delayed realizations - any opinions?

[sanmagic7]

very scared. 

[Three Roses]

Why are you scared? 

[movementforthebetter]

Hugs. You are strong. 

[Sandstone]

    

[sanmagic7]

ummm . . .  i don't quite know what to say.  this is making me sick.  i talked to my best friend, 20 yrs., also dealing w/ c-ptsd, she confirmed for me how she's felt my distance and seeming coolness when she would describe what's going on with her, as well as how i'd stammer and stutter when she'd ask how i was doing/feeling.  my brain doesn't work the way it's supposed to, and my emotional mind is broken because of that.  the research i've done talks about how alexithymia is often part of autism (but i really don't fit within the autism parameters, from what i can tell), and often part of addictions - the eating disorders as mentioned above (but mine would be eating to bury the feelings) and substance abuse from which i'm recovering.

there is no dsm heading for alexithymia, either, like there isn't for c-ptsd.  in the netherlands again.  i've got a call in to my t, but i'm sure she hasn't a clue.  if it isn't in the book, she doesn't know jack.

scared because i don't know how to be broken, don't know how to just 'be'.  reading up on this, peope who took the diagnostic wanted to know how to get rid of the bad feelings (me, too).  none of them in this study wanted to know how to deal with them.  can't self-soothe, the feelings trigger unhealthy behaviors almost immediately.  i found myself wanting a cigarette yesterday.  i didn't.

other feelings that have popped up are confusion, guilt, shame, hurt, anger, unease, discomfort, feeling stuck, don't know what to do with myself, feel like running, jumping out of my skin, leaving, anxiety, worry - and probably more,  there are so many, and i don't know how to just be with them.  one article said that one way to deal with this is to love, play, and be.  i do love easily.  most of the things i like as far as playing goes aren't available here.  i don't know how to be.  this will take awhile.  thanks for the hugs, concern, and support.  love you all.

[Three Roses]

 

You're awesome! So glad you are here. 

[sanmagic7]

back atcha.  you made me smile.  to say that to me when i'm such a mess is what's awesome, 3 roses.  wow!  still smiling.  feeling calmer.  i talked to my brother about this, he was great, too.  still loves me, even if i'm broken. 

my girlfriend pointed out to me last nite - i'm remembering this now - that my husband is broken, too.  he got polio when he was 3, can't walk w/o a brace on his leg and crutches, but he's managed to adapt with that 'broken' leg that will never be fixed.  today, that's making sense to me.  i think i'll make it, altho i'm still a little shaky.  one step at a time.  thank you.

[movementforthebetter]

Hi Sanmagic7, glad to hear you are feeling better.  All these layers. It's a lot to take in.

[sanmagic7]

you're right about that, mftb.  i'm still unsure how to be able to communicate during conversations.  it happened yesterday w/ my daughter, and i only realized it afterwards what happened.  i really do take cues from what others say, how they're expressing themselves, what they're feeling in order to get some semblance of what i'm supposed to be feeling, or what i might be feeling.  now that i'm aware of it, it's rather a strange phenomenon to grasp.  it's such a total disconnect within me.  i understand that with time and practice, the brain, and it's neuroplasticity, can repair itself, but at my age, i don't know that that's possible anymore.  so, i think what might be best for me is to accept this as is, and attempt more mindfulness.  maybe i can catch it more quickly, correct, adjust, stop myself.  we'll see.

[sanmagic7]

my little me is now cowering in a corner in the pit of my stomach.  i just finished posting a few responses, and felt very shaky.  i don't trust myself, my adult self, so it's difficult for little sannyswee to trust that i'm going to take care of her.

i talked to my hub about it, he said it explains a lot about some of my past behavior.  like, we have a discussion about something, he goes on his way thinking it's all over, and 3 days later i have more to say, and he didn't understand why i was still bringing it up.  what i don't understand is why he hasn't bailed on me, even tho in the past 6 mos. i most earnestly gave him the chance to leave this madness.  must be love.  i just wish i could feel it!  it must feel incredible!  *sobbing at the thought - this is so sad to me.  just awful!*

i reached out to the emdr community that i belong to, and a past moderator gave me 2 different specific activities to try which might help the faulty connections in my brain.  and, i thought more about the idea of being broken like my hub's leg is broken, but when i talked to him about it, i realized that it's not the same, not to me, at least.  he was able to put a brace on his leg, and use crutches to get around.  maybe not like people with 2 good legs, but could still get around.  i have no brace or crutches for what's going on in my head.  this is my communication, a life and means that i have cherished.  it's not feeling physical to me right now, altho i guess it is.  i don't know.  this sucks.   

and i tried another exercise that i read about online, that of being still and asking myself 'what am i feeling?'.  after a feeling came to mind, the next question was to be 'why am i feeling this?'  the woman who wrote this said that in 'just 10 minutes a day, you can fix your alexithymia'.  well, i spent a half hour waiting for a feeling, and none came.  but, when i thought of her saying it'll only take 10 min. a day, i got annoyed.  but, i needed that trigger first.  i don't know.  i guess i'll just keep working on this as i'm able.  meanwhile, my little me will just have to survive this.  i can't help her right now.

[movementforthebetter]

You are helping her by doing this work. It just might not feel much like it at this moment. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, mftb.  you may be right.  hard to tell from this end at the moment.  sucky feeling.  this one is new to me.

[sanmagic7]

dribbles of realizations are coming in.  i know now that i was angry about what happened, and that i did feel singled out unfairly.  this last just came to me as i wrote it.  this is just so strange.

my little me is more curious than cowering at the moment.  i got some suggestions for dealing with this from the emdr list of which i'm a member - and i also told them about alexithymia, what it can look like in a client, what to be aware of.  several very positive responses for the info.  i'm still wrapping my head around the whole thing.  i got a coloring book and crayons today, just to see what my little me would do, how she would react.  i used to love to color.  i noticed several shoulds about the way i was doing it, which actually surprised me.  it wasn't very much fun with the shoulds in there.  i think, tho, that i'm getting more ammo for this beast.  slowly, so slowly . . .   i really don't want to deal with all this anymore!

[sanmagic7]

i fired my therapist last night.  i feel clean about it - had checked out her behavior with my hub and my best friend, and they agreed with me that she was wrong.  one thing she did do was got me to feel angry, so that was a good thing.  i'd brought in info for her on alexithymia, explained my lack of being able to verbalize how i felt, and we had a long talk about hugs, probably 20 min.  she's never been a fan, would play the 'mexican culture' card on me (maybe it's different in the u.s., but here in mexico . . .) and i explained that the benefit of hugs was universal because it's been shown that caring touch generates those 'feel good' substances in the brain, and that hugs was one thing i could actually 'feel' - not just the touch but the feeling that goes along with it.  after all this talking, she ended the session.  i opened my arms (as usual - i'd been seeing her since jan., had to go on hiatus for 4 mos. because of the heat, and had asked for a hug at the end of each session.  she told me from the beginning that because i - the client - wanted/needed it, she would go along with it) and asked for a hug, and she told me that she was going to avoid hugs from now on, and refused to give me one.  i was frozen inside at this, left, and when i got back to my car it hit me that i was downright ticked off at her about this.  i felt like i had been blindsided.

when i got back home, i did some ranting and raving, checked in with my hub about this, and put in a call to her.  i told my hub that i was going to tell her i was mad at her, and she would give me one of two responses:   either she would say "good!  we got some emotion from you.  that's progress"  or she would ask me why i was mad.  a good therapist may have set me up in order to elicit that emotion, and that would have been a brilliant therapeutic maneuver, which i could have and would have accepted and appreciated.  i did tell my husband that i didn't think she was smart enough to do something like that, tho.  i was right.   when i told her, she asked me why, i said 'you don't know why?' , she said 'was it because of the hug?' and then i let her have it, told her she could have told me anywhere in that conversation that she'd decided she was really uncomfortable with hugs and didn't want to do that anymore, but she waited till the end of the session (which she also ended 15 min. early, and i don't know why) so i didn't want to see her anymore.  all she said was 'ok, sanmagic', and i hung up.  when i told my girlfriend, she started laughing, said, maybe she did it to get rid of me cuz she knew she was in way over her head.

my little me is impressed with me today.  and i began an exercise last night to overcome this alexithymia and all that has caused it.  it was empowering right from the beginning.  it is a process that an emdr therapist thought of to help me with this, and his generosity has impacted me greatly.  thank you, god, is all i can say about this man's willingness to help me.  and, the timing is perfect.  i believe someone mentioned putting this out to the universe, which is what i did, and the results are more than i could ever expect.  my little me is still in my belly, but she's not shaking and cowering with fright now.  she's waiting to see what else good will happen.  she feels hope about something, probably the first time i've ever felt hope.  i've had faith that things would turn out, that i would deal with whatever comes along, but part of this is that i've had no vision nor any planning for the future, so i never had/felt hope.  it's like a tiny sparkling star within my innards.  strange.

[sanmagic7]

did another piece of the exercise today, and realized how many levels and dimensions this has.  my little me feels fragmented, not whole.  i separated one part out of the 'whole' of alexithymia, and feel agitated and distressed.  i don't doubt this is part of the process, but i don't like feeling like this. 

the part i separated out was that i am afraid to speak my truth.  (whoa!  just realized that this hits directly at my original inner child post - i spoke my truth and terrible things happened.  i'm shaking inside right now with this thought, and on the verge of tears.  no wonder speaking my truth is frightening to me - terrible things happened too many times when i did.  this makes me want to hide my truth, makes my little me want to find a safe place, but it's not in truth.  it's in smiles, not rocking the boat, leaving things be.  my poor, dear little sweet sannyswee.  she's so scared.)

i bought a kid's coloring book and crayons, and the picture i colored after the first part of this exercise was a child 'lord and lady', all done with lovely colors.  the picture i colored today i began in a nice, little girl way, but ended up scribbling all over the picture.  it was of a bear bringing a flower to someone's house.  i'm sure the symbolism is running rampant here, but for now i'm going to collect my coloring pages and put them with the pages of my exercise.  we'll see where this leads. 

and it led to the realization above.  alice, i want to live in wonderland.