Self-Care and Self-Educating, ch.1

[Blueberry]

it'll HAVE to happen. one of us will leave first, and the other will leave second and hopefully progress into happier lives. by going out. and getting what we want. regardless the effort. waiting around won't help us. and as i've been told in this very journal, we cannot become healthier in a toxic environment. and i said that to him, we can't grow in an unhealthy place. he agreed, feeling stagnant. so while the issue is feeling abandoned... the reality is that i'm not. i'm still his sister, still gonna call and communicate. we're adults. 24 and 30. part of adulthood is not waiting around for someone else to call the shots and make the moves for you. or move pieces into place for you. that's my take. i'm tired of waiting for him like he wants me to. i may have an outlet of friends but it doesn't change the fact that i'm not getting any better. any younger. one of us has to leap and get through all the obstacles first, and if it has to be me, then i'll suck it up as I always have.

Strong and wise words, Tea! 

[Wife#2]

Standing by, holding my breath, hoping you'll choose Tea and HER health and HER wellbeing, for long enough to escape. Cheering you on no matter what you decide. This is YOUR life, you get to choose the next step. Those who have no motivation to change, won't. Those who do may get sidetracked, but change they will. I think you are one who has motivation! 

[tea-the-artist]

have been talking to M during lunch break. i took an hour accidentally today but it's summer so it went unnoticed. lot of frustration i've vented in the short time. last week she asked what it was she could do to make things right and i told her there was nothing. i don't think i even care what can be done because i know nothing can change. F's going to continue being a narcissist and hurting everyone. i dont know how you can emotionally hurt a narc and still stay safe when you're dependent on them.

i told her also about pansy and MG offering their place. she kept wanting to "bring it up" to make the situation better and i strongly told her not to and if anything happens then i would certainly move out next week. i dont want my brother having to suffer any more because of these "talks" that come of nothing but F controlling the conversation and me and bro grovelling and apologizing while F reinforces in himself that he's always right, will always be right, and has not and never will be the problem. meanwhile M watches in the close distance as her two kids get mercilessly chewed out and emotionally destroyed even more than what seems to be possible.

i don't know how she can't be angry. maybe we're the same in that it's hard to pick up the anger and keep it when you're powerless in a way. i told her she needs to be a better mom to bro and look at my relationship with him, how we are never awkward unless with the parents. she's not going to get it. i don't think she is.

im back at work and she came by to hug me and hope i feel better? it was just a short while ago, i'm not sure how I already forgot. i didn't hug back. i'm just tired and need to eat because i didn't eat at all in the hour we talked. she's not gonna get any of this. at the beginning of our conversation she told me she read into cptsd and told me she didn't want me to be diagnosing myself, because it could be called something else, just because i feel like my brother deals with some of the things. but i tried to gear it back to myself because this is essentially about me. not focusing on my brother, but me. she said the same about diagnosing but of course it was unhelpful. "don't want you to feel this way... i wish you didn't feel this way." would have helped me more if she looked more into it and put pieces together either for herself or for me, and not say anything at all but act on it.

she still thinks she was always there for me the best she could, and i guess that could be true, but the results don't really show that. all those times spent alone isn't being there for me. all the times i got bullied at school and got told "try not to cry" (and the times i got bullied and DIDN'T tell them). told her she didn't stand up for us vehemently like i figured a mom would. told her they did the bare minimum. food. clothing. shelter. education. all the things if you didn't provide your kid you could legally get in trouble i assume. no laws against not being emotionally neglectful to your child. signs might look like they're shy.

i assume we'll continue talking tomorrow during my break but again, i'm just tired.

[Wife#2]

Tea,

Yes, there are some telling comments from your Mom. I think that she really does love you, but that she is damaged more than she realizes or is willing to admit. Otherwise, she wouldn't have emotionally abandoned you in favor of your father.

I understand this, having some guilt on this score. Now that I can see myself more clearly, I see how much work I have ahead of me. If it was just me, I wouldn't feel such urgency. But, my DS9 has only one childhood and it's half over already.

What struck me was how your Mom was able to invalidate your feelings with 'don't want you to...' 'wish you didn't...' statements about your feelings. She's read up on cPTSD. Nice. Did she understand that even just ONE person helping the child can make the difference? Even having my heart-mother sister made a big difference for me. You had your brother, but only when his need wasn't greater in his mind.

Yes, your Mom did do the best that she could, sad to say. And, you are doing the best YOU can now. If she deserves latitude for her failings back then, don't you deserve some now, for the consequences of your childhood?

About your option of a place to go, you may want to make it clear that this is YOUR information to share or withhold as YOU see fit. While you did share it with her, that was not intended to be shared BY her with anyone else. If she is unable to restrain herself, please make it clear so you can decide how you want to cope with the likely consequences.

I'm so sorry that the conversation with your Mom has made you so sad and unsettled and even angry. You deserve those emotions. They are YOURS! You have a right to voice or not voice your emotions as you see fit. They are YOURS. You also have a right to feel your emotions without being chastised just for HAVING those emotions. They are YOURS.

I hope that, if she does want to talk tomorrow, you agree only if it's what you also want. But, that if you don't want to, you may feel granted permission to refuse another lunch discussion. I also hope that you don't always feel conversations like this with your Mom aren't always wasted time. 

[tea-the-artist]

I was almost thinking I may have been too harsh yesterday. just almost. i remember she stood up and walked to me in a shocked kind of .. anger or urgency, when i brought up the thing my dad said when they were speculating that i might be gay 10 years ago. i couldn't tell if she was angry with me or had thought i meant that I said or felt that way (when it was my dad, i clarified). maybe more so that she was scared, and that's understandable and i don't fault her for that.

yesterday i had some thoughts on how i feel about "feeling loved" and it's very hard to say. listing all the things from this journal, and the things i didn't write about or remember, all those actions done onto me out of "love"? i tried to question her on that. a lot of "shouldn't have said that" and "maybe i'm just old school" etc etc.

we'll discuss more today. i'm planning on bringing up them reading my journals and i think her response to this will tell me much of what i need to confirm. the big issue is "treating me like i'm worthless" and she felt like she didn't ever. i hate to see them as a singular unit instead of mom and dad, but when dad's actions overshadow her it's kind of hard when she doesn't back me up or protect me. i can understand the fear behind the inaction but understanding is different than accepting or forgiving and in the end this is where we are.

im assuming for now that her response about the journals will be "but you wrote [this and that]" and try to make me the issue (and reason for them invading) rather than the true issue that they not only invaded my privacy, but the prided themselves on it when they found "bad stuff" or "incriminating stuff" (like talking about my friend who I had a crush on who was also a girl). that when i cried in front of them, feeling caught and exposed for something I couldn't understand, they didn't care. they didn't think my right to privacy mattered. didn't think my feelings mattered. so the response to that will be telling.

i've thought a lot on wht you said wife#2 and will keep them in mind as i alwys would. i've wondered if there really is anything more she can do to help. i wonder if i feel that way because i want to help her and be nice and accepting any help, though i feel that will bring me back into "i feel content at home" territory, when i'm trying to move out ideally before summer ends but realistically before 2018.



in some related but nicer news i want to write about, saturday was a great day for me. incredibly great. that's what ive been thinking about, how my friends feel like a good family. i got to see MG and Pansy's older sister and niece and we had a dinner at an italian restaurant and it really felt so nice. i felt so deliriously happy about it. we were all chatting. i didn't feel too awkward or quiet. the older sister, Lavender i'll say, is really funny and talked to me as if we'd met more than the 2 times we'd spoken. i really appreciated that! the whole dinner was really good, and then we went to her house and I got to see the cats again while MG tried to open the door from the other side while Lavender and Violet went shorts shopping.

i just had a good good time. we went for ice cream when they returned and that was also really nice. i felt a bit out of place because of some shows i never watched, but still nice. chatting in the car effortlessly. getting praised because the cats didn't bite me like they would other strangers.

so i really felt at peace and at home and dreaded coming home of course.


if i can be honest, i'll say my family would be better without my dad. he's hurt all of us, but when me and mom and bro come together, even if on bad terms, it still feels like a family. i used to feel so so bad for shouting and raising my voice at her because i don't want that for anyone. i feel like i'm dad and speaking to her like that. but even still, the 3 of us talk, and if dad hasn't come home from an errand yet, then we taper off into a quieter discussion.

i wonder if it'd be any different now that she's got hopefully some understanding of cptsd. if she were to talk to both of us, or let us talk to her together. that's a talk i'd want. i guess, i want us to be a team. stronger for each other. but that can't happen i don't think, while bro and i are still living here. i can't even say i was good back when his relationship with her was good.

but i just wish my dad didn't have any presence. a nice way to put it. mom could be stronger and focus on herself and her kids. but we're not kids anymore and i'm itching to go because it's too late for a lot of things. i dont want an apology because.. it won't work. like they say, the best apology is changed behavior. something i couldn't really even learn, to be honest.

well i am sorry to myself. little tea. i've worked on becoming stronger for her so i can make changes that weren't made for me. keep her safe and validate her feelings. feed her and care for her, like my signature says.


i'm wondering about a potential move-out boost. i feel bad to borrow money, but i need money to cushion moving out and essentially convince my parents of it. i feel naive, but maybe i can borrow some amount of money, move out, and give it back. that could be an option. i just need anything to help moving out easier, and if it's fake convincing my parents that i've been saving up for my future, then maybe that could help.

of course i could always go with plan A which is somehow getting kicked out for being gay, my gender (which i'll talk about in another entry), or for excessive talking back (aka standing up for myself). but i've thought about it and i wonder if it's even like narcissists to even WANT to kick anyone they've got a hold on out of their house. that'd probably be painful. to lose someone you've got a manipulative grip on. that's like freeing your prey. letting go the thing that gives you power and control.

[tea-the-artist]

back from lunch. more crying. talked to mom about how i've never been able to come to her or dad or both at once for emotional support. she talked for a bit about how she wishes things could be different so she can do it over. unhelpful, but i get it. told her to look into the symptoms of emotional abuse, physical abuse/corporal punishment, and emotional child neglect. i need her to see the reality i'm dealing with, and what i dealt with as a child. i wish i had the time, but i need to emphasize child.

i talked about the journals, the invasion, invalidating my feelings about it, punishing me for it. saying they'd put me in a detention center for it. didn't remember about how they took my journals away, but maybe tomorrow. talked about them strongly discouraging me from art. how they didn't care how that made me feel, and thus made me feel they didn't care about me.

overall what i'm getting from her is that she didn't realize their ways affected me the way it has. didn't realize their best efforts turned out to be their worst, as she said. she felt also the biggest thing was the way they focused on my academics, pushing me into journalism instead of art. i told her i didn't fault them for wanting me to have a back up, but that when they constantly made me feel bad about my art (calling it "junk," taking them down from my walls while im away at college) is the issue.

told her about the grocery store incident when i was coming into walking and talking age. the "don't let me catch you crying." and how that seemed to kickstart some things for me in terms of who i can and can't talk to and trust with my feelings.

she says she knows i'm hurting. still, i can't bring myself to actually "feel" it. im still dealing with detachment issues and trying to feel validation and such as genuine as i can feel in my heart. she also said she doesn't want to lose the relationship we have and become estranged.

i feel what will what will work for me is moving out and then becoming healthy and deciding how i feel. what i eventually want from them. i think on a level i'm willing to keep my relationship with my mom but only untouched by dad. and that i also don't want a relationship with him because he is incapable of growing, as far as i can see.

i also told her about how long i've continued to suffer, even when i had the opportunity to get away from it. i repeated December 2015 as many times as i could to emphasize how long i've been waiting. for anything. for change.

i briefly talked to her about identity loss. i can't and probably won't go further with that because it's an extremely complicated thing i'm dealing with and i'm currently rebuilding in what feels safe for me and it being in terms of gender most importantly is very crucial and important to me feeling whole and complete as a person. likely won't talk much about it on the forum in or out of the journal but i'm glad to say i've found what works and what makes me feel good and like ME.

i'm still not sure what i need or want out of these conversations. i can't visualize any of them changing. i daydream about being able to stand up to them. and tell them what i've been through and how i feel about it. that's what i'm doing now, with mom. but even more i daydream about already being moved out. being in the embrace of friends who loves me, a partner who loves me. all of whom care for me deeply and who i can healthily love and care for too.

what i really want is to have just myself on my mind. and myself to focus on bettering. i want to just get some time to be selfish because i missed that window. i spent much of my short life worrying about everyone. creating defense and coping mechanisms to deal with everyone else. how to make everyone else happy. but what big things am i doing to make myself happy? i know what i need to do.

[Wife#2]

  

[tea-the-artist]

and the cycle continues! have gained zero reasons to stay. not that it would have mattered. i made up my mind about moving ASAP/before the year ends.

growing more and more tired. at least i'm still keeping up the MaDD (maladaptive daydreaming, which i've now confirmed but have always kind of known since about a year ago) and continuing my hypothetical arguments where everyone finally shuts up and lets me talk.

some package issues yesterday. dad told bro to watch and listen out for it. by the time we came home, he said nothing had come and that he didn't hear anything. bro said dad walked away while he was talking, shaking his head (predictable) like bro is a fool. bit later, while i tried to stay in my room and remind myself i'm not involved in any of this, got called to bro's room while dad's downstairs, mom comes in too and he vents. very angry, his predictable anger that can escalate towards my dad.

mom of course is not being strong. wants him to calm down, makes sense. but is also NOT LISTENING! constantly turning her back and trying to walk out room, or messing with her nails or just overall avoiding eye contact. it's pissing me off because that's opposite what bro needs. how do i know that and i'm not even his mom (well...)

continue venting and talking. she keeps interrupting to calm him down, i tell her this is the exact thing i've been trying to talk to her about. showing no respect to your children. let us speak. we'll calm down later!

it's dragging on. i'm more angry with mom than dad even though he caused this and it looked and sounds like my bro's last straw. they talked about how it's not beneficial for him to explode on dad. of course. makes sense. after a while mom leaves, bro and i continue talking. at one point he turned to me and said "i truly believe mom does love us. because at least she makes the effort to come talk to us" after i said she's a bystander watching us get chewed out and emotionally destroyed by dad. i guess it's true, but love... is a confusing and painful concept for me to grasp right now after so much learning about trauma.

by the end of it, i was trying to talk about moving out subtly and how biding my time isn't going to work and that i'm not going to get better staying here... and that as an adult we have to take care of the baggage before we try to do all these new things that require us to have skills we definitely weren't taught. he seemed to cut me off there. "don't want to be talking like a self help group" and ended the conversation so it wouldn't drag on.

i started crying but his back was to me showing me the stuff he's worked on in a software. stopped crying pretty soon after. i feel defeated. none of what i'm saying is getting through to either of them CLEARLY and i'm trying not to force feed them and say my way is the best way, but suggest because it's worked for me.

mom wants to continue this on friday, i'll probably talk to her again during break. but they just don't get that you just get tired and when you get the opportunity to make your life better, you need to take it. no regrets about it because it isn't fair for me to continue sacrificing my mental health for 3 people that i apparently need to keep coddling like a mom. i assume i'll have to blatantly tell them "yes i'm moving out before the year ends" on friday if dad decides to continue lyfting.

im furious with both of them and they just don't get it, bro in particular. not understanding having to emotionally care for someone else. and he'll call himself saying he'd do this and that and the opposite of what dad does if he has kids. it's not that easy! it's extremely not that easy to just DO it. you have to learn how to from healthy example and hard work and he's done none of that and gotten none of that.

and then again, there's what he also said to me. "You gotta look out for yourself. And same for me." and I told him. well maybe I should just be mean and cold. And actually look out for myself, and to do that, I need to focus on myself and moving forward. He tried to reword himself but I already know what he meant. the same needing me to stay. he said again it doesn't benefit him to move out. what he doesn't realize or is afraid to realize or confront, is that it benefits ME to move out. he knows i have the option. and if he doesn't get it yesterday, he'll get it on friday.

that's the reality. he wants to talk about "no one gives a *" and that "you need to look out for yourself," but then refuse to let someone else use those words to their advantage. HAR HAR! that's not going to happen. whatever we decided to discuss on friday, I will let both of them have it. and they'll know.

they'll both freaking know that i'm not willing to sacrifice any longer. if mom wants any piece of advice to make things better, she needs to be stronger and be a better mom to bro because that's what he needs if his one source of emotional support needs to leave and focus on herself. that's what she can do for me.

they'll both realize that at some point, you gotta say... hey. i need to take care of myself. and hey. this surviving thing i've been doing for decades? i can't keep doing that. it's not good for me. maybe for right now. but soon I need to thrive. and move on and move forward. they'll get it. and if not they can just stay stuck in their positions while the one person with the guts to change is way off in the distance doing what she can to undo and rebuild herself.

[Wife#2]

Warrior Woman TEA! At last you matter to yourself at least 51% in these relationships. And it isn't cold or mean or selfish or any of those other crippling words that have been used against you. It's healthy, empowering, motivating and even a little scary.

When you put yourself first, even by just 1%, you remove the ability of others to be subtle in their attacks against you. Bro must acknowledge that if HE can put himself first in his life, so can YOU put YOURSELF first in your life. So, he can't assume you understand he only means himself. If you are just that little bit more important in your life, you won't accept that!

Dad is an unrelenting narc. Nothing will change this. Staying will not change him. You benefit nothing for staying. Instead, by staying you leave yourself open to more incidents like in the car. Even with your mental and emotional health improving, he can and will find ways to injure you. He cannot allow you to care 51% about yourself. Talking with him as if he could sounds like an invitation to more invalidation. Your ability to care 51% about yourself means that his manipulations to put you forever under his control don't work anymore. I don't think he's oblivious to the fact that you are pulling away, or that most adult children do that eventually. But, you upset HIS apple-cart if you do. So, this caring 51% about oneself is not allowed in those under his thumb!

Joke is on Dad - you stopped being under his thumb the minute you realized that you DESERVE to matter 51% in your own life. Just like him, Mom and Bro. That's why there have been so many conflicts lately! As smart as your Dad is, he can't figure out how to get you malleable again, so he can get you back under that * thumb!

Meanwhile, keep remembering that YOU DESERVE to have your own life. Mistakes will happen, things will get tight, there will be times when you will fail. THAT IS LIFE. Not going through those things stunts your growth! The thing is, and this is a big one you haven't had the freedom to experience yet: When you fail or make a mistake or run out of money before payday, you learn, you adapt and you feel real good about yourself for figuring it out! Even if you have to ask friends for help or advice. Because THAT is one of the biggest blessings of having friends - they'll be there when times get tough and help you laugh about them when things aren't so tough anymore.

[tea-the-artist]

TIRED. took another hour break again (will probably get docked/checked on). it feels like a blur. unsure if mom gets it.

told her I am the strongest in the house. not to brag. but so she understand that I GET IT, that I've suffered through a lot. And then some (and some and some and so on). and that I'm strong enough to change. and do better.

I told her, the one thing she can do to make me feel better about moving out, is protecting my brother. being stronger for him. being there for him.  i said all this. that, there is something there between him and her. he has once told me, "Tea, I'm not gonna talk to you about any of my problems anymore." 2 years later, here we are. nothing changed there. but what he doesn't realize, i said, is that there is something there between us. I told her, I ask myself time after time. Why does he still come to me? Why does he still talk to me about his problems? And that she should ask herself that too. Even though he says her inaction is part of why he doesn't talk to her much anymore. But.. again. Is that so true?

I told her, it's because something's there. It's trust. A trust we have with him. A reassurance. He knows * well I am 100% the last person to invalidate him. To ignore him. To brush him off to the side. To reject him.

And he knows the same of mom too. In a way. She's done a lot of damage through "minor" actions/inactions like saying she'll come back to talk with him and never showing up. but he's still going to her or calling for her so he can vent.

i told her, the second person i felt was the strongest is HER. i won't talk to her about how she may have suffered at dad's hands, but strong in the sense that she is still here and willing to change. and listening to me yell about it. and I HATE yelling at her. but it has to be said and I seriously need her to understand the reality we live in. while i'm tired of always focusing on bro, i need her to do better for him. our relationship isn't broken, and me moving out doesn't mean i'm abandoning anybody. But if they can be closer and a stronger team against dad (even if in secret) then that will help me get past the G in FOG easily. I want to shirk off my mom coat and get my life rebuilt.

she cried. i felt bad, i never want to make her cry, genuinely. i could tell it was hard for her to keep eye contact, even when i commented how i hate when she doesn't look. i let it go after a while. i can understand "it's a hard pill to swallow" as she said, to hear all this. in just 4 lunch breaks. i told her. i know it's a lot. i wanted to tell her i can support her, of course. i didn't but in the future my actions will be there if needed. told her, she has this small thing. even though bro is furious with her. she has this small thing with him, small connection that keeps him returning to her. as a mom, she needs to be aware of that, and vehemently protect that. and make it stronger. so that he clearly knows that even tho Tea has left, there's still one person i got. one "level 5 adult" as I call it, that has his back. we, bro and i, are level 1 adults barely any mundane/or not experience and don't just leave and get to level 2 like that. we need support. and i need her to take the reins and give him support.

i just. i love hearing when they chat about whatever while i'm up in my room. how easy it is. how the three of us joked. i remember talking about this in another entry i think.

i'm too tired (or memory failing?) to recount the rest of our conversation. i'm hoping for the best because i do love them both. i want them to try harder. i need them to learn that it's all unacceptable. and that the three of us deserve better, and should fight for something better. no matter how long it takes. i understand and don't fault my brother for not feeling like moving out would help him. but there's plenty things to work on to add to a desolate toolbox. from my perspective he is ill-equipped to take on the world as is. even if he had all the money in the world (though that'd open up access to therapy).

thinking about all this, having a slowly building hope for my mom's new action, along with your extremely uplifiting comment has me excited to move out. when i go home i'm going to start organizing some stuff to take with me when i go. i may pack some small things for emergency or at least to take the next time i see my friends. I'm going to look through some articles and blog posts and make a list here of what i need to take.

[tea-the-artist]

family is just bad. bro doesn't understand. dad will never understand, mom proved yesterday she doesn't really care to understand.

the fact i can actually be sitting here writing says something.

yesterday im playing a game and mom came to talk. basically threw all the stuff i said to her right out the window.

"You can't live your life with that kind of anger." yeah NSS! that's why i want to move out!
"maybe we need to go to church." uhh no. nice try tho, sure let's just avoid putting in the hard work to change our unhealthy behavior!
"what if Pansy gets a boyfriend and wants to move out?" thanks for trying to shatter my already shaky assurance about the move out offer not being too good to be true. thank you for that. thank you so * much for being so horrible enough to say that when i have such trust issues and an extremely * difficult time believing i deserve something good. even when i TOLD you have those issues.
"maybe we need to pray on it." lets exclude everything from adulthood. you telling me little tea from childhood deserved all the emotional abuse, physical abuse, and emotional neglect because there was no praying for it to end? if praying it to change no religious child would ever continue to be abused if they are.
"maybe you need to tell dad how you really feel." my response: that didn't work. he doesnt care.
"maybe you need to tell him again?" seriously none of what i said stuck huh?

faith lost. i don't know if it's because she talked to bro on friday or if dad said to her something other than apparently feeling like i've been distant with him lately (huh, again NSS!! almost killed me in the car couple weeks ago, AND yelled at me when i was scared and crying. seems like grounds for distance for me, no?)

this family is just absolute garbage. im so angry she even told me i can't move out now. i'm back at square one trying to figure out how to get past guilt because i feel it bubbling up again. this trash family has me locked in for the worst selfish reasons and can't see and DOESN'T CARE that it's hurting me so * deeply. now it feels like i need to start calling it "running away." i can't even believe her. everyone else's feelings once again more important than mine. and AGAIN. somehow i'm supposed to just deal with it? deal with bad treatment? they are so lucky to have me but they still treat me all sorts of awful.

[tea-the-artist]

Kept to myself yesterday playing a zelda game. during all meals i tried to talk to my brother just to have some conversation to joke around but somehow he wasn't interested. that's annoying. just the other day and many many times before he's talked about how dad doesn't respond to him (at all or like a normal person) and how he always just is quiet looking down at his food. so i figured, well maybe instead of focusing on who won't talk to him, lets focus on who will. that didn't work. i showed exasperation, because trying to do something with someone who won't budge is annoying and he should know that, but he seemed very clueless. if i stayed quiet the whole meal he would have come chastise me.

still don't know what i'm  going to do about moving out. mom's words pushed me back a couple steps. "can't move out right now." how dare she. nothing that i said stuck. must have gotten swayed in favor of brother or dad and that tells me a lot. my family just has a very disturbing way of life. if someone wanted to leave and not come back, but you wanted them to stay, chances are, if you're "normal" you'd fnd ways to make their living situation better. change your ways if you happen to be the problem.

apparently to everyone i just don't have the right to make my life happy on my own terms. i don't feel very confident. about being able to do that. i need to reignite my agitation because if i stay like this low-confidence moment, it's going to drag on to the end of the year and i'll have made no tangible progress. i just feel very very low and hopeless now.

mom isn't going to do anything. she's going to go back and favor dad and not actually be better for brother and so continues my mom-little-sister job.

[tea-the-artist]

i'm here facing some facts.

Need to move out, before December
Need to get money to move out, even though i won't be paying rent

I think i'm not realizing that even though i won't be paying rent for a while i still need cash to cover personal expenses. i have $80 ive taken out discreetly and put into a bag. i'm crunching. considering opening for commissions on my art blog so that could be a possibility for income while i'm waiting to move.

dont' know what to do with mom. i saw her pained expression yesterday or at least what looked like one when we were leaving work. earlier before we left she told me she felt like she lost a connection with her daughter. i dont know wht to do as i haven't been keeping up smiles with her. i have with my brother who seemed to suck me back into it.

i just wish y dad wasnt in the picture to hurt us. then we could be closer and stronger together without someone else undoing anything or overshadowing.

i guess i am biding my time. i'm going to see MG and pansy tomorrow so we'll see.

[Wife#2]

I'm so sorry that this drama dance continues and that you're struggling so with it.

Yes, you do need relief from the anger, the stress and the invalidation.

I don't think your Mom is evil or clueless. I think she may just be struggling to 'hold the family together'. She may not see that in her attempts, she's hurting you. You are old enough. You are capable. Yes, there may be struggle, but which struggle is worse? Being at home where your thoughts are criticized or being in the world where your struggles are to learn how to navigate the world and get to feel accomplished when making it through one more day is it's own reward?

As to the prayer, well, my mind went back to a scene in Forrest Gump where Jenny, tired of her father's abuse, kneels and prays in the cornfield - Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away. Yeah, that didn't work either.

God is great, I do believe in God, but to use Him in His Holiness as a tool to keep you in the house, well, nope. That's another bird that won't fly. If she wants to pray for an awakening, let it be for your father to finally see the damage he's caused and to have true repentance. Let your father be awakened to the reality that both of his adult children are emotionally crippled by his hand/word. Let your father be awakened to the fact that every utterance out of his mouth is driving his daughter farther and farther away. Let those be your mother's prayers.

It so bothers me to hear that religion is such a big factor to your mother. Because, that's probably at the root of why she tolerates your father. If she's got it in her head that she's being a good wife by not divorcing or challenging him, well, nothing you say will affect her in the slightest. She's got her Holy Goggles and Holy Earmuffs on and anything that makes it more difficult to stay your father's wife will not penetrate.

Wow, that makes so much sense, now. She needs you and your brother to perform as happy children so she can keep her illusion of a good, Godly family alive. She's able to tell herself that you both still live at home because she and your father were such great parents that you don't want to leave. Therefore, when you DO want to leave, you crush that image. Telling her that her and your father's actions (or inactions) hurt her is a blow to everything she's told herself about who she is and who you are. That you aren't just a little photo smiling back at her, that you are a real person with a real purpose in this world and it isn't to make her and your Dad look good.

This, when looked at from outside, makes a lot of sense. I have no idea if this helps you or makes things more confusing. Still, if this is true, and it feels true when you read it, this is one approach that can actually be heard by her. Every human has a purpose, a God-given purpose. As a person of faith, I believe this, she probably does as well. Her purpose is to be the good wife and good mother. Your purpose is to be Tea. To have your own testimony. You cannot build your own testimony until you live your own life. God cannot work in your life until you are an independent person. As long as you continue to remain under their roof, you are reaping THEIR testimony (whatever they choose to tell themselves that is). But, God can't work in your life until you are actually living it. THEN will your prayer have power. THEN, God's will for your life can be revealed.

I'm not suggesting that you mock or manipulate your parents with this. As I said, I do believe in God. I know He will not be mocked. Still, what I just wrote felt completely given to me by the Holy Spirit. I'm not that smart, nor am I that insightful, really. Not without His help. I do honestly believe everything I wrote. That you cannot find your purpose, live in God's will or discover your testimony until you are out from your parent's home.

Also, forgiveness can't even be discussed until you are free from repetition of the behavior you are trying to forgive. Not that you can, will or even should forgive them. That will be your personal decision as you live your personal life. And, forgiveness doesn't mean putting yourself back under their thumb ever again.

It just bothered me that your mother would even consider throwing religiosity at you as a means of holding you in the home. Sorry, Mom. Not cool. Tea's world is bigger than what you tell her it should be. And, for that, I'm grateful!

[tea-the-artist]

Wife#2 I also agree that she isn't evil at all! i do know she knows and I feel we experience a similar struggle of trying to keep things together despite them inevitably falling apart. I think and feel someday soon she'll realize there really isn't much to be done except hope that me and bro are able to live fulfilling lives despite and in spite of our traumatic backgrounds.

your perspective makes a lot of sense to me. it is very much an environment where it's very difficult to think for myself but also do work for myself. clearly shown that i'm still living at home first of all. any of that is considered "rebelling" and of course rebelling will shatter the picture perfect scene. it's not hard to see that our behavior is very much caused by them, but it's easy to ignore that in favor of feeling like  you've done the best you could, even though clearly more could have been done.

I don't have much faith in my dad for any awakening as he's seen the mirror many times in the last 10 years to see himself for what he really is. but I guess his self made image reflected back, ensuring that he's never been in the wrong.



in some good news, I am feeling closer to moving. MG and Pansy did the reassuring trick they're good at and Pansy told me about when she was determined to move out of her father's place. though for her, it turned out to be in less than a year instead of the planned year and a half.

but school is definitely a priority. would like to work some kind of part time while I'm finishing up, as I don't want to spend forever finishing school taking one class a semester.

so I will bring that up to my parents. hopefully soon. will emphasize not wanting to stay in a dorm when I can just commute from a rent free apartment until I've gotten steady income. thy've also shown me some pictures of furniture they're planning to get for my room which is exciting. seeing it feels very real! I talked to my coworker last week and that also got me excited too, about moving forward and getting what I want in this life.

need to keep focusing on myself! my goals and needs. I keep visioning (let's just call it what it is, maladaptive daydreaming!)  myself getting hit by dad. slapped or pushed roughly. and that being it. the last straw. me telling him, "you've lost. you lost the game." that he's lost me. I don't know why, maybe I want that to happen, I don't particularly because I can't say I'd really have the guts to walk out right then and there.

I feel a little too weak to just say "I need to move out and get on with my life." not with $6 in the bank. not without a car. it really sucks that I need proof of independence before saying that. and that I'm no where close to being independent. having to rely on my friends, i feel a slight hurt to my pride but moreso regarding my parents who will see I'm not ready. emotionally, I think I am. mentally too. it's scary but I'd rather rush in with shoulders available to lean on, rather than stay back, timid and biding my time for the unknown that becomes scarier and scarier.

I think that's why I want a last straw situation. but I can't count on that. but i just wish i got things in motion last year. maybe this year i'd at least have money saved. and at least know how to drive. if i'd started the self recovery process a year earlier.

it can't be helped. but i'm growing impatient. can i really wait a whole year before moving? can i deal with that? can i deal with any more pain? I definitely dont' want to. and I don't want to see whether or not I'm capable of withstanding it either.