Self-Care and Self-Educating, ch.1

[tea-the-artist]

I had this kind of unsettling dream that I quickly recovered from. My brother was there and he was saying "Sure, you won't talk to me, I won't talk to you." And I felt this overwhelming feeling of guilt. We've been on "play" terms lately despite my futile attempts at trying to prolong my role as The Entertainer Fawn, but it hasn't really been strained at all. He's been busy studying for his training course so we having been talking that much.

I did get away from that guilt feeling, but I just wonder why it came up. Maybe I do still have a hidden feeling of guilt about not actively interacting with him. Whenever I do, he often feels compelled to do comparisons and make it seem like whatever I'm experiencing just isn't as bad as his or isn't important at all (or not happening at all). But I've been working to not feel bad and focus on learning to heal myself and be there for myself. So that guilt can just stay away from my waking life.

Yesterday I read a bunch of stuff about dissociation (idk how much of what I read is sticking with me) and I'm still unsure. I just don't know what it really means to be "present" and not just "autopiloting." Maybe being present would mean that I can feel everything and everyone's presence (physically AND emotionally) and probably not have a slight floating feeling. I still have that "I'm not really a part of this" feeling, not only emotionally (feeling detached from situations, like the time my mom tried to comfort me and basically tell me all the things I should have heard as a child for it to be effective), but even physically. It's almost a slight distance away. Like, if I was ever being thrust out of my body, but I was strong enough to not get pushed back too far, I'd be just an inch behind or something. I guess that's how I'd describe it.  Ugh... it's so weird and eerie thinking about it.

Anyway, part of me now is wanting to spend the night over at Pansy and MG's place. Not really to get away... maybe. I just feel like I need to recuperate or something. Or maybe just a longing to be around them.

[tea-the-artist]

DISCOVERY? possibly...

I think... I realized this yesterday when Zinnia was asking me about a sketchbook commission I was doing for Peach my online artist friend. She seemed kind of interested and asking questions, more than usual and it felt like all the times my parents tried to show interest (all of a sudden, finally after much of my short life has passed) in my art stuff. I don't usually talk to her about it since she's not an artist and when we were growing up we didn't talk much about it then. But it just felt off.

and I realized it was a similar feeling to when my mom tried to comfort me that day a few months ago and tell me I was a good person and that everyone in the family loved me despite me doing things that caused drama or problems.

And I realized it felt just like when Lily had kissed me last month too and was saying those nice things about me and how she still liked me and wanted to be with me more after not seeing each other for over 3 years.

It's all the SAME DISTANCE!!! All of it. Every single time. I felt that distance, that detaching. It's weird to say that comfort and validation could ever trigger me to unconsciously detach emotionally. But... there it is.

In all those moments, I felt not much. I only felt like "well I should be reacting this way, so let me react" or "I should just go along with this because they appear to want that." Maybe I've figured it out? I feel like I finally have.

Not that this solves my problem of detaching, but I see what might be causing it. I see why I have trouble with validation. Even when Pansy and I hung out for my birthday last year and she asked me if I would consider moving in the first time. I mean, I felt guilt about the past and my codependent relationship (unbeknownst to me at the time) with my brother, but nothing about the present gesture itself. But in my normal autopilot ways, I said I was grateful for the offer but wasn't sure about taking it up.

Even on this forum, when people are cheering me on or wishing me good luck, I still get that detaching feeling. Be grateful! Make sure to thank them. Tell them how much you feel uplifted to continue your journey in recovering. Include a smiley so they know you're for real!

wow... This is probably one of the worst things ever to discover actually. I don't think I'm feelingless. Well.. I'm sensitive (or maybe get triggered a lot into EFs). I think all my sensitivities end up causing me to relate to the past and feel what Little Tea felt back then. I still wonder if I have to daydream to communicate with her (or if my daydreaming "as" my characters as children means I'm communicating or something). But I'm still scared to wonder if I'm ever really reacting to the present in the present and only the present. Not being sent back to childhood and how my dad yelled at me. How my kindness was taken advantage of. How I took on the affectionate parental role of my brother who also missed out. The guilt that developed with that role.

I even remember in school (both high school and college) being almost in tears whenever my friends and I finished our lunches and they'd leave and walk ahead away from me without waiting. It didn't feel "rude" but rather like abandonment I see. High school Tea wasn't an adult until senior year, so maybe that doesn't count. It still hurt and I never understood why I always wanted to cry when they wouldn't wait for me.

But anyway it just really seems like a lot of what I react to emotionally is all not really present at all. The negative things (that resemble past abandonment and neglect and abuse) possibly trigger emotional flashbacks. The "positive" things (like comfort, kindness, validation, etc things I didn't receive by my parents as a child) those things trigger this emotional detachment (though, if I see it happening to other people like in TV shows/movies/games/sometimes IRL, I think it triggers an EF or some kind of overwhelming sadness that I didn't receive those things). In the moment I won't feel it or something inside will deny it to no end, also causing me to cry. Now I'm confused...

The positive things.. even just the positive moments, I just feel like it's happening to someone that's not me. In another board I talked about how it felt like I was a bystander sitting a table away, eavesdropping on the conversation. I still "see" fine and know who I'm with. But I donno. It's hard to explain the detachment when... I was detached and not feeling what's really going on.

As much as it concerns me, I still want to keep my focus to learning more about inner children and managing flashbacks. If I ever move out, maybe then I'll be be able to have the strength to also work towards "being present."

[tea-the-artist]

I want to write this before I head off to work.

I've been so detached lately (especially the last 15 or so hours) and I feel like... what's just happened in my country kind of reminded me of something. I read someone say "What do we do now? We look out for each other." And I forgot about that. Not that I should now stop my self-focused recovery. But this story I had been working on for over two years. It was about that. Perhaps not so deep and strong as what my country's going through, but still I had always thought it was enough.

And last night I also realized that I wasn't just writing that story for those of us who are suffering and longing for something like it. But I've been writing it for myself. "This is the story of how things should have gone." In my life. In my childhood, in my short adulthood. I think in a way I was unconsciously writing it for my inner child. To tell her a story about a loving life that all of these people live, a hard life that some of them lived, and the better life that they were able to attain.

I'm not disappointed in myself for forgetting or not realizing. But I feel in a way (a very low, but still present way) energized to pick it back up. It meant so much to me while writing it. A lot of it hurt, triggered me. But in some way, I still knew I wanted to keep writing and illustrating it.

I really want to pick it back up. I'm not just writing and painting and illustrating for those of us here who have and still are suffering. But also for my inner child, I see now.

[Wife#2]

What a wonderful realization!     Your inner child deserves this story and you deserve to be the creative force that brings it to her.

[tea-the-artist]

I think so too Wife#2! I wrote so much yesterday that my work shift went by so quickly! Every day I want to remind myself how important this is and will be for Little Tea. I hope the further I get, I will picture her, in every key time of hurt, picking up this story, the comics, the illustrations, the poetry and prose, and feeling at ease. I hope her eyes will sparkle and I hope she will feel comforted and joy!

I also decided tomorrow I'm going to go see Pansy and MG. I never did those commissions. I feel bad still. I feel compelled to lie and say my other commission took over, but maybe I won't. I also feel compelled to spill my guts and talk about all the things I've been learning these past few months.

They both said they miss me, and I still feel that detaching. I replied the same, but in a way felt like I didn't want to see them. I'm nervous they're going to ask about moving possibilities. It's been a while since I felt excruciating guilt over leaving my family. I've been pretty focused on me and what Little Tea had experienced and educating myself (haha or maybe it's me just now generally being so detached that I seem to not really care).

That last bit does concern me though. If that's the case I must really truly be burnt out from this * summer. I've been still crying about Little Tea, though I don't remember having an EF since either early this week or last week.

I've been dreaming a lot this week but I've been too tired to record them or at least record the key elements. My brother and dad make appearances this week, but for today I forgot what was going on. I also wonder if it might have to do with this detaching thing I'm still figuring out. Dreams have always seemed to be my subconscious trying to alert or remind me about something. And typically I feel enough to record it all instantly. Not this week though.  We'll see. Still nervous about seeing friends tomorrow.

[Wife#2]

Before meeting with them, try all your relaxing methods you know - yoga or mindfulness or whatever works for you right now. Deep breathing if that will help. Then, try to let the conversation happen organically.

I want to recommend not lying to your friend. With guilt and fear trying to build up in your system, you don't need the added ammunition right now. If they ask about moving, tell them your truth. If you'd love to, but don't see this being the right time - say that. If you changed your mind - say that!

While I do say don't lie, that doesn't mean you have to tell them everything that's been blocking the artistic process. Be truthful without full disclosure.

An example in my life: My husband asks how my day was. There are the following answer options:
A) Productive. It was busy and I got a lot done. I feel good about today.
B) Fine. I was busy. Is dinner ready yet?
C) Wow, what a day. I had problems all morning and challenges all afternoon. I got a lot done and I feel really good about handling all those issues and making everyone happy.

I usually go with B, but A happens sometimes, too. C might happen, but later, after I've asked about HIS day and we've had dinner. All three are true and all three describe my day and answer my husband's question. I read his mood (grumpy face, happy face, actual hug when I get in) and decide from there which answer will be received the best. I keep it true, but decide during the conversation how much to disclose.

Maybe you could make a list of true answers, with varying degrees of detail, and decide during the conversation which one feels best to actually say. For both big issues likely to come up - the commission and the idea of moving out.

The biggest thing to remember is that you WILL survive, and your friendship will survive, if they are disappointed or even upset! Really! True friends can be upset with each other and still love each other and still want to be around each other! As bad as I've let one of my best friends in the world down, she still considers me a heart-sister and wants me included in her life. That's how true friends are!

[tea-the-artist]

Thanks for the tips Wife#2  I'm going to see about practicing tonight and again tomorrow morning.

I don't really want to lie, just.. every time I met up with them and they ask how things are going, I jump straight to lying or brushing everything off like "It's terrible but whatever " and I definitely don't want to do that either. I think I'll write some scenarios here, so if I get nervous again tomorrow I can look them over and practice what will feel right.

Pansy asks how the commissions are going. Options:

   
• I only got up to sketching everything out. Only one of the six are ready to paint. I didn't realize how long they would actually take.
• Everything's sketched but I haven't gotten to painting them yet.
• I didn't get to painting any of them, a lot's been going on since we last met up.

2 or 3 sounds like what I would lean to. Possible follow up, Has everything been OK? (also possibly the first question they'll ask when I get in the car)

   
• Hmm not really, but I'll live.
• *shrug* No *avoid eye contact*
• Not exactly, I've been trying to learn about stuff so I can cope with being at home all the time.

I'd like to be able to say #3 but I'll probably stick to old habit and go for #1. If I get to say much more than that before making them uncomfortable, maybe I can non-specifically say I'm learning about ongoing childhood trauma and how to deal with the affects now that I'm an adult. Either or both of them will say something like "That's good." And we'll probably move on or ask me more (either way it's upsetting because I deeply would like to be able to get them to know like... how frustrating and emotional it's been, more than they've ever seen out of me (which is not much) and more than I lead on (also not much). If they ask it'll be emotional too).

I think I should answer slowly and not always so immediately, think about what I'm going to say and whether in that moment I'm comfortable saying it out loud. The ideal is still to let them know what's been going on has been incredibly tough and draining.

And to the even bigger question, about moving. Have I thought more about moving in with them? Options

• Yeah... I really want to, but I don't know if I even can.
• I have, and right now I don't know if it's a good time to leave. I've been having a lot of guilt about leaving and I don't know if it's a good idea right now.
• Yes and I want to move out, I just don't know what to do about it now and after the fact (IMPULSIVE CHOICE)

It'd be a blessing to say #3. Still, while I'm feeling less guilty these days, I still feel like I will get into trouble and I've got no clue how to bring it up to my parents.

Now that I'm writing that, I think I also want to mention that I earnestly feel like my family doesn't care about me. Like.. those are my true feelings, something I never thought I'd feel because was given the illusion that all the material things and economical care I received was enough to keep a feeling like that away. I think that might give them some perspective to add to how hard it is to still be living here.

Ugh.. I should be prepared to cry in front of them. That'll be the third time in the almost 4 years I've known them. I always want to appear aloof and uncaring (not empathy-wise but just that aura) so I don't inconvenience them and try to be easy going. I don't want to ruin the whole mood. Maybe I'll talk about the stuff all together. Moving and my feelings about it and how they relate to my mental illness that it's incredibly overwhelming especially since I just realized it just months ago.

I think somehow it's going to be OK though. I want to keep reassuring myself that. It always ends up looking OK, but the feeling of dread (EF? abandonment issue-related EF?) when we leave to go home will surely be there. I think this time since I know what it may mean, when I get back home (or on the way home) I need to practice soothing myself and possibly Little Tea (if EF is the case? either way I want to do both) and let her know I'm still here for her.

Speaking of, IC is still a confusing concept for me. I never know if I should go about it the way I once did with imaginary friends as a child (and up until now even) or the way I project into a feeling of being around other characters, either as my characters in their story, or as myself interacting with characters from a new cartoon I like. I've been trying, and I never know if it's for real or not.

I had tried the "reach your arms out" and the "can you imagine lifting her up?" "can you see her?" Well maybe. I was able to see myself as a kid. I never do that. Never before (I even cried at work Monday because when I tried to think back then I couldn't get any image of myself as a child, like I wasn't sure what I looked like). But I've been kind of able to now. I think the Little Tea I'm seeing is 5 or 6. I think definitely kindergartner Little Tea. Strange, when I think of her, she has the hairstyle my mom would give me when I was in 6th grade I think.

Yesterday, I got new watercolor paints in the mail, and a big art catalog from the store I bought it from. I imagined sitting with Little Tea and going through the catalog looking at neat stuff, as if I was her guardian/parent?/caretaker, and seeing her little hand pointing to things and saying the color it was.. "red!" or what a drawing was "house..tree!" And this morning while I was eating, I imagined her doing that thing kids do when they eat. Kinda wigggle or dance in their seat. I made funny faces.

Still though... I don't know if it's really Little Tea or my imagination. I hope it's her. I'm nervous tomorrow. If it was her, will she be upset after I leave my friends? True friends won't abandon me, so I'll have to remember that, to eventually know it not only logically but emotionally too.

I hope I can spot potential hurting while I'm hanging out, and see about excusing myself and not pushing the feeling/s away. We'll see. I hope I can do things as planned and not just wing it as usual.

[Wife#2]

HUGS to you and your inner child. I'm no professional, so I can't say for sure, but when you do these scenarios, if you feel just a little better in your heart, then I think it may be your inner child that you are soothing, spending time with, comforting. Those little tender moments are wonderful for you and for her.

I also thought it not so strange that her hair style was from a different age - she's YOUR inner child. She's picked some things she liked along the way, even if she's more or less Kindergarten Tea.

I don't know how great these friends are to you, but I can say that great friends are a little uncomfortable and a lot honored when someone who was closed off opens up around them. Even with your aloof attitude, they were able to see that you wanted and needed out of your parents' home. That sounds like very good friends to me.

I just realized part of why I wanted to befriend you when reading your posts. You remind me very much of a friend who was very dear to me. Her situation was nearly identical. She is aloof, breezy was the word I used a lot. She is incredibly smart. When we got to know each other in our 20's, she was already haunted and damaged. She didn't talk about that much. I was one of the few friends she allowed in her house. In her case, I think it was the mother who was the narc and her father the enabler. Her older sisters had bailed as soon as they were legally old enough. But, her brother couldn't be pried from the house with a crowbar. She, as the youngest, was basically the family glue. I could tell that she needed out, though she never spoke ill of either parent. Over and over, I offered a way out and she'd seem interested until the time came. She didn't get out until she married. The marriage was rocky because it was for all the wrong reasons. Regardless, I kept being her friend. She was always welcome at my place and I visited her often at hers. When she threw her husband out (I didn't ask questions, I just offered help), she asked me to move in so we could split rent. She reconciled with her husband and by her own choice severed our friendship. When I reached out to her years later, she pushed me away again. I reached out again recently. She didn't push me away, but she acts as if we are strangers. After all this time, maybe we are. But, I still love her as a friend and want only the best for her.

I'm telling you this to let you know that real friends will NEVER give up on you, even if you shock them, scare them or hurt them. They may distance themselves for a while, but they won't just walk away. Unless you walk away from them, then they'll respect your decision. So, while you decide what you want to say, what degree of truth you feel safe speaking, know that they may react, but that does NOT mean they reject. Despite how your parents have made you feel about interactions - it's not friendship fatal if they react negatively. They don't have to be happy with you every second to love you and want the best for you. So, go with what makes you feel safest. If you can, also be honest, but first be safe.

HUGS.

[tea-the-artist]

Thank you Wife#2! It's been interesting these last few days but I'm still learning a lot. I'm not sure if what I described was her, but when I got home on Friday I was incredibly upset at having to return home, in tears and ended up writing about it, laying down and hugging myself. But I tried to see it as Little Tea. My parents or brother hadn't said or done anything to me that would hurt, but I was so upset, so I feel that might have been an EF. It felt soothing actually, and after a while the tears stopped. I really tried to think that she was there, and maybe it didn't work, but I did feel better and the sadness hasn't come back. I'm aware of the reality of having to be here, but my heart doesn't feel painful.

Your story about your friend really brought tears to my eyes. I think I can see why I remind me of her. I think in a way, I want to push friends away and think it's just easier that way, but it was surprising to see them and they were still the same. Maturer but still the same and still welcomed me.

They don't have to be happy with you every second to love you and want the best for you.

I'm glad you said that, because I think that's another thing that scares me a lot (likely from being a fawn type). The fear that any unhappiness with me from them means the friendship has ended. And why I want to please them so much to alleviate that? I think since we've been friends, we try a lot to not hurt each other because we all know most of each other's backstories. But after the fact, I feel heartwarmed that my friend MG said he was happy to see that I've been progressing in being more open about my situation. And that he'd noticed before, I'd kind of brush around it but reluctant to talk about the reality of it, and now it's different. I really appreciate that that's noticeable, and if I get the chance to move in, I know they won't push me away if I become even more open than I am now.

I did bring up a few things that I'd never said before, that I genuinely felt like my parents didn't care about me, even if it might not be true at all. I told them that concretely no matter what, my answer to moving in was "Yes." but I just wasn't sure what to do about the time between telling my parents and moving out.

I even told MG I was really afraid of having to grow up, though I didn't specify my fear of the reality of being responsible for myself. He ended up calming some of my worries about being unsure if I'd be able to for sure stay there without any issue of finances. And Pansy told me and our friend Rose that she's all for letting friends stay and working to sort their $*&^ out basically. And that eased another worry too.

We had actually gone to hang at their apartment, and I saw the room I'd be living in. Their whole space just felt like a small house. It felt comfortable, but still I wasn't able to fully relax. While we watched Devil Wears Prada, every time my attention went away from the movie, I felt myself distancing and even though I was sitting by everyone, I felt like I was sitting in a corner until my attention returned.

Even when I got early birthday presents, they were talking and I was flipping through a "Why You're So Awesome" book they made for me, and I felt kind of closed off, and reading some of the things that didn't feel true didn't help. I teared up a bit and I think Pansy noticed but she didn't say anything.

Every now and then I could feel MG looking at me, I think to see if I was doing OK (this was after I told him about complex trauma and how I've been trying not to invalidate myself). I teared up just a moment ago, feeling bad about it, but I'm trying to see it as a nice gesture. Like... this person cares about you, ya know? It doesn't feel like happy tears though.

Anyway, I think Pansy and MG know I want to move in. There's no question. I want to move in before the year ends, and I told them that. There's just the standing to my parents and saying I want to move out, and how strange the place will feel before I'm officially moved out. I wish I didn't have to.

I ended up posting to my blog about how upset I was to return home. I got home just having wiped tears away from the car ride home, and my mom was in my room behind the door and she didn't see me upset, so I kept them closed pretending to ask her to leave so I could get redressed. I just really honest to my heart wanted to be like "Yeah I'll move out right now today, just go home and get all my stuff and bring it back." I don't feel bad about not being able to, just having to wait and how I've got to get the courage to get myself out of here because no one else can do it but me.

I think a part of me other than lack of courage, is still dragging her feet. I'm still putting my art on my walls and reorganizing my art desk to make it feel new, like the constant change will make this house more bearable. I still have another chance to make it concrete. This weekend is our Friendsgiving and hopefully I can do something confidently.

In some other news, I've been deep breathing. I do it for a while until I feel like I need to do it 10 more times. Last night was particular. I showed my mom my new desk set up and she was looking at the work on my walls and said when she gets her new office desk, she wants me do make a bunch of art for her. I told her it was ironic that now they wanted me for my skills. She said she and my dad have always supported me in everything I did. WRONG!!! WRONG WRONG!!! I said it wasn't true but she ended up changing the subject. We went back downstairs and I was doing dinner and I forget what but she said "I guess I'll just go back to my place (in the dinning room at her laptop)" and then one of the taco shells fell to the floor I slammed them onto the plate to microwave, and I got so angry and had to go upstairs. I ended up doing my deep breathing and cooled off, and did it 10 more times after I felt more relaxed and went back downstairs.

I think that was good because I know I would have yelled at her and felt like my dad does when he gets angry. I gave her her dinner when I was done and she thanked me and I said "you're welcome" instead of "sure" or "yeah" like I would if I was annoyed.

So far that's the one thing I've been able to do. I might go find my bubble blowers because Pansy's sister brought it up when she mentioned her daughter was in therapy and used bubbles to be a therapeutic thing. She thought it was silly, but I agreed, and I love blowing bubbles. I forgot about them, but I'll hunt for them later to add to my initial self-calming toolbox

But all in all... they know I want to move out, and they know that my guilt has been lessening greatly in just the last month. I know if I move out, healing will be easier, though still challenging. If I move out, I'll be forced to be an adult for myself, which I've done before. Having to figure things out for myself, and I know my friends will still be there.

[tea-the-artist]

Oof... I'm starting to feel how anxious I was last week, and feeling it pass too. I hadn't seen Rose since last september on her birthday, and the others since summer. I feel kind of relieved that I decided to see them and stop brushing them off. I got to say things I've been needing to say and I'm really glad they understand and aren't being forceful about me moving in (though, that would really help actually if they could literally drag me and keep me in their apartment and get all my things here). They even talked about getting movers... it seems real. But it hasn't hit me like that yet. My heart will be fluttering on that day.

Earlier, I told my mom about the 3rd room in MG and Pansy's apartment. I said it was for me if I wanted to move in, and she didn't say much to that.

It's still frustrating, maybe she's just forgetting how I've felt about everyone in the few times I've told her in the last couple years. I've blatantly told her my dad was emotionally abusive. Blatantly said I wish I could move out. All times when my dad was in a rampage or being horrible to my brother. So.. why push all that aside and act confused or hurt when I hint at wanting to move out? I don't want to be rude about it and blame her for being "old" when she's only 57 but she does forget certain things a lot and it hurts when it feels like she either wasn't paying attention or didn't really care whenever I express my dislike having to live here.

She even jokes about me moving out once I get married and it always makes me sick to my stomach. To think I would still be here while I'm dating someone. In what world does she live in where I'm going to be dating someone?

Even more that I think about it, I know I won't marry a man anyway. My label is pretty loose (once bisexual, then "queer", then pansexual, now queer again), but typically gender doesn't have a negative influence on potential romantic relationships (though in the last year I'm very against dating men, and knowing despite my attraction, I'm valid in my choice for my own safety).

So I just can't see myself living here (I actually wrote "there" so is that a step closer to my final decision?).

TRIGGER WARNING // SUICIDE MENTION


Sometimes actually... I wish I could get thrown out because of it. I've thought about it a LOT in the last year. It's terrifying. While my parents probably don't think about it anymore, I still think of what my dad said to me when it was hinted that I might be gay. I'd rather kill myself than have a gay daughter. I was 14, sophomore in high school. It went back to him reading a journal of mine and of course he'd bring it up to me. Even to this day, I don't understand why he'd say that to me at that age.

Even more, I sometimes wish he did. Though, at that age it would bring me incredible guilt, thinking I'd "caused" that to happen. I think my anger about it is valid. My sadness at the time was valid too. And my confusion. How any parent could think saying that to a kid is the right thing. It's funny, my parents aren't that religious anyway. I never went to church.

At first I didn't want to think about this, but I think it's all the more reason to move out. And feel safer. I'm only out to my 5 friends and one of my coworkers. I'm not obligated to be out, but I am obligated to be in a safe space.

One thing I should have asked my friends.. is if moving out guaranteed never having to come back here. I'm sure it might. Or things might get better on my end where I can support myself if they become unable to help out.

Maybe Thanksgiving or Christmas or New Years will go so horribly wrong that my moving out will make sense to them. I know it shouldn't have to be that way though, but I'd really rather go through it than muster up real strength to confront them when no drama has happened since September.

[Wife#2]

Tea,

I am so glad that you discovered that you have genuine friends. Don't be upset with yourself for the 'floating / alone' feelings. That will happen from time to time. Especially as you explore stepping out into a great unknown.

HUGS to you and hopefully a peaceful, productive day is ahead!

[tea-the-artist]

Thank you as always Wife#2! I'm really trying hard to accept their kindness for what it is, kindness, and not as a reward for doing good or nice things to or for them. I'll try not to be upset about the floating/distance feelings. I still try to spot when I'm feeling them, though I only realize a little while after thinking to myself "hmm, I feel like I'm not really here/sitting in a corner," not immediately realizing what's happening. I shouldn't be hard on myself about it. Thank you also, Wife#2 for being such a nice friend to me! 

[Wife#2]

Tea, I consider it an honor to call you friend! And you returning the title makes me feel even more honored. You are, from all your posts, a thoughtful, kind person. I am glad to know you! 

[tea-the-artist]

I'm really glad Wife#2!! as well!!

[tea-the-artist]

This morning I may have annoyed/aggravated my dad. We were running a minute late (my brother needs to get to the city for his course) and I went to the kitchen to help my mom with packing. I took the milk out since she was pouring her cereal and when I was done putting it in her bottle, she said she didn't need it. So as I turned to the fridge to open it, my dad came in to close the milk. I grabbed and he said hold on. So I held for a second and then (foolishly not saying "I'll tighten it, no worry") tightened the cap as he said "Hold on!" again. I said it's ok so that we don't waste any time (implying "I can do it faster than you") and as I walked out the kitchen he said "What's that?!" in his loud "I dare you to be being disrespectful right now!" voice. I repeated myself and then moved on. He seemed to be annoyed I guess, not sure. He asked my mom if she was wearing the jacket he had grabbed, and when she said yes, I offered to take it to her and he said "Just go ahead, I'll give it to her" so I went to the car.

Fast forward a minute later, my mom got into the car and looked at me like something was up (I assume my dad momentarily raged about me to her while they were still in the house. I didn't care visibly but since then (since his loud voice in the kitchen actually) I've been on edge. In the car I acted unbothered, chatted with my brother about something funny.

Like... on one hand, the Adult thing to do would have been to just let him screw the cap on the milk. It wasn't even about screwing the cap on so milk wouldn't spill, but having control over me. "Hold on." But someone logical and neutral would say it was about the milk.

I could have even said "Oh don't worry I got it." Because I did have it.

I didn't really have to make that comment about wasting time. In retrospect, I felt the same as I did the last time I got in trouble for speaking without thinking. Like that wasn't me speaking, but it was. But really I don't care.

I mean if this blows up, it'll give me a reason to move out. And they'll see why. I would be doing myself and Little Tea justice if I moved out. My whole childhood was such a daydream. Imagining I wasn't really living with everyone, but a dormitory with at least 20 friends that I got to "see" every dad and "live with" every day.

Doesn't that ALONE say how much as a child I did not enjoy living at home?!?? Spaced out for hours if I wasn't with my brother, and even then my "friends" and I developed telepathy so we could "communicate" if I was too embarrassed to whisper-speak to these imaginary friends (something I learned from the show Ghost in the Shell). Doesn't that say how much I just didn't or couldn't feel safe "being present." Whatever that even means!!

Seriously, even if I was to just say, forget everything that's happened to me as an adult. Gone. Just... the sight of my childhood. 17 and under right? Just all of that. Didn't deserve it. Didn't deserve to be in that space. God why am I still writing when I'm at work it only makes me more anxious and aggravated.

AND NOTHING HAPPENED!!!! My dad raised his voice!! And I started to feel small but tried to brave it out by being uncaring!!! Well it didn't work because now it feels bad. I blogged this earlier morning saying I knew I was drasticizing and heading straight into an emotional flashback and sure enough. I must be there right? It's not fair to be an adult and feel like I have no control or power. I just want to leave and let them deal with the loss of the one person.. THE ONLY PERSON that would never intentionally do harm. If the tables were turned and I was the parent or the older sister, no way in H E double hockey sticks would I do this.

My trauma... as much as it frustrates me to say.. my trauma has made me caring to them. And nice. And attentive. Learning and unlearning it has made me feel uncaring, distant. But I just can't live here and try to unlearn it all to relearn it healthily. If I stick around, I won't be healthy. There will ultimately be no change. I'm tearing up... that's the reality.

I'll be stuck in a loop of living with tolerable people, then suddenly living with people who trigger constant EFs, then living with tolerable people.

I feel like I'm being pushed to the edge.. it feels like an impulse, but I desperately want to tell my friends I'm ready to move in.

Why wait till I get off work to see if dad was really mad at me? Why wait to have a brand new fresh tangible reason to leave them? Why keep saying "I just need one more reason!! One more! Then I'll go!"?

It doesn't matter if my dad's presently angry with me. He's hurt me so much all my life. The stoicism didn't work. The tough love didn't work. The consistent absence of affection and comfort and validation didn't work. The contempt I received all the times I cried didn't work. The contempt I received for being aghast when I came home from school when I was 12 and found he and my mom had read my journals didn't work. The threat of sending me away because I wrote "bad things" didn't work.

It doesn't matter if I went home and found a new reason to be angry. Almost an entire year (December 1st) has gone by since I rejected my friends' first offer to house me. And since then, I've felt completely worse. This is probably the worst I've felt since I started adulthood. I had the choice to prevent that and I blew it off because all the guilt. I don't need another reason to be angry to validate wanting to move because I HAVE SO MANY!!! That I collected in just the last year.. ALONE!!

I shouldn't be here at all.