delayed realizations - any opinions?

[meursault]

You're really inspiring, sanmagic.  It is a battle too!  It must be the nature of this stuff, I guess, how we can see it so clearly for other people how hard it is, but for ourselves that compassion is so hard to find.  What is it?  Is it because we came from environments where we were taught and shown how we aren't allowed to have boundaries, protect ourselves, etc?  How it was punishable to think it was wrong, and we were taught it was right and natural to view ourselves as "less than"?  How it was so normalized?  And then years of well-meaning friends undermining with their assumptions and advice, and invalidation from professionals reinforcing that it's just a failure on our parts and "normal" people could deal with it.  I really think that one of the biggest hurdles is dealing with that belief:  what we are going through is just natural and normal and deserved, and it's not "so bad" that we are allowed to take our own suffering seriously enough to give ourselves the care we really need.

You're dealing with tons of stuff right now.  And you're handling it really well.  Goes to show how strong you are with it all...

Meursault

[Wife#2]

San, I hope today is a good day for you, friend. Praying for just enough strength to get through this day for you. And enough hope to look forward to your trip.

Meursault, I have some ideas on why and how these things become 'normalized', but will post elsewhere so as to not hijack this thread.

[sanmagic7]

thank you both for your kind words and wishes and prayers.  i need them all now, just get me through this day, i'll start over tomorrow. 

meursault, from what i know, our brains have been wired wrongly by others, so we see and experience the world and ourselves in it differently from 'normal' people.  all that you mentioned has gone into the incorrect wiring and further damage, which makes it even more difficult to see both ourselves and the world clearly and correctly.  i think that once we are able to get to the point that we can know this, we are able to fight it differently, more efficiently, more cleanly.  we are able to put our anger where it belongs, along with the guilt, shame, and every other neg. feeling we have about ourselves, onto the people who have done this crapola to us.  it's on them, not on us, no matter who told us differently.

wife2, as always, many thanks.  i will get thru today in part because of you.  my sights are set on leaving the 19th.  i made my daughter and her 2 roomies a god's eye (ojo de dios) for their place.  i made myself one a long time ago, and it hangs over our bed.  it was started by an indigenous tribe in the sierra madre mountains, and is said to bring protection to the entire house and all who live there, as well as a seeing and knowing of what might be yet unknown.  if i could, i would make one for everyone here, if they wanted it.  in the meantime, the battle rages on.

[Wife#2]

What a thoughtful gift for your daughter! I will continue my daily prayers for enough strength, love, friendship, kindness and health to get you through each day. 

[sanmagic7]

thank you wife2 - you are part of those prayers in action.  bless you for all your support and kindness.