Wonder why I ever go home

[Marja]

Since my dad's memorial service in the Spring, I've felt like my family has died too.

I haven't heard from my siblings since the memorial [to include my birthday which I mentioned in a previous post]. Honestly, I'm willing to let them go. They were the source of my abuse, and I'm ready to heal and move forward. The problem is my mother still wants us to be a family even though she knows we'll never be happy, so she's always trying to fix things between us.

In a few weeks, as executor of my dad's estate, I'll be going up to help my mom with a few things. I'm looking forward to seeing her, but I realize I'm eating too many comfort foods, and drinking more alcohol than usual. I guess I'm feeling anxious.

I meditate to relax, but don't know how to tell my brain that the visit will be okay. I dread any talk about my siblings, but know it'll come up, especially with the holidays around the corner. My mom doesn't know about the abuse, and I have no intention of ever telling her. But I don't know how to explain that I can't see my siblings anymore... that it's just not good for my mental health.

[sanmagic7]

sometimes the simplest way is the best.  'i'm having some issues, and i want to take a break from the sibs for awhile'.   don't have to point fingers, or explain.  if she asks what issues, again, simple - 'i'm not comfortable talking about them right now.  i have some figuring out to do.  not to worry, it'll be ok.' 

i hope it goes well when you see everyone.  good luck and best to you.

[radical]

I agree with San Magic.
I dread the annual visit, but one thing I realised in the aftermath of my father's death last year, is that as the family scapegoat, and with a few exceptions, I have nothing to lose.  I can be different and they still won't like me, but I can feel better.  it's easier said than done though, because the conditioning runs deep.  This year I'm going to make sure I'm never stranded with family.  i will rent a car and go and stay with friends and break it up.  I need to have some control because being stuck leads to the old patterns reasserting themselves after a while.
I'm sorry things are hard.  I understand how hard they can be from my own situation.
Take care of you!

[Dee]

I recently told my sister I need a break.  We got into a few arguments and I felt horrible after and thought why am I doing this?  So I told her I am not mad, I'm not trying to punish anyone, I just need a break.  I felt a little bad because for the first time I can remember she apologized.  She never apologizes to anyone, but then she is never wrong.  I think that was a big thing, but it didn't mean I don't need a break.

My sister would like to see me and my parents have a fake relationship.  I think she feels they are old and doesn't want me to regret my relationship with them.  But, this isn't what I want so I am not going to.

I've had a difficult month, at best, and for the first time I can remember I am asking myself, "what do I want?"  It is called self-care.  I think from now on I will always ask myself what do I want.  I am finding it empowering and I recommend it.

[Three Roses]

I think I'll try that, Dee - thanks for pointing it out!

[Marja]

My sister would like to see me and my parents have a fake relationship.  I think she feels they are old and doesn't want me to regret my relationship with them.  But, this isn't what I want so I am not going to.

Dee, thanks for the reply. I can relate. My sister would rather pretend the family is happy together. Two years ago, I told her I needed a break. The following January, she contacted me to ask when we could get together for an after Christmas celebration. I had a full blown panic attack which resulted in my diagnosis of cPTSD, and beginning recovery.

This year, after my dad's memorial, I told them that I've changed. And while I don't expect them to accommodate me, I hope they understand that I can't go back to pretending I'm content with the old family dynamics. We'll see... I will remember to keep asking myself "What do I want?"

[Marja]

I dread the annual visit, but one thing I realised in the aftermath of my father's death last year, is that as the family scapegoat, and with a few exceptions, I have nothing to lose.  I can be different and they still won't like me, but I can feel better.

I too was and still am the scapegoat of my FOO. Your attitude helps me look at the situation in a more positive light. Thank you!

[Marja]

sometimes the simplest way is the best.  'i'm having some issues, and i want to take a break from the sibs for awhile'.

Sanmagic, thanks for your reply. My mom is supportive when she's away from my sibs, so I'm sure that'll be enough.