Self-Care and Self-Educating, ch.1

[Dwonderer]

Hello Tea,

I would like to share my personal experience and hope that it can help encourage you to fine happiness and healing that you deserve because I can relate to a lot of things that you mentioned here.
[POTENTIAL TRIGGER BELOW !!]

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My family were unhealthy, abusive and unsupportive. In my case, I was the designated scapegoat and also therapist in the family. My mother specifically have gone through many traumatic events on her life. Since I was a child (very young) I became her confidant, her object for ranting and a tool to make herself feel better. I developed empathy at a very young age exceeding even the adults around me. I did what I thought would alleviate my mother pain by obeying her every whimps, letting her emotionally and verbally abuse me. Whenever I tried to speak up and point out things that are painful but factual, she got angry and belittle me, calling me selfish. Boundaries were crossed so many times I lost counts of them (One time my mother wrote a journal "on my behalf" writing as if I wrote them and shared it with her friends. I was so shocked and speechless when I found out about it "real-time" as in when she showed it to her friends infront of me) My father wasn't any better and my brother was absent. Over time I stopped taking care of my needs. I started to developed depression and isolate myself. This continue for years well into my teenage years. Then one day I came into realization that it would never get better. My family was stuck on a cycle in which each member have roles and they couldn't see what I saw, the true sources of our problems. I remembered crying, hating and cursing the truth: I was going to be the one that broke the cycle. It took me few extra year after that and desperation (as at that point I was force to suicide) until I was able to accept the truth. I cut my ties from my parent.

What I wanted to share with you is this:
a. When I decided to leave my parent I was living in USA (this is not were I was born and raise).
b. I knew basic English grammar and vocabularies but never actually have conversation in English
c. I was 19 just starting college and my sources for income came from my family and federal grant. With no family help I couldn't go to school so the grant also is gone.
d. I didn't know anyone except extended family that didn't rly get a long well with me (which I also stopped talking to) however I was lucky to find a good friend that rly understood me and helped me to move on.

It was scary time for me and the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. It took me 2 years but at the end of it I had a stable job and was independent in many ways including financially. It took however longer years to deal with the traumatic events that had happened to me. It's still an ongoing progress and lately I found what has caused me to still be stuck after all this year.

If there is anything I have learned are these:
1. No One cannot truly help anyone when they are not in the place where they can help themself and their basic needs are not met.
2. Even if an individual can help someone, if the other person is not ready to be helped, they cannot force the other person to help themselves
3. At the end of the day, each person is the only who knows their personal experience thus the only one that knows the right answer to their healing and beyond that (personal happiness). Other people even the most well intention one cannot fill this task. To search for an answer somewhere outside oneself will only derail one from healing. They will be plenty of things in this world including religion that promised you "salvation". The people I saw going this route to the extend that they stopped truly working on themselves are the ones that ended up repeating the cycles to their children and others around them. 
4. Repressing emotions and not feeling them was the worse thing we can do especially when those emotions came from abusive situation. They need to be let out in healthy ways (This was the last part I'm struggling with the most. By the time I recognize the importance I basically couldn't feel anything. I can't even cry when needed. All the tensions can manifest to physical diseases. In my case I was diagnosed with 1 stage before cancer. I found out just in time to reverse the damage)

From my experience,  I hope you will find strength. Also great job on wanting and continually trying to work on yourself for healing and beyond. 

Forgot to mention  I can relate to feeling exhaused physically and emotionally and wanting a break from everything. I can also relate to being dismissed from liking art and pursuing art. Lastly for being non-heterosexual on top of dealing with everything else.

[tea-the-artist]

Dwonderer, I really do appreciate you sharing your experience in my journal actually (it kind of feels like a handwritten journal, and i'm attaching other people's stories with a little paper clip so I can reference in the future!) i cant imagine going through all that you went through, but it's encouraging to see your words from a place of experience

all of your points I feel are really important for me to remember. some of them are things I've "told" myself. it must have been incredibly tough having to go through all of that alone. I think that's what I'm partly most afraid of. probably actually incredibly afraid of. when I think about the future it gets really scary to me and images I think of are really hazy-seeming and I cannot clearly see the face of "the Me in the future," who's incredibly isolated and living alone. just thinking of it now has me teared up..

I don't know.. if it's because I still feel childishly attached to my family, on whom I've been really codependent (cue the words "fawn" lined in big bright lights). I always feel ok when I know things happening in the recent future are concrete, and super anxious when they're not. like... I know i'll still be living here next week, so on some weird level that's comforting, knowing I'll have a "home," despite it being the house all of my abusers live.

I'm afraid to "grow up" despite being 23 because I know I don't have a lot or any resources at all, and the idea of moving in with my friends still scares me. I'm still afraid of them going back on their word and abandoning me (before I didn't realize the thought of them "going back on their word" on being able to house me registered mentally as "abandonment," but I realize that now). I think I might journal about this later.

I'm trying to take on every day as it comes and focus on the future, but I think that's a bit detrimental, considering I want to begin recovering for the benefit of my current and future self.

[tea-the-artist]

(edit: small bit of possibly triggering (self invalidating) talk. i put it in beige color so it wouldn't be easy to see)

The last couple days has been kind of.. nice (except for today)? Maybe the lower end of pleasant. Surprisingly, Friday when my dad and I picked up my brother, he was pretty talkative to me. The drive all the way back home was mostly quiet, but later in the day after I did groceries with my parents, he was chatty, pretend-whining about how tired he was since we were late picking him up from his training course. He was being kind of huffy and not really helping put the groceries away which we both thought was funny.

Saturday I had washed the kitchen and house landing floors and was basically tracking everyone's movements bc neither had dried completely when everyone wanted to eat. I had my brother take his shoes off and walk through the kitchen to make breakfast, and when he tried to sneak back downstairs to return dishes, I burst out of my room like some kind of guard and he made one of those "trying not to laugh, but failing" faces and we both had some chuckles about it all.

I've still been reading Pete Walker's book, which has been kind of making me go in and out of imaginings/daydreams. I got up really early this morning and decided to read and ended up "conversing" in my head with Zinnia about how terrible parents are and how they should be more understanding to kids who are learning to self express. How spanking is normalized and awful and can really damage children.. I guess I was processing some things that I'd been learning. I was "conversing" in the car with my dad, so maybe I was processing in a way that was helping me place blame on him (I do this a lot, and maybe it's my subconscious telling me that I'm not the bad person, my dad is for causing those things to happen, despite his bragging about being a "good parent").

I'm super blessed though, to just be starting to read a chapter dedicated to the fawn type! A lot of the reading has been really validating, though I still feel I need a physical presence to accompany that validation. I just really hope I'm not reading and losing information as I read. I do feel like I'm learning though.

Something I thought of earlier when I was commenting, I thought about my friends' offer to house me. We still haven't really spoken much. I'm really nervous about getting back in touch, and I think it's the fear of re-abandonment (and retraumatizing). If they say no, I'm sure it'll be triggering an EF and I'll probably have lost all hope considering the one chance to escape would be gone. I feel like in a way they would resemble my parents back then. They just "weren't able to help" me through any of the problems I had growing up simply by not being emotionally present and intelligent. To have friends that "care" about me, end up being unable to help me would probably feel just as bad. I'm dreading it and I guess that's why I'm dragging my feet.

I think it's similar with Lily. She still hasn't returned my texts (maybe she has and they never got to my phone.. wishful thinking), so I feel re-abandoned. Like... being honest and emotional with her... and once again, like with my parents years ago (and even recently) being met with silence (and in their case, contempt and following silence) just feels horrible. All sorts of things could be going on on her end, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel like how I did as a kid. And maybe my silence as a response to her silence is my freeze type of my hybrid acting up, probably figuring that being open and honest with my feelings was futile anyway. Because in the end nobody cares. Not about my feelings, not about me, and any words challenging that don't ever feel like the truth.

Knowing this doesn't make me feel any better. I just made myself cry too :/ I hate this, I think I'll stop for now.

[Dwonderer]

Hi Tea,

I think being afraid to separate from parent and "doing your own things" is normal. For people with abusive past this can be extra scary. However from experience I would say the feeling of accomplishments and healing beat the scary part.

People with abusive past tends to have distorted unkind images of themselves. In reality, they can infact do the things that they didnt think they can and do it well if not better than others.

This is my anology:
Imagine a Ferrari, fast, aesthetically appealing, luxurious etc. People want it. If the owner take good car of the Ferrari, the car will run smoothly and sparkle beautifully like it should. Imagine the owner doest take care of the car. Its the same Ferrari but it has leaked and problems. The car is covered with dirt you dont even recognize it as the same car when you look at it. Infact you are disgusted by it.

In the anology above, the car is the victim of abuse and the owner is their family. So when the victim of abuse take ownership of the car (their own self) and begin to work on their problems (toward healing), they will start looking and realizing things differently.

My point is you may not be confident enough right now but as you do your journey away from your abuser to be independent, you will not only reclaim what is lost but discover new things about yourself you didn't know before.

Also, I just want to let you know that I sincerely hope you will heal and find happiness. I can't tell you what to do to resolve your situation but I just want to put it out there that there is and can be something better for you in life than the current situation you are in right now. 

[tea-the-artist]

I'm at work right now and feel awful. I was in the middle of writing an entry earlier but never finished before I left, but a student was just giving me a hard time about me taking his test when he left the room for 20 seconds to answer a phone call. He didn't even give me a second to TELL him that it's against our policy for students to leave in the middle of testing, so I had to take his test and when he came back I explained it to him but he just kept arguing and not getting it that that's our policy. Like... I would be pissed too if I had to take an important call and the proctor ended up taking my test and wouldn't let me finish. But after about 2 minutes of arguing back and forth I just let him take it back.  It's so... I feel so unreasonable even though proctoring is my job and enforcing proctoring and testing rules is my job I just always feel like an unreasonable person in this job.

I can't just not enforce "unreasonable" rules just because I was recently a student just years ago. And I can't not be "reasonable" because this is my job. When he sat back down to finish his test I ended up tearing up even after he apologized. I didn't say anything else. There was another student so I just (and still am) hid behind the computer so no one can see me crying. He's already left, and after that I cried a bit more and have been on and off crying. A couple more students have come in and can probably tell I'm red eyed.. I feel so miserable I wish I didn't have to work at all I hate that that student already worsened an already terrible day and had the nerve to tell me he didn't want to ruin my day. well you already freaking did..

--edit

I can't say for sure or at all if I've calmed down. I still feel irritated and just want to go back home but I'm only an hour into a 4 hour evening shift. I feel like I got upset because this is just how it always is and has been. When I say "no" or anything in refusal of something happening, nobody ever ..freaking cares. It makes me so upset. Nobody ever listens to me. Just before my shift I was telling my mom about how awful it was trying to wash my hair which has 3 different types of curl patterns and how in the end it didn't turn out the way I wanted and that I wanted to just cut it all into a pixie or shave it all and start fresh. And of course she just ignored all the stuff I was saying and mentioned how her coworker gave her part of her sandwich and she didn't like it because of the mayo... like nobody ever listens. Every keeps misunderstanding and acting like they know exactly what I'm talking about but direct the covnersation in such a wrong direction away from my original points. Or they just ignore everything and when I'm visibly annoyed or upset by it, then they wanna act like they were paying attention and actually care when they were and are NEITHER of those things!

I didn't even get to mentioning how I had so many urges to just take my scissors and snip off all my hair and not care one bit but I'm sure that would be the one thing she cares about. Me looking nice and feminine and pretty "like a lady should" and not at all about how my own freaking hair makes me feel.

[Wife#2]

Tea,

I'm so sorry these past few days have been so hard for you    !!

One thing my Mom used to say that tickled me (and kept me from getting crazy haircuts), was, do what you want. It's YOUR head and YOU have to go to school like that.

It made sense and made me think about it. And usually, I chose to stay with the long hair. BUT, as long as you're comfortable with pixie short or shaved hair, it's YOUR head. You are within YOUR rights to do as YOU please with YOUR hair! If she likes it, great. If not, too bad. Your hair is not on her head.

I used to be a little freaked out when my husband shaved his head. Then, he let it grow back out, real thick and long. I put my hand into his hair and realized JUST how thick, heavy and hot all that hair is - and we live in a humid part of the South. So, for his comfort, he shaves his head. Often. Now, I just offer my help to make sure it's neatly shaved. It's not MY hair and it's not on MY head, so what makes him comfortable and happier is what works for both of us.

One other tidbit I wanted to share. I moved out of my mother's place often. Then, I'd have to move back in. There were comments about it, but as long as I paid my rent upon return, it was allowed. I've had roommates fail to appear on lease-signing day, move in girlfriends and move in boyfriends. I had one move out while I was at work! My point is, I survived all that. It wasn't easy. I was evicted a time or two. Yet, here I am - a home-owner, mother, wife, employee.

When I say don't worry about what you don't know, I mean it with all love and kindness. Yes, you may fail and you may have to scramble and you may even have to return home. But, even 6 months away from the birth family can help a lot of FOG lift and completely change your perspective on yourself. Therapy during that time DOES help. BUT, and this IS possible, you may just succeed and break free and, like a butterfly breaking free of the chrysalis, discover that you were designed to fly!

My point is, don't wait for confidence to move out - that's a sure way to put it off. Don't wait for assurances that even best friends can't always offer. Eat crackers to settle your tummy, drink good strong tea as well. Then, call the friends, make the plan and escape. Even a short-lived freedom run is better for the soul than stagnating where you are. And tasting freedom can become addictive, driving you to try harder next time until you are truly free!

[tea-the-artist]

sorry for not responding to your comment Dwonderer yesterday. but I am really moved by your kindness and encouragement!  just thinking about myself in a position of being able to reclaim myself is scary but it also feels kind of beautiful. I think part of the scariness is also being afraid of losing my "job" as the Fawn Entertainer of The House, so to speak. It's strange being the victim of emotional abandonment and feeling like somehow my wanting to move on to self-focused recovery and healing would ever mean the same kind of abandonment (logically I know that's false!). Your analogy makes a lot of sense! I want to be able to take ownership of my car and see my real and once hidden beauty.

also Wife#2 your words are super encouraging as always! thank you both honestly! I found myself trying to hide a cheesy smile (I'm at work so I gotta be sneaky). Since last night I've been feeling a bit better, but the encouragement sparked me back up! I feel so nervous, I feel emotionally I'm one step closer to reaching out and just at least going for it. I really think Dwonderer and you are totally on the money about discovering new things about myself once I'm out of this place. I really honestly can see it (I'm trying to wave off the thought that it might be an impulse feeling)! But some part of me really feels it like honest feeling from my heart I also explained (yet again) my wanting to cut my hair (I'm new to having an afro after cutting my hair mostly off in the summer, so having a lot of hair to manage is really challenging and tiring). she seemed.. slightly more understanding and said "You'll just have to draw it for me to see" because I really like the cut. And having less hair means less product to use but also having an easier time learning about my hair. But I think I'm for sure gonna go ahead when I visit the salon. I've been dying for this cut for about a year anyway haha! And your'e totally right! My hair isn't on her head!!


(unintentional massively long entry...)
This last couple of days, I've been looking back at things I had a lot of interest in, like street fashion. And something in me just registered... or restarted or something. It was like a younger me was so SO excited to look back at that stuff again. I donno if it was my inner child (I got interested in Japanese street fashion at 14 but more interested in general street fashion when I was 19), but I really felt kind of nostalgic too. Those were such nice times. I remember experimenting with my clothes back then.

Part of me today wonders if that was the mimicking part of my identity's "lack of identity." Because that's something I do these days I realize. But another part feels like back then it was more of being inspired. Not full on copying. Not even full on copying the "essence" or "aesthetic" or "feeling" that I tend to copy heavily these days. It was inspired. I miss that. Part of me again is afraid of looking back at all those fashion bloggers and ending up copying them even their "persona" or the different ways they all carry themselves. I'm sure one day after moving I'll be able to re-establish my identity and have a better and stable sense of self.

I've also (clearly) calmed down a lot since yesterday. I still feel caught off guard by how that student made me feel, but I already addressed why I felt that way so I want to move on.

I read post just earlier about feeling the need to read other people's journals or threads in the forum and it made me think about "the way I really feel" about being here. I'm still having a lot of issues accepting validation and believing words to be true. Can't say I'm making progress with that, but I do tear up when I see or hear those words. Possibly flashing back to childhood when a similar situation came up and I never got that validating response. Not sure, but I ought to conclude that validation (regarding healing, moving on to a better home, etc) are triggering. Compliments and most encouragement is OK (usually regarding my art or my outfit... is that snobby?)

I also sometimes get this feeling that I ought to be responding to other people's journals or reading all the way through and responding so that I can feel helpful here. Like if I do XYZ, then and ONLY then will I belong. Then and only do I deserve acknowledgement from others. Like.. I have to do something in order to deserve to receive response or deserve to even be here in the first place. That makes no sense at all, but it's a weird fawn sort of feeling I get. I dont feel it has to do with other members, considering I felt this way on the blog site I was at before joining. And if I do those things but get no response, then I feel like I've failed (not only the site but myself too) and want to storm away and not return for days where I end up wanting to repeat the cycle.

I also read in From Surviving To Thriving about fawns being in developmental arrest, and the difficulty in consistency regarding recovery. I had done therapy those years ago, but only for 3 months since I had to move back home after the school year ended for the summer. The T gave me her contact info and I think possibly once I had either called or considered calling. If I did, I didn't get any helpful response from the person who worked with the T. If I didn't call, I'm sure it was because my doubt in being helped, so I gave that up quickly. Same goes for 7cups, which I had joined and stayed for about a few days and left immediately. I on and off returned based on how quickly I got a response to my help. My last experience was most helpful (over about 2 hours) but it also lead to me deeply opening up to Lily (I'm trying not to feel ashamed about that! trying to remember that regardless of response, it's still important to be open and not bottle up feelings!). In all honestly, I felt slightly discouraged at the idea (fact?) that many fawn types often quit before getting too invested in recovery. I won't ignore that, but I'll try to focus on just the simple fact that this is not only going to be hard, but parts of me are going to make me want to quit while I'm ahead. Maybe that's the critic.

I'm talking so much but I still have that unfinished journal entry from yesterday (I totally forgot what I was even writing about) that I was typing at home. Last thing though..

I just finished the very informative chapter about trauma based codependency. I could heavily relate! The Scapegoat portion made me flashback a lot. It also concerned me (though maybe not as much today) about the revealing of the self...  I can't say I'm super secretive, mainly about my feelings that I got shamed for. I feel like I talk a lot about myself, the things that those friends and teachers back in elementary school praised and accepted of me. Like my drawing/art skills. I could talk for days about it, about my recent and occasional past accomplishments. As I was reading, I was starting to wonder if I might be a narcissist. I still have the worry.. I sometimes have a habit of not asking enough questions about people and praying that they can bring it up themselves or that I can actually remember what they've said. Now I wonder if I pay attention at all during conversations or if I am so focused on making myself look Neato that I forget to ask them things

I mean... I don't feel like I relate much to the way the narcissist is described. I couldn't really relate to the fight-fawn OR the fawn-fight hybrid types. I'm not particularly aggressive in giving advice (I haven't even advised in months maybe) and try to stay neutral and not forcing the other person to go with what I'm advising. I can't say I'm at all assertive (yesterday was a prime example, as was the heavily one sided conversation my brother had with me a few months ago about invalidating me). Even when people or friends are rude or hurtful to me, I don't pull out a laundry list of "But Here's Why I'm A Good Person And Have Benefited You, Therefore You Shouldn't Treat Me Like This" or something like that. That seems very un-fawn like and only until recently had I just not even thought about myself and how I don't deserve the mistreatment of past friends or my family. I donno. I can't really say that excessive talking about the one thing that makes me feel good would make me a narcissist. I think I should end here.

[tea-the-artist]

I'm really talking a lot and of course I still haven't posted the other journal entry (I was adding to it but something came up which I'll talk about..)

I really love my friend Zinnia a lot. we've been best friends for over 10 years now since middle school and we've never not wanted to be friends. But lately ever since I opened up to her about the reality of my home/FOO situation (and not just being annoyed with my family), I feel like such an annoyance to her. Or that she thinks I'm annoying. I can't even say that this might be intrusive thoughts. Just earlier we were texting and she wanted to show me her new phone in person and I wanted to see if she was free on Friday. She works to close but could hang out before but she said she wanted to come to my house which makes me uncomfortable.

I don't understand how I'm supposed to be comfortable inviting her to a place like this? It might not be hostile right now but it's still uncomfortable. It still makes me anxious. As soon as she said "come over" I refused and asked why and she just said "You really don't wanna be at home lol" and said I had food here and am close to her job.  I told her I really didn't ever want to be here and said we could do another day and she called me dramatic. I was close to not responding because that made me so frustrated.

How is it dramatic to not want to try to be relaxing with a good friend under and abusive house? When it's practically impossible for me to relax unless I'm so invested in painting or watching videos that it just seems like I'm not even really present at all?! That's not dramatic!!! I know she doesn't want to be at her house either, but I just feel like she should remember all the times (looong before I even knew about mental illnesses) that I never EVER like being here. Codependently, yes. Sure. As my "self" absolutely NOT! Why would I want to bring friends into this place! I haven't had friends over since I was 17 and that was only 2 times in my entire life!! Even when "things were good" and we were living in an apartment (but i was sheltered so nobody could ever come over anyway!). Ughh.

This just makes me feel like a bad friend. But I'm not! Right?? It's not bad to take care of myself and not bring good people into a bad space? If she came over I wouldn't be able to calm down. I'd either spend the entire time drasticizing while she might be talking to me or on edge. And like normal I'd of course be counting down until she has to leave for work. I almost wish I hadn't asked if she was free on Friday. If I had just said "Yeah let's meet up one of these days when you're off" then there would be no issue. Though maybe she'd probably still want to hang out at my house and it'd stress me out and we'd end up in the same conversation.

[tea-the-artist]

Ok.. I still feel angry but I'm going to try to re-approach this calmly as if I'm parent of the Me who got upset about her friend (or if I was a trusted adult that that Me knew) and try to resolve things on my end if I can.

So.. I got mad when she said I was dramatic. That's OK and an understandable response. I should not have to be inside a bad and toxic home just because it might be convenient for my friend. That doesn't make me a bad person. Not wanting to cater to someone else's convenience, not forfeiting my comfort, doesn't make me a bad person.

I spent my whole life sacrificing my comfort for others, so of course it's normal to feel "bad" for refusing to do so. Suddenly refusing to be championing the role of the fawn.

A good idea when it feels like I'm being cornered into a self sacrificing situation (which was how it felt) is to make it clear about wanting to go somewhere else that's not home/near my FOO. Since she had to go to work, it felt like a better solution to hang out on a day where neither of us would feel rushed if we were to go out somewhere, even if we didn't plan or want to spend any money.

I can see how I started to go into freeze mode saying that we should just go another day, maybe to buy myself time to prepare for a non-work social interaction. I think I may have jumped the gun and refused everything altogether, which is understandable but it would have been better to take a minute and clearly think of alternatives to attach to my refusal. Perhaps this was a failed attempt at activating a fight response.

She may be annoyed at me right now, so it's probably also a good idea to text tomorrow and see if we can move forward with alternatives.
--
I feel calmer now. the TV's been distracting me really intensely, but Zinnia texted me back and things are concretely fine I explained just briefly how I didn't want to feel anxious while we're so supposed to be relaxing but she has the weekend off so that's even better! I can breathe (even better than after I tried to resolve things with myself. I think that was good? I just want to eat dinner and relax!)
--
edit (sort of? I wrote this on my laptop yesterday before going to work but never posted)

(wrote this entry before i left for work)
I had a dream I was one of my characters from my art story (he's an older, tall, shy/timid artist who now that I think of it probably has CPTSD too), and that I was at an elementary school. I can't remember too much, but there were little kids around in the class room and I was trying to leave but the teacher was trying to get me to interact with them a little more. I meant to note it down but I was really groggy this morning (I could barely open my mouth to say good morning to my parents).

I just remembered that bit of the dream and figured I'd check out what dreammoods has to say about it

Preschool
To dream that you are in preschool suggests that you are going through a transitional phase in your life. The dream may also represent some unresolved feelings of anxiety or separation.

The latter part makes more sense (though maybe I'm also "transitioning" into a better understanding of my mental health?)

School
To dream that you are in school signifies feelings of inadequacy and childhood insecurities that have never been resolved. It may relate to anxieties about your performance and abilities.
Alternatively, a dream that takes place in school may be a metaphor for the lessons that you are learning from your waking life. You may be going through a "spiritual learning" experience.

I think that's pretty obvious. I haven't dreamed about being in a school in a while. The last memorable one was more like a nightmare but I guess since then I had been mostly unaware of how my childhood affected me in my so far short adult life. I was trying to read before bed but I was really tired and couldn't get past the page I was on without dozing off. But I've definitely been learning a lot, and it makes me feel better that my... subconscious thinks so too (that sounds weird, but it makes sense).

Teacher
To see your teacher (past or present) in your dream suggests that you are seeking some advice, guidance, or knowledge. You are heading into a new path in life and are ready to learn by example or from a past experience. Consider your own personal experiences with that particular teacher. What subject was taught?
Alternatively, a teacher relates to issues with authority and seeking approval. You may be going through a situation in your waking life where you feel that you are being treated like a student or in which you feel you are being put to a test.Also pay attention to the demeanor and attitude of the teacher in your dream. If the teacher in your dream is mean, then it implies that you may be putting too much pressure on yourself to succeed.

I can't remember the face of that teacher, but they may have been my first grade teacher, or kindergarten teacher. From memory, they both look similar to me. I think on some level I've had "issues with authority" but I typically have always followed rules when it was crucial, and kind of did things my own way (usually the creative, rule-breaking way) when I felt I should. My parents have been saying since I was a teenager that I'm being "rebellious" against them and even now my dad still says it every now and then when I "catch attitudes(/act assertive knowing I don't deserve to be talked to like I'm less than a person)."
---

I think there's a lot of journalling going on today and that's great! I always have a lot to talk about and I'm hoping I can start diminishing my shame about that (I already feel bad for excessive posting... but this is my journal..)

Anyway  since last night I've been struggling with moving forward to read beyond the informative chapters of From Surviving to Thriving. I think it's pretty reflective of my life, that I'm struggling to move forward to moving away and properly healing. I guess I'm nervous about messing up and scared that I'll quit before I get very far. The feelings are still there but I ended up backtracking and started reading chapter 2 about levels of recovering and a few quotes stood out to me.

To recover, you need to learn how to support yourself - to meet your unmet developmental needs on each level that is relevant to your experience of childhood trauma.

I think this is really important for me to remember. I think it's also, still of course, what I'm afraid of. Like Dwonderer had mentioned, it is normal to be afraid about going out to and being able/having to do "my own thing." Like... I'd even say to myself, Who do I think I am? An adult? But I am! I'm 23, and not that age really means much, but the reality is that I'm an adult. I am responsible for myself now and it's important to be able to to take on that responsibility not only for my current and future self but also my Child self who missed out on parents who could willingly and lovingly took on the role, despite the challenges. I really do gotta be that person, and even more, I can't [subconsciously?] force that role onto friends or other potential newcomers in my life. They can aid, but they really should not take on burdens they didn't sign up for (the way I took on the role of Surrogate Parent for my brother). If only these words of confidence and sureness could be read to me every day when I wake up....

My efforts to nurture myself in these arrested areas of development were limited and spoiled in early recovery by a feeling of resentment. "Why do I have to do this?" was a common internal refrain. Resentment that should have been directed toward my parents often boomeranged onto me and spoiled or thwarted my efforts at self-nurturance.

I think I've looked at lists and ended up quitting early because I wasn't getting the results when I thought I should be. And that I wasn't getting the results because I was drifting into shaming myself and hating myself. I end up thinking more about others and how I could be benefiting (fawning over) them, instead of how I can finally step up as an adult to my child self and learn and work on self-compassion. And also accept the fact that this will take time because this is COMPLEX ptsd!

[tea-the-artist]

Definitely have been reading a lot and working to calm down. Yesterday evening was rainy and relaxing (I ended up napping for 3 hours unintentionally). I thought about journaling but I think I was really exhausted.

I finally remembered to bookmark pages in Pete Walker's book so I can refer back to relevant readings  The book is feeling a bit tricky to navigate, or maybe I'm just having a hard time figuring out what I need to focus on first. I might consider rereading the chapter about not facing physical abuse (though I am still acknowledging I was in FACT hit, but it isn't as prevalent as the emotional abuse and neglect). I'm concerned if I'm retaining any of what I'm reading. I feel like I am but only for a short while until I move on to reading something else.

Maybe I ought read a section and practice daily some of the reminders and validation. In my scattered reading I came across the 14 Common Inner Critic Attacks, and that section was really helpful and strong-seeming assertions that I could tell myself in the middle of those attacks.

I also feel like I might be rushing to finish the book in a "normal time" which just won't happen because I'm a very slow reader (something like 100 or less words per minute, factoring in comprehension and constant rereading of words, sentences, entire paragraphs). So maybe I'll read a section, practice some assertions or whatever skills I learned for some time until it's at least developed a bit before moving on. That might also take the pressure off me and help me remember that recovery is not a 4-week program. 

In other news, my bro and I are getting along... fairly OK. Still not much talking outside the car. Sometimes on Thursdays and Fridays he shows me what he's learning in his training course. He seems to be doing well but he could be hiding non-academic mishaps. I'm still approaching things as, If He Wants to Tell Me, He Will, Otherwise Carry On With Your Self-Focused Recovery. Focusing on myself is still tough and tiring and occasionally guilt-ridden.

I'm also still struggling with not having concrete.. facts... validation...something? that I'm dissociating because sometimes it feels like I might be, and sometimes I feel like I'm faking the feeling... and other times it feels like those "imaginings." I know the "basic" idea is that you aren't present with your body but ugh... not knowing sometimes brings about a wave of self-criticism. Your faking... stop pretending to feel weirdly absent... just because you're so glued in on the TV doesn't mean anything... Just because after the show goes off or on commercial and you suddenly feel "back in place" doesn't mean anything. Like omg... please relax!! I just need somebody to just verify so I have at least one question answered.

Anyway back to the ol' dream meanings. Today I woke up pretty peaceful, but just before I got out the shower I realized my dream was kind of nightmarish. It was almost a war zone... a lot of violence, planes and drones in the sky being destroyed. Scary... but I didn't feel scared at all. I didn't even feel like I was there at all either. I was "there" but it felt like I was watching from within myself through a TV or movie screen (see.. now that sounds like dissociation!!... can you even dissociate in your dreams? I'm so confused!!)

Violence
To see violence in your dream indicates unexpressed anger or rage. You need more discipline in your life. The dream may also reflect repressed memories of child abuse. Violence toward others in your dream suggests that you may be fighting or struggling against aspects of your own Self.

Well the bold is ridiculously obvious. I tend to get really short bursts of anger, and not very often. If something "angers" me I don't usually seem anger, but I typically cry about it. I'm 100% sure I have a lot of unexpressed and suppressed anger, especially about my childhood trauma. I don't even think I've gotten ANGRY about it... just.. a lot of sadness and guilt. My fight response is so almost shut down (if not completely). That actually makes me a bit sad.
I mean... all these years (what.. two decades!) without being allowed to express anger. All my youth anger was turned against me and labelled "rebellious behavior." I was punished for ever getting angry about the hurt my dad put me through. Even my recent adult years, that I've learned to stop caring about myself and care about my brother's abuse from our dad, even my anger about that was used against me. It made me sick how my brother was treated but never once was allowed to express that. And still never allowed to express anger (or to even BELIEVE) about my own and his abuse. I've expressed to friends my agitation but it just seems to fly right back because they aren't people who can remedy that.

Anyway, in my dream I wasn't violent at all actually. I seemed to just be strolling by. I can't remember if I was walking or in a car, but I didn't feel anything at all. But it does make sense, maybe I've been struggling against the Self that is ridden with guilt about my past.

Gun
To see a gun in your dream represents aggression, anger, and potential danger. You could be on the defensive about something. Or you may be dealing with issues of passiveness/aggressiveness and authority/dependence. Alternatively, a gun is a symbol of power and pride. Perhaps you are looking for shelter or protection in your dream.

That makes sense. I mean I am understanding the serious passiveness that comes with being a fawn. As for looking for shelter/protection, I can't say that for the dream Me, but for me in the real world, I feel that's the case. I think I'm still shirking the responsibility of self-compassion on some level. And that I'm just praying to find someone to take care of me like I'm a child... that's probably not a good idea considering being a fawn-freeze type often brings me to re-abandonment feelings in relationships (platonic or romantic).

Crowd
To see an unruly crowd in your dream signifies that the worries and problems around you are pressing in on you. You are expressing great distress.

Something I just realized. A lot of the aspects of my dream (the panicky crowd, the people shooting, the person running away from being shot...) have all been key elements of past dreams. I think this is the first time I dreamed as an observer. I wasn't really a part of the mess. I could walk past things but not actually feel the emotions. Normally in my dreams I can feel the emotions, and normally right as I wake up, I feel the emotions but they slowly linger away. But this morning I woke up peacefully and only when I was in the shower did I realize I had a dream at all.

Another thing... A lot of the violence... was missed. The planes in the sky, whenever looked up I could see triangular aiming symbols that would flash red to symbol firing, and shortly after, a small explosion would appear just behind the plane, clearly missing the target.

Explosion
To see explosions in your dream symbolize your repressed anger. The rage that you have been holding in has come to the surface in a forceful and violent manner. Your subconscious is trying to get your attention.

Well... that might be my inner child. I wonder if ICs ever communicate through dreams, because dreams is usually how I figure out what underlying issues might be going on or what I need to focus on. Like I said before, I haven't really had a chance to express anger so a lot of my dreams tend to do it for me (though I'm sure I need to do it IRL too).

Airplanes
To see an airplane in your dream indicates that you will overcome your obstacles and rise to a new level of prominence and status. You may experience a higher consciousness, new-found freedom and greater awareness. Perhaps you need to gain a better perspective or wider view on something.

I think waht's also interesting is that the planes (from what I remember) were never hit. Or.. maybe one. I can't remember, but a lot of targets were missed. So maybe the results I've been looking for might be positive after all. At least... that makes me feel a little positive (so maybe my changed outlook will have an effect). Last symbol..

Field
To see green fields in your dream symbolize great abundance, freedom, and happiness. You may also be going through a period of personal growth. Alternatively, this dream may simply be an expression for your love of nature.

The bold and the last statements are correct! I think... it's really nice that my subconscious (inner child as well? maybe) would tell me that. That it really feels like I'm going through personal growth. I feel appreciative actually! It even makes me feel a bit more confident too! Motivated as well.   Dream recording has been so useful and important to me, and while things don't fully seem "better" than the first memorable nightmare I had on father's day years ago, I know I've definitely grown since then and have released a bit of suppressed emotions through knowledge over this time. Go me!  

[tea-the-artist]

I went back to reread some earlier journal entries and normally, my own words of self-compassion don't move me but I just teared up at this.

Guilt isn't your fault. Your unconditional caring for them, despite everything that's happened to you, says a lot. But for once, Tea, you've got to do something good for yourself. You can't keep coasting day-to-day, letting the actions of others and your own inaction blow you along like wind blowing a feather. Please for once, be selfish and learn how to care about yourself!

I don't feel sad, but I can't explain it. It's how I react to validation and encouragement. I tear up, because they're saying words that was never spoken to me when I extremely needed them as a child. I still can't say for sure if it's my IC responding to the self-compassion. Possibly.

When I was younger and used to write fun journals about cartoons I liked and school life, I would reread my entries "to myself" as if I was reading to the imaginary friends I had back then (I recently did this again, reading some old journals to new imaginaries..friends?). I think it was a way to comfort my loneliness and to make my room a place where I felt the presence of kids and some older people who liked me and cared about me.

Maybe my reading that entry I wrote the other day felt the same, and my IC felt comforted by it. "Guilt is not your fault." It's not. Nothing I ever did would be reason enough for the guilt. I don't deserve to be holding guilt over things that were never my fault. And you, timid little IC, you didn't ever deserve to have people force you to develop a guilt like this.

[tea-the-artist]

I don't think I feel like talking much but I haven't been here in a few days. I made the mistake of opening up to being neglected to Zinnia (I wasn't real specific and she didn't really respond to it specifically since my texts were out of order.. of course), and now I had to be in work early so I'm here and just.. ugh. I wish we hadn't been talking about that stuff right before I had to come in. I don't really have the energy to get up and leave even though no students are here for testing.

i feel like my mind is racing and I feel so angry but sad and tired and exhausted and bits of memory are popping up here and there and my feelings about them are coming and going.

I haven't read in a few days and haven't been practicing what I've read. I want.. should feel and be serious about this but something's making me not want to do that.

sometimes I feel closer to moving out and other times I'm thinking to myself "I'm fine...things are fine... what did I need to move out for again?"

but I'm so tired of this emotional yo-yo. I have half a mind to throw myself back into video games so I can just not think at all and just focus on gaming and not the * my mind is going through trying to figure things out.

[Wife#2]

Sometimes few words are best, other times, just a    is what you need. Peace for your heart until you know which way you want to go today. Tomorrow will handle itself. You can't take any steps if you feel overwhelmed by the whole journey. Just look at today. What will help you feel happy (happier) and safe (safer) today. That's all. No 'should's about it. YOU are enough and just by being YOU, you deserve happiness and safety. 

[tea-the-artist]

I know Wife#2.. I think I'm just still having trouble being comforted and validated too. I can't say I'm not feeling anything or much considering I cried a bit today already, but I donno how to explain it. I feel kind of floaty/drifty. I donno which end of an EF I might be in, if I'm just finishing or just starting one. I just want to sleep for days I guess (too bad I got work and people to please) 

[tea-the-artist]

Something I forgot but now just remembered, over the last couple days I've been asking my mom questions here and there about my childhood. Just to see if I could get some evidence of neglect that I of course won't be able to remember since I was so small (between birth and 3-4 years). Haven't gotten much answer, but she did tell me I stopped needing a baby sitter when I got to first grade. I forgot about the babysitter I had when I was in kindergarten. She was nice I think but I didn't like her son. He roughhoused with me and one of my friends the way my brother did my whole life. Thinking about that's kind of...

I told her about the times I had to wait at "The Office" of our apartment complex neighborhood up for years after school since i didn't have a key to the apartment. She asked me kind of "pretend sympathetically" if I was traumatized being left alone, and I ended up playing along, but honestly saying "Yes." She continued the schpiel, patting me on the back and when she turned around I walked out the kitchen up to my room not saying anything else.

I donno if I'm feeling better. It's been an hour since I wrote and got off work and I still feel drifty. Yesterday I had a weird imagining that Lily had randomly come to visit in an emergency. She needed to see me and I was feeling shocked. I felt panicky and was pacing the room but for some reason I couldn't finish it. I ended up going to sleep crying feeling so alone that there's literally no one that can come here and comfort me at all. but even still sometimes i dont want anyone to try because I just can't feel it at all. i don't ever feel like any warmth is true if applied to me. I could be told 700 times a week, I'm not sure I'd really believe it.

I know the biggest thing is because I still live here. I just.. ugh! I really want to be thrown out. Speed things up. If I have to figure out all the "adult" things on my own then fine. I got sent to college barely even knowing how to cross streets with traffic. I figured it out then, I'm sure I'll figure it out later. I feel guilty I promised things to friends and never completed them and I'd feel bad to ask to move in.. I know my safety and health would be priority. I just feel like I need to complete those things so I can gift it whenever I ask. It still sounds like I'm trying to buy my safety as if it has a price and if I can't pay it then I can't get it or deserve it. I know that's not true. I just don't have the energy to complete those things. They were supposed to be done at least in September.  Now it's already November.

Even if I moved I still don't know if I'd get that comfort. I feel like I'd still isolate myself.