Self-Care and Self-Educating, ch.1

Started by tea-the-artist, September 28, 2016, 11:33:06 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

tea-the-artist

haven't journaled in a few days. Friday I was playing a video game most of the day and did groceries with my mom. I can't really remember too much about that day.

Yesterday, I had gone out with my friend (and ex girlfriend) Lily. She drove 2 hours to see me! It was a sort of art date. We went to eat first and then a little shopping and headed to a comic book shop and then to the park to paint and draw until it got dark and then to a starbucks to continue arting around..

I think here's where I'm a bit concerned... Before I left to go in my house, we kissed a lot (I was new to it, last time was 6 years ago) and for multiple moments I felt confused and kind of annoyed with myself because I wasn't "feeling" something or another. But I can't say it wasn't nice because it really was and it was with the person that I really have felt a lot and care a lot for.

But when I went to my room, I felt really ... caught up? Like the feelings I thought I was supposed to feel I finally felt them. It was like I was reliving it, and I ended up being in a daze for a couple hours until I fell asleep. I woke up again and felt like I was reliving it and all the feelings and whatnot. I stayed up for another hour until after 3:30am when I finally fell back asleep.

Not sure if that's normal for folks with CPTSD. It wasn't traumatic or scary, this was something nice and thinking back, gosh now (and earlier this morning) I'm feeling elated and thinking of her face and how happy she looked.

Part of me, I felt almost like a shell. I think some parts of those moments, I felt present with her, other moments I felt distracted, other moments I felt like a shell. It's confusing. I'm really hoping that when I've moved out and re-established myself and become fully engaged in self-focused recovery, that will change and I will understand what happened. I don't want to not feel... (I don't want the feelings to be delayed like that either!)

ALSO! Something I realized on the drive back. Although we were talking about still liking each other, I realized (when I got home) that I didn't feel an overwhelming dread. I didn't feel abandoned. I didn't feel abandoned when I got to my room. I didn't feel abandoned when I thought about her over and over, not even when I woke back up. Not even when I tried to fall back asleep. Not even this morning when I was daydreaming, not even right now. She lives two hours away, and I don't feel like I'm having object constancy issues. I don't understand why though I wonder...

Maybe it's because it felt like old times. Like "Ah this is Lily, of course I'll see her again" and who knows when that will be. But with Pansy, MG and Rose, I feel different. When they (except for Pansy who was older) graduate, I cried while exchanging End-of-the-Year gifts. They said I was silly, and that we'd still see each other during the summer, which was true, and looking back that was indeed silly.

But with Lily I just didn't feel upset that she was leaving. I really hope it isn't a delayed feeling. I really hope it's not a "nonexistent feeling" either. I think I need to think more on that. Before recently, after we stopped calling ourselves "girlfriends" I feel like I had made a weird effort to forget her because I thought I was being tossed aside and abandoned. Ugh...!! It was such a crummy impulsive thing to do. I feel like I'm faking feelings or that the delayed feelings are fake but I don't even know. Now I'm feeling confused... ???

tea-the-artist

Geez! I don't know what's up with my memory these days... still feels short term as usual but I'm kind of surprised by this?

Yesterday I also told Lily (verbally... and not through messaging like typical) more about my situation and needing to move and like always she was really supportive and validating. I think... it was nice to hear it out loud from her and not just seeing it in text. I think when she was speaking I was feeling kind of overwhelmed because I couldn't look away from any text (normally if we're messaging I have to take a few seconds break from reading... validation stuff is still really confusing). I don't know why I didn't thank her verbally.. I must have felt weird or just taking in the validation bit by bit.

But that encouragement and support regarding possibly being able to move out and focus on myself really felt good. I didn't feel the guilt like I usually do, but I did vocalize that that's what I had been feeling lately. In the last couple days, the encouragement from folks here has been really wonderful and somehow has been making me realize the guilt is unnecessary.

I feel kind of strong. Maybe because my brother and I haven't been talking very much and that he's been pretty short with me these last couple weeks.

Though, my mom and dad are still relying on my financial support... still talking about school. I think... when the option to move out is concrete I'll really know what to do. I'll have talked with Pansy and MG, and talked with Lily and Zinnia definitely since she's my longest best friend. I feel like... there will be options. I feel optimistic about the potential help along the way if I decide to move out. Maybe it's naive or just my developed instinct to hope and trust there will be someone who's invested in looking out for me in non-manipulative ways.

Normally when I think about moving out I burst into tears. But I've thought about it a lot lately and I haven't cried in some time.
(though I wonder... if I'm suppressing... I can't tell. but I have gone some days without any EFs... so maybe it's coming or maybe I'm getting stronger and more understanding and kinder towards myself?)

tea-the-artist

I stressed about the kiss all yesterday and for the last hour since I've been awake. I can't shake the worry that "What if I don't care?" or "What if I don't have feelings for her anymore" and neither of them make any sense because I do care about her and I do have feelings for her. But I'm starting to wonder if I've really distanced myself the way I have with my other friends. What if what I was feeling while being dazed out Saturday night was fake? I felt fake kissing her but then after it didn't feel fake. I feel so different I'm starting to get angry with myself.

Now it's like I've got to add "empathy" or "reconfigure my feelings" to my recovery list   :fallingbricks:

I looked so much stuff up last night, from possible dissociation to intimacy issues/anxieties. I wonder if it could be the latter, considering my difficult time with validation and showing my friends my non-jester side. I think I've cried in front of Lily maybe once, but she does know I can get upset about things, especially regarding my family.

But I do feel scared. I easily opened up about things here. I guess because I didn't already set an example that I'm only comfy with being a jokester. Lily and I had been really close and talked about things that were important to us. But we mostly like to laugh, and Saturday, I think for once I didn't want to laugh too much, but I forced myself to. I guess I wanted to talk more, maybe talk about what was going on with me and how that might affect us, but I only got to mentioning I joined a forum for folks with CPTSD and how it's been helping me figure things out.

I just have this urge to figure everything out and fix everything right NOW! Did I already forget, the key is to move out and re-establish first!

I wonder if I should be open with her about my confusion...spacing out/dazing afterwards problem. I don't want to scare her, I just want to become more open about serious things, but maybe once my recovery properly starts, I'll work on that. I don't think I have the skills to be open and not mess it up right now. Future thinking is so hard, but I gotta do it.

tea-the-artist

Last night I ended up chatting with someone on 7cups to help me sort things out. I still don't know if what I was feeling or my distancing was dissociation or something else. But I did realize some things.

Saturday when Lily and I hung out, I think I was really wanting things to slow down. Not so much re: being in a relationship, but just the day itself. I hadn't seen her in so long. It felt so unreal. Like I was coasting the entire time. I don't know what that really means, but I guess it explains why kissing didn't seem right and that I couldn't focus on being in the moment because my actual self (?) hadn't even caught up yet. And why minutes later when I got up to my room, then I could feel the moment, though unfortunately it had already passed.

Something else, I realized maybe I felt like I needed to be grounded. I spoke to the 7cups listener yesterday about looking back on Saturday and wishing Lily had held my face gently in her hands. Eventually, I realized I needed to be strongly or tightly held by her because the day seemed to go so fast even though we were together for almost 8 hours. I guess I wanted a different kind of physical contact that felt more of a "reassurance of love." That was what the listener had said. I didn't feel weird about them calling it "love" I guess because I have (had?? still have??) a strong love for all my friends. Hugs with my friends don't last long and I think the last longest hug I had was probably many months ago if not within a couple years ago. But when I thought more about it, I feel like maybe I would have become more present if we had a really nice, strong, (intimate?) hug.  I really wanted to be in her arms and like feel her presence.

It's kind of a bummer because I don't know when we'll meet up again.

But I figured I really wanted to be open and honest about my feelings (that didn't involve my family) and the listener helped me become confident about telling her. So I did. I wish it could have been through the phone but I have issues with that, so it was done over a text. Long text. I feel like I may have overwhelmed her or made her anxious because I'm sure she must have gotten at least 10 messages of my broken up long text.

But I really had to tell her or it'd bug me. I was really honest. I felt so embarrassed and felt so exposed and vulnerable and I ended up crying when I talked about wanting to be held. I think that was the first time I've cried in about a week (I'll probably talk about that in the next entry). I donno if it was an EF though (perhaps feeling miserable or abandoned when I thought about hugging) or just feeling really strong emotions.

Now I feel kind of nervous since I haven't gotten a response yet. I went to bed a bit before midnight (or was it after? I forget if Friends was on or Fresh Prince) and woke back up around 2:30am and couldn't sleep for an hour. I kept checking my texts. But... I also feel a slightly tiny bit stronger. More confident? To be open about something like that that felt embarrassing. I had expressed something like that earlier this summer, but since then a lot has changed and I just felt like it was important to voice what I was feeling so that there would be no confusion about it in the future. But also perhaps its important to feel vulnerable like that. I know I have the chance to get hurt in this, but bottling things up has been my 15+year forte and no one I know is a mind reader.

If things go well, I could count this as a small success in my Recovery [Lite] Journey I think!

tea-the-artist

I have a lot to journal but I'll save the bulk for later since I'm at work... :doh:

While I was reading a couple threads in the Inner Child board, a student came in 10 minutes ago to take a test where I do makeup proctoring and he looks so much like one of my best friends MG (morning glory!). I had one of those "mini heart attacks," but got him settled as necessary. I guess it kind of spooked me a little, I haven't seen or spoken to MG since the summer other than to congratulate him on his new teaching job.

This sort of prompted me to think about texting him. I got another strange feeling in my heart, but ended up doing it anyway (even muttered "ugh just do it!"). For some reason afterwards, I started feeling uneasy. Having that feeling of potential abandonment when he didn't respond immediately. I can't say for sure if that's my IC getting uneasy, but I tried to think "well sure he will, come on, it's Thursday at 1:30pm, he's probably teaching a class!"

Funny enough, he just messaged me, and now I'm at a loss for what to say. ???

But I wouldn't be surprised if that uneasy scared feeling was my IC (maybe upset with me that I decided to text MG?). Yesterday I got some interesting feedback regarding my IC that kind of has me relieved about a copy mechanism I do. This week has been really strange, attempts at assertiveness and openness, also short EFs coming at me. I'm kind of excited for the next entry but I want to do a little more reading!

tea-the-artist

Today really seemed to be a good day! Managed myself well during work, I even made my lunch for the first time in what seems like over a month. Texted my friend MG and we fell back into old texting and I had a really nice laugh (during my shift smh!) I also saw my longest best friend Zinnia at the store she works at. That made me super happy! I've been feeling so bad about being distant to my friends lately. I kind of impulsively texted MG and it ended well and (feels like it) lead to seeing my other close friend. How nice! (I also got to look at some flowers and houseplants at the store, just a bonus!)

On the drive back home, I told myself "Today has really been a good day! It doesn't at all reflect badly on your brother! Remember that." And I am. I'm actively trying to remember that. I haven't felt this... warm.. in months. Suddenly I have all the urges to see my friends.

Even bigger (if not on the same level), I have a new appreciation for a coping mechanism that developed in my childhood! I was posting in the Dissociation thread about this habit I have of speaking to imaginaries to cope with loneliness and neglect/lack of emotional support. I've always felt embarrassed about this since the moment I started senior year of high school, and now almost 6 years later, I don't feel so ashamed. Especially considering I'm stuck with an abusive FOO for the meantime, it's probably a top priority to survive right now (though I'm still trying to find ways to unlearn some things).

It seems though, that I've probably been in contact with my inner child for... a while. If I think about it, it's probably been at least 3 or 4 years? I'm trying to think of the conversation topics I had back then. But talking with an imagined brother and/or parents, it seems my IC has already been yelling about what she needed, and perhaps in those conversations, when I spoke up about how it hurt me (in a way that I as an adult can comprehend), that was me speaking for her.

Even the less intense and upsetting conversations, like often I sit and paint and will sort of "chat to myself" (chatting to imagined IRL friends or comfort characters from shows that I like (recently it's been the new Voltron show)) it's giving my IC company. I never got to hang out with friends outside of school hours until my junior year in high school, so I made up for it in imaginary friends that I carried through to adulthood. I haven't fully gotten past feeling embarrassed about it, but I'm working to embrace it and actively use it in low times/EFs. It does "go away" when I'm interacting with people in real life. But I'm learning to appreciate this more.

One of the imagined things I used to do as a kid was lipsync to songs as if I'm performing/practicing in front of friends or big crowds. I still do this actually, and it's probably why whenever I go days without listening to music, I become saddened, likely to go into freeze mode if something bothers me in the present.

I've actually been noticing some songs I like seem like "Survivor Anthems" like SIA's "Alive" and "Burn The Pages," and Solange's recent "Don't Wish Me Well" (possibly?). I might put together a playlist one of these days to encourage my growth and determination to leaving of this place.

I also realize a lot of my recent imaginings are of my characters (from the art story I'm writing and illustrating) as young children. Between ages 2 and 5 typically. There's a number of characters that I relate to, and only one of them was specifically abused as a child and into his adulthood. I suppose they unintentionally are all representations of singular aspects of what I think of myself. But in the imaginings, the kids (we? me?) are with the characters from Voltron who are at their normal ages and are being babysat by the five characters. The crossover happened recently (a little after I started watching the show).

This is all super complex, but I'll let what happens happen.

tea-the-artist

Just want to start this entry with how proud I am. I started this journal 19 days ago, and it's made a world of difference. It's been some time since I've felt incredibly defeated about being unable to move away from abusive FOO, and I think that's good. I've been approaching it differently and it's thanks to joining this site!

I can't say enough how important it's been for me to have a safe place to sort my thoughts and not get criticized for negative feelings.
--
The last couple days have been interesting. I've still heard nothing back from Lily, which has saddened me at least twice a day, but I think I've been managing it well? I think because of my new understanding of my inner child (and possibly children). I've been able to calm her down remind her it's OK to be upset, but be understanding that she's not being abandoned. It's still kind of tricky, but I'm trying to be a sensible adult about it considering both Lily and I are facing mental illness and a toxic home with little way out.

On the downside, it's hard to get past when I feel bad for being honest. My honest has gotten me hurt quite a lot in the past and present and it's tough to not get a response from me being incredibly honest about something I was really embarrassed and ashamed and nervous about. I gotta be an adult, but I can't deny it hurts, especially since it's not the first time with her particularly.

In other news, I also had another dream that signified I need to move out. I was literally looking at apartments with some friends so my subconscious couldn't be more obvious. I really wish I could get that ball rolling but it's not really up to me right now I don't think. I'm too nervous to ask my friends about their new place. They have 3 bedrooms, but I don't want to feel like I'm intruding or like I want to mooch or something (what a thing to say after years of being emotionally mooched off of).

I also had a sudden imagining that I was talking to a therapist about my situation with Lily. I talked about how it hurt that when I was honest, it might have turned her away and made me feel bad. They asked why did I feel bad, and I said it makes me feel sad when people don't talk to me. I was asked why again, and I said "I felt unworthy." I guess I'm processing in more ways than I think. It made me feel like I had messed up trying to explain (I did send those texts kind of impulsively), but I even sent a follow up apologizing that they were long and probably made her anxious. That failed, but I'm trying to remember that she might be having a tough time and that I need to be patient.

At one point I think my inner critic was muttering about how I shouldn't have been honest, that I shouldn't have texted in the first place. I kept saying to be quiet! And how that didn't make any sense and that if I wanted my relationships with all my friends to get better, I needed to be honest about how I was feeling. Sheesh. That voice has been creeping here and there, and I think I've just been running from them.

I really wish I could move out soon. I can't really say it's getting more and more unbearable being here, but I've been getting closer and closer realizing I don't deserve to live here at all. I tried to explain to my friend Zinnia, but I think she just took it as me being unable to deal with my family being mean to me. Even if that was the case, I still wouldn't deserve to live here. But I just want to start moving on and away. I don't like the feeling of being the cause of someone else's misery when in reality it was someone else #2's reaction to my action that makes someone else miserable. I still feel bits of creeping guilt about moving out, about leaving them all in a serious financial crunch (geez, if I was to move out today, I'd have $17 to my name...), but I'm really fighting that. Trying to learn every day, and stick to my gut feelings.

I keep daydreaming about a domestic life because I'm so incredibly tired. I don't want to do anything. I just need 10 years to have a break to myself or with someone who cares about me. I'm so exhausted I wanna be that wife who cooks nice cute things for her wife/partner and lives a moderately stress free life. Ugh I can't express how tired I am!! If I have one more dream about packing bags or moving out or apartment searching, I might yell!!

tea-the-artist

I keep feeling like I've got to one day (soon) confront my brother about our relationship since childhood... how I've sort of been a surrogate parent to him, the physical abuse (that I just became aware was actually "physical abuse" ugh).. the constant invalidation (and invalidation as justification for his own feelings). It is really exhausting living here, though my breaking point hasn't yet come yet. Every day I don't speak or joke around with him I feel bad for it like I have done something wrong. But I just don't feel comfortable anymore. I don't feel very safe after all this realization.

Maybe I want things to go back, to us being jokey jokesters and me just "taking" the invalidation and the pain that comes with being the sort of sister I grew up into. I don't know.

I'm still isolating myself in my room. I keep the door closed (he does too) and I just want to be left alone but I want to be alone with someone that cares about me. Last night I ended up crying myself to sleep realizing again how alone I am (and constantly battled the image of my brother and the words "but he is too, even more than you"), how much I just.. miss affectionate physical touch. How I'm just not going to get it from this family. I just don't feel much of anything towards any of them really. I feel so on and off indifferent these days. I feel resentment and general tiredness regarding my dad. But I just don't care. I care about my mom, but at the same time I just don't care. I care a great deal about my brother, but I'm also extremely exhausted. Too tired to care.

I feel like maybe the last time I was in trouble a month ago, when I told my mom I didn't think any of them loved or cared about me (though she had asked if I thought I was loved, and I just shook my head), I guess I really did believe it. At the time, I was just unsure and tired and confused about what everyone really thought about me. Like suddenly I had been pulled out of some self-induced trance and just became and felt so detached.

Detached. That's a way to put it. I feel so honestly out of place, I'm still confused about my identity, I can't really rebuild that while I'm still living at home. I don't feel that out of body detached. Maybe.. no.. just.. I don't belong here. The me that everyone raised isn't right, isn't me. Isn't real maybe? I'm sure I'm real, just... I can't explain.

tea-the-artist

(changing the title of this journal since I think now I've taken a really important step to recovering)
I've been struggling to write this entry for 3 hours now. I guess, good news, I finally got a chance to start reading Pete Walker's famous book. I'm a really slow reader so I'm getting by, but after chapter 1, I started with chapter 5 (the title What if I Was Never Hit? really resonated with me). I've almost finished but already it's gotten me pretty emotional. A couple understanding/validating sentences for some reason sound like possibly my ICr saying those things to me rather than understanding it being another adult believing what happened to me was indeed traumatizing. I'm sure I'll work through that, but it was kind of unexpected (my reaction).

I think I gained a further and new understanding of some of my "imaginings" especially the ones where I'm talking with my brother or family. I do this outside of imaginings, but I do a lot of drasticizing. I remember all the times I wanted to go hang out with my friends (as an adult) but also being extremely anxious about asking my dad for permission. I can't remember how I imagined it, but I always felt like my asking alone would set him off and turn the house into chaos again.

An even earlier memory actually. I was in 7th grade and my class was going on a field trip somewhere and I was to bring home a permission slip so either of my parents could sign. I never did tell them or show them the slip until it was too late. On the day of the trip, I told my mom I didn't want to go to school, and the field trip ended up being revealed. I said I forgot, and my parents were very disappointed in my "bad memory" but I just didn't want to go through the trouble of asking for permission. Not even sure what I expected out of that situation, but that's 13 year olds for you.

QuoteYou learned early tthat, no matter how hurt, alienated, or terrified you were, turning to a parent would do nothing more than exacerbate your experience of rejection.

I missed out on a lot of things because of that drastacizing tendency, though nowadays, despite still having that anxious feeling, I have actually graduated from saying "Dad can I go hang out with Rose, Pansy and MG?" to "Dad, me, Rose, Pansy and MG are going to starbucks on Saturday around noon." Sometime ago (last year?) I had a small moment of pride at my progression. Now it's just natural to assert that I will be going somewhere. I never face any issues, but I still have that anxiety about speaking up about what I want to do and where I want to go with friends.

I'm also starting to learn to not minimize my emotional abuse and neglect/abandonment. It really was abandonment. I was so unsure before, since I don't have much early memories. I was thinking about asking my mom questions about when I was really small, baby and toddler age so she might unintentionally hint at things done or not done to me at those ages. I think I have such a strange idea of what "childhood" means that I feel like by age 8 (the key "It All Started When" age) I was already a grown up and expected to emotionally take care of myself at the least. That anything after age 8 doesn't really count because of my "grown up status" so I wasn't really impressionable. Very false, but I do want to know more about those early childhood times.

Even at kindergarten age (5) I can't remember anything affectionate. Maybe "happy fun times" but nothing affectionate.

I also realized my issue with being open and honest to others. I can't say that I fully understand because of my recent text impulse.

QuoteEven love, coming their way, reverberates threateningly on a subliminal level. Unconsciously, they fear that if they momentarily "trick" someone into liking them, the forbidden prize will vanish once their social perfectionism inevitably fails and exposes their unworthiness. Moreover, when this occurs, they will be triggered even more deeply into the abandonment mélange.

If that's not me in 1/4 a nutshell... I remember one time thinking about how I "set an example" that my friends see and become used to. The happy go lucky gal who loves to laugh and make others laugh. And how it's so unbearable feeling the need to be comforted by those friends, but feeling so despicable at the thought of letting them see how I "really" am. Even to this day, as incredibly close as my 5 close buds are to me, none of them have really seen me... raw? Two of them had already mentioned early in the friendship that they're uncomfortable when others cry in front of them, so that was clue enough that they weren't "safe" to open up to. Even the others, I just felt and still feel too compelled to keep the really bad stuff inside for myself to deal with.

Reading through that, I feel like my reaction to not getting a response from Lily from over a week ago might have brought me into an EF. It's still tough to deal with but at least I'm gaining some understanding. I'm trying to remember what's important was that I was able to try really hard to be open and not hide whatever I was feeling. And not take the lack of response as a reason not to do that anymore. That'll be hard to learn.

It's been hours now, I think I should stop and go back to reading and sleep soon. A last thought, I wonder if my new understandings will have an effect on my dreams. Maybe as I understand more, I'll dream about actually and finally settling in a new apartment. Maybe by that time, I'll have already mustered the courage to move out semi-guilt-free (if not completely guilt free). That'd be nice  ;D

tea-the-artist

#24
I only just realized while reading From Surviving to Thriving... that I started with chapter 5 (What if I Was Never Hit?) and it dawned on me. I was hit. I was. How did I forget? I can't concretely remember when it began and ended. But I definitely was hit. I feel so embarrassed to not have even thought about it (whether it was from my parents or my brother).

Gosh I feel really scared to even go there, as if dealing with the emotional abuse and abandonment (which I can now properly differentiate and acknowledge they both happened to me) isn't enough to deal with... I never really looked into what symptoms look like in those who were physically abused. I just never thought about it until now and now.. I feel so ridiculous and overwhelmed  :fallingbricks: I'm kind of mad at myself too... I left this out, never thought once because I figured it "didn't happen like that" so that's not on my list of Things Tea's Gotta Recover From. ughhh..

maybe later after reading chapter 5, I'll do some research on that. I don't know if I want to though considering I've set so many records in speedy self-invalidation. (at least it's the last day of work this week so I can go home and do something nice for myself).

Three Roses

I also had remembered things recently (within the last couple of years) about my childhood, and young adult years, and I felt kinda dumb for forgetting. They're not small things, either! But I think sometimes our minds hide things from us for our emotional health. Then, at a time when we can face and address these issues, our mind allows us to remember. At least that's the only thing I cam come up with, to explain why I forgot these things.  :)

I'm learning to go easier on myself and be more forgiving of my human-ness.

tea-the-artist

Three Roses that makes a lot of sense! On some level I've always known I've gotten hit as punishment. It just didn't seem "important" so I must have shoved that all the way to the back, keeping just he general "yeah I got spanked so what?" mentality until recently.

I don't think I've come to he point I can properly confront those memories (a month ago I had a really intense flashback at work that scared me so much) but I hope the day will come.

I think I also need to learn to go easy on myself too! And sit with myself and really understand these subconscious processes that tried to work to keep me feeling safe all this time

tea-the-artist

I spent all day at work yesterday reading more in depth about the 4F responses and I definitely confirmed I am a fawn type, with a bit of freeze. I already knew, but I learned some new info that will be handy to reference in the future. I also wrote some notes to journal about since I was too tired to journal last night.

On the car ride to work, I actually started tearing up realizing my brother abandoned me too. In a way, since he's not my parent. Along with my parents, none of them had any real interest in the things I was interested in (I learned "lack of interest" is a way of abandoning). Growing up and still today, I have always had an interest in art and drawing things and nobody really cared. None of them ever ASKED about stuff I drew or liked drawing.

I'll never forget my grade school self asking my dad if I could become an artist when I got older, and he blatantly said "No." I felt really bad on our drive to my school. I still ended up doing it anyway since at least some of the teachers and friends took interest in what I drew (I think I oughta write letters or something of thanks to them).

What's ironic is that a decade and a half later, the three of them have a low to mild interest. My brother once asked me if I knew how to do character design, since he's into learning game developing. My mom asked me for her portrait (I did one for mother's day last year but she asks every now and then like she forgot). Even a few months ago, my dad asked me to redraw something his friend/relative sent him. I took the image but ended up not doing it because of the irony. In the end of summer, he asked if I had finished it and I pretended to not know what he was talking about. He got upset but didn't bug me about it. To this day (hasn't been long but still) I just don't care. Funny enough, my friends were the first to buy me art supplies for art (and not school supplies that also counted as art supplies). Funny.

Another bit of irony, on New Years this year, my dad asked what my resolutions were, and I said I wanted to create more art more consistently. He asked why I never show him the kind of art I do, and I said because he never asks (translation: "you were never interested and at one point you called my stuff junk and you took all the art off my walls when I was away at college, so why would I think you cared?"), and he told me that was no excuse. He lectured for a bit but I seemed to have tuned him out watching the TV.

It's taking some time to realize that's emotional abandonment but logically I know it is. At the very least, it's annoying, but I guess I'll feel intense anger or sadness when I finally understand and stop minimizing.

Also, this memory occasionally comes to me every once and a while, and when I tell my mom, she denies this ever happening (my brother too for some reason, I vaguely remember him being there but maybe not). When I was about 3 or 4, I was sitting on the floor of the living room. I was throwing a quarter up and down (the way you would with a ball) and I remember it falling into my mouth. I can't remember if I swallowed it or not (I think I did, but maybe I coughed it up in my following panic). I remember running to my parents room, their door closed, and banging on the door for them to come help me. I don't remember them opening the door to check on me. I was in tears and yelling and banging but still nobody showed up. At some point I think I calmed down.

Thinking about it, I guess that was the earliest memory I have right now of being abandoned. I still worry I'm remembering it all wrong, but I just.. don't think that's the case. I know it had to have happened.

Really grateful for this reading, it's making me think about a lot of things, bringing a lot forward so I can properly label things. Just having a better understanding of CPTSD and how it affects me and how I deal with life and people just helps a lot! :)

annakoen

:hug:

Tea, I can relate so much. I wanted to be an artist too and all my dad could do was drink and drink and drink and make derigatory remarks about "my daughter becoming a Picasso". So what, I think now. Picasso was awesome!

It is so painful when our abilities, desires, hopes and dreams are unrecognized, pushed away. There is a very very clear line between a and a history of neglect and rejection of your dreams versus a supportive parent, who has been there for their child, saying "I worry for your income if you would become an artist, can I help you to make a plan that allows for your creative side to be expressed as well as having something to fall back on?". I would have hoped to have had the second variety. I have chosen a different field and am doing well, no regrets on choosing this field, but major **pain** from the rejection when I was a teenager.

Sorry to hijack, I just came here to say, I totally understand.
:hug: :hug: :hug:

tea-the-artist

annakoen no worries! it's nice to have others be able to relate to this :hug: It really is still painful sometimes. I think I was lucky enough to have teachers and peers who were impressed. My parents wanted me to get into journalism when I started high school and college, and I ended up following through despite my dislike for it. Eventually, I got some courage to tell my dad one summer that it wasn't my interest. I had to back it up with some research on graphic design (which was just a step closer to illustration, which is what I want to do now) and it worked but now school's been on hold for 2 years.

It's pretty frustrating realizing if I had the support to begin with, my first 2 years of college wouldn't have felt like a waste. My dad always said condescending things too, like "What are you gonna be? One of those artists with holes in their pants carrying around a portfolio?" When he said that I was in such shock. How in the world could my own parent use something so stereotypical and hurtful to me? About something I had such a huge passion for? :Idunno:

One day I hope if I ever become successful in this and he wants to take credit, I'll remind him of the many things he's said to me to discourage me. But I'm glad your different chosen field has worked out for you and continues to work for you in the future! :)