delayed realizations - any opinions?

[sanmagic7]

last nite my ex-t called my husband to apologize about what happened with me (why didn't she call me?  i think that's pretty crummy!), told him all the same stuff she told me about hugs not being part of the psychological relationship (phooey!) and said that the language barrier is too much and it's probably a good thing that she and i don't work together anymore.  i feel traumatized all over again.  another example of speaking my truth (about how important hugs are to me) and getting blasted for it.  i'm so sick of this!

so, today is my birthday, i'm 69, and i feel like crap.  i want to rip that little creep's head off, and don't feel like a birthday girl at all - and i'm an all-time birthday lover!!! 

the exercises i'm doing were suggested to me by a therapist friend, who happens to be an emdr trainer, and his take on all this is that i need to re-wire my brain, which is what the exercises are all about.  he also said re-wiring is much more difficult than when a brain is being wired originally.  lots more work ahead.  my little me is crying, very sad that this is all happening, and that we can't enjoy our day.  i'm sad, too.

i thought these were two places that were safe to be genuine in, and they both backfired on me.  this is making it a little tougher for me to get out of my people-pleasing mode, know that i can be genuine with how i think and feel and be safe about it.  that i don't have to take care of others first, be watchful for how others might think and feel, or what they might want.   and i'm nervous that by saying these things here that i'm doing something wrong all over again and will be somehow reprimanded for it.  i feel like i've been forcibly pushed back against a wall one more time.  sucks.  happy birthday to me. 

[meursault]

Well, Happy Birthday, anyhow!  Even if you're not feeling it...

I think that's a terrible thing for the therapist to do.  I hate how people think it's okay to do stuff behind my back, apparently "for my own good".  It's really being disregarded and I find it sends me the message that they think I cannot be reasoned with, so others will be enlisted to pressure me.  It just feels like more powerlessness and disregard.

For me, it's such a battle to just be able to feel I can say "This is what I feel.  I'm allowed to feel this." and I think that's something that people who have lived their lives always feeling as an innate right don't really understand.

It's like drowning in ice cold water, and when I desperately claw and scramble my way onto a sheet of ice, frozen and shaking, I'm just pushed off for standing on it unsafely or facing the wrong direction.  Generally by the same people who were shouting encouragement as I thrashed around in the water trying to get out.  (That feels grim.)

Keep believing you have a right to stand on the ice, Sanmagic!  If possible, we can swim around it like aggressive penguins, keeping people from pushing you off!

Meursault

[movementforthebetter]

Happy birthday Sanmagic7! I hope your day gets better.

[Wife#2]

Oh, San -   

Take a minute to tell ALL OF US (I'm sure I've stepped on toes, too) to CHILL OUT and let you BREATHE!

I do understand how things of late have made you feel hemmed in and cautious to express yourself. Ditto on that feeling.

My birthday is only a few days away and some birthdays just stink. I'm almost exactly 20 years younger than you. But I feel like a kid next to your wisdom and the willingness to work you've shown me these past few weeks/months.

My present to you is to remind you of all the things you are doing / have done right:

1) You do speak your truth to the fullest you feel confident.
2) You are consistent. Not easy to do, but you are!
3) You are kind. Always ready with a cyber-hankie for the rest of us.
4) You are strong. What you've survived would seem insurmountable to most folks. Just being here to share with us is a feat, really!
5) You are beautiful. It's kind of nice to not be caught up in physical looks around here, but your soul shines through and you ARE beautiful!
6) You are smart! Taking every nugget you can to expand your understanding, apply to your healing and then help the rest of us with what you learned!
7) You are generous. Opening your heart takes bravery (yes, you ARE brave) but it is also an incredible act of generosity. Allowing us to see into that beautiful heart and watch it clean and grow ~ I am in awe.

I am sorry that IC and you are having a horrid birthday. Grab a pillow and give her a big hug from Wife#2. Whisper into her hair that the mean people don't matter and that SHE does. Tell her happy birthday, from 1PM on - cause we're gonna dump those mean people out of our mind and celebrate what GREAT people San, San's IC and San's husband are!

[Three Roses]

Kick'em to the curb!! You deserve to celebrate your day, it's YOUR day!

A happy, happy birthday dear friend! Hit the pause button on everything else and let this day be a celebration for you and your Little Me!

[sanmagic7]

thank you all for the birthday wishes.  really.

meursault, that visual of those cool little penguins circling me on my behalf filled me with wonder and love.  what a beautiful birthday gift you gave me.  thanks for the support.  i needed it.   it is difficult to know how i feel, let alone say what i feel, and the thought that i have the right to feel like i do is almost like being spoken to in a foreign language!   still, with my league of penguins, i'll keep moving forward.  they are strengthening.

mftb, thank you, and i'll tell you the truth - i hope so, too, altho these wishes have helped.  i'd begun feeling like i was hanging out on a limb by myself.  it's good to know i'm not.

wife#2, what beautiful words and wishes from you, my libra sister.  your reminders are grand gifts, and so appreciated.  1 pm, huh?   truthfully, i don't know that i'm ready to do that, but i'll keep it in mind.   my little me will get that hug from you.  and we will all celebrate later our being together on this journey.  it's been made easier with the people like you and everyone else who has shown me support.  i'm grateful. 

oh, 3 roses, ever action-oriented!  great advice.  thank you for the fireworks.  i'll do my best.

it would be nice to breathe easy.  i don't know if i'm aware of how that feels.  i only realized consciously the other night that i never feel quite safe except when i'm getting a hug  from my hub.  those hugs make me want to simply melt into him.  incidents like these of late reinforce that uneasiness.  i now, just this minute,  truly understand and can feel what hypervigilance means.  it's not just around people, it's an all day, every day affair.  no wonder my body is always in pain - no wonder yoga isn't relaxing for me!  i do a bit of yoga stretching, but it hurts so much i can't relax with it.  still, i do it because i know my body needs those stretches.  this stuff is coming to me slowly, but it's coming with everyone's help.  i keep becoming aware of more and more through your words.  grand birthday gifts, indeed. 

i think i'll have another birthday next month!!!   lol!!!

[Sandstone]

Happy birthday sanmagic  sorry youre having a hard time at the moment.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, sandstone.  happily, it's ended on a good note, and i'm feeling better this evening.  lovely dinner and a fun movie with my hub, lots of birthday wishes from here and in the real world, and wonderful support from everyone.  you all made my day.  i'll always remember this birthday in a good way.  thank you all.

[sanmagic7]

re-wiring my brain through these exercises i've gotten, and i wanted to write it out.  i wrote an update to the therapist who is helping me long-distance, and my chest tightened up something fierce, so i thought i might be able to put some of that fear, i believe it is fear, here.  i'm feeling crummy from the stress reaction of my body, and i'm just continually reminding myself that this is a process, that my brain is undergoing a transition, and that's going to be stressful. 

fear of not knowing what this will feel like, fear of not knowing what to do, how to manage being able to feel my emotions (last night's exercise), it's such a big unknown to me, and right now i feel so sad that i have to go thru this.  i hate it!  i'm going to watch some tennis, just chill for awhile. 

plus i'm really sore from falling out of bed yesterday.  hopefully my massage lady can come tonight and fix me up.  i know it was quite a shock to my, and my entire back tightened up from it.  ugh!  one more frickin' thing.  will it never end!!!  big exhale - one foot in front of the other.  this is a process, it's more difficult to re-wire than do the original wiring, so of course it will be stressful as my brain adjusts and readjusts.  my head feels like it's going to explode.  done for now.

[radical]

fear of not knowing what this will feel like, fear of not knowing what to do, how to manage being able to feel my emotions (last night's exercise), it's such a big unknown to me, and right now i feel so sad that i have to go thru this.  i hate it! 

I hear you, Sanmagic, and very much relate!

[sanmagic7]

i believe i'm beginning to understand the connection between the inner critic and the inner child.  yesterday, i needed to take a day off from all this, from the stress of this work, from thinking about any of it.  a pretty simple decision, very logical, and aimed at my own well-being.

well, it didn't take long before i began hearing 'shoulds' in my mind.  faintly, at first, but growing increasingly louder and more insistent - i should post on the forum, i should be helping to welcome the newbies, i should check in with the long-distance t i'm working with - after all, he's helping me with this of his own free will, no charge, is concerned about me, and i should check to see if he left a message, should touch base with him, it's only right to constantly reciprocate and acknowledge all he's doing for me.

then my chest began to tighten, and i was able to recognize that feeling as a response to fear (that's progress, at least - didn't make any connections between emotions and body before).   i asked myself what i was afraid of, and began journaling this.  finally, i was able to put my finger on the reason for the fear - if i didn't do these things for others, help them, take care of their feelings (i'm always thinking that others' feelings come before mine), that would mean that i am bad.  a bad person.  and if i'm bad, i displease my dad, and he won't love me anymore, won't want me around (he's been dead over 40 yrs.)   it was quite the startling revelation.

after this awareness, i did my tapping to bring down the knot in my chest, relax myself, and my gut began doing its thing (ibs).   in between running to and from the bathroom, i realized that the battle was taking place there, in my gut.  that's where i battle between the expectations of my dad (the inner critic) and what i, myself, really want (inner child).  no wonder i have troubles in that area - how can my digestive system work correctly if these battles constantly go on within it?

so, my brain is re-wiring, which is allowing me to make these new connections between mind and body, and to begin recognizing these feelings for what they are, how they interweave.  it's stressful as all get out, but i keep reminding myself that it's the re-wiring, the adjustments, the changes that are happening inside my brain.  after i reduced the stress, i made sure i did something just for me, which was to find an image of a bouquet of flowers to insert into my journal, and to ignore the rest of everyone and everything.  today, i feel calmer and a wee bit stronger.  taking care of my little me.  she's worth it, she deserves it, and she's finally getting it.  and that brings a smile to my face.   a long row to hoe, but i do believe i'm seeing progress. 

i think this is the first time i consciously heard the 'shoulds', was aware of them and what they were actually saying.  before it was just something vague that compelled me to do what had been expected of me - take care of others' emotions first, make sure they're ok, and push myself aside.  i hadn't connected any of that with low self-worth, inner critic, or this hyper-vigilence i'm carrying around.  it's all new and strange to me.  we'll see how it plays out.

[sanmagic7]

fear is beginning to raise its head, now, and i don't like it.  i'm scheduled for bodywork tomorrow, and the thought of it brought out a big chunk of fear which i'd never felt before for this particular situation.  it used to be that i knew how much pain it would entail, how my body would suffer for days afterwards, how stressful it would be for me and how that would affect me (i'd feel miserable and sick, like i was getting the flu) and i'd just know it was something i'd have to go through if i wanted to eliminate these toxic emotions/feelings that i'd trapped inside my body.  i never felt afraid of it before, tho.

so, in the battle to eliminate or rectify (i don't really know which one it is) this alexithymia, i'm beginning to feel like anyone else would.  someone posted on this thread that a lot of people with this condition, instead of doing what's necessary to release their emotions, find their emotions, connect their emotions to body sensations, and just feel whatever emotion comes up, they would rather keep going to docs and have their physical ailments treated medically, and ignore the emotional connection.

i know this is true from my work w/ people with chronic pain disorders - i would be able to relieve some of their pain, while talking to them about the emotions that were connected, and they wouldn't come back.  they just wanted the pain gone without doing any emotional exploration or work.  but, unless that pain is masked or the brain altered with meds, the emotional work must be done.  and now i'm feeling how frightening that is!

if i'd felt fear like this during my life, i'm sure i'd never have gotten to be where i am today.  as i understand it, fear is a natural indicator of danger, and needs to be respected as well as explored for the reality of that danger.  the lion or the roar.  so, now that i'm feeling afraid of having the bodywork done, i know that it is gonna hurt like hades and i won't be able to function properly for at least 2 days.  that's a reality.

however, that's also the roar.  the lion is allowing these toxins to fester within me.  they have been causing me pain, discomfort, and physical ailments for years.  the bodywork will not damage me, will not harm me permanently, and will, ultimately, provide me with relief.  so, i choose to move toward the roar, which will not kill me.  but, dang! i don't like being afraid! 

so, this is what courage feels like?  my little me is proud of herself, of me, and that's the first self-validation i consciously remember.  strange.  i feel like alice. 

[meursault]

Awesome!  I'm right there with little you and her pride for herself and you as well!  I hope the bodywork goes well.

Meursault

[sanmagic7]

thanks, meursault, for sharing this with us.  we love the company! 

[movementforthebetter]

Bravo, Sanmagic7. Give yourself a nice, loving reward afterwards, for facing down both pain and fear.