Something ive never talked about before- rapid weight loss and fear. TRIGGERS

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Contessa

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Good to see you too Sienna :)

Yeah, its a physical reaction for me. I can't eat, and I think my body just draws its energy from what is already there in my body. I'll immediately drop a few kilos over a couple of days, and I have absolutely no desire to eat. Whatever I do eat is forced down, and I do mean forced.

So yes, a few weeks ago, this happened again. This time, instead of not eating, I turned to getting my nutrients with liquid food (I hate soup so you know something is wrong when I eat soup), and this last time I made sure I finished my servings, small as they were. Unfortunately, this would take a couple of hours. Better than not eating at all. Even got two rounds of bowling in one day, and still hadn't finished the shake brought form home :)

Hang in there!! Let me know how you're going :)

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Sienna

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 ;D

Interesting- your energy is drawn from what is already there...do you think this is cortisol that is in the body...as you can over produce cortisol?
I think i have adrenal fatigue though, so I'm not sure whats going on here.
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(I hate soup so you know something is wrong when I eat soup),
..aw,  :hug:

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and this last time I made sure I finished my servings, small as they were.
  :thumb:
Soup is a great idea...and shakes if you don't like soup...the shakes might be healthier than soup that is not home made...
Its a vicious circle...which is probably quite common.  The more i don't want to eat...the more i will eat ie. tinned soups- easy food...
some of it good but bad for you what with the salt and sugar..
(but don't eat any of that when really panicy like last week...)
so then if i am so hungry i eat..ie. tinned soup...i hate tinned soup...so then i don't want to eat....

As for how I'm doing..the desire to eat isn't there like it used to be...but i was hungry yesterday so i had a jacket potato and salas for lunch yesterday, then a not so nutritious meal of pasta, source and cheese in the evening.
oh..and i had a bowl of cereal before evening meal too.

How are you Contessa?  :hug:

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Contessa

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Yes, cortisol is the better word for it. Probably not adrenalin at all. That would make sense with the morning anxiety attacks...

I hope you get your appetite back soon. I agree, shakes are better than tinned soup. Soup is just an alternative to too many shakes ;)

Thanks for asking. Had a rough day today to be honest - got blullied... by a second bully :( - and am not sure how to deal with it to be honest. But on the food front, all good there :) Before today I was going well!

 :hug:

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Sienna

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Thanks for asking. Had a rough day today to be honest - got blullied... by a second bully :( - and am not sure how to deal with it to be honest. But on the food front, all good there :) Before today I was going well!
:hug:  :( aw, Sorry to hear that.
Do you want to talk it out? I can try to help if you like...
 :hug:

oh, ps...
Apparently cortisol and adrenalin are different hormones...but i do think cortisol is the main stress hormone.

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Contessa

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Ah i'm posting about it in another thread. Its a big mess, so its not actually easy to talk about :/ Just dumbfounded by everything. Was bullied as a kid in primary school, and never again until now. Except I have three ringleaders instead of one!!

Yep you're right about the cortisol I think. Not a doctor so can't back myself up, but i've read up on it briefly. Don't know how it all works but the cortisol explanation did help me work through those early morning attacks, would make sense for the weightloss too.

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Blossoming

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Sienna, you are so sweet. I'm really glad I didn't say anything that made you feel worse.
I read this scientific article a while back about how some people are hardwired to flee famine and I found it really helpful in the sense that I could understand my experience from a different perspective. I'm not sure if you will feel the same but I figured I would share it and maybe you might get something out of it too or if not maybe someone else will.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/14599241
I think this link should give access to the full text in pdf form for free but the first one doesn't.
http://www.adaptedtofamine.com/2008/03/adapted-to-flee-famine-adding-an-evolutionary-perspective/
« Last Edit: October 05, 2016, 02:27:35 PM by Blossom »

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Sienna

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Hey Contessa,

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Ah i'm posting about it in another thread. Its a big mess, so its not actually easy to talk about :/ Just dumbfounded by everything. Was bullied as a kid in primary school, and never again until now. Except I have three ringleaders instead of one!!
I understand perfectly. Sometimes things are so huge...and feel so huge and so ..overwhelming that its hard to put it into words, let alone describe it briefly to someone.
Im really sorry you were bullied and that its happening again now. Thats really tough and sounds very intimidating and scary.

Um yes...cortisol - overproduction - you can end up loosing weight...may be when entering the fatigue stage...i don't know.
Your early morning attacks...um, wondering what they are like for you...as i think i have them sometimes, but i know your going though a lot right now so it can wait- if you *dont* mind explaining...

 :hug: :hug: at this difficult time. Right with you.

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Sienna

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Hey Blossom,
How are you doing with your inner critic?

Hey, thanks for the article!
I hope your doing ok.. :hug:

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Blossoming

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Hey Blossom,
How are you doing with your inner critic?

Hey, thanks for the article!
I hope your doing ok.. :hug:
Not the best, but I really appreciate you asking. I did schedule an appointment with my old T for next week so I have that to look forward to. You are so kind to check on me in your own thread.  :hug: I might start a thread about feeling overwhelmed later after I get off work.

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Sienna

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Aw, I'm really sorry to hear that Blossom.
Its totally ok to write that on my thread, i don't mind at all, as i asked. ;D

Sure yes, if you want to start your own thread, it might be helpful...
Here supporting you.  :hug: :hug:

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Blossoming

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Thanks Sienna. I think it's just been an extra rough week because I only learned about cPTSD recently and I'm seeing everything from a new perspective. :stars:
I suppose it's a bit unsettling to realize how much my life and all my relationships have been impacted.  :fallingbricks:
You seem like a very kind soul and I appreciate your compassion and understanding. It helps me feel safe and welcome here so thank you from the bottom of my heart.

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Sienna

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Hey Blossoming,

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Thanks Sienna. I think it's just been an extra rough week because I only learned about cPTSD recently and I'm seeing everything from a new perspective. :stars:
Thats tough. A lot to take in.  You are so brave for doing this. Isn't it mind boggling when we finally understand what is up!
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I suppose it's a bit unsettling to realize how much my life and all my relationships have been impacted.  :fallingbricks:
Absolutely. I hear ya. Its so sad, and its frustrating and at the same time (for me anyway)..releiving to realise its not my fault...there isn't something wrong with me...and that its a normal response to trauma. Frustrating that it was done to us..i find...mind boggling.

I / we are here if you want to talk about it, to express anything, or to rant.

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You seem like a very kind soul and I appreciate your compassion and understanding. It helps me feel safe and welcome here so thank you from the bottom of my heart.
It makes me really happy to hear that. You deserve nothing less.  :hug:

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Sienna

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Didn't write right away because i needed some time for it all to sink in.
Huge Trigger Warnings.  sorry its long.

All of this is my thought processes- i know they are not healthy or correct, but its my natural thought process as has always been. So i do know that the thoughts are not correct but are a result of trauma. Thoughts demonstrate the fears i feel.

T told me today the answers about this eating thing, even though she wants me to find the answers myself, because she says i wont understand what she is saying if she just tells me all the answers / reasons for everything.
She told me but maybe she sensed i was ready to hear it, and i had guessed some of what she said.

Im not ready to change my eating but i realise thats ok, because i now understand that it is a coping mechanism - one that i feel i need for now and its normal to want to hold on to coping mechanisms. This will help me straighten it out in my head too, and might help others.
T said its not about food, its about control. I knew this.

As a child, i ate, because if i didnt eat what i was given, i would go hungry.
I put on a lot of weight when i left home and moved in with narc X.
I would comfort eat.
I was still slim up to a certain point-
and T thinks that I'm not eating now because I'm being reminded of the times when he dumped me and i was all alone in the world, trying to figure everything out for myself.

She said that people put on weight to protect them sexually, when your partner wants sex a lot.
I ate more and put on more weight when we lived together. She said weight gain or weight loss can be to *de-sexulise* you. (if so, for me this is subconscious)

I believe i put on weight to look like someone else- someone who  i believed had qualities which i wanted but i didnt have.
Turned out-i do have them, i was just seeing myself in her.
Those qualities were protective qualities i now realise.
I put on weight to be like her- to feel like her, and it must of been because the only way i believed i could be like her was to look like her.
I was seeing my own protective qualities in her, ones i already had. The weight was added protection.

I stopped eating properly when Narc lady left. (The lady who i wished could be my mum. She was like my mother)
I pushed her away..and she left.
T said i believed it was my fault, just like when my mother was never there for me, so i stopped eating. (which it partly was)
Things were not in my control. So i stopped eating to have something to control.
All of the things happening now that are actually NOT in my control, i feel i deserve all of it, just  as a child, the reason i punished myself for the lack of control in my life (my parents), was because it was too scary to blame and be angry with my parents, so i took it out on myself.

I stopped eating when things were difficult with narc partner, and when i flashbacked.
The form of control i used was other self punishing activities mostly, and pushing him away by being very...fight response...(not proud of it) and now i cant do that. i felt more powerful and in control and like my mother who as a child, believed she was strong.
I stopped picking at him anyway and would smoke instead when i was triggered as i realised i was hurting him.
Now ive gone back to feeling powerless like a child, only i gain a feeling of power or esteem through not eating. To me, not having needs is strong.

The weight made me feel more..motherly...now i just feel like the child i was back then and thats scary.
I carried my mother with me in the form of my weight.

Then i stopped eating when i was in denial about my childhood when i was in therapy.
The inner critic / outer critic was here and i felt that this idea that i was absued didnt fit- it wasnt real. I felt the flashbacks and the feelings were my fault.
I was self destructing.

In the past, most of the repeated sexual assaults (by men other than my partner) happened when i was slim, so maybe the fear has something to do with that. With not being in control. With being like a child again.
Maybe the weight gain was a protection, and another assault happened recently when the weight started to drop.
I have always felt that my appearance attacks men to me, only to hurt me, to use me.
I have been bullied for my appearance and my mother tried to alter my looks and i couldn't stop her.
I realise only now that i hated (hate) my body and tried to alter it by gaining weight.

Times are not in my control now.
The government / benefits system are the ones in control..
and i was not in control in my childhood.
Im punishing myself because i think that everting thats happening is my fault.
I feel its my fault for manifesting bad outcomes. But this negative thought patterns and fears were implanted there by my parents- they are not my fault.

Not eating is a sub conscious way for me to let others know I'm not ok, but when asked about the weight, i have been invalidated if ive been a tiny bit honest...
and T says it scares me becasue my problems have always bene hidden- now everyone can see it in physical form and people sometimes act like my parents did.
If they don't, I'm anxiety ridden if i tell the truth as I'm worried the punishment will come later (like from Narc mother)
Its a trick. Others want to know, so they pretend to care, but they hurt your with your words later.

Self destruction is always there for the purpose of gaining controll-
only what happens is that you end up feeling more out of control than you did to start with.
Definitely reliving my childhood.

My own thoughts ...
Ive gone back to the past it feels like (that being living at home with parents, then living on my own afer narc X dumped me in the past)
- being slim, things not being in my control, being alone emotionally and physically
But why go back to the past? it just *feels* like the past is happening again, and I'm not eating not to be like how i was in the past, but to try to gain some control over something

If I'm angry at the world - (outer critic - really my parents I'm mad at)- it feels too scary to be angry as the rage is so huge, so I'm turning it on myself)

Read a little online of an excerpt form a book, and it said, that those who don't eat, reject their needs.
They believe they have no needs and act strong. They separate from their needs.
Definitely me.
So if you deny yourself food, you are saying, that you are hurting yourself before others can hurt you.
You are saying that you don't need food, you don't need *anything* from others, so if they hurt you by neglect- invalidation etc. - faliour to be here for you-
they cant possibly hurt you as much as you hurt yourself.
You don't need anything - not even food- not even basic needs need to be met-
so if you don't need anything- how can you get hurt by others not meeting your needs?

I believe that needing help and that showing through not eating .. is trying to get those needs met, but at the same time, maybe their is a sub conscious desire to relive old trauma through the misunderstanding given by others when they find out your loosing weight.

I never recognised myself with the weight gain. it was gradual and i only started to realise i looked like a woman, ive grown up, but ive not been a part of it.
the image of a little girl i have of myself in my head doesnt match up to me in the mirror.
Now i am looking more like the old me, and it was as though i left the old child me and my old life of being powerless behind with the weight gain.

This really young part- inner child part- holds all of the wants and needs and sadness and rage i was never allowed to have or express.
Reverting back to being physically *smaller*  is as though its her, trying to express her needs on the outside.
i hurt her for having feelings, as i blame myself for them.

Dissociative parts are involved in self harm.
I believe I'm mirroring dads neglect by neglecting myself, and how he never saved me from my mother, and this not being able to advocate for myself...im not in control of that, i can't meet my needs, and this may be where the feeling that i will die is coming from.
I was unable to save myself as a child and dad did noting, so maybe i did feel like i would die.
Maybe part of me hates myself as I'm like dad, thus i see myself as worthless - my mother said I'm just like him- meaning as worthless as him in her eyes.
 
« Last Edit: October 07, 2016, 05:27:08 PM by Sienna »

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Blossoming

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Those are amazing insights Sienna. I'm so happy for you.

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Sienna

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Thank you Blossoming. (Hope your ok)  ;)