delayed realizations - any opinions?

[sanmagic7]

thanks, meursault and wife2.  i know you both care and want the best for me, and that does feel good. 

the 'we have to' thing somehow triggers me, and i'm not sure where that's coming from.  it may be from before i could speak, may be my dad telling me 'we don't do that in this house' or something like that.  i've always hated when people told me that i can't do something, because i know i can.  maybe it's against the rules, maybe someone doesn't agree with it, but i'm willing to take the consequences.  my claws come out at 'you can't do that'.  yeah?  well, i'll show you that i can.

i do think it comes from very early childhood, and once i left my parents' house, i felt free for the first time ever.  no one could tell me what to do anymore, and i explored and experimented and learned.  it was life-affirming - hmmm . . . maybe that's the key.  to tell me 'you can't' or 'we have to' is taking away my sense of freedom, sense of my own life, my own way of being.  i've fought hard and long to get to where i am with a lot of blockades and barriers to battle through.  no one's going to take that away from me at this stage of my life.

i must've hit something on the head with this, because somehow i feel stronger writing about it.

the other part of the 'we' thing was with my ex hub, who, when we were w/ people, always, always looked at me before he gave an opinion, as if to get my approval first before he spoke.  i ended up looking down at my knees when he would do that so as not to give him a clue of what i was thinking.

when there weren't other people around, he always just went along with what i said.  i thought of and made all the decisions about the house, kids, school, clothes, discipline - everything!  and, when it turned out to be a good idea, he was right there taking credit for it.  if it wasn't such a good idea, he left me holding the bag.   

there was no sense of independence, no sense of being individual.  what happened with that is that after 20 yrs. of marriage, i didn't know the man one whit.  not who he was, what his feelings about something were, his own opinions, nothing personal.  i couldn't stand it.  and then i found out who he really was after we were divorced a few years and i learned about narcissistic misogynists.  i know who he is now.

my hub and i just got off the phone and talked this all out, but, dang, i'm getting so tired of even these talks.  we've done this so many times before, and i don't trust him anymore.  i don't trust him anymore.  how sad.  sucks for a relationship.  which means, i'm looking at a future of the same stuff, the same stressors, which will continue to add to my being ill.  something's got to give, and i'm afraid it will ultimately be me.  i know it will.  it's been happening by increments, no matter how much we've talked.  his head is so full of his financial woes that he just doesn't remember, and does the same thing the next time.  i've come to hate apologies.  they're nothing but hot air.

so, another rant.  i love you all, tho, i really do.  whiffle bats, huh wife2?  i don't even have the frickin' energy for that. 

[meursault]

Hearing "we have to..." gets my hackles up as well.  To me, it carries an implicit assumption that my needs aren't going to be met, and I'm going to be argued to death or verbally tricked into filling another's needs regardless of the damage it does me.  Maybe there's something of that for you too?  To me, I hear: "I am right.  Your wishes don't matter.  I know what's best for you." with stuff like that.  Very infantilizing...

Something similar used to happen with my longest term girlfriend (six years) about opinions.  She rarely had an opinion of her own, and basically made me responsible for her happiness.  Sort of a mind game where I was made to make decisions, which looks empowering, but she wouldn't tell me what she thought or wanted, so I was left desperately guessing what to do that would make her happy.  I think that sort of communication is a really subtle control  issue.  It actually disguises itself as empowering, but is fundamentally disempowering, because all those decisions made "in the dark" are inevitably going to be what the person doesn't want, which can then be used as ammunition for recriminations, blame, and guilt-tripping.  The stress of being made to take responsibility for another person's happiness is miserable, especially when they are unwilling to tell you their preferences.  It's really unfair in a relationship.  I'd end up an anxious, gulit-ridden basketcase, and then behave however she'd want.

It's too bad hearing about things with your husband.  Sounds like you're really working at trying to resolve things and communicate.  Frustrating!

Meursault

[sanmagic7]

it IS frustrating!  these talks have happened too many times before, and after a bit, the same b.s. happens again.  i've been battling people over one thing and another just to be me all my life, and i can't believe it's still happening!  i'm too sick to keep doing this, it is too stressful, and as it continues, it makes me even sicker. 

i do think what you described w/ your ex is a mind (*(&) game, merusault.  that's how i see it now with my ex.  it's bullpucky, passive-aggressive, and a set-up.  grrrr!!!  always looks like they're backing you up, but as soon as something goes wrong, you're falling 50 stories without a net.  i'm glad for both our sakes we're out of those relationships. 

so, my hub comes home wed. and we're going to see a doc he knows about this fungal infection that's taking over my body.  we'll see if i can finally get some medication that my body will tolerate at the same time it's able to wipe this crap out.  the downside of this is that these fungi spores are in the air here, so it's really easy to inhale them again and again.  i never had a problem like this when i lived up north in the states.   geez, i wonder if i might have to move, leave here, leave my hub just for the sake of my health - oh, that's a gruesome thought.  but, i guess since it came to my mind, it's a possibility i may have to take into consideration.  not now, tho.  i need some rest.  these arguments now take it out of me big time.

so, ever onward, hey meursault?  one foot in front of the other.  we'll get thru this together.  keep taking care of you the best you can.  i'll be doing the same.

[sanmagic7]

i had a big talk w/ my hub yesterday, and told him the b.s. with our communication has to stop or one of us is leaving the relationship.  i can't take anymore stress from him.  i'm still not walking well after the fight we had 2 nights ago.  my truth voice is speaking up, i'm in survival mode now, and i have things to do before i die.  stressing me out over the use of a word is just killing me faster.  i won't have it.

i told him that if he could see my eyes he'd know i was serious, and he told me that he knew cuz he could hear it in my voice.  i told him that  before he speaks to me he needs to ask himself one question:  how would i want someone to speak to me?  lecture? confrontation? battle stance? minimize thoughts and/or feelings?  then speak accordingly.

right now, i feel as bad as i did when i ran away from home originally to come down here to heal, like i was dying, and that if i stayed up there i would die sooner rather than later.  that's where i'm at now.  i got my bloodwork back, and i've never had results like this.  red blood count is up, white blood count is down.  i'll be seeing a doc tomorrow that my hub thinks will give me a straight answer on what's going on with me, but i have so little trust in docs anymore.  he knows nothing about my history, what i've gone thru.  we'll see.  all i know is that i'm dying and i hope it's not to late to turn this around.

[Wife#2]

I'm praying that the doctor listens and understands that (heard this last night on TV, totally stealing it) medicine is about PEOPLE. Healing can only happen when the patient believes he/she can and is going to get better. My prayer for you personally is that you are able to believe in your own ability to cast some of this sickness out of yourself and that you believe the doctor can help to that end.

You ARE worthy of being saved. You ARE worthy of being loved. You ARE worthy of health. May God hear my prayer and answer with a miracle of healing for you!

[sanmagic7]

thank you, my dear.  i hold your prayers in my heart.  i will see this doc tomorrow, and hopefully will find out what is going on and if it can be fixed.  all i am able to do right now is attempt to stay calm, relax, let go of the stress so i can walk correctly again.  i don't know what to expect, so i'm not expecting anything.  we'll just see what happens.  i'll keep you posted.  thanks, again.  so appreciated, tears of gratitude. sending love and hugs.

[meursault]

My mom had a fungal lung infection at one point   I certainly don't envy you!  Crossing my fingers that they hit on the right solution quickly!

Meursault

[sanmagic7]

thanks, meursault.  what did she have to do to get rid of it?  i don't doubt i'm suffering from the same thing, only now it's coming out all over me as well.  i go see a doc tomorrow w/ my bloodwork, but the more i know, the better i feel about telling these docs what's going on and what i need. 

[meursault]

Sorry for not commenting on things with your husband, BTW.  I don't really know what to say to offer encouragement there.  I think you're being really open and healthy with what you're telling him, but it's got to be making you pretty sad. 

I just thought with every thing you're going through, isn't life nasty throwing on even more.  I called my mom and asked what helped and she can't remember what it was (that was 15 years ago).  She only remembers a couple of doctors telling her that it would have to run it's course and there was nothing to be done, but also remembers some doctor giving her medicine, and trying several different ones before they hit on the right one.   She said it lasted over a year for sure, though, before it went away.  She also only has one kidney, so they are often limited what meds they can prescribe her, so that likely accounted for the original doctors taking a hands off approach.  I'm truly sorry I can't be more helpful!

Hope it goes well at the docs.... One foot in front of the other indeed!

Meursault

[sanmagic7]

my favorite doc came to the house last night to look at my bloodwork, told me his take on things.  i've suffered from over-inflammation for a long time, and he said that the whole fungal thing, my lethargy, lack of energy, not being able to walk well could all be attributed to that, so he wrote out an order for more tests to see how bad the inflammation really is before he prescribes anything for it.  so, off to the lab this morning, again.  i can't tell you how many docs i've told over the years about this inflammation prob., and someone is finally going to take a look at it.  and, yes, it's caused by stress, by the immune system turning on itself over time due to chronic stress which certainly results from trauma.

my hub and i also had a big talk last night about our communication problems.  he's finally home after his eye surgery, will need a month before he can see clearly from his eye.  i told him my truths about how different my schedule was with him gone, no cooking (cuz i hate to cook, always have), different sleep schedule, all that, but that the fighting with him, his defensiveness, his lectures when he thinks i should be doing something different - well, he just said that he doesn't want to be hurting me, i know what i'm like, that i can be explosive, so i'm going to move out, give you some peace, and maybe you can get better.

it broke my heart, but i realized a little later that he didn't say anything about getting help to change.  all he kept saying is 'i have to keep my mouth shut'.  very sad to me.  we've talked at length about how he talks to and treats me like his father did to his mom, but he won't do what needs to be done to break that cycle, and that's what really breaks my heart.  i don't know what will happen with this, i don't have a plan or money, so i'll just have to have faith that whatever happens i'll deal with it.  but, i can't tell you how nice it was to have the house to myself on my schedule doing only for me when i wanted to.  i didn't really miss him, and the fights on the phone made matters worse as far as my stress level went.

so, we'll see how this plays out.  thanks for your concern, meursault.  whatever happens is what's supposed to happen.  i've got good people wishing me well, support, and a fabulous guardian angel watching over me.  that's it for now.  who knows what might change in the next few days?

[Three Roses]

My husband and I recently threw away all our ibuprofen and started using turmeric as an anti-inflammatory. Seems to have helped. Here's a link to other, natural solutions:     

http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2015/02/02/anti-inflammatory-foods-herbs-spices.aspx

And another article on foods that can cause inflammation:

http://www.eatthis.com/foods-that-cause-inflammation

[sanmagic7]

thanks, 3 roses.  already use turmeric, oregano, anything herbal i've been able to find.  have been acquainted w/ inflammatory-producing foods for a long time.  this is now my system completely on the fritz.  ibuprofen has helped the most during the years. but i'm afraid that this is autoimmune stuff that has been out of whack for years - not being able to move well after stressful situations (at that time, it took a lot longer to kick in) has been happening to me for over 20 yrs., started when i was still married to hub #2.   it now just takes less stress for it to be overwhelming me, including frustrating repeated arguments.  plus, i had that emotional breakdown just over a month ago where i couldn't walk well for 2 weeks.  this is all just been piling up over the years and is coming to fruition in a horrible way. 

got more bloodwork done this morning, we'll see what that reveals.  i still think adrenal glands are part of this, and i brought it up to the doc last nite, but he pretty much dismissed it.  so, we'll wait and see.  i'm holding on, with everyone's help.

my hub said something to me last night about how he and i think differently about these things.  i told him, yeah, you think it's already happened, leave it in the past (even tho the therapist at the time told him that therapeutically, these things must be rooted out, so going back over them is essential.  he doesn't remember these things very well), let it go, let go and let god, don't dwell on it.  i then said that the people on this forum have all been told the same thing, and it's because others, like you, haven't gone thru the same stuff so you just don't understand.  we've been over this conversation at least a dozen times.  it's too tiring anymore.

i so appreciate all the support i've gotten here, from all you lovely, kind, and caring people.  i'll keep you posted.  thanks again for the suggestions, 3 roses.

[Wife#2]

Sanmagic - sending you lots of love, peaceful thoughts, hope and rest. Prayers are underway also!

Yes, I get the same sort of conversation from my husband, which is why I don't share much with him anymore. He doesn't comprehend the value of bringing this stuff up in order to let it go. And he has cPTSD also, from far worse circumstances than my own! He doesn't see the link between all of his history building up inside his body and the chronic pain he's experienced most of his adult life. If I tried to bring up the link, or the book 'The Body Keeps The Score', he'd think it was psychobabble and ask me to leave him alone about it. And hand him the aspirin. And fire up the back massager.

One more prayer for a doctor who can see the whole of you, help the whole of you and give you a path back to good, quality health and living.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, wife2.  i'm hoping this doc, who i do know and trust, and has cared for me since i got here (i lived w/ his mom for a year, so i know the family, and they've been very good to me) will help.  i know he's got my best interest at heart, which is a start.  the prayers are so appreciated, thanks. 

in the meantime, i'll be looking up info on adrenal glands in spanish that i can print out for him.  i don't see how they couldn't have been affected negatively!  there were too many years in a row when i was constantly on high alert.

and, my hub, bless his heart, just wants to stay in his own hidey-hole.  he said last night that he was gonna ask his brother to bring the futon mattress in from the porch, put it in the other room for him.  of course, that hasn't been done.  the idea of him leaving came from him, but i wouldn't bet money on it.  instead we'll probably be roommates (we've been little more than that for years already.  he had hip replacement surgery at least 10 yrs. ago and was so scared that ( even after the surgeon told him he was fine), having sex would make it jump out of the socket, that intimate relations basically petered out and died (yeah, pun.  hahaha) and are a thing of the long past.  i repeatedly told him to talk to someone about it, a doc, therapist, someone, he always said he would, he never did.  i don't trust anything that comes out of his mouth anymore - he says stuff to please my ears, i think, and then it just fades away.  and if i bring it up, it's like i'm nagging him and he gets defensive.  i'm too tired now to argue or challenge.  i've about had it.

so nothing's been done, he's done errands for me when i've been sick, and we watch a little tv together at night.  not the life i would've chosen, and we've grown farther and farther apart because of it.  we share a bed, but only as a place to sleep.  i look at him now and see a coward.  i don't like that at all. frustrating as crapola.  gack!

[sanmagic7]

all inflammation tests came back neg. i'm as frustrated as i can be. my hub and i ended on a pos. note last night, but he's all wrapped up with getting his eyesight back, says he's willing to work on our communication problems when he can see.  this is a man who spent 30 yrs. on the streets as a druggie, didn't give a rip about his body, and now nothing is as important as it is, and he is constantly scared about his well-being.  i feel like i'm trapped, and drowning at the same time.  i don't know why this physical stuff keeps happening to me, can't find explanations, so can't fix it.  i feel better today, but that means nothing to me anymore.  i'm ticked off, sad, confused (i've spent a lot of my life confused) and pretty hopeless, to tell the truth.  pretty down.  i'm not liking where i'm at.  sucks.

my little me?  who knows!  maybe we've integrated.