Brutally honest feeling offload - Triggers

[Sienna]

Was applying for PIP- already was on DLA (visual impairment, and wrote about Cptsd - which i came to learn i have)
They rejected it. Got a letter.
Couldn't speak honestly about my *struggles* in the assessment. Froze. New this would happen.
Said on letter i said different in the assessment.
They judged based on my *apperance*-saying i was not anxious at all in assessment.
They told me i could do all the things i said i find hard.
Huge huge trigger. Just like my mother. Which is why i cant talk about my visual impairment. So much shame and embarrassment and guilt.
Being disbelieved. Doubting myself.
Flashbacks- the world wants me to do it all myself. I don't deserve help, even though other people in my position have the money.
I tried to do interviews and i couldnt get a handle on it. Preparing was hard. Inner critic- self doubt. Felt horrible about myself. I have nothing to offer. Too triggering and i was so upset. I froze in interview. Felt like such a fool. Took a lot out of me, that i decided it wasn't worth it- not for now.

Had T session. Said that i see the assessors as being like my mother.- they just *became my mum in my head*
She said i say, *it must be all in my head* an awful lot.
I cant ask my dad for money.
I hope it sorts out and that they havent also canceled the ESA
Will have to appeal and I'm terrified. Im so ashamed, scared ill freak out or freeze, and i cant advocate for myself.
All the fears i have- i think i manifested.
Im sick and tired of the *challanges and life lessons* that this stuff- a repeat of my past- is trying to bring to me. and i don't know how to stop manifesting bad things. Im stuck. and I'm scared.

Felt worse after session.  Couldn't focus to write notes. Went home.
Cried buckets. All the fear came back as we talked about it in session.
Didn't have money for fags. I realise i have a lot of things i use to cope:
.Cigerates
.Internet
and drink...if things are really bad. And i cant afford any of these things.
I don't rely on others.
Only those things, and they help me to help myself to cope. If my coping mechanisms go, then i have nothing. I realise how much i deal with things on my own. (i know- not healthily and not in the right way)
Internet has gone as has my phone contract.

I sat on my bedroom floor, freaking out and crying, wondering how i would get through the night.
I heard myself say to myself,
*im so scared. Im the only one who can look after myself and i cant do it all myself. Know one can help me. If i cant help myself, i will die*
I must of felt this way as a child. I had to take care of myself and i was made to do things at too young an age. When i can't do something, this anger comes up.
I think that this is where the fear that i might die comes from- that the universe will cave in on me and i will die. That everything will go wrong. - the panic - thats what the panic is.

I cried for ages.
And i cried about the fact that T said that i say its all in my head a lot of the time.
I freaked out- thinking that my head must have been well and thoroughly screwed over (narc mother and X and enabler dad) if she is right. It seemed to resonate.
ended up downing a bottle of wine - managed to scrape four quid from my bag. I know it wont help, but i don't know how to cope.

Very hyper vigilant. Guy in subway on way back from shop and i thought he was after me. I tried walking fast but he caught up. I stood still, ready to take his attack, as i realised running wouldnt do anything.
he didnt come up to me but stared at me as i stood waiting for him to ..attack. Feel like I'm going crazy.

Hope i can still see T. She was so kind and offered lower fees.
Im scared my life here and everything ive tried to build, everything i wanted, is fading away. Im so scared.
Im scared to go back to dads and to live where i lived as a child.
I just hope money will come back in.
Scared ill have to leave refuge for i owe them a lot of money.
Scared my worst fears will come true - and with the flashbacks, i don't know how to help myself and I'm scared that i cant. I'm scared ill ruin the appeal.
I wanted so bad to be able to do this on my own- and ive been trying so hard. Im panicky, I'm scared all the time, I'm frustrated,and I'm exhausted.
I just want this nightmare to be over and I'm gutted that my life has become this. Pure survival.
If this is to show me - that no, see, you *cant* do it all on your own...then ok, ive learned my lesson.
I was proud as i was doing it- after i believed i woudlnt be able to- when T pointed out i have done stuff alone all my life.

lots of different flashbacks have come up, and i have them every day.
Im trying to walk instead of get the bus to save money...but crossing roads is wearing and i cant always do it.
Tried a few times to go the way others were trying to explain to avoid the big roads, but i still can't find it. Just end up walking down every possible avenue to try to find where they mean, and i can't find it. Feel so defeated and angry and frustrated. Feel like crying in the street. Don't see why i should have to give up- but trying hasnt got me anywhere thus far.
Don't feel i have any control.
There are positives in my life. When the flashbacks come, and this worry - it feels overwhelming and all consuming.

feel like I'm going to break. cant afford medication to help me at this time...though i wont want that when I'm I'm a better state.
T says imagine the panic is floating away- and we will deal with where the panic comes from another time.
I tried but its not working. it just overwhelms me. wish i could block all this out. feel like i need to hide from the storm that feels like its swirling around me. i feel like I'm holding on for dear life, and at times, i feel like I'm dying, and that my mind is going to break into a thousand pieces and that i will loose the plot completely.
Last night i couldn't help thinking about giving up. World, do what you want with me. Others- go ahead. Im tired of fighting, and i cant fight for myself.

So lucky to not be back at dads. but I'm tired and life feels like such a struggle all of the time and I'm fed up of simply just trying to survive. Life doesnt feel worth living when its so difficult.

I know I'm not dying so i feel guilty for my feelings and for the good things that i do have.
just needed to vent that. hard to explain how i feel, Im tired and my body is suffering. Sometimes life just feels unbearable.

[radical]

 
I'm so sorry Sienna. I find it very hard to advocate for myself and i also know what it feels like to feel alone, that I have to do everything for myself, that I will die if I can't, and that I'm not up to the task. So afraid.  Nobody is able to do everything for and by themselves, in reality no-one does.  I felt like this as a child too.  No child should be left to feel this way.

Things have been so tough.  I know it's no consolation now, but you are very strong to have endured.  Please hold on, we are here for you

[Sienna]

Thank you Three Roses,
Oh, I'm so sorry you have the same struggles and that you felt that way too in your childhood.

I felt like this as a child too.  No child should be left to feel this way.

I agree Three Roses. Im so sad that you experienced that too. Im realising lately that we all rely on other people for everything.
For money- no matter how its earned, nothing is certain.
Thank you for sharing to help me to feel less alone.
Thank you for being here. Here for you too Three Roses. Im sure you are a very strong person too. All the hugs in the world, 

[radical]

Hey Sienna,
Not 3Roses, but I'm glad you felt less alone and that you are continuing to feel better.
radical

[Sienna]

Thanks Radical.

[radical]

It always was

[Sienna]

What always was radical? Are you ok? 

[radical]

I should have been clearer, Sienna.
I meant it was me, not Three Roses who responded to your original post.
I'm okay, but something similar that happened later on this board, made me realise that I needed to clarify for my own reasons, but I did it badly, Apologies.
I need to start a separate thread about my feelings which aren't related to the painful matters you were writing about.  I hope you are feeling less pain about what happened now

[Sienna]

Oh no! radical- i see what i have done now! I'm so sorry i called you Three Roses!
Don't know why i did! i was not in a good place and couldnt focus properly when i wrote this post i was so frantic.
Sorry!
No no, its ok, its totally my fault!

Im guessing its the forum. i do hope ive not upset anyone.

I need to start a separate thread about my feelings which aren't related to the painful matters you were writing about. 

Ok, radical. I hope you can.

I hope you are feeling less pain about what happened now

Thank you. Been super panicky for the rest of the week / wk end...then my attention was diverted elsewhere. Some money will come in but not from the other- in which the appeal still has to go forward. Thank you, and i hope you are ok too...

[radical]

Sienna,
I didn't blame you, there was no blame to be had. It was a perfectly normal error.
I'll explain why I felt the need to come back to it in a separate post.  I usually don't which may be why when i did so, I did it so badly.  I'm learning how to be different, but this absolutely wasn't about you at all.

I really feel for you with what you were writing about.  I'm so glad you have an alternative way of getting some money, when you need it so badly.  I wish you could have had someone to advocate on your behalf at the time.  it's so hard to be in that kind of situation and to try and advocate on our own behalves.  I've been there many times, and felt powerless and paralysed.

[Sienna]

Hey radical,
I know you were not blaming me- thanks for clarifying that though.
I guess, i just didnt want you to feel invisible- (by calling you Three Roses) though of course i would understand and respect it if you did...

I'll explain why I felt the need to come back to it in a separate post.  I usually don't which may be why when i did so, I did it so badly.  I'm learning how to be different, but this absolutely wasn't about you at all.

Would you mind explaining what you mean here? Come back to my post..or the DU thing?

I really feel for you with what you were writing about.  I'm so glad you have an alternative way of getting some money, when you need it so badly.

Aw, thank you radical. I am relieved too abut the other benefit not being cancled- though it is less money i think than before..but i don't think i can go through challenging their decision.
The other benefit that was stopped- i will have to appeal.

I wish you could have had someone to advocate on your behalf at the time.  it's so hard to be in that kind of situation and to try and advocate on our own behalves.  I've been there many times, and felt powerless and paralysed.

Thats awful radical- and I'm so sorry. I understand completely  Did you manage to advocate by the way?

[radical]

Hi Sienna,
In the past when I tried to advocate on my own behalf the result was never good.  Just recently I've started getting better at it because I've started to feel a more healthy sense of worth.  I'm good at advocating for others, ironically.  If you appeal, could you write out the main points in advance, or take an advocate along who understands your situation?

When I said I'll write a separate post, I meant about my own issue, which really wasn't about you.  I once did a ceramics course in which the teacher got my name wrong.  Simple mistake, but as a result of not correcting her, I spent a year with the whole class calling by the wrong name.  I really didn't feel I minded at all, but I see it is dysfunctional behaviour symptomatic of something important that i need to change.

I'm sorry for the threadjack.  The thing you wrote about is awful and I'll be cheering you on in your efforts to get justice for yourself

[Sienna]

Hi radical,

In the past when I tried to advocate on my own behalf the result was never good.

Oooh. Im sorry.

Oh yes, advocating for others, yes. Easier.
Im so glad to hear that you are feeling..more worth advocating for yourself.
My T said about going to the doctor, (and them dismissing your problems) that its about knowing that you are worth it.

If you appeal, could you write out the main points in advance, or take an advocate along who understands your situation?

Thank you for your suggestions (:
T suggested taking someone along with me.
I need someone to remind me of what to say as i go blank.
Im hoping i wont need to go to a tribunal in which ill have to sit in front of about three people and talk about stuff.
last assessment i had, i froze and couldn't even say to the woman *can i just get my notes out of my bag to read from?*
I will have to see what happens.
How are you meant to talk about Cptsd when you are trapped in a trigger / flashback by being in the assessment itself, and having to talk about triggering things- things that the Cptsd means you can't talk about?
Nuts.

When I said I'll write a separate post, I meant about my own issue, which really wasn't about you. I once did a ceramics course in which the teacher got my name wrong.  Simple mistake, but as a result of not correcting her, I spent a year with the whole class calling by the wrong name.  I really didn't feel I minded at all, but I see it is dysfunctional behaviour symptomatic of something important that i need to change.

Oh im glad it wasnt about me. thought id upset people on the forum.
Omg. I have heard that happen before about people calling your the wrong name but on comedy shows.
That is awful! I don't think not telling her is what most people would do, had they to had trauma in their background. It demonstrates your .. issues around boundaries, and advocating for yourself. Thank you for sharing this. 

You don't have to tell me, but I'm just wondering, has this thread brought some things up for you?

I didnt feel you *threadjacked* at all. Im really glad your here.

The thing you wrote about is awful and I'll be cheering you on in your efforts to get justice for yourself

Thank you! 

[Mindfield]

Hello,

I'm new on here and I don't know you so I hope you see this comment with only the good intentions I bestow to you.

I understand the fear, I have had to work my way though the benefit system myself for the same things, the stress of it all is something else that if you have not been through it, you could never truly understand. 

But.... have you considered returning to work or education?  Before you panic.. I get and empathise with the fear.  It will not be easy by any stretch of the imagination but the benefit to you could be life changing. 

I returned to education, whilst it has been emotionally and physically exhausting and I still have to battle with the life of someone with c-Ptsd, it has given me new confidence, pride, hope, an income which reduced stress and something else to focus my energy on.  I went into nursing which gives a bursery and the school is extremely supportive with the mental health problems and physical disabilities I have.  It means I am now trying to heal myself by helping to heal others, my struggles have given me insights that other professionals just don't have.

Loosing your benefits does not have mean you loose everything.  It could be a new door opened.  Plus if you are unsuccessful in either the department of works and pensions will need to reassess your case with fresh evidence of your struggles.

I do not expect you to reply, but please just think about what I have said and dream of possibilities rather than nightmares of what if's.

Warm regards X

[Sienna]

Hello Mindfield

Thanks for your post and for sharing your experiences.
I don't know if you know this, but i don't like feeling the fear and panic i have been feeling. If positive thinking would have stopped this worl wind that i have been in...the mental tapes of what could happen, i would have just thought positively.
Fear is attached to thinking positively for me.
oh yes..so what i was going to say...is that when you are stuck in a fear / panic flashback in which catastrophizing just happens its really difficult to just think positively.


I have considered returning to work and education. I would love to work. I do volunteer work at the moment.
I tried to go back to college but i just couldnt do it. I couldn't focus to work, and i tried to make myself go into the building but the panic and anxiety i felt around being back at college / school environment was just too much and never made it.
Going back to that sort of environment was way too triggering as i was ... bullied for want of a better word, whilst at school, and due to having extra help in the classroom, school was a traumatic time in itself.

I tried thousands of times to push myself and eventually i gave up trying because i just couldnt do it.
Then i decided to just do the job thing, in the area I'm interested in working in.
I had flashbacks whilst applying on paper, writing about myself etc...and in the interview i froze and forgot everything i had thought of to say.
The anxiety was too huge and i felt really awful about myself.

It was so stressful that i decided it just wasnt worth it at the moment.
Im doing an online course that you can do in your own time at the moment to keep progressing, and volunteer work which is pretty flexible which is good due to the fatigue i have which means getting there in time in the morning and getting a good nights sleep is not something i can do and my fear of going to the doctor is not helping me to get it sorted.
If i could change these things i really would. One of my fears is not progressing in life, not being..happy.

I have always been so ashamed of struggling like this...and of not having a job, and my mother is ashamed so thats where i get it from. She doesnt know why I'm still not working though.

The benefit that I'm appealing is the one you are legally entitled to for life if you have a disability of any sort...not the one for if your not working...

my T knows about college and interview struggles...

I returned to education, whilst it has been emotionally and physically exhausting and I still have to battle with the life of someone with c-Ptsd, it has given me new confidence, pride, hope, an income which reduced stress and something else to focus my energy on.  I went into nursing which gives a bursery and the school is extremely supportive with the mental health problems and physical disabilities I have.  It means I am now trying to heal myself by helping to heal others, my struggles have given me insights that other professionals just don't have.

This is so great, and I'm so glad they are so supportive!

Loosing your benefits does not have mean you loose everything.  It could be a new door opened.  Plus if you are unsuccessful in either the department of works and pensions will need to reassess your case with fresh evidence of your struggles.

Im not sure...im in a refuge for women who have been trough domestic violence and it has been super stressful. I think that i could go to interviews, in a state, and mess them up...i couldnt even do this ...assessment...
but it will take longer and more stress to do interview after interview...and it takes a while to get a job...and i didnt have money or my interview clothes with me which i now do...
i don't see the point as I'm already too exhausted.
The only other door that i think would open is me going back to live at my dads...which i don't want and i want to keep seeing my therapist. My worry was that i wouldnt be able to afford seeing her.
It was unsuccessful with Pip .. but i was on it before ... everyone should be legally if they have a disability...but they took mine away after i was advised i should be getting more than they have given me, which doesnt make sense as they put me on it before- and this is the one for life.

I need a place to live prompto which is why i didnt go down the job route...you can only stay at the refuge for so long.
and i would need to make sure the job payed enough for me to be able to afford somewhere to live.