Taking The Appropriate Amount Of Responsibility For Actions & Outcomes

[movementforthebetter]

Hi everyone,

I've been thinking lately about regrets. Things I have done that I wish I had not done, or handled differently.

In the past, I would avoid taking responsibility for my actions out of fear of reprisal. In the last decade, I became beaten down by compound traumas, heavily internalized all criticism, and my inner critic - combined with low self-esteem -  convinced me that everything was my fault. So then I swung to the other extreme and took too much responsibility.

While not feeling consistently stable yet, I am at a place where I am working to accept all of my actions as things I really did, things I chose either through action or inaction, and things with consequences. I want to practice self-compassion and acceptance rather than avoidance or denial, particularly in my interactions with other people, and in reclaiming my memories.

Aside from the 50-50 rule, are there any techniques any of you have used to own the reality of your actions without falling into a pit of toxic shame?

In particular I think this will help with my inner critic, but also when confronted with guilt trips, blame-shifting, and other manipulation tactics. Whether they are external or self-imposed.

I just want to see myself realistically, if that makes sense.

Thanks.

[Three Roses]

When I'm really stuck beating myself up and can't stop, I try to remember to ask, "What would I say to someone else feeling as I am now?" Then my compassion kicks in, and I see why someone else would have done this or that, and I understand myself a little better.

Hope that helps.

[Three Roses]

Couldn't stop thinking about this! So I found some good stuff online to tell you - this is from https://wehaveapples.wordpress.com/2015/09/27/youre-not-a-bad-person-weve-all-done-stupid-hurtful-things/

Think back to something you did that you feel guilty about. Close your eyes and picture yourself in the situation. Look at your face, your heart... Were you acting out of pain, confusion, or fear? Were you looking for love in all the wrong places? Were you broken, sad, or at a rough point in your life? I bet you were.

You weren't rubbing your hands together and cackling an evil laugh. Muahahaha You aren't a monster who wanted to hurt yourself or someone else because that's your fun hobby. You are a human and humans mess up. Humans make big mistakes. Humans do stupid, hurtful things. Humans are human.

It's time to stop playing that movie in your mind of the crappy thing you did to "show yourself how bad you are and how much you need to be punished." It's time to forgive that broken person who did something they regret. If you haven't apologized, apologizing is a good idea. If you have apologized, good, now move forward.

Why don't I want you to keep beating yourself up? Because guilt zaps all this great energy you could use to focus on doing better in the future. It zaps energy you could be using to do nice, helpful things. Making yourself feel guilty just makes you want to do more destructive stuff. It's counterproductive.

Guilt is toxic to the spirit. It chokes life and life needs to breathe. Yes, learn from your mistakes. No, don't carry guilt anymore. It's heavier than an elephant doing weight training. (How cute would an elephant look with a sweatband, though?)

You're not a bad person and you're not alone in this feeling. No one talks about the crappy things they've done because it's not good dinner conversation! Lol

"Hey, want to hear the weird, hurtful thing I said when I was 14..."

"Um... No. Let's just eat ice cream and talk about Orange Is The New Black."

Even the sweetest people make hurtful mistakes. Look back on what you did and look at your intention. Maybe it was an honest mistake.. Maybe you were uneducated and didn't know any better.. Maybe you were afraid.. Maybe you were so broke you couldn't afford the dollar menu at McDonald's.. (been there!) Maybe someone hurt you so you hurt someone else.. Maybe you didn't feel loved so you did something negative for attention.. Maybe you didn't feel accepted so you did something mean to fit in.. Maybe you were doing your best for where you were in life.

Whatever happened it's time to stop showing it to yourself because beating yourself up is an act of inner violence. It's time to hug that person who royally messed up and tell them, "It's OK and let's work to do better in the future."

Treat yourself as you would a dear friend. Would you remind them every day of their biggest mistake in life? No! That's cruel. So why are you doing it to yourself? Being compassionate to yourself is an act of service to God and to the world because inner kindness, becomes outer kindness which becomes world kindness. If you can't be nice to yourself for yourself, do it for God and for your fellow humans.

You are not a bad person... Unless you did do that evil laugh thing and rubbed your hands together... Muahahahaha

Love you! Rachie

[movementforthebetter]

Hi Three Roses, thanks for both your comments. That blog post does have some good advice.

I can't help but also think of others when I read things like that. I'm not sure if this is still some low-self-esteem that deflects the attention from myself, or avoidance, or something else. I do some mental gymnastics below - please bear with me.

When I do start to think more compassionately towards myself, I end up thinking "well people that hurt me must have been going through similar things - they just made a mistake - I should forgive them apologize for my own mistakes and give them another chance. After all, I want to make it right between us; wouldn't they?" And what usually happens when I act on that thought is that I have opened the door to continued violations. Often I apologize but the other party never does, which leaves me with secondary wounding. Or worse, continued or escalating transgressions. Only a couple times in my life has the ideal scenario in my head worked out in real life where we both accept our part in the hurt and make ammends to each other.

So I guess my past faulty thinking and experiences make me wary of even self-compassion and self-esteem. This is definitely my inner critic talking.

I have been trying to see my inner critic as a misguided ally. And if that's true, it's so misguided that nothing I do can satisfy it. This means that even though I want to show it compassion, I have to prioritize self-compassion and self-esteem for me as 3/4 a person, instead of me as a whole. I have to practice excluding the inner critic until I am comfortable practicing compassion for myself above others.

So this does require a shift in my current thinking and practices. I think people have referred to it as putting your own oxygen mask first... I guess I get it now. I don't know why such simple things are so hard, but they are.

Clear as mud! 

[Three Roses]

 

You know, I really hate the expression "forgive and forget". Yes, definitely forgive (if/when you can), but don't forget! We need to remember the lessons life is giving us, or we're doomed to get more of the same lessons.

Sometimes, forgiveness needs to be from a distance. In other words, forgive the person but cut ties. (Harder to do when it's family. ) 

People who hurt us do so from their own reservoir of pain, under the surface, that we know nothing about. But forgiveness doesn't have to mean remaining attached to that person. Forgiveness is just releasing them, and yourself. Distancing yourself is self-protection, like backing away from the crumbling edge of a cliff; unless they are also involved in some pursuit of healing, they're going to repeat their offenses. You're not responsible for healing them, or for their happiness. That's their job.

Forgive them, yes; apologize for your part in it, if applicable, yes; give them another chance, not necessarily.

[sanmagic7]

if i could butt in here for a moment - i've gone back and forth with the idea of forgiveness, and have finally decided that, at this point in my life, i don't have it in me,  what i've done instead is handed it over to the powers that be to do it for me, if that's what's warranted.  that has saved me from worrying about and judging myself as to why i have trouble forgiving. 

the same thing has happened to me re:  justice.  i was so upset because there would be no justice for these people who have hurt me so badly.  again, i finally figured out to hand that responsibility to another being of my creation, one with powers greater than mine.  it's her job now, and i don't have to get myself in a tizzy, or be tempted to tell people off or tell their friends/family just what kind of a low-life s/he really is.

the idea of accepting ourselves includes both our strengths and our weaknesses.  we act out of our own perceptions and perspectives based on our experiences.  as does everyone.  does that excuse abusive behavior?  no.  not for a minute.  others have their own reasons for being abusive toward us, and i don't believe that's for us to try to figure out.  i think we can only act or react on the behaviors we see and experience from others.  that's our only job, to take care of ourselves as best we can.

[theaquarist]

Sometimes I don't know how to give elaborate responses but I want to say this thread has helped me feel a lot better and understand the Inner Critic a lot better! Thank you all
"Only a couple times in my life has the ideal scenario in my head worked out in real life where we both accept our part in the hurt and make ammends to each other."
I feel the same. And I've been working on making amends with people as well. It is a hard process. Today I had to be really assertive against my negative thoughts about myself. It took some work but even a little bit of a change in thought has been giving a great effect. Even if all I can agree on is "I am a unique person and I'm here for me. It's okay, I'm okay."
I hope things start clearing up soon for you, Movement, but remember that your efforts each day are "drops in the bucket" even if you don't see the benefit yet. You're investing in YOU and you should proud of yourself for that.

Hugs

[movementforthebetter]

I was doing well enough, really was too busy to think this week. Most of the time, things were decent. Now I've sat down for the first time in 5 days with nothing to do and am suddenly in a major EF. I'll explore it in my journal. But the dominant feeling is guilt, so I guess the Critic noticed things were too quiet. On top of this, I've had escalating physical pain from work over the course of the week. I wonder if there might be a link.

I feel like I did when I was first coming out of the fog. I feel compelled to contact exes and apologize for things in the past. Most things I have already apologized for.

I was raised to be a critical thinker. Mostly I feel that was a blessing and I see it as one of my defining traits. Tonight, however, it's causing me to want "proof", empirical evidence, that I am not permanently broken.  Intellectually, I understand that I am fine, just one in the spectrum of humanity. Emotionally, though, I still have times where I believe I destroy everything good in my life. I won't dwell more... I think that would only empower the Critic.

For what it's worth, I'm trying to give it Jon Lovitz's voice to humorously diffuse it. "It stinks!"

[macandrui]

I was raised to be a critical thinker. Mostly I feel that was a blessing and I see it as one of my defining traits. Tonight, however, it's causing me to want "proof", empirical evidence, that I am not permanently broken

Awesome! Use It!
http://physics.ucr.edu/~wudka/Physics7/Notes_www/node6.html
What is the ``scientific method''?

  The scientific method is the best way yet discovered for winnowing the truth from lies and delusion. The simple version looks something like this:

1. Observe some aspect of the universe.
2. Invent a tentative description, called a hypothesis, that is consistent with what you have observed.
3. Use the hypothesis to make predictions.
4. Test those predictions by experiments or further observations and modify the hypothesis in the light of your results.
5. Repeat steps 3 and 4 until there are no discrepancies between theory and experiment and/or observation.
When consistency is obtained the hypothesis becomes a theory and provides a coherent set of propositions which explain a class of phenomena. A theory is then a framework within which observations are explained and predictions are made.

Seriously, make lists and other logical-thinking stuff (I'm writing as an outsider here, I'm truly not a critical thinker)

write it out, go ahead, give yourself permission to have what you need :-)

[sanmagic7]

escalating pain from work, huh?  sounds like there may be issues there that are being shoved down into your body instead of being brought out and dealt with.  i'm quite tuned into this concept at the moment, having gone thru a horrible body release of issues and emotions the other night.  they were all stored in there for many, many years, and i hope no one ever has to go through that.

i was thinking i was broken as well, but i'm beginning to see evidence that it's not the case.  just old crapola that creeps in and makes me doubt myself.  i hope you find your way thru the maze, mftb.  it can be confusing, off-putting, and disorienting at times.  big hug!

[movementforthebetter]

If I can pin down one narrow belief about myself, I will happily subje t it too the scientific method. Currently, I think all my hypotheses are too broad, like "I am unlovable to the men I find attractive" or "I am broken". I want to find something specific to examine because I think those will be easier to disprove. Will post again if I think of one. It means listening to my critic which I have been trying to not do anymore.

My new job is very active, on a concrete floor, in new steel-toed boots.  I think the pain is mostly from that, and would be worse if I hadn't made lots of effort to get outside while unemployed. I've had knee problems for a long time and pain off and on for the last 16 years. I've tried to address this through physio and yoga but get sidetracked easily. When I am active, it's generally better.  I didn't do yoga at all until today and I I suffered for it. I'm majorly stiff and achy from the hips down, especially my knees. I'm icing them now.

This week, it was more about overdoing it, I think. I had work all week plus my CSA Survivors Group therapy. That really stirs things up, then I don't have a chance to process until the weekend, so, today. And that's how it'll be until group ends at the end of Nov.

As for the emotional issues... Was it you that once said it was like whack-a-mole? Because yeah, it is. I address some and others keep popping up. Or older ones resurface when I thought I had addressed them. Like the regrets.

I'm trying to sit with the loneliness tonight. I am lonely. I have regrets from relationships that have directly or indirectly led to me being alone now, despite me believing it's best that I'm not with these guys. I still want somone to love, and who can love me, in healthy ways.

I do mostly forgive myself, but still get urges to apologize too much and prostrate myself in order to feel secure. I've had plenty of well-meaning people tell me to stop apologizing. It's almost instinctual... I've gotten better but still have to really check myself to make sure I do actually need to apologize for anything.

And I don't feel secure yet, though things are improving in my life. I need my own place. Staying at my friends' place is good, but it's not a home of my own.

So overall, lots of instability coupled with some hard labour has made me an achy, unsettled marshmallow. I think that's a funny image. Tonight's mission is to give some love to my inner marshmallow.