Im glad you got it taken out...eventually! and your amazing for going back.