New member

[sandfire]

Hi, Im new to the forum so thought I would introduce myself.
Im 53 and have struggled all my life as abuse started for me at 9 months of age. I've been working on it, when I can bear it, for 25 years but still find life a daily struggle. I live alone and in an isolated place and although I realise that is by design I also realise that its not ideal. A few years ago I found myself in a very traumatic situation again and since then my life has been getting smaller and smaller, I avoid everything I possibly can. Im at the point now where I realise I have to do something to try to claw my way back to some sort of life and that is how I've found my way to this forum and I have to say It's good to know im not alone.

[Marja]

Welcome! I'm glad you found us. 

[sandfire]

Thank you for the welcome Marja 

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Sandfire     You're definitely not alone in what you're experiencing unfortunately.  Some us stuff down the trauma and wear a mask pretending things are just fine, others learn how to dissociate easily and well, and others isolate, make our lives as small as we can just as you have, all of which work in some way to help us survive but we don't really live. I didn't know I had CPTSD, I just thought I was broken or crazy so when I found out it gave me hope to look at recovering rather than surviving. I hope it's the same for you and that here you will find the information and support you need.   

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, sandfire! I'll echo what kizzie said, I always just thought I was crazy, so finding this forum has been great! Lots of hope and healing here. Thanks for joining!

[sanmagic7]

hi, and glad you made it here.  this forum has helped me so much, the people have shown not only support but kindness and caring.  hopefully, you will also find it a positive experience in encouraging you to grow and ultimately blossom. 

[sandfire]

Thank you all for the welcome. Yes Kizzie my life has been a combination of doing all of those things, I used to appear to manage everything well but it was definitely only on the outside. I trip into dissociation in a heartbeat and lately life is all about avoiding. I did think I was defective in some way, comparing myself to others and wondering why I cant cope with any kind of stress. Ive seen counsellors on and off for years but recently met a really brilliant one who is helping me to move forward (baby steps) finally getting a diagnosis of cptsd recently feels like hope for the first time in years. Im glad to have found my way to this community, it's good to know im not alone

[Kizzie]

Baby steps        It's a bit of a mantra around here   

Glad to hear you have a great T !

[Fen Starshimmer]

Hi Sandfire, Welcome to OOTS!  You are not alone with these feelings here. I am new too, and finding this place a little oasis in the storm of life.
Great that you've found a brilliant T and now have confirmation of CPTSD, validation, and help towards recovery... This happened to me earlier this year, and it makes such a difference.

[stann]

Hi Sandfire

I feel ya! I also live in a very isolated place and my life has become very small...the one thing I force myself to do most days is go to work, but that is a huge source of triggers. I come home very exhausted every day which makes it hard to have a "real life". I used to be so active! And now I'm afraid I'll never get back to that real self. Mostly I am self-educating about CPTSD, trying to learn as much as I can so I feel armed with clinical knowledge rather than how awful it "feels" every day. My mantra is "it's not my fault" and I'm trying to embrace myself and practice self care. Hopefully we will learn more from our new friends on OOTS.

Take care
Stann

[sandfire]

Hi Stann, Thanks for your message and for sharing. Unfortunately I dont even manage to work anymore, my last 2 jobs were so stressful I got to the point where I just couldnt cope and eventually I was so filled with anxiety that I couldnt concentrate and ended up injuring myself which was the final straw. That was 3 years ago and since then my life is almost entirely inside my house, I really only go out to medical appointments and to get food shopping then I scurry back here as fast as I can. Its a lonely and disconnected life im living, Im feeling it more and more and want it to change. I relate to your comment about trying to practise self care too, that is quite new to me and I struggle with it but lately Ive had some good days. I really hope that through connecting with others who can totally get where you're coming from helps you to move beyond and start to build more quality in life.
with love x