Suddenly hopeless, unsure

[tea-the-artist]

(possibly triggering? nothing graphic, feeling intrusive/bad thoughts about self)

I feel so all over the place today. I was doing fine until reading about the fawn-freeze type and a suggestion came up to do a 30 minute talk/listen session with someone you trust and I just...

I feel so angry... or sad. or both I donno. I'm so mad I don't know if I'm recovering or if any attempt even counts if I'm still living in an abusive house. I'm upset I only "opened the can of worms in 2013 when I attended I think "family therapy" sessions by myself while I was away at my first college. I couldn't continue more than 3 months because I couldn't return due to finances. Since then.. I've just been doing all this alone. As usual. I'm in tears I feel like I just keep trying to pretend to be all fresh and new and ready to take on recovery or ready to confront The Past and all the gross worms, or that I'm ready to adopt a new (probably maladaptive) coping strategy.

I have such good friends and I love them all so much but suddenly, and always every other week now, I feel no energy to be around them. Suddenly, during the Pretend Recovery Process when I see I'm suggested to "find a friend I trust," I feel so scared. Suddenly I don't trust any of them. Don't trust them to stick around or to even respond if I reach out. They're all so far away, how ..why would I drag them away from their newly started careers to come help me? Everyone's always got to be busy with something or taking time to care for themselves but... it feels selfish but what about me? after at least 15 years of abuse and 8 years of childhood i vaguely remember, do I not deserve to some sort of kindness?

i know it's supposed to be hard but... I think about the EFs I have  whenever this comes up. I don't even know how I can soothe an inner child if I feel like the same child I was all those years. Like I would be lying if I said "I'm here for you now" because I can't even believe my own friends when they say that. or say that they love me. validation is just so hard to comprehend...

Just earlier I learned I'm definitely the fawn type, possible fawn-freeze type hybrid, and that an important skill to learn would be assertiveness but.. even now I can't even shake the guilt of having these feelings in the first place or that maybe i'm just faking all of this. it's so exhausting. I feel like a yo-yo. One day I'm raring to go make the best of the day, a week later I'm feeling empty and floaty and daydreaming, the next day I'm feeling strong enough to look back on the can of worms. two days later, I'm feeling like this.

I don't even know what to ask for. I don't know if  even trust myself to even listen and feel any positive energy anyone would have to offer and not reject it because it feels unwarranted and untrue for myself.

edit/ would any of this, any attempts to recovery even work if i'm still stuck living with my FOO? i feel in my situation i'm trapped, but that's not the intense feeling i'm having.

[Three Roses]

In my opinion, it's possible to at least begin to recover while living with your FOO. Sometimes we need at least a little recovery to have the strength to move on.

I'd like to suggest to you, when trying to "talk" to your IC; don't try to sugar-coat anything. Don't give her promises or excuses. Just, "I'm more aware now. I know you're there. We'll work this out together."

[tea-the-artist]

Three Roses thanks for the tip that sounds like a better approach

[Joeybird]

Living with your FOO may be difficult, but remember to put your mental health first and refuse to engage -- just leave the room if things become uncomfortable. Know that everything is temporary, and you will get past this.

[Sandstone]

I posted on my journal earlier about how alone i felt, i had a cry and now i see you and others going through similar things. Perhaps im not so alone after all 
I dont want to make any promises to my IC in case i let her down so Three Roses suggestion is a good one.
One day at a time is all i can advise. This journey is definitely one step forward two steps back. At least thats what iv found for me.  Freeze/Fawn type here too.

Yes you do deserve kindness and i think sometimes we forget to be kind to ourselves first. You are not alone. 

[tea-the-artist]

Joeybird, I appreciate the advice. unfortunately, in my house that comes off as disrespectful and as someone trapped, it's rather hard to just walk away. but I get what you're saying, thanks!

Sandstone, I'm really glad you're coming to seeing that you're not alone! you truly arent, and I know it gets hard to believe, but in my heart I know that you aren't alone I definitely feel that way too, not wanting to let my IC down either. I want to be able to say to her "Hey I'm going to do my best for you because you deserve that!" but that will def take some time

thanks so much for listening (all of you) and yeah it's tricky to remember what we deserve but in due time

[Riverstar]

A few things.

I don't think "what you deserve" is even a relevant issue - that sound like your abuser talking. What does anyone deserve? What's that even mean? Who has the authority to decide? (and if you were about to answer your abuser, then think about that). The important thing is to recognize a problem and take actions to change it, and if you're still trapped with your abuser and don't think you can leave, then at its most fundamental level, that means having compassion for yourself. And having compassion for yourself step 1 is believing your own feelings. If you believe the lies told to you, that this isn't abuse, that you're overreacting, that it's your fault etc, then it doesn't matter what your friends say - you won't listen.

If you're still living with your abuser (I'm interpreting "FOO" as abuser but I don't know what that stands for) and you aren't in physical danger or you have the ability to leave, then I wouldn't be afraid of increasing the conflict between you. Avoiding conflict in that situation generally only harms you, but if you think that's really dangerous or you're under 18 etc then of course you need to prioritize surviving over thriving, and keep the confrontations for later. Something else that can help though is spending more time with other people who aren't linked to your abuser, like if it's your parents then someone outside of your family. I find the more time you spend with other (sane) people the more you realize and remember that your abuser's the crazy one and not you. You are NOT making this up (I mean really, who does that?) and should not feel guilty about being upset about it.

Something I find really helpful for learning assertiveness and remembering not to doubt yourself is to think about someone else being in your situation. Either a) imagine your own kid someday being in your situation, and how you'd deal with it and what you'd say (and consequently, realize how badly your parent actually is), or b) imagine a child or someone your age telling you that they're going through what you're going through. What would you say to them? Would you be angry at their abuser? I'm sure you wouldn't tell that abused kid that they're probably making it all up. This can be a helpful starting point or exercise. (You can do this in writing too.)

This summer I wrote confrontation letters to my parents telling them that they were abusive. I didn't and don't expect much change, but for the first time in my life I spoke my truth and the truth of my childhood to them after so much pressure to stay silent, and that was important as an act of self-respect. (If it's relevant, the book Toxic Parents by Susan Forward is absolutely amazing.) Right before I sent the emails I panicked and was like 'what am I doing? this won't help anyway! it was all in the past anyway...' etc, but then I imagined my eight year old self in front of me and what she went through and I thought - if this was someone else, some other abused kid, I would be so angry and so ready to tell off their parents so that I could help them and protect them and stand up to their parents in a way that they couldn't since they're a kid. So how could I not do it to my own, just because it's myself? How could I do that to myself, short-change myself, treat myself in that way?

...so hopefully something there is helpful. It's quite different if you live with your abuser. I for one would rather be homeless then ever go back, because escaping that prison was the highlight of my life. And to live with crazy people either requires you to go a bit crazy, or to repress your emotions or explode, and I am now cheerfully cultivating sanity.

[tea-the-artist]

Riverstar, I'm feeling different today (not better just different?) than I was when I wrote this, but I guess I feel as though for me, surviving is still really important. I think my need to survive still partly stems from needing my brother to be safe and/or happy/content and perhaps that's a codependent, self-sacrificing habit. But right now, since I still live with my FOO (family of origin, who are abusive or abuse enabler), and have no concrete option to safely move out, surviving is what I have to do.

I definitely need practice in self-compassion though, if anything, the lack of it is likely why self sacrificing comes so naturally to me. The scenario you gave is really helpful to think about! As well as what you said about your confrontation letters. I hope to get to that point some day.

I guess since I still live with them, the thought of homelessness scares me more than makes me feel I could be free, since I don't have that experience (whether free and/or homeless but still no longer living there). I'm sure I'd say the same thing whenever I've moved out and re-established!