Something ive never talked about before- rapid weight loss and fear. TRIGGERS

[Sienna]

The guy at the counter today in cafe, said to me, *youve lost a lot of weight. You can see it in your face..you look really skinny. Have you been ill?*...
and i said taken aback...no, I'm just going through a really stressful time at the moment...
and he said, *oh, well, you still look good anyway...*
For some reason, i feel really sad about it.

Maybe it does look like I'm ill. Im super stressed and stopped eating even a normal amount of food that a person needs, when i came to the refuge.
i only eat when I'm really hungry...and i wished i could get back to just not feeling I need food at all...and unfortunately....thats the way it is right now...due to more stress that has come up.
Im not well inside. Cant afford to get bus to doctors. And I'm not *well* emotionally.

In the past..
My dads girlfriend, said (when i first started to put on a little bit of weight), that i looked healthier, she said that before, it did look like i needed a good meal).
I was living back at my dads again after X broke up with me...
and i would eat a lot when he was out of the house.
I wanted to look like this other girl i knew, so i ate to alter my body. I was happy * the little bit of weight that apparently make me look healthier,
but the weight gain continued.

My (narc) mother, when i visited her, commented on the fact that i was putting on weight when i saw her. I felt her remark hurt me very much.

I was always a size 12, and was hungry a lot as a child...
I ended putting on weight when i moved in with (my now narc X)...
and i comfort ate a lot.
I over indulged - maybe due to this lack of feeling full in my childhood.
My mother always comfort ate, but wanted us to be healthy, because she was fed a lot as a child.
Then, like my mother, I ate too much.
I know its attachment patterns - that didnt happen with parents.
We attach to food, alcohol, activity, cigerates...etc etc.

When the smoking started i didnt eat as much-smoking replaced food but since the refuge, i eat hardly anything for long periods.
My T thinks that some things happened in my childhood that i don't remember. She said its definitely possible.

I wonder if the weight gain had anything to do with this.
I ended up stuffing myself full of food after sex one time with my X, in which i felt really used and just dumped after he had finished. (i know narcs can do this)

May be just due to everything thats happening right now in my life, but I'm starting to feel like my younger self..through the way I'm slimmer now...
and i do think that part of me, whilst hating my mothers comment and hate being like her with the weight...
wants to rebel against her saying what she said..(even though she might want me to gain weight as she likes i think to see my downfall)..wants to keep the weight to let her know that her comment never got to me,
and maybe i feel closer to my mother, as i look more like her when i have extra weight.
I feel like, with the extra weight, my body felt more..motherly, but now, its like I'm just a child who has nothing of my mother in me, (even though i have dissociative parts inside and i have most of the same defences as my mother to survive).

I don't know how i feel about my body being different.
Part of me is glad, and part of me is not.
Im afraid that all the bad things that happened to me back then...(not only sexually)...will happen again...and that i will look younger than i am..the weight gain was another chapter of my life, when i started to change (recovery, waking up)...
maybe the weight was a protection...though i was still *victimised* sexually when i was bigger ...perhaps i felt it was a protection from my X (sexually).
But there is a part of me who thinks that .. men came after me trying it on when i was slimmer...i guess i don't want any of the bad things to happen again...

Things were not stable in the past- i didnt have stable home when i was slimmer. And now thats the case again. My x was bad...but he was the only constant i had...(though he dumped me over and over)..

I think i must of hated my body. i never fully accepted it though i believed that i did.
Now i don't like what i see in the mirror when i am not clothed.

Part of me wants to be taken care of. For everything to be ok.
Maybe i manifested this.  I thought that if people thought i was ill, they might help me. But i know this is not true.
I realised today , that i have lost the weight too fast and too drastically.
I don't want to get back to being as slim as i used to be- when i needed to eat more to look healthy.
When your ready to hear the story of what happened to you...(and ditching the coping mechanisms through grieving)..the weight will just be lost naturally.
is it because part of me is hearing some of the story of what happened?

[Blossoming]

Sienna, I am very new to learning about c-PTSD so please take what I say as a concerned newbie opinion. If you can manage to get in regular meals I think it can only help. Not eating enough takes a toll on the body both mentally and physically. It really doesn't matter what you look like or what people might think or say about about your size. What matters is that you are providing yourself with enough nourishment to function and heal. I think it's especially important to be mindful of this during periods of intense stress when our appetite disappears. No one should have to go hungry and that includes you. Since food is one of the primary basic needs for life I think focusing on getting enough when you know you are not is a wise thing to do. Sometimes people end up with a larger appetite after going through a phase of not eating adequately and that is a perfectly normal response to correcting an energy (food) deficit. Please be kind, loving and gentle with yourself and give your yourself the food you need during this challenging time.

[Sienna]

Blossom, thanks.

I know logically that you are right. Its just when I'm panicy etc. i can't eat.
and I'm scared to eat. there is a lot of fear..and self punishment and it goes in cycles.
social anxiety stops me eating too.
for some reason when I'm as scared as i am at the moment, food is just the last thing on my mind. if i feel better, i will make an effort to eat. maybe part of it is feeling I'm worth it so thank you for telling me that i am.
Im afraid bad things will happen if i do anything good for myself.
I'm working on this with T.

Thank you - and sorry if it feels I'm throwing what you said back at you- not my intention at all.
im just trying to explain- i don't fully understand it myself...its really complicated but definitely something ive brought up in therapy. Thank you. 

[Blossoming]

I understand and take no offense whatsoever. Just remember the fear is not real when it comes to food. It feels very, very real but food can not hurt you unless it's spoiled or you have an anaphylactic type allergy to it.
I'm only saying this because I have been in that situation numerous times and the last time it got so bad my body started cannibalizing my own organs (heart muscle the worst) and I came close to dying. It's been a long road recovering from that and if I can help someone avoid the same fate then it's worth it to share my story.
If it takes all your strength try to override these feelings of anxiety around eating and the false sense that your not worth it because you are so worth it! Many days, weeks and possibly months (I was cognitively impaired) the only loving thing I was able to manage for myself was make sure I ate enough and it was the hardest thing I'd ever done because it felt so wrong. Eating will keep you alive though and help your mind. The reason it feels so right to not eat is because the chemical changes in the body are similar to an antianxiety drug. Eventually though it will get worse because your stress hormones skyrocket even more.
Ok, I don't want to come across preachy and I respect your choices. I just wanted you to be aware that this situation can become a rapid downward spiral and the longer you go without eating enough the worse it gets. I'm rooting for you to beat this tendency before it harms you.

[Sienna]

Im so glad you didnt take offence.

Its weird. I know that food can not hurt me, and that the fear is not real when it comes to food- thank you for that.
Its not about the food.
There is a fear and a panic that has come up lately...
and i don't have an eating disorder- but disordered eating...if that makes sense- erratic eating.

I have ideas where it comes from. Im scared the universe will hurt me.
Im scared that my life here, (long story) will end.
May have something to do with being re-trumattised year before last. Afraid that someone will come and get me.
Im always waiting for the other shoe to drop. and this thing that happened lately has tightened the anxiety and panic.
The universe aparently- is your parents in your head. The universe is scary and punishing if your parents where.
So if i do anything good for myself, or try to think a bit more positively...or if i don't worry (about this thing comming up)-
things will go bad- my belief is saying to me.
T said things havent gone well so far- and i know I'm manifesting my own bad luck but my sub conscious is something i cant control...
i feel like I'm not in control.
long story.
im trying to be more logical and i know thats bad- but thats all i have.
ive tried sitting with the feelings and they don't go away...i know the aim isn't for them to go away...but to just accept them...and I'm trying to just accept them..but they are still there and they hurt way too much for me to handle.

Thank you for sharing your experience and for trying to help
I guess, that trying to take care of myself properly- makes the fear amp up...and i know that the tera is not about the food and that food cant hurt me, but i cant get away from worrying that the world will calapse on me...
even though i know that logically- my mother - it goes back to what she did...
i cant comeplteley trust in what i logically think i know...the facts of why i feel this way..because I'm not entirely sure of it.
Part of me thinks that if i neglect myself then good things will come.
Whats that about i wonder...

I guess i didnt write because i want to eat...i was just so upset yesterday.

I'm really sorry to hear about your struggles. And I'm so sorry my thoughts are all over the place and in no coherent order whilst writing this.

the only loving thing I was able to manage for myself was make sure I ate enough and it was the hardest thing I'd ever done because it felt so wrong.

Im sorry you struggled so much and you must be really strong to have battled that.
Im in a position in which I have to do everything alone...i have to be adult and get things done..and I'm stressed..due to circumstances...i wish i could just take time off and just have a home of my own in which i could take it easy, de-stress, and try to eat and get back to normal eating.
Its a struggle to get these things done with the flashbacks that are being brought up, and all my energy is spent. Eating feels like the only thing i can manage- basic survival stuff...
but as I'm managing the other stuff and cant take time off...the stress is resulting in me not wanting to eat.

It will get back to normal like it always does though.

The reason it feels so right to not eat is because the chemical changes in the body are similar to an antianxiety drug.

I didnt know that. I knew it elevated cortisol (stress hormone) Im my own worst enemy here i know.

Thank you for routing for me. Im sure it will be ok.
I think I'm just overwhelmed at the moment. Lots of things happening and lots of different feelings and flashbacks, so i feel the need to offload as i have know one and I'm so lucky to have T- though its slow progress.
If know one can change things for me- which is not their responsibility - i have to- do it myself, and I'm not sure i have the will.
this could be because i cant advocate for myself- so I'm rejecting my body via food, and being little and small, as much as i hate it, my mind somewhere things that someone will help me like they may a small child. but i know they wont.

sorry. I'm so confused.
I appreciate your support. Thank you. and i hope you are well.

[theaquarist]

Hi there Sienna,

I'm really happy for you to be making some steps in realizing what is going on with your relationship to your body and feeding it. It has been a part of my trauma/recovery as well. I'm sorry that is a very stressful time and that you have to fight hard for yourself, but you are worth it!!!
I am still struggling with feeding myself and taking care of myself, so I don't have definitive answers.
But I do want to let you know that your feelings about not wanting to eat or that you want to be taken care of, are some things I have gone through for a long time too. I don't want to take away from your experience but just share that I used to try to eat things that were bad for me as a kid, hoping that my mom would end up caring about me or taking care of me. It never happened. It carried into my relationships where I would start getting sick, for no reason and unintentionally, and if my partner didn't care enough, I got sicker without trying. It was so confusing until I figured out the ptsd part of it.
It sounds like you are putting together the clues. Please do try hard to eat everyday, and it's okay to ask for help! Meal replacement shakes have been helping me for the last two weeks but I know the same thing won't work for everyone.
Just want to say again that you are worth the effort and care. Many many hugs

[Sienna]

Woodsgnome, I can't thank you enough. And I'm so sorry you are going through it too.

I'm really happy for you to be making some steps in realizing what is going on with your relationship to your body and feeding it.

Thank you. I never thought of it like that. I want answers to this puzzle that has actually been going on for a long time...and i guess...thats progress in itself...
Thank you for understanding.

Thank you too for telling me that I'm worth fighting for. You are too, and I'm not just saying that. Im so sorry you have been suffering.

But I do want to let you know that your feelings about not wanting to eat or that you want to be taken care of, are some things I have gone through for a long time too.

That does help take some of my shame away about this - thank you.

You havent taken away from my experience. I have heard before about what happened with yours a child. I have thought that self neglect comes from actual neglect by parents.

You have been through so much. Who can blame you for wanting to be taken care of..and if that need was not met, which i wasnt it would carry forth into your other relationships.

Come to think of it, my mother did give me attention when mental health issues happened, but- she also took it away and was emotionally abusive towards me and got impatient...so i do believe as  does my T, that her *niceness and daringness* was fake and for her own gain.

Triggers....

The universe is against you- i am starting to think that self destruction- there are many self destructive behaviours, and perhaps not eating etc. - well thats definitely one.
The universe cant get me if i get there first (really- my mother)
and Ocd as a child- these superstitious beliefs i had and strange behaovurs-
they were an attempt to control things-
right now- I'm experience a lack of controll- it IS at the hands of others and I'm feeling like a child in that i cant help myself or gain control.
back as a child, i guess i blamed myself for bad things happening as it was too scary to admit it was my mother doing these things and that I WAS out of control.
This is how it feels now.
so I'm punishing myself perhaps in order to gain controll- just as i did back then...
Don't know if that sounds familiar to you. Im sorry you had no choice but to go to such desperate lengths to gain the love and attention you needed as a child.
About the shakes..im so glad you are having them. They sound like a good idea to me.
When my money is sorted - i hope it will be rather- i should stock some in case this hits again...as it goes it cycles.

Thank you for reminding me that its ok to ask for help. I don't feel as silly and as ashamed due to your understanding. Couldn't thank you enough. 

[Blossoming]

I'm glad you posted Sienna, I worried I was too blunt or seemed harsh or critical in my response which I wasn't my intention!
I struggled with disordered eating as a coping mechanism for my cPTSD for 30 years so I completely relate to every word you and theaquarist wrote.
What really nudged me into changing my disordered eating habits was reading about the psychological impacts of starvation and semi-starvation. The Minnesota Starvation Experiment is one good example. Eating doesn't solve all of our problems by any stretch otherwise I wouldn't be here but it does give a solid foundation to build upon. When we look at Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs food is among the basic needs at the base of the pyramid and to reach self actualization we must first have our basic needs met. I think all of us are here because we are learning how to rebuild and heal after a lifetime of not getting those needs met. There is no shame in this for any of us and it is not our fault. What is important is that we keep trying whether our current struggle is with food or something else.

[Sienna]

Its ok Blossom. Thanks.
I was worried that I sounded too blunt and un thankful!

Thank you for telling me where i can go for info on about how it effects the mind.
Thats crazy, ive heard about the Hirechy of needs- maslo...i cant even meet my basic needs at the moment. It feels like trying to survive, though funny that - as we do need food to survive..but the body thinks i guess that times are too desperate to stop and have a meal.

I really need to look at what this panic is ... and this need to...neglect myself i guess.
There is no shame. I just felt shame...though i would never shame anyone else or think that they should be shameful about their struggles.

When i wrote this, i just wanted to ..offload. Now I'm glad i did, as i realise through writing and through the responses ive had, that this is a much bigger problem for me that i thought. I really appreciate your support.

[Sienna]

Oh my gosh...
Bird in town flew into a window, and then some railings and fell, hurt, on a wall..trying to get away from me.

A Bird Flies in the Window

When a bird flies into your car or house window and is knocked unconscious, it might die from the impact.
This may be an omen that you believe you are getting somewhere in life, but that you will hit a wall soon. Don't worry, another window of opportunity will open. It can also be a sign that family turmoil is in store for the near future.
Not trying to scare myself..but i am superstitious. Didn't know what to do about his poor bird and i don't have a phone to call for help ...
hopefully that will change soon..Freaky..

[Contessa]

Hi Sienna and all

Its been a while. I have only skimmed through this thread so apologies if this is way off the mark.

Earlier this year I suffered rapid weight loss with a massive trigger. Eating and sleeping weren't necessary as my body seemed to be running on adrenaline during this period.

About a month ago the same thing  happened with no eating with a trigger again. When I was younger I used to feel shame about food if I didn't think I deserved to eat it, and in my young adult years it was a case of no motivation in depressive periods to go and get it. Now its a physical response to the anxiety.

No idea if there is a link to all of those instances, but not physically being able to eat at trigger time is a problem. Force feeding healthy shakes with added supplements (takes a couple of hours to finish) is a good way to keep up with nutrients until this appetite returns, which was mentioned earlier.

I don't know if that is similar to your experience? A physical response to an emotional event?

[Blossoming]

I'm sorry you are struggling to get your basic needs met. I am too. The only two I have managed are food and shelter but if I lose my job, which is a very real possibility, those could go away in a heartbeat.
I think the nutritional shakes are a great idea.
What I've realized from this dialogue is that I probably shouldn't post too much about eating related stuff because it's still too recent for me even though I've been working at it for 3+ years. Honestly I still struggle to eat at times but I just make myself do it and I think I probably will continue to have this challenge for the rest of my life.  This disorder loves to rob me of my appetite even still so you have my empathy and understanding.
My inner critic is very vocal at the moment too. Sorry to write so much about me. I probably felt I could relate to your situation too much and told you what think I would have wanted to hear but that doesn't mean it's the right message for you. Only you know what is right for you so take from my ramblings what resonates in your heart and just leave the rest. Wishing you the best.

[Sienna]

Hi Contessa  its good to see you.

Thank you for sharing your experience and for trying to help me put two and two together.
Im sorry you struggle and that things have been so hard for you. 

Earlier this year I suffered rapid weight loss with a massive trigger.
Eating and sleeping weren't necessary as my body seemed to be running on adrenaline during this period.
About a month ago the same thing  happened with no eating with a trigger again.

Sounds horrible Contessa. Its really hard isn't it?.

I do think that we can go one of both ways-
.either eating a lot for basic survival to conserve energy
.or not eating as we are too busy trying to survive to eat...so the body stops needing food as survival is more important - survival that is SOMETHING ELSE that doesnt involve the basic survival need that is food..
so what is that something else that we are trying to survive that our body thinks is more important than food??

When I was younger I used to feel shame about food if I didn't think I deserved to eat it, and in my young adult years it was a case of no motivation in depressive periods to go and get it.
Now its a physical response to the anxiety.

Interesting. I understand having depressive periods in which you can't be bothered to get food.
And i do think that when feeling panic and anxiety- who wants to eat, its quite normal.
Only an issue if you feel it a lot with the flabhakcas.
I don't think i feel shame about eating...sometimes..and i felt shame about my weight gain but i tried blocking that out as much as i could.
i think that even if I'm not feeling painc and anxiety, i still don't eat..
unless under the other feelings ive felt during the times i don't eat...there is anxiety and or panic.

I do think its a self destructive thing...

No idea if there is a link to all of those instances, but not physically being able to eat at trigger time is a problem. Force feeding healthy shakes with added supplements (takes a couple of hours to finish)

They say mind and body is connected, but I'm still like you having trouble figuring out the link.
How do you mean..it takes two hours to finish a shake?

I definitely think i have physical responses to emotional events. Definitely.

How have you been doing lately Contessa?

[Sienna]

Hey Blossom

.

I am too. The only two I have managed are food and shelter but if I lose my job, which is a very real possibility, those could go away in a heartbeat.

Ohhhh my gosh. That is so scary...it sounds like we are dealing with similar worries here.
I really hope you don't loose your job.

What I've realized from this dialogue is that I probably shouldn't post too much about eating related stuff because it's still too recent for me even though I've been working at it for 3+ years.

Thats ok Blossom, whatever you feel comfortable with. I understand if its too triggering for you.
If you are worried that you don't have answers...i just want you to know that it is ok. I will find answers if i continue therapy...
Having the support here is the most important to me. Just being able to talk honestly about whats going on and to have others here who understand.

I hope you wont have to try hard to eat for the rest of your life. I hope that when you are able to grieve for your past..this coping mechanism will not be needed...
I think it involves finding out what purpose it serves...and i think that if i can deal better with the panic flashbacks, then i might feel more up to eating.
Grieving is hard, and understandable if a person cant eat during that time.
Its great that you make yourself eat...if its right for you to do that...
i know i just need to *eat*.. i am eating..just not much...there is just no desire or reason or feeling of need to eat...
it obviously serves me a purpose as if it was just that...when feeling more balanced, i would want to eat more...

I

probably felt I could relate to your situation too much and told you what think I would have wanted to hear but that doesn't mean it's the right message for you. Only you know what is right for you so take from my ramblings what resonates in your heart and just leave the rest. Wishing you the best.

Oh gosh, how many times have i done this! -in the heat of passion!
It honestly doesnt matter to me. I will keep all of your message here for me to read, for whenever i like.
I appreciate you sharing the message that you would have wanted to hear! And if i felt i could, i would have done all of what you suggested. I feel like I'm pushing away the advice of others...which makes me so sad inside.
I guess I'm being realistic. This comes in cycles and i know its not over...i know i need to develop the want to eat myself...and others like yourself help me to feel more...worth eating...!
Its kind of like having a cold...all taste desire for regular meals goes away..im sure you know what i mean.
and i do think that this eating thing as i made this thread which got me thinking more about it, has served as a distraction since the panic subsided from the other thing- not the best distraction  to have though i know!

I definitely think your inner critic is very vocal at the moment! becasue i don't think you wrote too much about yourself at all and i really mean that. 
Im so sorry you are feeling so down on yourself.
You have been nothing but amazing and such a nice person to want to help and share your experience in order to help and i appreciate it so much.
If i could step into your head right now and tweet the cogs to alter what your inner critic is saying to you, i honestly would.

I hope you are feel better soon Blossom.....I am here for you. 

[Sienna]

This not eating thing has been going on for a long time, and picked up again due to trigger which i wrote another post on.
This might help others, i don't know..but i will talk to my T about this tomorrow and see if she thinks I'm on point at all...with my guesses about what could be happening.

I watched a video about eating disorder origins yesterday and it sparked off a lot of thoughts about what could be going on...
I may write again to let you know whats up..as it might help others who struggle with this too.