Getting started on things is hard.

[prairiewind]

Someone close to me has this issue and we've discussed it. She thinks it might be bc she wants to do the task perfect or not at all.

[Sesame]

I have struggled with this for YEARS. Minor things are usually fine, but I have struggled with those in the past. Especially if I am having a bad EF.

My biggest issues today involve doing what I love. Strangely enough, I think I was doing just fine with writing and drawing when I was in the midst of developing C-PTSD. It was like my escape from my horrid reality.

My uNMIL told me over and over again that I would never do those things, they are a waste of time, I will never earn enough, I have no experience to do either of them well... etc., etc. She also pushed me to get work, specifically something secretarial (I'm not sure why she was so obsessed with that and disapproved of the work I was qualified for). She let me know how stupid, lazy, useless and worthless she thought I was. How much of a leech I was on my poor H and how I did not even deserve basic healthcare for `choosing' not to work (it was no choice, as it was forced upon me by my traumatic past and the rules of the country we lived in). Even if it was illegal for me to work, she kept harassing me to find something!

Following H around the globe, C-PTSD did not help with the huge amount of anxiety I had about finding job openings in a foreign country and having to interview in another language before I had reached a good enough level... uNMIL was constantly breathing down my neck about finding a job and my self-esteem was destroyed. I had no confidence in myself thanks to C-PTSD and her abuse, which was enabled by H at the time.

No matter how much I love writing and drawing, I can't bring myself to start unless it has something to do with my job. If it's for myself, it's like I am not even worth it. My life was already careening off the rails during my early teens, which meant a good education and career would never be reached. The collection of trauma ensured my almost straight A's would sink into failure by the time my exam results predicted my future. I guess I sort of feel like I'm too old now, all the talented writers and artists started young, so I should just quit and do my job instead of dreaming of something that's not meant to be. I am too old and too far behind to produce anything of merit.

The other issue is time. With a one-hour each way commute, a part-time job and lots of housework due to there being no dryers or dishwashers in this country, and not having a car for grocery shopping, I feel like there is no time. And what little free time I do have, I also like to spend with my H and our friends. I don't know how to fit it in. I also know that, in the beginning, there may be a great deal of sitting, staring and not actually doing anything, after which I will feel worse and like I have justified doing what I want is a waste of time.

I am not good at multi-tasking and having big breaks in between things. I have so many notebooks I filled with ideas for writing, or sketches for projects I wanted to transform into digital art, but then life got in the way and they just sit around, gathering dust. I don't know where I was in them, I don't know where to pick up from where I left off. I feel like I have to start over every time I go back to something I have been unable to pursue for a while, and that feels like too much of a burden. How did my passion become such a drag?

I used to be a perfectionist about it, but I have since seen perfection is not achieved without making mistakes and learning from them. That gave me the courage to take a few small steps, even if I do get frustrated with my early results. I just don't know how to deal with all the other things. I know, without a doubt, the idea it is a `waste of time' partially comes from my uNMIL. She herself loves to paint and has never sold anything. It's clear that she is jealous and wants to compete every time I have an artistic success at work. Despite knowing her abuse has come from a place of insecurity, her behaviour has still caused long-lasting damage to me and I have yet to overcome it.