Self-Care and Self-Educating, ch.1

[tea-the-artist]

woke up this morning, straight into a ma-daydream of again giving brother piece of mind. and mom. after my dad went back to work yesterday, bro said he avoided eye contact as usual when coming in. so that set him off and i hadn't been home for 20 minutes even. me bro and mom were in the kitchen as he vented at us.  by the end of it, some drastic things had been said and i felt very fearful of moving out. mom's worried, so am i.

but i'm very tired. this morning i just felt a growing anger. at everyone. even bro. it wasn't fair what he said. it's the second time he's said it and the first was many years ago around my early college years. it was like he made his life my responsibility. that's not fair. i was barely an adult. and yesterday, again. but mom heard it too. the things she said, any mom would say, but i know they were futile. in the end he said it's because he's bored. he doesn't do anything. i know it's hard for him.

i'm not going to go there this time. it's my self focused recovery. and i feel cold to say it, but those words made me want to leave even more. i'm going to go insane. like i felt a year ago. like every single day of every single week i felt so unstable, like i'm so high functioning but still spiraling out of control until i explode and make things worse.

i have to leave. soon. very soon. i have. no money. i'm getting paid friday. don't know if i'll be giving that up next week, but it's certain i'll be left with about $100 after help and groceries.

i just have to go. those things bro said. it was guilt. and mom felt it. and i felt it. but i'm not responsible for his life. i can't be full blame for his trauma. i brought up moving and he heard it. "So you're gonna move?" in a condescending sort of tone. i told him why should i give a *, when nobody else does. when nobody else wants to change? when there's people here in this house that treat me like trash, why should i put up with it? when i finally have the opportunity to just get out of it. i know the answer already.

but my anger is growing again. my exhaustion is getting to me. inch by inch i'm moving past "but nothing bad's happening right now" and "mom and dad clearly aren't on bad terms with me." because there's only one reason i ever needed to move. the abuse. that's it. if i needed a second reason, it's that no one's willing to change their behavior. mom has proven it, as an enabling parent. dad has proven it, as a narcissistic emotionally and formerly physically abusive parent. and bro has proven it, as the victimized child that victimizes his younger sibling (adding on to the pile of damage my parents have done onto me).

that last statement is crucial. i won't pretend i did a bad job at being a better mom-sister years ago when dad was constantly hurting him. but the results still show that i was there. and the results show the opposite was never true.


i think moving out is now going to be considered an escape. i'm moving the date up from "before the year ends" to by the end of july, mid august at the latest.

i can leave while my dad's doing the lyft job on a day i've come home from work. or any of my off days even. i just can't last another year year. it's urgent. extremely. i feel like a bad little child because i can feel my impulse to text my friends. if i text them theres no going back. i don't think i'd even let myself go back on it. just out of habit and continued impulse until what's done is done.

i'm scared of not having money, of not having a degree. i'm scared that i will become a rescue animal and that my friends will walk on annoying eggshells to make me feel safe in a new place. i'm scared they'll get tired of it or confront me. i just don't know what else to do. nothing good or beneficial is coming out of staying here. i had the thought just now of my brother telling me the benefit, and it having to do with him, his life. i can't think about that. it's not fair. i'm not a bad person for leaving at all! i feel like i'm going to be sick.

[Wife#2]

  It's normal to feel a little sick when deciding on making a major change in one's life. Really. That is normal.

It's not my place to say stay or go. I do believe strongly that your recovery will be easier and faster paced when you are out from the situation that caused your cPTSD in the first place.

I also think, and this is JUST my opinion, that developing skills at calming yourself, soothing yourself, will help to make the time still at your parent's house, the move, the job, school and the adjustment to being out from your parents' home less stressful.

My method lately is to 'pet' my forearms. It's how I calm myself down and regulate my heartbeat so I'm not scared, angry or reactive. It's good because I can't accidentally leave my arms at home! They're there no matter where 'there' is. A few rubs and I'm able to answer upsetting questions, do things I don't want to do (but should, like dishes) or am feeling overwhelmed again. It's helping. I hope you can find some way that you can use no matter where you are. 

[tea-the-artist]

haha Wife#2 turns out, 20 minutes after I wrote that entry yesterday, I texted MG and Pansy that I wanted to push up the move out date to by the end of July or mid August at the latest! so! there's that! my sickness passed right after, and I think I became more "oh... what did i just do??" but also "oh boy... oh boy I did it!! i finally did it! no going back now!! "

you are absolutely right about recovering easier when I am out of the house! my mom agrees too. I talked to her yesterday until I got a big headache and she agrees. I am still sad for her. I'm not a mom, but I still relate to Mom Sadness when her children are not doing well and want to leave (I think I mentioned once that each time my brother went away to college from 2008 to 2011, I cried like a mom watching her son leave into a harsh world, hoping he will be successful). I don't know how to shake that, but I guess as long as she agrees I need to move out, that can keep me going.

I actually do a similar self-soothing technique. I rub my left hand (it's my nondominant hand so I consider it Little Tea's hand) and I also place my left hand on my heart, and pat it with my right hand. usually when i'm in a fit of anger or feeling intrusive invalidating thoughts coming.


yesterday's talk was long. from just before 5pm until 6:45. well. it felt very long. i talked a lot. I was secretly hoping my brother could hear in his room. I won't be talking to him about moving until after he takes his test on Friday.

I will have to stand my ground. big time with him. there may be some abandonment/attachment/codependent issues that will come up with him. but I have to just say,

"I have to take care of myself. I have to look out for myself. I have to put myself first for once, and now that I have the opportunity to do it, I need to take it. And I deserve to be able to do that."

He may not realize since we are quite frankly two peas in a pod, but we are quite different. I need to tell him, "Unlike you, I cannot sit and bide my time and expect something good to come of it. You always say every single year since we moved here, there's always something that happens. It's an endless cycle because no one was ever wiling to change. But guess what? I'm tired of playing the game. I'm not interested in continuing the cycle. There's no benefit to doing it anymore. I'm interested in breaking away from the cycle."

I want to tell him, "When you get the chance to move out, the access to move out, take it as soon as you can. I have waited for a year and a half. I had the opportunity a year and a half, and I didn't take it because I didn't think I was worth it. I didn't think I had any value. but you have to take it because it's hard to 'just move out.' It might not seem like it now, but it's tough when the chance is in front of you."

I'm afraid of how he'll react, probably condescending words to try and suck me back in. to make me doubt myself and my abilities and my trust in my friends. They texted me a photo of the room with a caption "We are here for you! And so is your room!" along with a photo of the bed they ordered. those things will keep me reassured.

and then there's my dad. I have to either stand up to him, or just escape when he's at work. the latter seems irresponsible, as if to shirk the responsibility of telling him to my brother and mom. he will try to be condescending too. I have no money except for the little cash I took out twice when I went grocery shopping. no degree or full time job.

I only just thought of it, but I can imagine him trying to force me to stay. saying I can't leave or doing or taking something that will prevent me from leaving. the week after my bro graduated, there was a fight and he'd gone and started packing bro's clothes as if to kick him out, even though HE was the one who started the fight, ripping bro's shirt while bro just tried to push him off.

what would I even say to him? "I need to leave and live a better life"? that would imply he's done something I deem WRONG because he WILL assume that. My first option was to wait for bro to finish the test and get a job after and wait till my parents call me to do school stuff again. but that could take a while.

no clue how to approach him. it's going to end up bad because I'm thinking for MYself and trying to make moves to progress MY life. ugghhh that's so frustrating! i dont know what to do. maybe after I get more concrete plan of how moving out will go, I can figure it out.

[Blueberry]

20 minutes after I wrote that entry yesterday, I texted MG and Pansy that I wanted to push up the move out date to by the end of July or mid August at the latest! so! there's that! my sickness passed right after, and I think I became more "oh... what did i just do??" but also "oh boy... oh boy I did it!! i finally did it! no going back now!! "

Good for you, tea!                                   

[Blueberry]

As for your questions on what to do with F and B, it might help to read over at Out of the Fog, our sister website http://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain
or http://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

I don't know if you've read over there before. For personality-disordered persons, think "abusers and enablers". It can be a bit triggering for us CPTSDers to read over there and especially post and get answers, which is one reason why we have our own forum. But there is a lot of useful information over there and many more members and posters.

"I have to take care of myself. I have to look out for myself. I have to put myself first for once, and now that I have the opportunity to do it, I need to take it. And I deserve to be able to do that." - Absolutely! I've found it most useful to say this sort of thing to myself and to others who will validate it (like us on here) until I believe it and no FOO can knock the ground out from under my feet or reel me in again.

Good luck to you, keep taking your baby steps, that's what keeps us going the right way for us. 

[Wife#2]

Yes, you can figure this out.

May I suggest that, rather than think in terms of cowardice if you move out while your Dad is at work, you give yourself the term that fits and is uplifting. You are using discretion. Confrontation is likely to result in further abuse or at the minimum manipulation. Writing a well-though-out letter that you DO give to him is one way to ensure that you follow through with the move and are not interrupted while you establish your well-founded reasons.

You don't have to place your life as a sacrifice on the alter of family just to prove you love them. If everyone was sacrificing in similar ways, you may not have suffered abuse, but that isn't the case. Therefore, it is abusive for one (or two) to be asked to make that sacrifice and the others to enjoy the benefits of your sacrifice.

Family help each other because of the love they share and their desire to see other family members flourish. It's hard to know this when the family you came from didn't operate that way. Because of that truth, it's ok to question the motives behind what your family of origin want. And, it's ok to say no when doing as they ask requires more of you than you are capable of giving.

[tea-the-artist]

Thanks so much for the links blueberry! I haven't been over at the sister site before but I will be looking into that more into that! In my mind since I joined I've been thinking a lot about FOG and now notice the difference i feel with each.

and that makes sense Wife#2. that's some good stuff to think about.

Family help each other because of the love they share and their desire to see other family members flourish. It's hard to know this when the family you came from didn't operate that way. Because of that truth, it's ok to question the motives behind what your family of origin want. And, it's ok to say no when doing as they ask requires more of you than you are capable of giving.

this really means a lot, and I'm going to remember this! sometime last year around this time I was getting very burned out with my brother's constant venting. i didn't hate or resent him for it and I still do not, but I was just getting worse for wear on top of then being expected to further be there for him when I had no where to place all the negative energy.

it's so important to remember this. I don't even think I thought too much on "what FOO is asking for is more than I am capable of giving." because it really is. and just the other day when I talked to mom, I said how could I be expected to be so outspoken as dad says he wants, but then he crushes me down when I try to defend myself and speak up. the confusion is unnecessary and almost the same goes with bro. he wants a lot from me, but as an older sister. but wants me to stay down and stay small like the little sister he feels he has.

maybe my one last thing is to just be the older sister that I'm not, and move forward. i won't focus on being his role model but if it can inspire something, then good!

but again, more importantly i'm doing this for myself. i've had enough of the cycle. no more games. no more nonsense.

[tea-the-artist]

oh and a small bit of GOOD NEWS! my new bed arrived today at the apartment! pansy sent me a video of MG opening it and I just couldn't stop smiling! my friends are so good and I'm honored and blessed to know them!

I'm keeping my spirits up as best as I can! pansy has been keeping me in the loop about things she's buying.. she feels like my sister mom. it's kept me motivated! my brother has been studying for his test tomorrow and hopefully he passes! he's been silent to me despite some of my attempts to Happy Sister things.. again, feeling foolish for trying. I know he's in a bad place BUT!!! but. I am staying self focused. we are both adults. and we can both get through this, one at a time if it has to be that way.

I'm telling myself one more month. one more month! no bull. they wanted to treat me like trash, well. I say I'll move out. And I will. no going back on that.

earlier I had a daydream of speaking to bro again, confronted me on moving out. "You all really thought I was joking huh? You really thought I would be treated like trash and not take the opportunity to leave? think again!"

I was smiling. smirking in a way. almost the way an antagonist would, when they've caught the protagonist in something hypocritical they've done. maybe it has to do with me telling my mom my new years resolution was to "become evil."

but evil.. it's not evil. but in their eyes it would be, because they'd all have negative reactions. how dare I? oh? how dare I take the malicious words and actions said and done on to me and take action based on that? how dare I? oh? sacrifice my life? my IDENTITY?! that I have to rebuild or create again from thin air? how dare I move away from this foolishness? this abuse this craziness? how dare I?

leaving on no money should be a red flag! but regardless. just one more month. for once, I will not be stopped! I won't be swayed by fear, obligation nor guilt! that fire I set on myself, has been gradually dying down. and soon it'll will be doused with sand of self compassion and self love and self care.

and emerging from it will be me, damaged and broken and hurt, but with eyes shining with rightful and guiltless anger, a fearless determination to protect myself. me, who has shirked off the cloak of child-motherhood because I am the only person I will ever take care of until I say otherwise.

I'm not responsible for dad. no action of mine or anyone else is an excuse for the abuse he dealt onto me.

I'm not responsible for mom. she could have gone her life without invalidating the abuse and attempted to protect me from abuse, but I will not feel sorry that she was incapable when it was my life at stake.

I'm not responsible for my brother. I did not deserve to be victimized and invalidated  because of his own received abuse, and I am not his mother who is capable of sacrificing herself to keep him warm and ok. I know now, after 16 years, that I have been incapable of doing so and I will no longer feel guilty of being unable to do something I should have never had to learn how to do in the first place.

I'm going to walk out. run away. escape. whatever i'll call it. "It's not fair" will turn into "No more."

[Wife#2]

  You beautiful, strong soul! I'm so glad you are seeing yourself for all of the great worth that I, MG and Pansy see in you.

You know I'd still love my little sister Tea (because I'm nearly 50, I can say that LOL), even if you chose to stay at home for the rest of your life. No matter what you decide is best for Tea, that is what I support. Because I support YOU, the woman we call Tea.

Reading your posts lately, seeing how you are taking charge of your own life and future, has brought me great joy. Not because it's been difficult, though I can see that it has. But, because it is Tea emerging. The woman. Who is learning her own self-worth. Amen and Hurray!!!

[Blueberry]

Tea, there is so much strength reverberating in your post! So much decisiveness.  Yay for you!

[tea-the-artist]

the other day an online friend told me i'm running on spite when I talked about how i'm functioning on anger. keeping sight on the prize of moving out and the things i need to do to get there. that really lit a fire in me.

it almost died this morning. F and i haven't been talking since he's been working most of the day and of course I'm not interested in making moves to seek him out to chat. but on the way to work, he talked about bills and my brother needing a job and me going back to school hopefully after that, blah blah blah.

through all that, i started doubting. like somehow I wasn't making the practical Good Daughter decision that required me to wait on everyone to get their situations right before I can make my own.

i know that's not how it works. but i think it's the fawn-freeze response that got me panicked. doubting myself that I could do this. that there was no reason to be moving when I have no money. however..

Elucidation of this dynamic to clients is a necessary but not sufficient step in recovery. There are many codependents who understand their penchant for forfeiting themselves, but who seem to precipitously forget everything they know when differentiation is appropriate in their relationships. To break free of their subservience, they must turn their cognitive insights into a willingness to stay present to the fear that triggers the self-abdication of the fawn response, and in the face of that fear try on and practice an expanding repertoire of more functional responses to fear.

When the client remembers and feels how overpowered he was as a child, he can begin to realize that although he was truly too small and powerless to assert himself in the past, he is now in a much different, more potentially powerful situation. And while he might still momentarily feel small and helpless when he is in a flashback, he can learn to remind himself that he is in an adult body and that he now has an adult status that offers him many more resources to champion himself and to effectively protest unfair and exploitative behavior.

This is how it goes. how it's been going, and I can see each of those things in myself in the last nine months, going through the motions. back and forth between knowing I deserve better and feeling thrust back into childhood fears and powerlessness.

But when I was a child, I didn't have people like MG and Pansy. Or any of my friends and guidance here. cheering me on, helping me maintain self-protection. I have that now, I know that. There's a lot to be afraid of, I understand that, but a lot to look forward to. Standing up for myself is key.

If no one is willing to change, then I will be the one to step forward and do it. I've said that. I still believe that. It's not about making others sad and hurt or angry with my actions, but rather making my life better by taking it into my own hands. Relying on myself and my support to make things better.

I've taken so many baby steps to this grandiose step in my recovery. a big step for me. I got panicked into feeling powerless but that can't last for too long.  I got so scared but im recovering now.

I just need to hold out for a bit. August 12 is the plan, but I plan on telling my bro sometime this week and F next week? Pansy suggested it, and if it turns out I need to leave the day I give the news, then she will be parked across the street waiting for a text to pick me up, and that then I can tell myself "At least I tried." even in a fake asking them for support. at least I'll try for it.

This is all non-negotiable anyway!  so. if F says no, then... I suppose I won't see him when he gets home from work the next day!



But some calming thoughts. Happy things. Last week since the 1st was the first time I've ever seen my friends so many times in one week outside of school. The first I celebrated MG's 23rd birthday with a marigold themed present. and then last Thursday they dropped off my gloves but we decided to hang out longer up until almost 11pm! that was nice! just being out until whenever. it felt like I was taking small parts of my life back. I could stay out a bit late, even on short notice, and i DID! and then we went to a small housewarming sort of party for a friend on Saturday.

it was all so good. This last week was just great in all sorts of ways, just focusing on myself... and my new bed is all set up and they sent some pics of it made! That's also been keeping me motivated. Keeping my heart beating that excited beat!

For once, I don't feel guilty about having fun even when some others aren't. Normally I would be too tired to hang out for a second time, let alone a third, but I put all that guilt behind me! I can have fun and enjoy my life as I please without putting myself down for it or telling myself I don't deserve it! I've past that sister-mom guilt now!

just need to spread the news and... welp. How those two days goes will tell me everything I need to know!

[tea-the-artist]

yesterday when i came home from work I felt suddenly really unsafe. emotionally. i quickly got into a maladaptive daydream unfortunately it lead me to thinking about how no one protected me when I was a child. that no one was there for me, and it got me to crying for a few seconds just staring out the window and at my plants.

it's not a new feeling, but still almost felt out of nowhere. i've been running on spite for the last few weeks that I may have been shoving some things down. its confusing, especially not having a therapist to guide me through this, to tell whether it's me suppressing and emotions trying to come back up yesterday, or something else.

my feelings lately have very much been that almost stereotypical "getting away from abuse/bad situation" and acting like everything's good now and not doing any work to address the past problems.

but I was feeling a lot of "negative" energy yesterday and boiled it down to just being angry that two important men in my life have hurt me constantly and have failed me and expect me to be OK with that.

still haven't been talking with bro other than a few words a day. I may be telling him i'm moving sometime this week or next week. through MDD-ing i've been working on how and what i'll say. Pansy suggested I just say that I'm 24 and it's time for me to move out and move on. I won't do any of the JADEs but I will likely bring up his statements "No one gives a *" and "You just have to go out and get what you want" and use that to my advantage and keep him aware that asking for the opposite is hypocritical of him. and manipulative but I'm trying to stay away from pointing blame at him.


i also talked to mom during lunch break. told her I moved up the move out date to next month... she seemed shocked thinking I still wanted it to be "before december" but I said nope. I showed her a photo of my made bed Pansy sent me and she seemed to like it but turned away quickly. I think she was just being a mom and sad to see her youngest leaving (especially on these terms). and I get it. but I'm focused on myself now and knowing that the sort of motherly sadness-happiness parents might have when their kids move out isnt.. it's not a reason to stay. I think years ago if I had the opportunity to move out, I still wouldn't. back then, before I  understood all this, I would think more about my mom having that partial sadness and just stay.

anyway. I feel a bit somber after writing that even though the day started pretty good.


I'm still trying to figure out how to pack. I want to start packing soon, hopefully right after I tell my brother the news but i'm dreading that. but still looking at the photos my friends sent me to keep motivated and keep myself excited about the future!

within a month, I'm going to be living away from this place. I'm gonna be just.. existing as I am. whoever that is, whoever I decide that is.

[Wife#2]

You are so amazing and worthy of joy. Yes, Mom is feeling the bitter-sweet that is watching a child blossom into an adult and to realize the young adult must, at some point, become his or her own person. It is bitter-sweet. There is often a desire to find the flaws in the new adult's plans just to keep that young person close, dependent. Not in a crippling way, but just because the transition to mother/father from a distance is hard.

Now, when I visit my adult daughter and her family, I am so proud of her and what she and her husband have made of their home. It isn't what I would chose, but it's not my life. My opinion no longer matters in that sense. Sure, my daughter and I can talk and discuss opinions and preferences. But, now, she's voicing HER OWN without opposition. If I agree, we laugh about how much we agree. If I disagree, we disagree and laugh about how different we view subject A or B. Because she is now a fellow adult. She will always be my child, but she is no longer a child.

This metamorphosis is something I hope for you and your mother. Adult daughters and their mothers CAN and OFTEN DO become friends once not in the same house. I think your mother would be a fine friend, once she gets used to the idea that you're not her compliant little girl anymore. You're a smart, independent, talented woman making your way in this world. She'll adjust over time. Then, watch the eyes for all that pride she feels towards you. Accept there may also be tears. That really is a Mom thing. BIG HUGS to you!

[tea-the-artist]

Wife#2 I really appreciate your perspective, especially as a mom! that makes me feel loads better and something I can keep in mind (I think being "just barely an adult" I and others my age don't realize this? and that her feelings aren't malicious at all, and I know that). even more especially as I'm coming down from my own forced-mom role, and remembering that I am indeed her child and that gives me a sense of comfort, that I am not responsible in the way I previously thought. it's giving me a bit of "normal" feelings. she is my mom. my MOM!

that makes me think about feeling like my relationships with my family have always felt so strange and often detached but this today, is a good feeling. i'm her daughter and not some random adult living with them.

[tea-the-artist]

There's a lot to say and I really just had it in my head that I'd come back to this forum already moved out and into my friends' place and working day by day on self care and getting new work, etc etc.  no.

last night i woke up from a stalker dream and suddenly went into a maladaptive daydream where i was in therapy talking about what happened my last year of high school and just breaking down in tears at 5am because it felt really real. being in therapy and remembering 6 years ago. how i felt ashamed of myself and humiliated doing things for a guy i didn't really have romantic interest in but it just happened and i struggled to not downplay it even though sex hadn't happened. i kept feeling nasty as this daydream was going on and it wasn't like all my hard work was gone, but that i suddenly had new things to work on.

i don't even know where to begin with it. what to even look up. because it's not a common case i don't think. my friend Peach could sympathize when we talked months ago about struggling with being gay and doing things to make it stop like "being with guys" when we really didn't want to. i thought about the things my dad had said to me when i was 14 and they were suspecting that i wasn't straight. i thought about that and linked it to what happened with that guy and what I did and why I did it. why i didn't say no to any of it, why i went along even though i know that I knew in my heart it wasn't right, that it didn't feel good. it wasn't a two sided experience.

i know past trauma shaped my decisions regarding that. i feel sad for my teenage self thinking that was something I had to do. In order to become a better and mature woman. i just don't know what to call it. i don't know if it's sexual abuse. there was emotional manipulation in the last half of the relationship, some threats to self harm that i wasn't equipped to deal with and getting broken up with when i couldn't do anything made me feel incredibly incompetent as a "young woman" and as a "girlfriend" and that it and all other actions were my fault. i don't even know if i've come to terms with the fact that none of it was my fault.

whatever it is, it's some kind of sexual trauma. a few years after that i realized i was having occasional bouts of sexual repulsion and wanting nothing to do with it or hear about it or see it on TV or movies. i would kind of flinch and turn away. but then there's times when i'm ok and it's not bothering me. i guess i'm glad to not have had any physical partners since him.

how do i even begin to unpack this? i have no clue. it's so different than what's typical.


last week i had an intense freakout/panic/frustration with my habit of maladaptive daydreaming. i went into one for 2 hours and didn't realize until i had started crying because recounting family trauma was feeling so real to me that the daydreamed feelings were turning to reality. that was frustrating. two hours lost while i was in the middle of a task. i can't even control it. i wouldn't know how. i still space out and am looking far away for moments before realizing... and then moments before i'm able to get myself moving again. i really freaking need a therapist who's able to tell me what all this is and ways i can stop doing it "voluntarily involuntarily."


still coping in a few ways. i rearranged my room over the weekend to make it feel more like a bedroom and less like a room dedicated to being spacially efficient. i've taken up oil painting which has been interesting. done a lot of watercolor pieces and flower studies and those things have made me happy genuinely.

also picked up some skincare habits. drinking more water every day to stay hydrated and keep dehydration headaches away. going to bed at before 11 has been pretty good, and i don't feel groggy waking up at 7 even on weekends/days off.

i noticed i've been having bad eating habits that i can't call an eating disorder but i often skip lunch without realizing and paying attention to my body. sometimes in the morning if i'm running late i will just decide that I won't eat until lunch, even though i can easily pack a quick breakfast or ask mom. like i'm punishing myself for being late.. but even then sometimes i just can't figure out what to eat due to limited options and will skip it altogether to avoid hassle. no clue how to address that but i will eventually.


as usual now i feel really exhausted. i feel slightly better after writing about the coping and self care habits i've picked up so that's good. we'll see how i feel tomorrow.