Help! My spouse is sabotaging my healing!

[Sisue]

I am new here and looked through many threads (here and on OOTF) as well as a multitude of other websites and videos, but didn't find anything on what to do when your spouse seems to be sabotaging your recovery.  Surely, there are others with this issue!  Please tell me I'm not alone!!!

Any threads you can direct me to?  Resources?

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, Sisue! Glad to have you.

The only thing that I could think of us that maybe you're spouse is a narcissist? Here's a link to a youtube - https://youtu.be/-WVLZXLyO-M. Richard Gannon is popular around here, that one's kinda long-is but he has shorter ones. And his own youtube channel. 

Thanks for joining!

[Sisue]

I'm gonna take the intro of Richard Grannon's video and pose a question.  He says the first clue that you may be with a narcissist is that you have turned into a detective.  I agree.

I was married to a narcissist for many years.  For all but the first year, I sensed something was off but any attempt to identify it was promptly put in my arena of fault.  So the turmoil began... Another bucket of stories for other times...  But I got out and moved on.  Or thought I did.  I say that because now I am in the midst of turmoil again and am wondering if I dove into the same type of situation.

Currently I am married and have been in the relationship for 5 years.  In a very loose sense, my current SO is outwardly very different from my ex.  The intent and presentation of actions is very different.  However, I have regressed in my own outward actions of how I am living.  I don't know if that is because of the current trauma of the relationship or if it is because I have missed steps in my original trauma healing.

My SO is supportive of me doing whatever I need to heal, but (yep! there is a but!) he is deeply offended by some of the actions I have to take to do that healing.  I understand that it can be bewildering and upsetting for him, so I am conscientiously trying not to jump to conclusions about his reactions.

I feel like my past has turned me into a hypersensitive super sleuth and I worry about over-reacting, to the degree of unhealthiness.  With that in mind, my question is:
How do I know if his actions/reactions are normal for a SO of someone with CPTSD or if he truly is undermining my recovery?

[Three Roses]

I guess the short answer is, no one ever really knows what another's' motivation is. But we can read the outcome of their actions, and our feelings about them. If the outcome of his actions leaves you with more clean-up, more emotional turmoil, more self-defensiveness; if you feel pain rather than comfort after his actions; then he is undermining your healing, whether purposely or not.

Here's a link you may find useful -
http://www.aphroditewounded.org/secwou.html. The subject is "secondary wounding".

[Sisue]

we can read the outcome of their actions, and our feelings about them

A painful truth.     I either... repeated the same thing or was not well equipped for another marriage. 
I have a multitude of past traumas that encompass every aspect of my being.  I am beginning to wonder if I will ever slog through the mess.  One step forward, two steps back...

I read the article on secondary wounding.  It really hit a nerve as I endured Intimate Partner Sexual Violence with my ex for many, many years.

[Three Roses]

  sorry you had to go thru that. Such a feeling of betrayal, when the person we trust the most does that kind of damage and no one understands.

Just when I think I've become aware and won't repeat patterns, blammo! At least you're in good company

[Dee]

I did have the same issue.  The first thing to come out, and what got me into therapy, was anorexia.  My now ex-husband told me he supported me, but the doctors have it all wrong.  All I really need to do is tone.  There came a point when I realized if I stayed with him I would never get better.  My first real act of healing was getting divorced.  Because I didn't know any better I was attracted to an abusive person, I didn't recognize emotional abuse, to me that wasn't abuse.  Now I know better.  I just wish I didn't stay for 20 years.

Now I have been working hard and made changes.  I have recently found that not everyone will support these changes.  My sister got upset when I asserted myself instead of being my usual passive self.  It benefited her for me to be passive and not stand up for myself.  Right now I don't feel like I can talk to her.  It is what I need to do to get better.  It seems hard to lose relationships, but I remind myself they were not working.  I was never, ever happy.

[sanmagic7]

i've repeated unhealthy relationships ad nauseum with both men and women.  it hasn't been until i got far enough into recovery, got enough information, and was finally able to 'see' things more clearly that i began to untangle myself from the webs of distress and discomfort.  each move made someone unhappy, outright angry, or attempting to sabotage my attempts at change.  in my case this included a therapist, a 20-year marriage, a 50-yr. friendship, and a daughter.  they all tried to get me to stay, used excuses and manipulations, and basically undermined my progress as best they could.  they made me miserable, rather than feeling uplifted and good about myself. 

the relationships i have now are positive, helpful, and encourage me to be good to me.  what a difference!

[Sisue]

Came back to re-read these posts because I am having a tough moment.   

I am rapidly losing hope of salvaging this relationship.  I am sure I would heal at a much quicker rate if I didn't have the burden of this heavy relationship.  But I just can't gather the strength to do all the things it's going to take to leave and find solace for myself.

I'm unemployed which opens another can of codependency, financial limitation issues. 

I am struggling with basic daily necessities; showering, cooking, chauffeuring the kids, etc.  Even those things I have to minimize as much as possible because I have to ration my energy.  I can rally for a couple of days but then I am so emotionally exhausted I collapse for many days.  The mountain of HUGE things I would have to do leave is realistically impossible right now! 

I feel soooo trapped!

[Dee]

I get the daunting task of getting out of a relationship.  My ex was extremely controlling.  I had no idea of how much money we had, what bank accounts, what bills.  I hate to admit it, but I didn't even know how much money I actually made.  My earnings statement was electronic and I didn't have the password.  I didn't know how much money was coming out in taxes or what non-taxed benefits I had.  The super daunting task of trying to figure out anything kept me stuck for a long time.  It wasn't until I got on antidepressants that I was able to make the leap.  Even then it took me six months after they started working.  I honestly don't feel I could of rallied without antidepressants.

The first thing I did was get him to leave.  In the past when I asked he simply refused to go and I wasn't about to leave my kids.  I guess after years of asking he finally decided to go, but I lied to him and told him it was temporary.  I just needed to have a little autonomy for a short time.  He even found a furnished apartment with a month to month lease because he was so sure it wasn't over.  Then I had him explain all the bills and passwords (a condition of his return).  I told him I need to feel more in control if he was to come back soon.  Once he did this, several times, and I wrote it all down I found a lawyer and filed for divorce.  I could not have gotten the energy to have navigated the process alone.  All I could emotionally do was get a lawyer, be honest, and let her do it all.  I had to let her think for me because I could not have done it.

Still, I have things I can't figure out.  I cannot download an app on my phone because I don't know the password or the account it is tied to.  I don't know the internet code, nor the password to the smart TV.  I also pay my TV and internet bill, but I can't check the balance on line or change the plan.  I did get the money separated and that is enough for now.  I would really like to be able to listen to iTunes or get an app, but I need to work on that when I feel like it isn't so daunting.

[sanmagic7]

sounds like you put a great plan into action, dee.  whatever it takes!  the rest will come - just keep putting one foot in front of the other.