delayed realizations - any opinions?

[sanmagic7]

5 days ago i posted about a trigger for my inner child.  i'm not attempting to bring up anything that has already happened and/or been discussed, but i want to delve into the concept of my inner child further for my own knowledge and understanding.

it wasn't until this morning that i realized exactly why my inner child got triggered that day.  i've been thinking about all this for nearly a week, and it wasn't until today that i finally understood it.  during everything that went on, i found myself doing what i've done for years and years - being stuck, unable to understand or explain exactly why i felt the way i did.  i knew something didn't feel right for me, but i couldn't quite articulate what it was in any coherent fashion, couldn't pinpoint why i was bothered.

hence, i let out bits and pieces as we went along, but i still knew something wasn't quite hitting my inner child's consciousness.  i became extremely uncomfortable along the way, and was greatly relieved when it was ended.  still, the wheels kept churning in my mind.

like i said, it was finally this morning that it all came together for me, and i could consciously understand what went on with me.  this 'fault' of mine, this time lag to understanding, has been with me a long time.  many times during conversations i 'know' or 'feel' something, but, since i can't always explain it at the time, the issue feels unresolved for me.  the conversation continues, but i'm already lost.  it isn't until anywhere from hours to days later that i'm able to put together a cohesive thought and understanding about what i had wanted to explain.  by that time anyone else has already moved on, and i feel not understood once more and frustrated.

i'm wondering if this is a c-ptsd thing?  a brain processing thing?  could it be from fear of speaking my voice?  the idea that a child's comprehension can't keep up with an adult conversation?  something else that i'm not familiar with?  i've had the same problem with emotions, especially anger (altho that's finally getting better), where it isn't until days later that i realize how i really felt about something ( it used to take years - and sometimes that's still the case!).  i know the anger thing was because it wasn't allowed, and i'd repressed all anger for most of my life.

this inner child phenomenon is new for me, its recognition and its meaning.  the time lag to understanding really bothers me - it seemed that everyone else had a handle on what exactly was going on, how they felt about it, and i was both amazed and feeling lost at the same time, even while continuing to post as if i knew what i was doing.  i didn't.  i just knew something had happened re: my inner child, but i couldn't really explain it.  this is continuing to bother me, tho, which is why i decided to write.  i'm hoping someone can shed some light on this for me.  thanks. 

[movementforthebetter]

Sanmagic7, I just read this the other day and I think it may help. It was quite a lightbulb moment for me although not a perfect fit. Sorry in advance for the long passage, but I think almost all of this section is relevant. This could very well be triggering, so be in a grounded place when you decide to read through it. From page 100-101 of The Body Keeps The Score:

"... alexithymia - Greek for not having words for feelings. Many traumatized children and adults simply cannot describe what they are feeling because they cannot identify what their physical sensations mean. They may look furious but deny that they are angry; they may appear terrified but say that they are fine. Not being able to discern what is going on inside their bodies causes them to be out of touch with their needs, and they have trouble taking care of themselves, whether it involves eating the right amount at the right time or getting the sleep they need.

... alexithymics substitute the language of action for that of emotion. When asked "How would you feel if you saw a truck coming at you at eighty miles per hour?" most people would say, "I'd be terrified" or "I'd be frozen with fear". An alexithymic might reply, "How would I feel? I don't know... I'd get out of the way." They tend to register emotions as physical problems rather than signals that something deserves their attention. Instead of feeling angry or sad, they experience muscle pain, bowel irregularities, or other symptoms for which no cause can be found. About three quarters of patients with anorexia nervosa, and more than half of all patients with bulimia, are bewildered by their emotional feelings and have great difficulty describing them. When researchers showed pictures of angry or distressed faces to people with alexithymia, they could not figure out those people were feeling.

... They had learned to shut down their once overwhelming emotions, and, as a result, they no longer recognized what they were feeling. Few of them had any interest in therapy.

... Frewen and his colleague Ruth Lanius found that the more out of touch people were with their feelings, the less activity they had in the self-sensing areas of the brain.

Because traumatized people often have trouble sensing what's going on in their bodies, they lack a nuanced response to frustration. They either react to stress by becoming "spaced-out" or with excessive anger. Whatever their response, they often can't tell what is upsetting them. This failure to be in touch with their bodies contributes to the well-documented lack of self-protection and high rates of revictimization and also to their remarkable difficulties feeling pleasure, sensualty' and having a sense of meaning.

People with alexithymia can only get better by learning to recognize the relationship between their physical sensations and their emotions, much as colourblind people can only enter the world of colour by learning to distinguish and appreciate shades of gray. Like...[certain]... patients, they are usually reluctant to do that: Most seem to have made an unconscious decision that it is better to keep visiting doctors and treating ailments that don't heal than do the painful work of facing the demons of the past."

If you feel like any of this fits you, because you are here, you are one of the ones who is willing to do the work ans face their past. I think the slowness in processing comes from how difficult it is for us to identify our feelings and how strenuous it is. I imagine over time it would get faster, with practice and familiarity.

Hope I'm not way off the mark here but this was such am important passage for me, and your issue is one I struggle with as well.

[movementforthebetter]

Also I am not sure we always want the realizations faster! It can be so overwhelming doing the work that I'm sure processing time must partially be a defense machanism... Just haven't found the quote that proves it yet. 

[Sandstone]

I cant shed any light on it but i think i can relate. Most of the time for me im on auto pilot.  During conversations and interactions. Its hard to explain. Its only later when  i can process stuff but by then like you said its too late and things have moved on.
I feel quite numb most times until later. Delayed reactions.

Mftb, yes i can definitely relate to alexithyma. I feel stupid or dumb because of it. My t tried to ask how i felt and i just looked blank and didnt know.
Sorry didnt mean to hijack. Thanks for posting.

I

[Three Roses]

P. 43 - 44 TBKTS: "Broca's area is one of the speech centers of the brain....Without a functioning Broca's area, you cannot put your thoughts and feelings into words. Our scans showed that Broca's area went offline whenever a flashback was triggered....
   "When words fail, haunting images capture the experience and return as nightmares and flashbacks. In contrast.., Brodmann's area 19 lit up in our participants. .... Under ordinary conditions raw images registered in area 19 ate rapidly diffused to other brain areas that interpret the meaning of what has been seen. Once again, we were witnessing a brain region rekindled add if the trauma were actually occurring."

Really fascinating, our brains!

[sanmagic7]

omg!!! (no hijacking discovered, sandstone.  glad you weighed in)

mftb, that hit me right on the tip of my nose, and i burst into tears before i read 2 sentences.  triggered, but in a good way - i have a name for it now, a reason, a meaning.  that fits me to a 't'.  thank you so much!!!

wow!  and dang!
(cuss word wanted here, but i learned my lesson!  lol!!!) 

i remember doing an exercise in couples therapy, maybe 30 yrs. ago.  it was an 'and how did you feel about that?'  first i said 'i don't know', then she said (that icky therapist who should've figured out something was wrong here - this was a major breach in our coupleship) 'c'mon, you must've felt something'. i came up with 'hurt' and 'sad',  in a very quiet voice, and i didn't have the faintest clue there was anything else.  it was only a few years ago that i was able to recognize the anger, the disgust, the pain, and everything else that went with it. 

and, with this newbie t that i've been seeing, we actually skimmed this concept - i'd told her that i had trouble accessing my emotions at the time of something happening, and she said, 'but you do have emotions, right?' and i said that yeah, now i do, and then she dismissed the whole alexthymic concept.  so, you've shone the light on this for me.  dang, again!  this is so huge for me, i can't thank you enough.  you nailed it! 

those were tears of relief, by the by, releasing toxins of confusion and every other awful thought i might have had about this.  good tears.  i may cry about this the rest of the day, and i'm going to look up more about it as well.  i didn't think i wanted to learn about anything more, but i was wrong.  thank you, thank you, thank you.  you're beautiful!  i just want to throw love to you, to you, sandstone, to everyone within reach.  i'm so grateful, i don't have enough words. 

i was actually scared to post about this, like someone was gonna tell me to just let it alone, it's over, taken care of, quit bringing up old crap that's been dealt with, quit stepping on toes, or editing it somehow.  i'm so glad i didn't listen to those voices (there were a lot of them).  this explains so much.  i've been convinced for awhile that my body has been holding this crap for me, which is why i'd gotten the trigger-point massage therapist to release it.  and, there has been a ton, and i know there's still more.  but, i know it's been making me sick, and i want done with it, no matter how painful (physically, emotionally, or mentally) it might be.  wow!  this lays so much to rest.  did i say 'thank you'?

i finished this before i saw what you wrote, 3 roses.  omg, again!!!  so, it is part of the brain being out of whack, too.  wowser bowser.  love wrapped around you as well for this insight.  i'm frickin' amazed that i've been able to function at all!  but now it's so obvious why i've had so much trouble with this.  i was in my 30's during that counseling session, and before beginning therapy i just never dealt with anything under the surface - i simply floated through life without opinions, without any 'meat' to add to any subject being discussed cuz i never felt any which way about anything or anyone, except in a superficial manner.  whoa!  thank you, 3 roses.  you are all so darling to help me with this.  i'm overflowing with emotion at this moment.

[sanmagic7]

and, that's exactly what i would say, even today, if someone asked me the truck question - i'd get out of the way.  emotions overridden by action.  that's my entire life. 

[Three Roses]

I think we all need something to make us laugh! Here's a cockatoo that needs a good talking-to!

(Don't watch if you don't like to see angry birds getting stuff off their chests.)

http://www.viralvo.com/cockatoo/?r=cb

[sanmagic7]

i just took an online alexithymic test.  yep, rated high.  you were right on.  and now, at least i know, and that gives me a huge sense of ease. 

and, i'll look at the cockatoo immediately.  definitely, i could use a laugh.  thanks!

[sanmagic7]

that bird took the words right out of my mouth about all this!  hilarious!

[sanmagic7]

ok, after that initial emotional outburst, it's taken nearly 2 hrs. for the import of this revelation to even begin to sink in.  i may need to rest with this for awhile.  i feel heavily weighted inside.  what emotions that might entail, i have no idea. 

[Three Roses]

Wiki says about alexithymia that about 10% of the population exhibits symptoms, and ... "Furthermore, individuals with alexithymia have difficulty in distinguishing and appreciating the emotions of others, which is thought to lead to unempathic and ineffective emotional responding." Honestly idk if this fits, for you.

[sanmagic7]

i read that, too.  until just a while ago, it fit perfectly.  it's why i was able to distance myself so well as a therapist, (i don't think i could do my job very well anymore - there are fewer and fewer posts i can read without extreme emotions, and i've begun reading fewer and fewer because i'm having a harder time dealing with the pain of others.) why i wore arrogance like a cloak - i was so action-oriented, i expected everyone else to be that way, too.  'just do something about it like i have' or 'you're an adult - if you want something, ask/you can take care of yourself.  i have'  would go thru my mind in support groups, or i just couldn't relate to their suffering, their hesitation, their fear.  i taught therapeutic groups before i was a therapist, and my boss, (that horrible therapist) told me that i had no compassion.  she was right about that, but when she told me, i didn't understand what she was talking about, didn't know what compassion was, what it meant, what it looked or felt like.

i could understand, encourage, be patient, work my therapeutic 'magic' in sessions  - those were my clients and i did my job well.  but, on a personal level, i couldn't relate, got frustrated (still do in personal relationships) just want people to take care of themselves cuz i don't understand what they're going thru, thought that if i said the right word, did the right thing i could get someone to take the action they (in my mind) needed to take.  it's why i continue to work so hard on this stuff - the need to be doing something about it.  why i look so courageous - i haven't, for the most part, felt that fear that others feel.  it's just started coming out in a few of these posts.  and it surprised me to feel it.

it all fits, 3 roses.   i was never empathetic before, until i began breaking down, until i had no more room to hold it in.  but, i still can't recognize or name how i feel about this, even now.  not yet.  my chest is extremely tight and my neck hurts from the pain of it.  but i don't have a clue as to the emotions behind that.  this totally sucks.  but it's right on the money.  and i'm having a hard time sitting with it.  i don't know what to 'do' !!!  do being the operative word.  thanks for your concern.  i so appreciate all of you.  before, i would've never written that, cuz it would never have occurred to me that anyone might want to hear that.  i'm on my best, polite, mannerly behavior here, so i make myself remember such niceties.  it's not that i don't care, but it doesn't compute.  yet, like i said before, i've been a validation junkie forever.  so very focused on me and what i need - a survival thing, i'm sure.  makes me want to cry.  so, sad is there.   good night.

[Three Roses]

 

[movementforthebetter]

Ooooh for what it's worth I didn't post it to diagnose or self-diagnose (but I am guilty on that count, myself). I found it mostly relatable.

For what it's worth, I omitted a bit in posting. He used an example about his aunt I took out, and a couple smaller bits I didn't feel like typing.

I am glad you can relate to it, but yeah, I think of this more as a signpost I'm on the right path, and that there are in fact trails that others have marked!

Three Roses - Broca's area - yes! Forgot about that. It's fascinating for sure.