Self-Care and Self-Educating, ch.1

[tea-the-artist]

I think I want to try journaling again. I used to journal a whole bunch when I was a kid but around middle and high school my parents would read through them often and confront me about things I had written (I think it was mostly because of swearing and pinpointed numerous "negative" feelings I "shouldn't" have been having, another point confronting and questioning about my sexual orientation and by the time I was 17 I stopped writing journals or (recently) struggled to just write positively. So this is kind of tough. But there's a lot of things I need, and I know one thing for sure is I really need is to have a space where I can safely organize my thoughts. Hopefully establish some goals (already it feels overwhelming). I've blogged about it, but I want to clean up that blog and return to it when I know things in my life have positively changed, that I can actually feel it and see those changes.

The garden I'm living in is rather decayed (ha, I must be a wilted tea rose then!), lots of intrusive weeds sucking away energy and the like, and I hope to be able to leave, whether on my own terms or not (part of me hopes for the latter to justify my own anger and sadness) and move on to root myself in a new garden and be and feel cared for and care for others in healthy ways.

I want to be serious about this. While I don't have method of transportation on my own terms (I rely on father) or ability/finances/support to go to therapy, I would like to really be committed to something. I think my attempts to cope in the last couple months really failed because I gave up too quick, overwhelmed with the feeling that I may not make it out. Logically... I think I will. On some terms, I'm not sure right now. In my heart, it's hard, like optimism was stolen from me but I have to regain that in time, and not rush and give up if progress isn't visible.

At first I wasn't sure what I might journal about, but I think I know now. I know people in my FOO aren't changeable. It really hurts, feeling like they have never cared outside of "obligatory family love/care." I still haven't accepted that yet But I know I can change myself (I've done so many times, but that's a topic for another entry).

I want to start letting my friends know about things that I need. I do have a lot of issues with guilt and feeling selfish if I ask for things I never got growing up or even nowadays. I don't want them to feel uncomfortable or like I'm being unusually needy and strange (I don't really ask for much to be honest... I think I'm kind of easygoing in safe environments and have always tried to be self-sufficient... but being self-sufficient... isn't sufficing.

I also don't want to be uncomfortable asking these things if I know or feel it will benefit me. Some things I'd like to be able to ask my friends (hopefully before the year ends):

• communication at least twice a week, once if possible

I think I have some issues with object constancy issue? (Not taking validation well? Possible object constancy issue?) but I feel I maybe I just need to hear more from them, and learn to actively reach out myself and not waiting alone and thinking I've been abandoned.

• reach out if I've seemed to isolate myself again

I've always been one of those children (and now adults) who cried alone in their room at night wishing somebody could just reach out and be there. validation is a hard thing, and these days with all my intrusive thoughts it's getting harder and harder to believe them, but I think normalizing contact with good people will help me.


I think that's all I can jot on that topic for now. I'm kind of feeling a bit anxious about journaling suddenly... like I want to or need to get this right since I feel and said I feel like I need to be more serious about it. I wish I was better at long term goal planning. I've recently felt like I tend to just coast along and not really being in much control unless it was an immediate, short term thing, and kind of going day by day. Anything more I feel so overwhelmed and immediately exhausted because any changes or plans weren't happening right then, right that second. But I hope this journal can help me organize better and feel more committed... to myself. I should be honest with myself and understand that... despite it being because of trauma, I've done quite a bit for people in my life, especially my family. And even now, I'm going beyond what I think I should be doing, and for once I really need to focus on myself.

[Three Roses]

 

I love flowers!

[writetolife]

Tea-the-art,

I'm so proud of you for taking a first step in recovering and taking care of yourself! 

Journaling can be awfully hard, can't it?  That's terrible what your family did.  I'm sorry.     You CAN do this, though, even if it's just a few lines or even a sketch at a time. 

And I believe you will get a nicer garden.  I'm still waiting and praying for one, too.  And I believe we'll get them. 

[tea-the-artist]

I love flowers!

I do too! pansies, zinnias and alyssum are my favorites!

Tea-the-art,

I'm so proud of you for taking a first step in recovering and taking care of yourself! 

Journaling can be awfully hard, can't it?  That's terrible what your family did.  I'm sorry.     You CAN do this, though, even if it's just a few lines or even a sketch at a time. 

And I believe you will get a nicer garden.  I'm still waiting and praying for one, too.  And I believe we'll get them. 

thank you for understanding! i truly appreciate your support  it's taken me years to come to realizing that my FOO only wanted to hear and see that I was happy, but never caring or getting angry if I showed, felt, or wrote that I was feeling negative emotions. Just last year I realized this, and still struggle to express negativity without feeling guilt or shame. I think we all will get a better garden too!

[tea-the-artist]

Yesterday and today have been so much better than the two weeks. I reached out to my friend Peach (a fellow artist I met online last fall. she's such a sunshine and is so nice to talk to! we both talk a lot) to try and un-isolate myself. She was really understanding and offered to give me space (though I really just needed to communicate more) and most of the day we sent messages about watercolor paints (I recommended her a set I had) and for the whole day I was feeling so good.

Today (as I write this actually), I'm still feeling good, but I'm very wary of losing the feeling. This happens time to time, in the last 4 months, every other week I would go from very happy, cheery, and/or just content.. to feeling really down, often empty, dealing with a lot of intrusive thoughts, self doubt, guilt about family, etc.

I wonder if this is why I was isolating myself. Even after the negativity had passed. I don't want to approach this in a "enjoy it while it lasts" manner, and I don't want to coast my way through either. I'm not sure if coast is the right word here though. I think while I coast, I'm more inclined to watch TV or youtube videos, or scroll through tumblr kind of mindlessly just to pass time until I go to bed. Most of the time I daydream/daydream act (someone had asked me a while ago if I dissociated after I explained daydreaming but I don't know.. from what I've read prior and after being asked, I don't really know if any of that counts)

The days I don't daydream or force myself not to are really difficult. I feel kind of empty...floaty almost kind of waiting around for something to do. I feel really low-energy, very likely to stay seated on my bed (either daydreaming on and off or scrolling through tumblr for a couple hours). Sometimes I get up to go chat with mom and I'll feel elevated or until I go back to my room. Not really trying to be jokester-y with my brother considering he's very invalidating and it's tiring to be all smiles for him when he treats me like nothing. Sometimes I joke, but lately when I joke and it's ignored or brushed off, I start to tear up on my way back to my room. Ugh.. I hate that.

Yesterday was one of my best friends Rose's birthday. I texted her but didn't get a response. I hoped she was doing well. I know she has a party coming up but I don't know if I have the energy to make it this time. I should be honest with her about that, but ah...I don't want her to feel bad or that I might be lying.

Still have yet to speak with other best friends Zinnia, Pansy and MG. I want to but I feel like it won't change things. Or that I'll give up quickly and that will make them feel uncomfortable and make them stop trying for me. Is that selfish... I don't think I've been a good friend. I don't want to blame it on cptsd but everything feels so scary like I'm a child.

Also yesterday, after reaching out to Peach, I messaged my ex Lily. We're on good terms, though both mentally ill and trying to work on our own issues. Haven't gotten a response but I had waited almost 2 weeks to respond to her, and she may be struggling in a low mood the way I was. Currently not feeling bad about that. Trying to see it logically instead of as though I'm being rejected.

Last bit. I decided on a new goal. This will probably take some time and may happen after the other two goals I listed:

• work on removing self from daydreaming

There's a lot more thoughts on just that that I need to sort out.

[tea-the-artist]

ah I continue my chattiness. I remembered another goal after reading some posts in the "Friends" boards

• tell friends about cptsd, try explaining what that might mean for our relationships (and bounce off of asking things I need from them, how we can work together)

I think they're all understanding and aren't the types to walk out on me. Pansy and her brother MG have offered twice to move me out of my house (I rejected the first time, fearing I'd be abandoning my brother) but this time I wonder if it'll be it. I might know in the next month or two. They both understand my situation the best next to Lily, as we have shared experiences.

Zinnia's another story. we're long term friends but in the past as i tried to explain certain things to her (like why I sometimes go for weeks or months not speaking) it seemed as if I was being bothersome or that she was annoyed that I had some issue/s that affected me mentally, which would affect my relationship with her. we shall see.

[annakoen]

(I figured since I love painting flowers a lot, I'd make the subject garden-flower related?)

I think I want to try journaling again. I used to journal a whole bunch when I was a kid but around middle and high school my parents would read through them often and confront me about things I had written (I think it was mostly because of swearing and pinpointed numerous "negative" feelings I "shouldn't" have been having, another point confronting and questioning about my sexual orientation and by the time I was 17 I stopped writing journals or (recently) struggled to just write positively.

Tea, I hope you won't mind me only responding to this bit. Me and my brother experienced this too: no privacy whatsoever. Parents reading their children's diaries is a huge massive violation of privacy. You say "I think it was mostly because...". There is no because, EVER, for anyone to read your diary without your consent. I am not sure if you realise this yourself, I felt compelled to respond. It makes me  , this was a violation if your boundaries and privacy in my opinion.

Sorry to butt in like this.... Hope I didn't overstep..

Welcome to the forums, I hope you may find the support here that you need

[tea-the-artist]

annakoen! no no need to apologize! i really welcome any and all feedback (I'm trying not to feel bad for it but I really do need to feel like someone's out there listening to me and being understanding for once).

it took me some time, I think up to 2 years ago when I learned about what emotional abuse looks like, but I do understand it was a violation. at all the times I was confronted about my writings I was so outraged and embarrassed to tears and because they didn't realize or care that they were seriously overstepping boundaries, I've really done a lot of anger suppression over the last decade (since I started middle school). I didn't realize my wording made it seem like I justified them doing that. perhaps internally I do on some level feel that way. In so many ways I feel disrespected, but I guess I focused more on the fact that they didn't want me to express and feel any negativity. but I suppose also if they weren't the type to disrespect and violate my privacy, then things would definitely be much different.

also please again don't feel like you're butting in! i really appreciate you having Little Tea's back! it's so important for me to know others would have her/my back! thanks for the welcome as well! i'm already feeling so supported!

[tea-the-artist]

I might have made a new discovery! Another chatty day

Last night was quite confusing for me, I think for the first time I tried to reach out to my inner child. a dismissive comment from my brother (kinda petty honestly) triggered an EF, and an unsure assumption on my dad not wanting to eat what I had made for dinner kind of pushed me over the edge. I ended up not wanting to eat and going upstairs to cry. but I started pacing and I thought "hey maybe this is my inner child feeling intense and alone and rejected, maybe I can say something to her" so I gave it a try and apologized. I realized a lot of my emotional suppression in recent years might have felt the same as how my FOO treated me as a child. so I ended up rejecting my IC. I don't know if I got to her but I did apologize, which made me cry even harder, and I acknowledge that I was doing to her what our (my?) FOO did to me. I felt I wanted to listen if she wanted to talk. I kind of rubbed my right thumb over the back of my left hand, to calm myself a little bit and it seemed to work.

A while later, I tried to write some questions and statements that I was there for her and tried to write any response with my left hand (a technique Kizzie talked about here: Neat Tool for IC Work), and I felt really intensely sad at "Hello. May I talk with you?" I wrote "I don't know. I don't feel comfortable" and I asked why and I (she?) wrote "Don't leave." I wonder if I was starting to lose focus afterwards or just get tired (I'd been up since 5:45am and it was almost midnight at this time) but the only other response I got was "clear sky," to "What do you need from me at this time?" but it was more so an image in my mind? I felt and saw a lot of images to other questions but nothing was written down. It was mostly colors (paint? did she want to paint! I did offer to say we could sit and paint and watch a movie, but that didn't happen  ) and images of the sky (sunsets, which I love) and clouds moving across rapidly.

Eventually after sitting with my eyes closed for a while, I headed to bed. I'm very new to understanding all of this, but I felt bad for going to sleep. I didn't feel any intense sadness (none at all), but still. I hope she feels rested and knows that I want to do more work reaching out and connecting.

Also! This morning when I woke up a few hours ago (so early still) I did some more research on the 4F types and made some notes about which type/s I might be.

Freeze Type thoughts

• I resonated a lot with the freeze type. very unaware of inner critic projecting onto others (friends especially, but FOO too).
• seems like justification to isolae myself as I can "predict" or assume others will do what I projected onto them
• a sort of "let me isolate myself before they do that to me, because I know they will, they don't ask me what I need and aren't around all the time" method. I did mention this the other day, and that I'd like to stop isolating myself out of fear of abandonment by friends. never realized that was my inner critic
• perhaps am closer to finding out whether I really do dissociate. (will save this for a day and entry where I can solely focus on this alone)

Fawn Type thoughts

• without doubt resonated with fawn type. I'm not even going to question! definitely me
• no wonder I have been feeling no sense of self lately. I think I already started grieving that loss without realizing (or perhaps inner child).
• I'm totally not very assertive, I'd rather listen and do what people I care for would like than request for something I need. all my relationships, while I feel I talk about myself a lot, I am thinking of others. what could I paint this friend? should I do this for that friend even though I don't need to? I hope they're doing OK. maybe I should paint them something to make them feel better. these two are talking but So and So got interrupted so I'll speak with them first. (though I'm prone to being interrupted a lot and I don't say anything)
• I think I still fawn over dad and brother. needing to be the jokester with brother who always needed something bright in his live (over childhood, it seems I was trying to become that person despite our age gap of 5 years (he is older)).
• and needing to be nice or the Sweet Daughter with dad (to make sure no danger/hint of anger). I've always been Dear Daughter, even these days despite the very low interaction we have.
• looking back, I feel I was such a servant to these two all my life that I truly did forget myself.
• I even still feel selfish and ashamed for thinking I should be more assertive and think about the things I need and want

Quoted from Pete Walker's site:

...and the fawn-freeze type who numbingly surrenders herself to scapegoating or to a narcissist's need to have a target for his rageaholic releases (the "classic" domestic violence victim)

This resonated so much with me! made me understand why I have once already rejected Pansy and MG's offer to let me move in with them away from this toxic home! And why I have not already said "Yes!" the second time they asked me (last month) Though I am still sitting on it. I feel a part of me will impulsively say yes but regret it because my FOO currently depends on me financially too. Ah.. but still! Some interesting new news Going to spend this weekend looking into how I use the 4F responses.

[tea-the-artist]

Almost decided not to stay on the site anymore. I've thought a lot and I think I'm still having the issue of wondering where I could actually go (in regards to online communities). I don't particularly feel like a "survivor" of emotional abuse and neglect because I still have (unwilling) full contact with FOO. But at the same time I think I'm second guessing because I'm an "adult" that isn't "defenseless" anymore though I often strongly feel like I am. Or that since I'm an adult it's not as bad. I really wish I had access IRL to help. It's finally October and I haven't heard anything from Pansy and MG about moving situation (not even sure if it was this month or last month they said they'd let me know... or if I was supposed to contact them if living here was getting unbearable).

I did some research these past few days and I think I've been dissociating for the entirety of my childhood and maybe on and off as an adult. Not fully sure. Like 80% sure. I know it happens in different ways for different people, but I wonder if I've been in denial about dissociating for a year (around the first time I read about it in relation to child emotional abuse). Maybe I will post about it in the Dissociation section, but for now I feel embarrassed about that.

This weekend Lily is driving 2 hours to see me and it'll be the first time I've seen her in over 3 years. She kind of dropped it on me which I didn't mind but I got excited but now I'm really nervous about possibly dissociating through the entire thing. Or dealing with an abandonment feeling EF after she drives back. I really just want to stay in the present and feel the good feelings because we're good friends who really understand and care about each other as we experienced and still experience similar trauma/toxic home. I really miss her a lot and despite us not being in a relationship anymore I know I want to see her again. She was the most patient person I'd ever met who never invalidated me.

Anyway, also did some more reading on trauma response types. I think while I'm fawn-freeze, the level of the two varies. Sometimes I'm more fawn, sometimes I'm more freeze. When I'm leaning more fawn-type, I feel very frustrated with myself, especially if whatever I've done was unsuccessful/ignored, in a "why did I even bother?!" feeling. If I'm more freeze that day (or even moment of the day), sometimes I physically shake out of it (occasionally in a cartoonish manner) but usually within minutes go back into it until disturbed. I may be confused or mixing things, but sometimes it feels purposeful when I go back, because those feel like daydreams. Like "oops I didn't finish my thoughts" and other times less purposeful or not at all and will be sort of floaty/dazed for a while. Those I don't "shake" out of.

Just now actually, I'm listening to music and the song changed and I feel like I started to daze or drift/space out. It was only for a moment.

kinda wonder if this is why I might not be connecting successfully with IC. like I can't focus long enough.

[tea-the-artist]

a quote from Pete Walker's Codependency, Trauma and the Fawn Response that resonated:

There are many codependents who understand their penchant for forfeiting themselves, but who seem to precipitously forget everything they know when differentiation is appropriate in their relationships. To break free of their subservience, they must turn their cognitive insights into a willingness to stay present to the fear that triggers the self-abdication of the fawn response, and in the face of that fear try on and practice an expanding repertoire of more functional responses to fear.

likely why I'm struggling on my second chance at being given an offer to move out of this place. I suppose that's why fawn-freeze was referred to as the "classic" dv... it really sucks to be "aware" but also "forget" but also be aware and ashamed that I "forgot."

[tea-the-artist]

while not directed at me, a fellow user's comment struck me today:

taking care of yourself is breaking the cycle of abuse you were raised in, were taught to believe in.  of course it feels heartless - you're finally doing what's best for you instead of for everyone else.  you're taking back your heart for yourself, where it truly belongs, and that means it's not available to them to shred anymore.

I know in regards to wanting and NEEDING to move out, the guilt is still very strong in me (understandably), but I have to remember that moving out will positively change things for me. "Getting away from abusive people" is one of the most consistent advice for people (usually children/youth still living with abusive FOO) I've heard and read for the last couple years since I understood emotional abuse. I usually don't find it helpful because I don't have the financial or transportation access. But that comment just felt like the biggest reminder of what I need to do.

Please Tea! Get this through your head and through your heart:

Moving out is the big goal.
Getting away from an emotionally abusive and emotionally draining house is the big goal!
Getting away from parents who could not provide consistent and unconditional love and support is the big goal!
Getting away from a parent who thought financial and physical support were the only things required to be a good parent is the big goal!
Getting away from a sibling who justifies invalidating you because you "didn't have it as bad" as he is the big goal!
Getting away from people who were never there for you in the ways that you needed them to be there for you is THE BIG GOAL!

Read it. Remember it. Guilt isn't your fault. Your unconditional caring for them, despite everything that's happened to you, says a lot. But for once, Tea, you've got to do something good for yourself. You can't keep coasting day-to-day, letting the actions of others and your own inaction blow you along like wind blowing a feather. Please for once, be selfish and learn how to care about yourself!

[tea-the-artist]

Rocky start this morning. Not sure if it had anything to do with my brother telling me he got lectured by my dad for something relating to me but completely unrelated to my brother. While we both were getting in the car, it sounded like my brother grunted at me to go first, and I responded saying "You don't gotta grunt at me, I already know" but apparently he wasn't, and then said something I can't remember right now, but that every day "there's always something, and I don't need you adding to it" and I almost got to asking him if something else happened apart from yesterday, but my parents came into the garage so I stopped myself.

On and off spaced out on the drive to work (good thing I don't drive). Right now, I'm tired (only an hour and a half into my proctoring shift and it's pretty slow). Almost told my mom or wanted to hint at being tired of living at home, but I dropped it and tried to act "normal." I'm not really sure what to feel, I have to wait 6 more hours to possibly get vented at (I'll probably initiate if I'm not tired/agitated by the time we all get home). I feel like hinting at some small agitation/aggression towards my dad because I'm sick of him scapegoating my brother, but I know that's not smart (and I also know that will probably still add to any resentment from my brother, considering he's called me "two faced" in the past for listening to him vent about our parents, but also trying to make nice/be nice/sweet and joking to my parents...I'm even more tired just remembering those conversations).

Now that I've written that I'm finding it hard to go back to being content. Of course I'm worried about his well-being but I'm starting to notice myself feeling smaller and smaller. As soon as he has a problem, I still have the habit of putting all my focus onto him and his pain, as if I'm simultaneously being hurt too, and that's tiring. I need so much time for myself.

a fellow user gave me some things to think about re: moving out that I need to look at and remind myself of every day:

1) If you move out you'll be able to offer him a place to escape and vent sometimes.
2) If you move out you're more likely to proceed towards healthy thinking and living. Isn't that a GREAT example to give your brother?
3) You can't really get healthy when you're living in the same conditions that caused the problem in the first place.

[tea-the-artist]

I definitely believe in dream meanings (every time I have a dream, I record as much as I can remember and check dreammoods for meanings of certain symbols I came across in my dream). Handful of years ago I had a lot of nightmares and I did some digging and realized a lot of those nightmares were telling me things and had to do with a lot of suppressed/repressed emotions, memories...

Anyway, this week, I had two dreams about being in a grocery store and it just makes sense...

To shop for groceries in your dream represents some emotional of physical need that you are currently lacking in your life. You may be in need of nurturance and some fulfillment. Consider the specific items that you are shopping for.

That's just such an clear-cut obvious sign (I even dreamed of holding a bag of a rather long loaf of sliced bread). Along with some really encouraging words, I just feel like it's time to step up. For me... or at least for my inner child. I've faced scary things before, and while none of them seemed as scary as stepping into the adult society but... at some point it has to happen. And it seems my subconscious is yelling at me and sending me signs that it should be happening sooner rather than later.

I know this is going to anger my dad, sadden my mom, probably anger my brother if he's not indifferent about it (I feel like he might pretend to be to mask possibly feeling abandoned by me... but I truly do want to set another example for him. I got a part time job before he did (tho he did have a work study job at his first college about 10 years ago)).

I'm scared of all that... my dad might not even let me. I feel.. if I have to run away or set up a system to move some things out discretely, then I'll have to do it.

I also feel like I need to justify. I've been daydreaming so much about potential conversations... what I'll say... "I don't feel it's healthy for me to live here" "So what! What's that supposed to mean?"... "I think it's time for me to become an adult and be more independent" "You must be out of your mind! Are you kidding me, child?!... So it was true you really were planning to leave!"

I'm shuddering at the thought, but I'm 23. For once I've got to think of myself and how my action will benefit me, and not how others will react to my action. That cannot be my fault, my responsibility. I can't control their reactions, their emotions. If they are upset, maybe it means they finally realize how important I am and that I never should have gotten the treatment that lead up to this point. That maybe they finally see how much worth I have and what I mean to them (whether it was from their emotional manipulation/sucking-me-dry or not), and how it'll hurt when I leave.

But that's not my responsibility. That's something they have to consider and think about on their own time. I don't even want to hear apologies (as ... interesting... as that would be, especially from my dad and brother). I don't want to hear change. I don't want to falter at all. I really want to be confident in my decisions. I never got to be like that as a child until I quit my job as a staff writer and switched to cartoonist at my first college newspaper (ah.. my dad's dream... crushed instantly in the 15 seconds I spoke to my boss at the time!). I'll never forget that moment.

Or when I decided I wanted to switch majors from Journalism to Visual Communications. Took me a good couple weeks to do research and confront my dad, who in the end accepted it (even though further in the end I didn't switch until transferring schools). I couldn't have been prouder of myself.

Even when I took this current test proctoring job. I was so upset... thinking "No! I should be waiting for my brother to get a job first so he doesn't feel left behind!" Well... how silly. My getting a new job before him doesn't reflect badly on him at all. He may feel however he wants to feel, but I'm not in control of that. He may not want me to talk about my job because it makes him feel inadequate.. I can do that, but again, it's not reflecting bad on him. It doesn't mean that I should quit or do things to get myself fired so he can look good. Nope!

And now he's in an IT course. Which, after getting 3 certificates after completion, will greatly increase his chances to get internships or straight into a new job at last! I've been rooting for him my entire life ever since I first started to understand our family power dynamics. And after leaving, I'll still root for him. I can healthily encourage him without putting myself down.

But most importantly, I'll be in a safe place where I can learn to function better and feel better and think better of myself.

That's the big goal, Tea. Being healthy. To be healthy enough to finally be able to help others without unhealthy latching or codependency. No matter how they make you feel in the meantime, that's the big goal. And it should matter to you because your life and your feelings matter.

[tea-the-artist]

I had another dream. I forgot to record it but I remember I was packing clothes into a big bag or a suitcase. Seriously is this the week of "Signs That Tea's Finally Gonna Make The Decision To Move Out"?! Because that's what it's looking like. If only I could muster up the strength to contact my friends and see what the status on them moving apartments is looking like.

Maybe I should look at it one step at a time..

• First I joined this site, realizing I needed a safe space to organize thoughts, feelings
• I didn't leave the site immediately after joining(I tend to do that, thinking I won't find any help, comfort, resources, etc)
• I've stayed on the forum for just over a week (that's an accomplishment right?)
• Worked on being open with feelings (and not just talking about the situation/s) and tried not to be embarrassed about my feelings
• if anything, I've learned so much about C-PTSD in the last month or so (before then I thought I was dealing with PTSD but a lot of info, wording, help wasn't making sense and wasn't working for me until I found out C-PTSD was a thing!)

I mean... that's five things. Important things.

I also temporarily left my blog (where I was talking and venting a lot about issues at home and mental illness). It seemed useless especially since I was met with mainly silence (though some probably sympathetic "likes" which I appreciated, but still). I ended up letting folks know I didn't plan on returning until some positive changes were made and I'd be making a new blog (that would be hassle/obligation-free for once!!) when I'm fully established in a safe and peaceful new place. I don't know when that will be. That's the reality of course. But I don't want to go back until things are settled and I've got enough breathing room.


Yesterday when I got off work I approached my brother (I couldn't do it on Tuesday, just didn't want to I guess), and asked if he was feeling OK. He kind of said "yeah" like he was annoyed or maybe surprised I'd be asking that. Not sure. I asked if he was sure and he said it was like same "stuff" (code for annoyances re: dad, possibly his course (he didn't say) and his stutter) keeps happening over and over. I kind of lingered a bit. I didn't know how to respond without making him even more uncomfortable, and he ended up dismissing me by saying "that's it."

He didn't look at me at all. I still don't know if it's really resentment or indifference towards me, or if it's that he doesn't want to show me his feelings (a strange time to be deciding that considering I have 15+ years learning and understanding his emotions, what makes him mad or sad, etc (unfortunately the same can't be said for him re: me)). I donno... but I'm still trying to be strong and aware that I need to be self-focused.

I also got the energy to plan some things for #Inktober, which is when artists create works using ink throughout the month of October. I've been debating if I want to participate again, since I'm still on and off low on creative energy. I think I will, at least one or two per week instead of daily.

I also want to start and finish the artworks my friend Pansy (who said I'm more than welcome to move in with her after she and her brother switch apartments) commissioned me a month ago. I feel bad, I feel she'll understand. But I still feel bad. They were going to be hung up in her classroom at her new teaching job. I did let her know I'd have to finish the other commission (which ended sept 18) to start hers, and she understood but now it's late. I want to be able to finish them hopefully soon, but I won't put a date on it to and stress myself out further.

Also, I've finally gotten some more energy to continue working on my art story. I'm really glad. I was feeling so iffy about my intentions with it a couple weeks ago, feeling like it was literally "my story" and all the characters were "me" but were individual aspects of myself/personality. I still feel like that's the case... but I guess that's OK. I think many will be able to relate to it and that's part of my goal with the story.

I don't really want to overload, so I think I'll work on Pansy's commission first and then think about the other two later on.

This week I haven't had too many feelings of guilt. Just fear. Of moving out. I talked to some other members who have been incredibly encouraging, but I'm still really scared. I'm going to have to leave this job (even if it's just a part time) and find a new one... and I have no degree. I never finished school... but I've gotta be bound to find something in that new town. I feel naive. Maybe I should start looking for some job openings and check out the qualifications.

Or.. maybe I should consider taking out loans. Not even sure what school I want to consider. Or if I should just wait until my brother finishes his course in January and then my parents can help me finish school... ugh... I don't know if I can wait that long. I don't want to stay that long either. I really wish they were the type to say, "18 years old? Gotta live on your own now!" or at least encourage that. While I appreciate that considering I have only like one adult skill (calling the bank), I don't feel like it should be applauded or even reason to dismiss the other things that have lead me to this situation. I gotta remember that. Just because they're letting me live under their roof doesn't mean they weren't and aren't abusive.

There's a lot of options I need to weigh.