delayed realizations - any opinions?

[Three Roses]

Grrr! I was really hoping you'd get some answers and help for the pain you're in. 

Hang in there! I am sending tons of positive, hopeful thoughts your way. We're with you

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the anger, 3 roses.  i never even felt it for myself.  this has gone on for so many years, i can't even count them anymore.  all the tests come back saying there's nothing wrong with me.  yet i have physical stuff going on that can be seen - the fungal stuff, the 'slows' - but there's never any explanation.  never any problem showing on paper, no tests that shed a light on what could be causing this stuff.  i don't know what to think or feel anymore.  this is at least 30 yrs. of the same b.s. 

you all have been great, and i couldn't have hung on this long without you.  today i'm feeling pretty good, at least - i've got my legs back, which is always a good sign to me.  i can't explain this to myself, let alone to a doc.  and they just scratch their heads and look at me and say 'i don't know' and on to the next patient.  thank you all for your support and well wishes.  truly appreciated.

[Wife#2]

You've let me lean on you for which I am deeply grateful. Now, may I ask you to lean on me? I've got my hands on your shoulders (replace them wherever is most helpful). Rest your head on my shoulder. Cry if you want to. Sigh if you want to. I'm here beside you, praying for health and peace for you. 

[Sandstone]

Sorry for butting in and forgive me if iv missed anything but reading your posts about tests always coming back negative reminds me of myself a few yrs ago. They thought it might be lupus but then it wasnt. I had loads of tests done and all neg. I started to feel like i was making it all up.
Anyway just wanted to say i went to a rheumatologist who asked me about my past and any trauma then diagnosed me with fibromyalgia .
Not sure if that is any help to you but i do understand your frustrations. 

[sanmagic7]

wife2, i'm leaning, and grateful for your sweet soul.  i'm about played out.   funny you should think of hands on shoulders.  one of my best friends did the same thing for me when i was staying with her and had a nightmare.  she placed a hand on my shoulder to gently wake me up, and her hand felt so soothing that i was comforted and was able to go back to a dreamless sleep.  to this day, (she is also suffering) one of the things we end our email with is 'hand on shoulder'.  now i have yours as well.  perfect.

sandstone, yep, i know what you mean about beginning to think it's 'all in my head'.  that's the most horrible experience.  but i know now that it's not just in my head, and this is my last fight.  and, you're never too late to join the party.

my hub is finally on board.  we had the best talk yesterday, and i think he finally gets it.  i found info on adrenal fatigue (i'm convinced it's what's going on - my doc said that this fungal infection thing is caused by 2 things - sugar (my blood sugar level is fine) or inflammation (those tests came back neg., altho, no matter what the tests say, i know that i have inflammation problems, too much of it in reaction to stress, and very physical manifestations because of it.  i'm now trusting my gut and my own knowing of my body, and those tests can take a flying leap!).  so i began looking up info on adrenal fatigue (i was in an emergency state for 20 yrs.  how could those glands have stayed healthy through that?) and got what i needed.  symptoms (i have about 8 out of 10), the whole idea of when they're out of whack they send the whole rest of the body's systems out of whack (yep!), and that they can cause the immune system to be compromised which allows a whole host of pathogens in, including fungal infections.  bingo!

so, i read this to my hub, and after i read the symptoms, and he understood the part that a.g. play in regulating the body, he just looked at me and said 'i can't believe you're still alive.'  it is a miracle, cuz it's been touch and go a few times.  one friend has told me the same thing.  so, we took this info to the doc, and he's not quite convinced, so i have one more test to do today, to check on my thyroid.  it's been checked in the past, (i'd pushed for it to try to explain my constant fatigue to docs in the past), it always came back just fine).  so, this is it for me. 

at least my doc knows that even tho the tests don't show a fungal infection, i have one and it's popping out all over now.  now he has the info and story of my adrenals and what they've been thru (he doesn't want to believe it, tho - most mainstream medicine doesn't recognize it - just like alexithymia or c-ptsd), and there is a cure for a.f. which is rest, sleep, more sleep, and something like the paleo diet - back to basics with food.  happily i quit smoking last year, so that's one thing i don't have to worry about (altho there have been several times thru all this that i've wanted to start puffin' away!)

so, we'll see what this thyroid test says, but probably not till mon.  in the meantime, i'm just gonna eat up the dairy i already bought and begin cleaning my 'house' next time i go shopping.  i know i won't do this all at once - i'll probably make sure i have ice cream before i get serious about this! - but i have a plan and a future, and i haven't had either for so long.  i've also had to stop working on my issues cuz it's just too stressful, so i'll remain out of touch with my emotions for awhile, if not forever, who knows, and wing it when i have to.  in the meantime, my bed and i are going to become best friends again (and the shrink who told me to work on my sleep hygiene can just blow!)   

)(()&&^&^%(_+()&^%(^%%$  is about all i have to say to all the people who have sent me down the wrong path, who have harmed me in all their nefarious (love that word) ways, and who have tried to make me into someone that suited them.  i am a flower child, my soul was born in the 60's when i discovered freedom of spirit, independence of self, and love, sweet love.  and i shall wear purple whenever i dam' well please, and flowers in my hair whenever possible.  i've found me again, at least in this moment.  and i love her so.  she's wonderful, a beautiful human being, flaws and everything.  and she makes mistakes, and she doesn't know it all (and now she doesn't have/need to) and she will fly into the side of a barn when her time comes (like in the movie 'second hand lions' - if you haven't seen it, i highly recommend it), or she will choose her time with no regrets, knowing she has lived a full, fabulous life (like maude in 'harold and maude' - another one of my very favorites).  i feel a peace which i haven't felt in a very long time. 

[radical]

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, radical.  it is a celebration of self.  let's see how long this holds.  for now, tho, i shall enjoy1

[Wife#2]

 

You are worth celebrating!

Oh, and I absolutely love the word nefarious and the movie Second Hand Lions! 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, my dear.  that brought a big smile immediately!

my hub and i have been having some of the best talks of our marriage these past few days.  the silver lining to his eye surgery is that he has to be home and down as much as possible, probably for another 2 weeks.  i was dreading it because of the interruption to my day/routine, but it's going along much more smoothly than i imagined.  he's proving himself to be someone who i enjoy being around once again. 

i also have been able to tell him how my schedule was so different while he was gone for those 9 days, how i didn't cook, was able to sleep longer and deeper without knowing that his alarm was going to go off at 4:45 every morning, and he's been so very accommodating at wanting to make sure i'm as stress-free as possible (i'm quite convinced i have adrenal fatigue, and i need rest, sleep, and no stress as much as possible in order to allow them to possibly get back on track).

i told him that i cooked for him in order that i was being a 'good wife', even tho he's known from the beginning that i hate to cook.  he told me that he didn't want a 'good wife' but a wife that was happy and healthy and well, and he'd rather i do whatever was necessary to reach that end, not to worry about him or about catering to him.  i know that was coming from a place in his heart of pure love - thinking about it now, i only wish i could've felt it!  still, i know it's there, and i'm so grateful now that i've been blessed with this man.

so, moving forward, i still have one more blood test this morning to see if my thyroid is functioning properly.  but i'm feeling emotionally better than i have in a long time - this has been a rough year.  so, i'm glad of that as well.  and so thankful for all of you - i don't think i could've made it this far without you, your kindness, caring, love, and support.  love to you, too.

[sanmagic7]

yesterday i found myself crying at the slightest anything, pos. or neg.  as i began questioning this behavior, i realized that i'm grieving the loss of my friend of 20 yrs. who i basically dumped about 2 wks. ago!  along with that, my hub's best friend died a few days ago, and i just stayed strong for him, not realizing that this man had been a good friend of mine as well, and that i would miss him.

more delayed realizations and reactions.  i hadn't really felt the loss of my girlfriend until yesterday.  this seems so bizarre to me.  so, i'm in a crummy mood today, but at least i finally understand why.  i even had funerals for them, but didn't really feel anything.  anyway, good-bye to both of them.   

[Three Roses]

  to you sanmagic. Be good to yourself. 

[Wife#2]

  friend. Peace to your heart.

[sanmagic7]

i just ordered van der kolk's book, and should be getting it while i'm at my daughter's.  when i come home, i'll be diving in and giving it a shot.  it feels like the final hope that i may have a chance of turning this around.  i know my brain is damaged, don't need mri or ct scans to tell me.  doing the exercises to re-wire my brain that i got from my therapist friend became too stressful, using too much energy, and wore me down.  this fungal infection is hurting me as well, i know, and am on a new regimen of meds for that.  we'll see what happens.  this doc told me that the inner infection and the stuff on my skin should go away in 2-4 weeks.  don't know that i believe him, but am giving it a shot his way.  in the meantime, my immune system is nearly zero, so i have to be very careful about getting sick - it'll go straight to my lungs, and i'm already beyond the usual antibiotics - have had to use them too many times already, and they've stopped working.  i'm working hard at keeping the fear at bay.

believe me when i tell you that i take all those hugs and warm wishes straight into my heart and nurture them there.  you have all been part of what has helped keep me fighting.  just know that if i go under, it's only because i got overwhelmed one too many times, and simply couldn't get up for another go at it.  for right now, i'm still in the ring.  unless someone or something coldcocks me, i've got such wonderful people in my corner that i won't be throwing in the towel.  that towel will only hit the mat if it's out of my hands.  until then, dammit, i'm in the next round.

[Three Roses]

I'm in your corner! 

[sanmagic7]

i know you are, 3 roses, and have been from the beginning.  you've done so much for me, and you're one of the ones i'm fighting for.   my fervent hope is that you and all the rest of everyone can see that c-ptsd is deadly on so many levels.  it's not in our heads, not made up, not imagined.  it's so real, all of it.  it's as bad as it feels, if not worse.  all the doubts i've experienced about this in my own life, and all the doubts i've read about in this forum have kept us from tackling this beast with everything we've got.  i know because i've spent so much time doubting myself and the reality of how i've viewed what was going on around me, questioning whether it's really as bad as i thought or was i making it out to be worse than i thought. 

i'm not doubting anymore.   it's worse than what i imagined.  instead of spitting out what was being thrown at me, i swallowed it all, not even knowing what i was doing.  i thank everything good and loving that this forum is here and people are discovering what they didn't know before it's too late for them.   and thanks hugely to kizzie for starting this place,   you all are getting validation that your thoughts and feelings are as real as they seem.   bless you all for your courage to speak up and speak out in such truthful, kind, and caring ways.